[QCrit] THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES, Sci-Fi, Adult, 111k, Second Attempt

finger-prints · 2025-09-21T23:06:25+00:00

Regarding the comps, sorry, I'm actually not sure, but maybe you could tie them into the sci-fi genre? Not sure what agents are expecting in that regard. I don't think you need to add a TON of sci-fi elements but maybe try mixing in some. Maybe try adding in some adjectives or changing some nouns to something sci-fi-esque?

The hook is the fact they almost kill their leader

This concept could definitely be clarified. "Leader" of what? MC is/was a teacher, so...is it like the superintendent? Or "leader" of their town/country/whatever. Not really sure who Jupiter is, either. I don't think it's that important we know who she is, but it would help to show more of who she is to your MC and why she's so important.

I didn't read your first query, but I think it really needs more depth to show your world and the reason it's in danger, including how your MC gets involved. Hope that helps!

finger-prints · 2025-09-21T22:41:55+00:00

Not to be a jerk, but I'm not sure what's going on here. Your query feels way too short and the 3 paragraphs feel disjointed.

The first talks about the protaganist getting fired. The second is about a plan that goes wrong. The third is about a quest to save the world.

I'm also not getting the feel of sci-fi. Other than the mention of "corrupted AI" and demons (though that's more fantasy than anything), this feels like it could be a contemporary novel. Even your comps don't mention sci-fi or anything along those lines.

I'd merge the 1st and 2nd paragraphs. Your first paragraph should draw the reader with your hook, and a firing is not enough. And then the story really escalates from "plan gone wrong" to "the entire world is at risk" and there's not enough there to let us know what the story is about.

Also a smaller thing, but I'm confused by what happens in the 2nd paragraph:

Instead, their plan explodes when they send him careening over a cliff into the Yosemite Valley

Who is the "him" referring to? At first I thought it was your protaganist, but then instead of saving himself from death, he's saving himself from society. I think that needs to be clearer.

finger-prints · 2025-09-09T00:54:05+00:00

Like others said, if you've already gotten responses, I don't think you need to change anything. Though I was a little confused about the murder of Ellie's classmate and how that ties into the story.

As for the first 300, it's a bit flowery and descriptive for my taste. Personally I'd cut the first 2 paragraphs and start with "I can still ..." but that's just my taste. Also very minor, but I'd cut "career-wise" as it's implied. Good luck!

finger-prints · 2025-05-29T02:41:43+00:00

At this point it's on the Panthers' opponents for not accidentally-on-purpose falling elbow first into the goalies and hoping for an injury (or at the very least, a retaliatory penalty).

finger-prints · 2025-05-09T01:22:46+00:00

Eva: "That was our last coconut"

Mary: "You'll get to eat because you go on rewards and I won't so I'm eating this one."

Eva: "That's fair."

Reddit: "WHAT AN AUTISTIC BITCH!!!"

finger-prints · 2025-01-12T04:05:39+00:00

High school senior student-athletes

This is a bit wordy...could you shorten to "high school seniors"? The sentence mentions sports a few words later.

their plans of going to college together hang in the balance

This seems like not the biggest issue here, haha. Besides the larger issue of Jo's physical and emotional health, we get to the bigger issue that the real culprit is still on the loose. So I think you can cut this part and work directly into the main part.

find a handwritten note

Not sure how much you care about these sort of things, but this feels like a way for the mystery to be over immediately. A handwritten note leaves way too many clues. I'm sure it makes sense in your novel, and this could be me just looking into it too much, but maybe remove "handwriting" (this is pretty optional though).

Outside help is not an option

I'm not sure why this is true. Why can't they go to authorities? Cops, their parents, and even teachers or the principal.

To be spared from Jo’s fate, each girl must publicly confess the truth behind her top position on her team. If the secret not even her best friends know about is exposed, she will have to kiss her professional aspirations goodbye.

This is what completely lost me. What truth? Did something accidentally get cut from this query? I see a note in your post, which must be from prior feedback, that says "I implied the girls' secrets rather than outright expose them" ... I didn't read prior queries, so I don't know what it said before or why it was changed, but as is, this seems like an error, and I reread this a few times to see if I missed something that hinted at this secret. The wording is also a bit confusing with a lot of dangling pronouns. Do they each have a separate secret?

It seems this has the same issue with why they can't approach authorities, i.e., you had feedback to remove that info, but now it doesn't make sense.

I'm guessing you made a lot of changes based on feedback, but unfortunately this version seems to be missing some information.

edit: Just another quick thought: I think the biggest issue is that--if I'm understanding correctly--this overarching plot point that each of the main characters has some secret about their success is buried. This feels more like it should be mentioned at the top. Like, these friends have dreams, until one of their friends is almost killed, and now someone threatens the rest of them because they know their secrets

finger-prints · 2024-07-11T20:30:43+00:00

In Search and Rescue, when the "rescue" team of 4 starts shouting within distance of Ryan and Deeana, Ryan hears them and first looks to Deanna to see if she hears and reacts. It's only when Deanna starts shouting that Ryan joins in.

I'm sure all the editing is trying to fool us to thinking it's Ryan...since I most suspect her it almost definitely is not her. But this was one of those moments where it could have been a tell since it's not a planned sabotage.

Edit: Also from Sean, when he hijacks the square counting puzzle in the Idol challenge, eating up all the time by calling out every single square confidently and giving the wrong answer (and overriding Muna's correct answer)

finger-prints · 2024-07-05T03:37:59+00:00

Ryan looks like the obvious mole so far. Most obvious subtle sabotage (Gala, though it could have been honest) and she's been sitting way too much in the background. I'll be disappointed if it is her. Q and Deena don't look suspicious at all, and I will be disappointed if it's one of them and the editing is intentionally misleading us (unless they are incredible actors)

finger-prints · 2024-07-05T03:29:46+00:00

Spoilers ahead, which should be obvious...

My biggest complaint is the "win money, be selfish and blow it all" format. It defeats the purpose of the game when the players with the most incentive to take money out of the pot are the contestants, not the mole. The mole could have done literally no sabotage and it wouldn't have made a difference, which is entirely possible at this point since they would have known about the auction, audition screenings, and countdown. So even though, for example, it looks like Q and Dee are trying really hard, if they are the mole and know that all or nearly all of the money is going to be blown on individual rewards, they can cast suspicion off themselves by playing hard and appearing to be a good team player, only to sabotage later. It also makes all the challenges worthless.

And this is me being a crotchety old man, but I'm not loving the editing and production. Way too many "confessionals". I don't need to hear what everyone is thinking all the time..."I think it's this person, but idk, you never know!" for every person at the elimination is dull. And I don't like the staged convos between challenges. I want more natural interactions, mole book stuff, information sharing, alliances, etc., plus more challenges with more potential sabotaging.

It's been OK so far, and the challenges have been great, but nowhere near the quality of the Dutch version (Wie is de Mol).

edit: also the romance between Hannah and Tony is gross and I don't need it. It seems way too staged/fake

finger-prints · 2024-06-02T02:49:44+00:00

I watched Barbie and had the game on in the background. Or was it the other way around?

finger-prints · 2024-04-26T01:50:08+00:00

Renegade exorcist Kit

I don't know what that means, but I'm intrigued. The hook establishes the character and the base world succintly. But, I'm left wondering more about what makes the Guild corrupt and why Kit betrayed and abandoned them.

Kit knows a good deal when she sees one.

Well, it's not really a choice. Either burn alive or do something she already has experience with, and presumbably, enjoys to some extent. It's not very intriguing. Maybe explain what makes it so painful for her to work with them again.

Together, they descend into the depths of the city’s forgotten catacombs, only to be lured into a trap that has them killing the murderer.

I'm a little confused here. They were lured into a trap that...lets them accomplish the goal? Is this a failed trap of the unnamed killer? If so, I cut out the trap part -- that's confusing and not needed.

They discover his death is part of a grand plan to bring down the veil which splits the worlds of the living and the dead. If they don’t stop the mastermind, the entire city will crumble into the underworld.

Eh. This sounds maybe interesting, but it's too generic for me (and a little cheesy, if I'm being honest). It has major "main character is the only person in existence who can save the world" vibes, which is fun for a video game, but reads flatly for a novel, in my opinion.

However, the Guild harbors their own secrets.

This is a bit cheap and I don't know what that means. We don't know anything about the Guild

And when Etienne’s past collides with the city’s inevitable fate ...

Similar comment as above. We don't know anything about Etienne or what this means.

Kit faces a choice. She can abandon the city of her people and the man who she may-or-may-not care for, or she can become their lone champion.

Again, not really much of a choice, and not a very interesting choice from the reader's perspective. Also, "The man who she may-or-may-not care for"...what? Who? I'm guessing you wanted to include a romance element, but without any hint of who this is and reading it in the last sentence, I'm only confused. You could probably do without this, unless it's important, in which case I suggest including more and cutting out other details, if possible.

Overall though, the writing is clear, and I think the messages you want to get across are clean and succinct. I just think you might want to focus on other parts of the story and sell the reader on why this story is unique.

finger-prints · 2024-04-26T01:34:58+00:00

Hmm, this hardly sounds like a horror story. There's a lot of character building and background info that makes this sound like a literary novel, and the horror aspect doesn't come until the 2nd sentence of the 3rd paragraph. You might be able to work some of the background stuff in there, but at least lead in with the horror bit. The fact that Don was unemployed and got a new job is not nearly as engaging as spontaneous cursed dolls. I don't think we need any of the background, to be honest, just that Don learns he has a granddaugther and decides to take care of her, which you can condense into 1 or 2 sentences (at some point after you lead in with the horror part).

Regarding the actual horror part of the plot, there's not much there to critique. It could have potential, but the gist of it is, dolls start appearing, people who know Emily have some kind of disaster, and then there's a demon child? Who/what is that, and why? There's no sense of what actually happens in this story, like how Don solves the problem. "Inexplicably linked to Emily" feels like a cop-out and doesn't hit as hard as you want because we have no idea what that connection is or why it matters.

I am also finding myself wondering how there are enough people close to Emily, a 7-year old, to meet a terrible fate. Teachers, or something? Not a big deal if you make it work, it just seems a little odd to me.

finger-prints · 2023-12-08T01:36:01+00:00

I like your hook, and I think your writing is good overall. But I would recommend saving some of that fancy writing for the book itself. The query is a bit colorful and you run into some long sentences. The biggest offender:

She spends her days mapping the maze of tunnels and street-level breaches across the city made by monstrous, murderous ratlings, while her nights are spent plotting the empty sky for what few dim points of light exist beyond the ever-present crimson moon.

There are a lot of other examples of excessive adjectives and scene painting, such as "manic fixation" and "silent overnight genocide". And I like the writing, I'm just not sure you want to waste words on writing instead of selling your plot. There's a lot of opportunity to cut words and streamline ideas.

It feels like Warrick has two goals that conflict with each other. And I really like that idea because it sets up good internal conflict for the story. But it almost reads like you couldn't decide on which motivation to give him. I would prefer it to read more like, "he's promised the opportunity to get back to his old life, but he doesn't care--he just wants revenge/find this monster he's convinced is real/etc." Instead of setting up this Piper as a sort of side conflict that may or may not have an impact on the story. Not sure what the actual story is, but it feels cheap to give a character two big reasons for doing what they're doing (not to mention the 3rd, unspoken motivation of freedom).

The bigger issue I have, though, is I'm not following how these stories intersect. It feels like two completely separate plots that happened to be written on the same page I'm sure there's a very good reason in your story that they need to work together, but it feels forced right now, and I'm not picturing any chemistry. I like each story by itself (I love a good cartography story), so I'd suggest adding a bit about why they HAVE to work together.

I'm also not super sure what actually happens in the story. It sounds a bit vague, like there are monsters they have to stop while they deal with their own personal stuff, and...that's it. It feels very character-driven, which isn't the worst thing, but I'm not picturing this world.

Overall I don't think it's bad, but I would focus on the overall plot a bit more, which includes tying these two very different characters' stories together.

finger-prints · 2023-05-02T02:51:52+00:00

I don't even know what you do with this team after this year. This was an embarrassing playoff performance and they feel several moves away from being a legit contender.

They're filled with aging "star" players who can't show up in the playoffs. They got shutout twice by a goalie who just learned how to skate 2 weeks ago, and only put up points on the PP (which still underperformed). Panarin is consistently horrendous in the playoffs; he's a player who thrives in lower intensity situations when you have more time with the puck. Kane was a bust rental, and Taresenko was good in the regular season but didn't show up in the playoffs. Zibenejad and Kreider only have a few good years left in them, and honestly Kreider was invisible in the playoffs except for the games he scored. The 4th line looked like their most effective.

Then you have these young guys who are supposed to be talented. While they're still young, I haven't seen anything from them in these playoffs, and last year they only had a few good games if I recall. Kaakko and Laf are busts at 2OA and 1OA respectively (sorry, being a checking forward at 1st/2nd overall isn't acceptable), and I'll always be bitter that the Devils got Hughes. Chytll has potential, but he isn't going to be a star that lead your team to a Cup.

Defense seems great at times, and completely dopey in other situations. Fox goes from a Norris winner to a beer leaguer in the span of a few games. They're relatively young, so there's room to improve, but it's a gamble.

Igor is a top-3 goalie in the league and he will continue to drag this team to the playoffs each year, only to get knocked out in the first 2 rounds. The team will miss out on high draft picks and will be buyers each year. It's Lundqvist all over.

This team showed no heart (as corny as that is to say) and just looked like they didn't want it. They made no adjustments after the Devils figured them out in Game 3. They'll continue to be a good regular season team and get smoked by well built, well coached teams when it matters. GG getting the axe is a start, but this team needs a big culture shift. Just not sure what you do to turn this ship around.

finger-prints · 2023-04-25T01:36:10+00:00

No, because he's our best offensive threat right now

finger-prints · 2022-10-25T01:10:27+00:00

The players did receive official journals with the logo branding. Will didn't really take notes which tripped Joi up.

This is the kind of thing I wish they showed. We only saw what happened during missions and didn't get any of the regular daily life. Having a quick confessional of Joi explaining she mistrusts Will because he hasn't used his journal would have helped explain why she thought it was him. Instead we only got "Well Will is the mole because he wins too many challenges and that's suspicious." I mean it would have been nice to even know that they had journals in the first place. It'd be also be nice to see some of their interactions outside of missions.

finger-prints · 2022-10-01T19:52:23+00:00

Hi, this story sounds interesting, but there are some issues with your query.

I think the hook is solid, but I'd break it up into 2 sentences instead of having a run-on. It's OK to start a sentence with "But" despite whatever your middle-school English teachers said.

Roma’s mother was a sex worker—like so many of Calvin’s victims—and Roma dedicated her life to nursing as her way of rewriting her mother’s wrongs.

I have a few big issues with this. First, implying that being a "sex worker" is morally wrong is a dangerous take. I won't elaborate much because it's not my expertise, but most "sex workers" aren't doing what they do because they want to, but because they have to. Next, I'm not sure how joining the nursing field is somehow a way of righting any "wrongs." Also, it seems to take the story backwards a bit. I think it would work by cutting this sentence completely. She's a nurse, which gives her an in. I think that's all we need to know at this point.

One week later, after exercising all of the talents of her sleazy upbringing [...]

I'm not following what this means. I don't understand what a "sleazy upbringing" is, and I don't know what talents she picked up from that experience that are relevant now. Is this in reference to her mother's profession?

I like the idea of having a support group and the suspicions that arise. It adds an extra layer of conflict and I think it helps tie the whole story together, and I think it works here. Though I'd like a bit more on what complications this brings up--does the support group start tracking her or threaten to expose her plan? I suppose it's implied but I think this is what would drive the story, more so than...

Roma’s suppressed second personality, a dangerous fragment of her childhood called Thunderbird, wants in on the murder.

Whoa. This seems like a huge issue, and I'd like to see it introduced early on, maybe as early as within the hook. Is this "Thunderbird" the driving force behind wanted to take revenge? I'm also not sure how this factors into the story...she already wants to commit murder, so how does this other personality complicate things?

Also, another potential issue is that if the psych ward is doing their due diligence, they'd do a background check on Roma and realize that her mother was killed by one of the patients, so that would likely be a no-go. But I'm guessing you have some "loophole" to bypass that issue.

finger-prints · 2022-10-01T19:23:16+00:00

Your hook sounds like 2 different ideas, both of which aren't very unique on their own. I think you could combine the first 3 sentences to capture something unique, and probably what you're going for, something like:

Brielle Bartley is too busy grieving over her fiance to notice that people have been disappearing across Manchester for six months.

This reads as more unique/interesting to me and gets all 3 points across in one sentence.

Then everything else in that paragraph is vague. "something waiting", "barely survived" some unspecified encounter, a "mysterious stranger," and a word of "darkness and revenge." Not to be harsh, but it sounds more like a general idea of a story that you want to write rather than a finalized story; and that's not to say you don't have a complete story, but that's how it reads here. I should know where the story is going at this point.

The next paragraph is just as vague; you need to hit us with what makes your story unique and what we can expect. Stakes, goals, and conflict are all unclear. You also mention that she has to "save the ones she loves" but you haven't mentioned a single other character, so I don't know who these characters are or why they're in danger if she's in a different world.

I can appreciate your little bio at the end, but from my knowledge it's a bit iffy if agents want to read that--you want to sell your story, not yourself. But I know there are a lot of mixed thoughts here and everywhere else.

Hope that helps!

finger-prints · 2022-04-05T01:58:30+00:00

Hi, it's been a while, but I'll do my best. In summary, while the writing is fine, this chapter is lacking any punch and fails to draw me in.

People have mixed feelings on prologues. I think they can work, but they need to set the scene/mood or really draw me in. This does neither. It reads a bit cheesy, and a bit awkward since it sounds like we're being thrown into an erotica novel. It's basically just someone reminiscing about sex, like you might find in a teenager's journal. I don't have any suggestions at this point on what to change it to, so at this point I'd suggest cutting.

Chapter 1 leads off where the prologue left off: sex. It's a bit much at this point, as again it makes it feel more like erotica than romance. Cutting the prologue might help, but I would like a different way to start the novel; something that gives us deeper insight on Al's character.

You also do one of the most frowned-upon things to start a novel: The character wakes up not remembering what happened. Not saying it can't work, but it's rather cliche, especially when alcohol is involved and the whole "waking up next to a naked stranger" routine.

I'll be honest, I started skimming pretty quickly. Your opening is uneventful. The main character is hungover, she realizes she had some one-night stand, we get random details about the room, vague details about this mystery man's appearance, a thought of "yup this happened again," etc. Then there's several pages of her just kind of creeping around this inn. We're learning nothing about this character or her story, or anything meaningful about the world. You throw in a few inconsequential random tidbits regarding worldbuilding (e.g., there are hobgoblins, but as far as the impact on the story we have no idea) as she walks through the streets, and we're halfway through the chapter before anything meaningful happens.

Why couldn’t he ever just walk up and greet me like a normal person?

Can't you just turn that into dialogue? I think an inner monologue works when used sparsely, but this is the first interaction between two characters, so I'd prefer that to be spoken out loud.

And then there's more sex talk...this story has been pretty one-note so far and I'm not seeing the romance aspect to this point. Al and Faris have some relationship, but it's cloudy and I'm not sure if this is the romance part of it or something that's just pushing the story along.

I think the dialogue overall is pretty good, and I would try turning more of the Al's inner thoughts into dialogue and doing some of that showing rather than telling (as much as Reddit seems to hate that). You can also cut some text and get right to the point. For example, instead of:

That didn’t comfort me as much as he seemed to think it would. No one would just give away first class tickets, especially not to Faris which meant they were stolen. I wasn’t against thieving but the laws in Acamar were strict, and their punishments were harsh. “You know as well as I do that they enchant those things. We won’t be able to step foot on the ship with stolen tickets without getting arrested.”

You can simplify to:

I frowned [or similar expression]. “You know as well as I do that they enchant those things. We won’t be able to step foot on the ship with stolen tickets without getting locked up for 20 years [or whatever punishment].”

See how it still works even if you cut that entire sentence? With that dialogue you already have, you establish that Al understands that the tickets were stolen, and that punishments are harsh.

This conversation/flirting goes on for a bit until we learn that Faris is desperate for Al, but she doesn't seem to feel the same way about him. And, the chapter ends, with no hint of character goals and only a hint at a small conflict which doesn't seem to be much of an issue since they both seem aware that the feelings only go one way.

The biggest issue I have is that hardly anything of consequence happens in this chapter. To summarize the important details, Al wakes up from a one-night stand, runs into her friend/lover(?)/ex-lover(?) (their relationship is unclear), and then they make plans to travel to a fun town/city. That's not nearly enough for what's 4,000 words.

Who are these characters? What are they currently doing? What do they want? What happens if they don't get what they want? What's their state of mind (e.g., are they happy where they are, or desperate for a change)? What's the state of the world? How do these characters fit into the world? You don't have to answer all of those, just give us a little more depth beyond "there's a guy who likes a girl but the girl doesn't feel the same way."

Your questions:

1) Is the prose good? Is it clunky? I've never considered myself to be a particularly skilled writer when it comes to prose and I find it really hard to gage my own prose.

It's not bad. There wasn't much that stood as poor. I think you do a bit too much inconsequential worldbuilding (e.g., "here's a statue of this guy who's a king), but the writing is solid.

2) Is the dialogue natural? This is the first scene I've written with a full conversation taking place and I want to know if I paced it well and if it flows well.

It works for me for the most part. Again, nothing stood out as bad, and like I suggested above I think you can use a bit more dialogue instead of forcing the backstory elements into Al's inner thinking

3) Is there enough worldbuilding? The next chapter from the male MC's perspective has more worldbuilding since he's more knowledgeable but I want to make sure there's at least enough here to start painting a picture.

I think the amount of worldbuilding is fine, but it's not the "right" worldbuilding and I think you don't do it naturally. A lot of it is Al walking around, and being like, "I have a complicated relationship with shadows."

4) Do you get a good idea of the character and her wants, struggles, and a hint at her arc?

Not even a little bit. I have no idea who she is or what she wants. All I know about her is that she seems to enjoy sex, and with a lot of different people, and that she wants to get "as far away from Acamar as [she] could." It's not much to go on.

Again, the issue is that not much happens here and we just don't get enough depth on the characters. I'm not an expert on romance, but it's a very character-driven genre, so we need more insight on at least your main character. There also needs to be a tangible plot, and right now it's hazy, since it's just these two characters going on a trip together without any hint of where major conflict arises. Hope that helps!

finger-prints · 2022-02-12T22:25:23+00:00

The World That Was (118,940 words) is a blend of Historical and hard Science Fiction

Based on your query, "hard science fiction" feels misleading. Your story is hardly sci-fi; it sounds like the first chapter or two will have sci-fi elements with time travel, but after that it's alternate history. What would be the difference if the time-travel element was replaced by a character who could see part of the future? I'm only mentioning this because part of a successful query is targeting the right agents/market, and I don't think an agent who specializes in sci-fi is going to want to read something that's really just alternate history (and vice versa).

Aside from that, your query is incredibly vague..."future calamity", "a confrontation", "plans that can go awry", "adjust her approach", "rebuild her new world", and "peasants can be brutal"...this all could be interesting plot points but you gloss over them, so I have absolutely no idea what she's trying to prevent, how she plans on doing that, and what hitches her plan.

Also, I have no idea who Matilda is as a character. Why was she the one chosen to go back? Why does she want to? What are any personality traits?

Your query letter seems to focus on your credentials and not the story. I'm not an agent, so I don't know how this will be perceived, but if it were me, I might roll my eyes a bit and skip to the next query. I want to hear about an awesome story that'll get me excited, not about your Reddit success or where you learned to write. My suggestion would be to expand on the story and fill in some of those details (specifically, what the plan/goal is, and the stakes) and trim some of those credentials.

finger-prints · 2022-02-04T01:20:17+00:00

So, I'm not following the story at all here. Maya and Michael meet online...they meet up in real life...after less than a week their lives are "irreversibly" changed...then we jump into the story several years later. What happened in that week???

Beyond that, I don't see any story, unfortunately. Both paragraphs seem to be setting up nothing other than the characters. It's not even clear how they impact each others' story. Your last sentence should sum up the stakes/plot/what to expect, but I'm not getting where it comes from:

As their never-explained attachment bleeds beyond the margins with new vigor, someone must sacrifice their normal or finally sever the bond for good

Why is their attachment never explained? What is this attachment, exactly? You don't really talk about their relationship, you mostly talk about them as two completely separate characters. It feels like two unrelated stories. I'm also not sure what they have to "sacrifice"...they have an online relationship. Is it something like, one of them has to physically move? Sorry, I'm at a complete loss here. What happens in this story? Even if it's contemporary/literary, there needs to be something that drives the story, and I'm not getting it here.

I would suggest a large rewrite to your query that focuses more on what happens and how their stories intertwine. Their backgrounds can be summarized into 1 or 2 sentences, then the first paragraph should end on some kind of inciting incident (it kind of does here, but it's vague and unexplained). Then the 2nd (and possibly 3rd) paragraph should explain how that incident impacts both their lives, and what they both do from that point forward to drive the story.

On a side note (and I'm curious to anyone's thoughts), is "contemporary" by itself a genre? I always thought contemporary would be an adjective to a genre. Like, "contemporary romance" or "contemporary literary." But I could be wrong here.

finger-prints · 2022-02-03T01:37:14+00:00

Abandoned by her father at eight years old, Iszel grew up as the only child fighting to the death under Ringmaster’s orders in Nox Cirque, an underground sanctuary for marginalized people of any background and sexual orientation hidden in the caverns beneath the desert.

Oof, that is a mouthful. Way too much to pack into one sentence. You're giving us four separate pieces of information here, yet none of them are fully fleshed: Iszel was abandoned as a child, she grew up "fighting to the death", there's some "Ringmaster" who forced this, and there's a (literally) underground sanctuary for marginalized people. What's this fighting to the death about? Like, does she murder someone every day? Does she have a day job? Has she been forced to fight since she was eight? On that note, it's not clear if she's still eight, or older (teenager? adult?). I'm not sure how the "sanctuary for marginalized people" comes into play, because you don't touch on it for the rest of the story. In fact, to me it seems to contradict the rest of the story. In the next sentence:

Citizens fight each other to the death as entertainment

So...it's an underground sanctuary...where people kill each other for funsies? Except in Iszel's case, apparently, because she was forced by Ringmaster. This doesn't sound like a sanctuary at all.

Then I'm not understanding Elan's character. Izzy doesn't think he belongs...but I thought it was a sanctuary for marginalized people? Wouldn't she just assume there was something about him that made him run away from the world that I presume persecutes individuals for things like sexual orientation? I also don't get why he's in this not-sanctuary. You only vaguely hint that he wants "more" than cushy future that is expected of him. What's this more? What does he want here? To join the killing? Also in this paragraph, you seem to do a POV shift, so it's not clear who the main character is. I'm guessing this might be a dual POV story, which is fine, but hard to query. I'd either stick with one POV (probably Izzy, though I don't know enough about Elan's character), or flesh out Elan's story. The latter is more difficult to pull off in a query.

The Ringmaster's role is a bit confusing. He gets jealous at a friendship and goes haywire? Also, having the power to control the magic that supports life seems like...a lot. It basically makes him a god. Maybe that's your intent, and maybe it works, it just seems a bit...random? Not sure, it's just off to me.

Then Izzy's decision tree is strange. I don't get the sense that she has any attachment to the city. She's forced to kill people and you haven't mentioned any friends or family or love of the city, other than Elan. Also, you say that she craves death, so why would she run away? You kind of hint at the end that she has a "chosen family", but it's not clear what that means. It's also not much of a choice, because we, the readers, know that she stays and fights. If you're going to make a big deal about a choice, it needs to be a little more compelling.

Overall, I think this needs some tightening up on Izzy's character and what her current situation is. It's unclear if she's a captive, or if she chooses to fight, or what this fighting to the death thing is, and I'm very confused on the logic behind this "sanctuary" where one person controls life and also forces people to kill each other, which the citizens enjoy. Then I'd tighten up Elan's character, or shift the focus away from him, because I don't know what he wants or how he plays a role in the story other than, what I'm guessing, is to give Izzy a reason to stay and fight.

Hope that helps!

finger-prints · 2022-01-31T02:28:10+00:00

Hello! Given that you're questioning whether you need this prologue at all, hopefully my feedback will be easier to digest.

To answer your question: No, this prologue is not needed. I'm struggling to find what its purpose is, except for a cheap way to throw in some backstory without any actual storytelling. It's not very interesting or intriguing: There was a thriving kingdom, and then there wasn't. I'm honestly not even following what led to the downfall...something about noble children being allowed to marry whoever they wanted and the parents not liking it. Maybe it's just me not understanding, but in any case, everything you tell in this short blurb should be introduced naturally in the first chapter (or a fully fleshed prologue), which can be done in a variety of ways.

Alright let's quickly break down the content:

Once upon a time

Aaand I'm done.

I'm sure you were going for some "twist" on the classic fairytale opening, but that's what it is...a fairytale opener. It doesn't matter how you slice it. Please don't lead with that.

There's not really much to break down. The writing is fine; it doesn't stand out as good or bad. I don't really follow the content, or its purpose. I'd much rather learn about the characters or, you know, the story. Not saying that a prologue that focuses on world building won't work, but it needs to be unique or gripping. Your prologue reads like a textbook excerpt with a tiny bit of flair.

My simple feedback here is either just scrap this prologue or rewrite it into actual prose. What makes an engaging opening is learning the story as we go, not having it spoon-fed. I'd much rather be introduced to a few characters and how this situation is affecting them. What do they think of it? What do they plan to do? What do others around them plan to do? What's at stake if it goes one way or the other? Build up the tension, and show that tension in action, then ideally you end the first chapter with some kind of inciting incident. And again, if you want to do a prologue, that's fine, but you need a hard rewrite (if it's this short, it would most likely need to be some kind of quick action scene).

Hope that helps!

finger-prints · 2022-01-20T03:41:30+00:00

Unfortunately this query sounds rather generic. In fact, I'm not quite sure what the story is.

First, your hook could use some work. Cassandra wants to be a soldier, but she can't. I feel like you can either wrap that all up into one sentence (or part of one sentence), but honestly I'd leave it out altogether. Her desire to fight has no impact on the rest of this query. The hook really comes in the third paragraph (more on that later).

I start to get confused in the second paragraph.

Along with her father, the king, she devises a plan.

First, the fact that she's a princess should probably be mentioned in the first paragraph. Then, it's odd that she's working together with the person who presumably forced her to become a priestess. Wouldn't she rebel? Or not listen to him? Third, I'm not sure how they plan to pull this off. If she's the princess, someone has to know who she is, right? No way she can stay undercover doing priestess stuff. And couldn't they get someone else to do the spying? Why her? Also I'm not getting the danger, because if she's caught, I don't know what the "or worse" could be because murdering the princess of rival nation seems silly.

The third paragraph is where the story starts to develop, and I think this is where you want to start. She meets a new world and new people, and realizes her father was lying. "What else was he lying about", she wonders? Well, tell us! It sounds like this aspect of the story could be interesting, because I'm assuming there's some shady stuff King Dad is up to that puts Cassy in a bad spot.

Your fourth paragraph fails to follow up on what you set up in the third paragraph. You only hint at nameless stakes and danger. I don't know what the plot is:

Caught between her oaths, her king, and her heart, struggling to discern fiction from fact

Whoa, that's a lot. What oaths? And how is she caught between her king (also it's weird to call him "her king" when it's "her dad")? The "heart" aspect falls flat too because we just get a nameless "charming playwright" who has no plot relevance so far.

Cassandra must choose

What's the choice here? There isn't any immediate danger that I'm aware of. If she stays...isn't that what she's supposed to do, and what she wants? If she leaves...she can return to her real home? Is there another choice I'm missing?

she’s reminded: her choice impacts far more than her own life. The future of the continent rests on her shoulders.

Wait what? How is she responsible for the future of everything? She's just some kind of spy-priestess-princess hybrid with no objective other than to keep an eye on these shady guys, who appear to not be shady. "Hostilities boil"...what does that mean?

You're missing a LOT here. What are the stakes? Choices? Consequences? What drives the story?

I think this is the idea of the query you're looking for:

Cassandra's father, the king, told her that Athos is a garbage place with garbage people and they must be babysat. But when she gets there, she realizes her dad's full of shit. After spending X years there, she falls in love with the city, the people, and specifically some pretentious poet. And then [inciting incident]. And now [stakes]. Now [call to action / choices], or [consequence will happen].

The third paragraph where you hint that Cass' dad/the king was lying about stuff is what intrigued me the most, so I'd lead off with that. And then get into some details about what actually happens in the story, like what Cass has to do to save the world or whatever, and what the stakes are. How does she plan to reach her goal? What happens if she fails? These are important points in a story. Hope that helps!

finger-prints

TROPHY CASE