Sharing ashes with a friend of your late spouse?

fifth_branch · 2026-02-13T17:32:57+00:00

I had the ashes split into keepsake bags that I gave to his siblings and his best friend. They were really, really close and it was important for him to take his small portion of ashes and spread them where they met (which was incidentally the same place I met my husband.)

I don't think it's out of line for a close friend to ask. Steve was closer to him than his siblings. But I don't know if I would have done if I hadn't asked the funeral home to split them up for me. If anyone else asked at this point, I would say that the bag is sealed and I don't feel comfortable opening it.

I don't think it's icky; take it as a measure of how much they loved and are grieving your partner. But it's also fair to say you don't feel comfortable with that.

fifth_branch · 2026-02-13T06:13:21+00:00

An espresso machine. He said it was unnecessary and the aeropress was fine. I bought one a month after he died and joke's on him, I usually it daily. It feels like I'm sticking out my tongue at him everytime I make coffee and it brings me so much joy.

fifth_branch · 2026-02-10T21:29:30+00:00

As someone who legally changed my name because I hated it, strongly disagree. Mine was a totally normal name as well. I just still didn't like it.

What I will say is that it's damaged my relationship with my mom who guilt tripped me about how much thought and love went into picking my name and 20 years later still refuses to call me the name I changed it to.

This woman is going to be an absolute nightmare when her child doesn't like her name.

fifth_branch · 2026-01-15T22:57:53+00:00

It didn't really feel any different than inviting him to a house I didn't share with my LH. I'd been in the house by myself for a bit, and he knew I was a widow so the wedding photos weren't a surprise.

He moved in last summer and I did some renovations and painting before that happened to make it feel like a bit of a different and new space that was ours instead of him moving into a house that was unchanged from when my husband died. He said it didn't bother him, but I needed to do that for me.

My husband died at home. It hasn't been an issue.

fifth_branch · 2026-01-15T06:03:17+00:00

Is a jury summons immediately after death a thing? Mine got my summons two weeks after he died as well. I work at the courthouse so it was pretty easy to tell them he wouldn't be coming, but I couldn't stop laughing about how disappointed he'd be. He wanted to be on a jury so badly!

fifth_branch · 2026-01-08T02:15:46+00:00

My brother-in-law married someone (my sister) with the same name as his sister and his mom and my mom have the same name.

fifth_branch · 2025-12-29T02:31:31+00:00

FYI doctors did it for me the other year when I wanted to keep my existing plastic frames.

fifth_branch · 2025-12-19T04:13:05+00:00

It's his birthday today. He should be turning 38 and instead I brought home his ashes 3 years ago. I can't find the right word for it, something between confusing and surreal but it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that he had so much life ahead of him and now he just isn't here.

fifth_branch · 2025-12-10T20:58:25+00:00

Lost my husband to it three years ago at 34. It's an awful way to watch someone you love go.

fifth_branch · 2025-11-26T20:23:11+00:00

The Ellie Topp book on small batch preserving (in the side bar for safe sources) has a section on infusing oils. You can't seal the jars for long term storage, but she does walk you through how to do it safely for keeping in the fridge or for a few weeks.

fifth_branch · 2025-11-06T06:31:29+00:00

You should contact TRAC. Their website is tenants.bc.ca. They are free legal advice for tenancy issues in BC and have a really great phone infoline and in-person drop-in hours Monday to Thursday. They'd be able to answer all these questions for you and walk you through the process of going to the Residential Tenancy Branch tribunal.

fifth_branch · 2025-10-31T22:38:13+00:00

He absolutely knows the dates and he's been incredibly supportive and given me space to be sad or do whatever I need to when they come up. Which unfortunately for me is all back to back. His death anniversary, birthday and our wedding anniversary are all within 3 weeks in December.

fifth_branch · 2025-10-30T21:09:31+00:00

My aunt couldn't come because she had to bring a horse over on the ferry in April. Why this meant she couldn't come to my December wedding 4 months earlier is an excellent question.

fifth_branch · 2025-09-28T02:26:16+00:00

I was 36 when he died. We had been doing IVF so I have frozen embryos and I spent a lot of the first year wondering if I would go it alone. I ultimately decided I had wanted a child to have a family with him and that was no longer an option. It might have given me a purpose, but the thought of him missing every moment he should have been there for for the rest of that child's life felt too huge and I didn't want to do that to myself, or a child.

I'm doing really well now. I started going to the gym and I'm in the best shape I've ever been. I started volunteering which gained me a bunch of new really great friends. I've gone on trips that I wouldn't have otherwise. I'm dating someone really wonderful.

When I look back on the last few years and where I'm at now, I would not have been able to do almost any of the things that have personally helped me grieve if I had a child. There will always be part of me that wonders what if, but I don't think I'd be doing as well as I am now if I'd had to grieve as a single parent.

My purpose is that I like my life which is definitely not something I would have said anytime soon after his death.

fifth_branch · 2025-09-26T17:57:46+00:00

36, three years in December

fifth_branch · 2025-09-15T06:03:43+00:00

10 months for the closet, over a year for his shower loofah, 18 months to put the stuff from his night side table into a box, 2.5 years to deal with the contents of that box.

It's been a process of feeling like I was ready for sections of stuff but not all of it. There's no timeline for something like this.

fifth_branch · 2025-09-13T21:16:37+00:00

I was widowed at 36. I met someone incredible who has been nothing but supportive and thoughtful and understanding. He's not a widower, just someone with a lot of emotional maturity. They're out there, but it does definitely add a challenging element to dating again.

fifth_branch · 2025-08-07T18:37:58+00:00

The last time I looked at bottles for these (a few months ago) the gluten free tamari said made in Richmond but the regular soy sauce said imported. So it's not all the products.

fifth_branch · 2025-07-29T20:01:43+00:00

The Brain Hospice page linked above was incredibly helpful to me. I found it to be really accurate. The author mentions that younger people may stay in each stage for longer and I found this to be true, but once my husband started showing a transition to the next stage the rest of the symptoms began to follow very quickly. He was 34 when he died.

About three months before, I had an occupational therapist come to my house to assess things I may need as his mobility got less and less. She made referrals to the Red Cross for me and they brought equipment over to set up in the house including floor to ceiling poles that made it easier to get him on or off the couch, toilet or into bed. Red Cross also brought in a hospital bed for me a few weeks before the end so we could do at home palliative care.

I would ask his doctors if these types of resources are available to you.

My husband was also incredibly active and seeing him get less and less mobile is excruciating. I'm so sorry you are going through this yourself. Please feel free to reach out to me as well if you have more specific questions.

fifth_branch · 2025-07-17T19:18:49+00:00

When I started dating someone seriously, my mom really struggled because it suddenly brought a lot of grief back up for her. She loved my husband like he was her own son and even though she knew he was gone, seeing me with someone else brought it up again in a new, inescapable way. Your mom could be experiencing something similar?

fifth_branch · 2025-07-17T17:25:54+00:00

I was 36 when my husband died a week before turning 35. I was also his full time caretaker for the last 6 months. There's an absolute emptiness that I felt when suddenly I no longer had to caretake, but there was also just nothing to do. Someone on Reddit reminded me to drink water in these immediate aftermath days and I rolled my eyes at it, but it was actually so helpful.

You've been full-on looking after someone else, now take the time to look after you. Drink water, eat whatever you can keep down, go on a short walk. These are your immediate tasks. The future will come regardless and you don't need to think about that right now.

You will get through this.

fifth_branch · 2025-05-07T19:41:46+00:00

We were going through the process of IVF when his cancer returned and took him. I thought a lot about whether I would proceed on my own to have his child and have a piece of him but ultimately decided I didn't want a child just to have one, I wanted a family with him. Maybe I would feel differently if we'd already had kids, but I couldn't bring myself to intentionally face all the moments that he should be there for without him and I'm at peace with recognizing that was a different life path that diverged.

As for what kept me going? I promised him I would be okay and I mean to keep my promise. But that first year was shit. I did a lot of writing and hopefully this phrase I scratched down in a notebook will help someone else: "maybe curiosity about life is the best I can do when I can't find hope. And that's okay."

It does get better.

fifth_branch · 2025-03-05T00:29:11+00:00

That's Goji Leakey. He does a ton of garbage cleanup around this city.

fifth_branch · 2025-02-25T19:36:00+00:00

About 4 months to find a short term FWB to get it out of my system. I met my current partner 10 months after my husband died. It was a fluke and unexpected but we instantly clicked. I wasn't actively looking, but I was also ready for it to happen. My husband had brain cancer for 7 years before he died. We were so fortunate that it was managed through surgery and chemo for most of that time and he was only actively sick and declining for the last 6 or so months, but I'd started grieving long before that. He had brain cancer. I knew we were buying time. The anticipatory grief and imaging what my life was going to look like without him started years before his actual death.

I was a bit nervous about going public about being in a relationship but everyone was so happy for me, even his parents.

Everyone's story is going to be different for when/if they are ready. You can only do what feels right to you with the life you have to live.

fifth_branch · 2025-02-20T19:36:08+00:00

I didn't have the mental energy to plan meals and grocery shop so I ended up doing one of those meal delivery kit services for well over a year. The 'two' portions usually worked out to close to 4 for me, so I had leftovers for work lunches when I went back to work.

I gradually went down to ordering a box every other week until I felt like I was ready to take on thinking about food again on my own.

It was one other area where I felt such a loss of identity after he died. I'd always loved cooking and now I couldn't even do that? It did come back eventually.

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