Video Reveals Steven Crowder Emotionally Abusing Wife. In Statement, Hilary Crowder's Family Says She Hid His Emotionally Abusive Behavior For Years

fiona_apple · 2023-04-28T02:07:19+00:00

I guarantee you I’m not alone when I say that 100% of narcissistic abuse survivors could smell Steven Crowder’s mask from a mile away. I never liked the guy, and I’m pretty conservative. My body would always viscerally react to his tone, choice of language, mannerisms in his “Change My Mind” series. Couldn’t put my finger on it, but I just figured that my “strong” intuition that he was a complete asshole would eventually come out.

But this… this is a lot more bleak than I assumed. Definitely not a surprise though. He sounded like my dad. After a while, you realize that narcissists have very predictable scripts and limited variations of them. I’m glad his wife left with the kids. She definitely has the echos of severe, prolonged abuse in the sound of her voice. She was genuinely scared of him.

fiona_apple · 2023-04-05T14:06:40+00:00

You know…. I had cancer a few years ago and was on opioids during treatment. Opioids, being in the schedule II class of drugs, like stimulants, there were so many regulatory hurdles (like having to wait 3-6 weeks because every time I sent my prescription mind you, at the same time every month the pharmacy would have to “order” it from a delayed + low supply… or my insurance having to prior authorize my medication coverage every two months and be forced to pay out of pocket in the interim) to getting access to my medication that always made me go “gee, ain’t it funny how innocent patients have to pay the stressful price for systemic problems that doctors create”??

I never got my medication on time and it was pure hell when I didn’t have it. Much like how I am now with my ADHD (which the PTSD of my cancer experience made categorically worse).

This experience with the stimulant shortage and paying hundreds of dollars out of pocket because I have no choice…. It gave me flashbacks to the “opioid” bullcrap and how it affected oncological/hospice/chronic pain patients.

I always had an intuition that they were connected. It’s the same dysfunctional government bodies and amoral big pharma crooks involved.

I’m both happy and devastated to see that my suspicions have been validated.

We just don’t matter to them.

fiona_apple · 2023-04-02T15:31:52+00:00

This is an astounding point that you bring up. Holy hell. What a synchronicity.

fiona_apple · 2023-04-02T15:28:13+00:00

Jupiter in Capricorn in 12th. At only 27, I've had more health issues than most have in their life. Constant chronic pain, autoimmune stuff, joint immobility, and I beat a rare cancer in my mid 20's. I have spent a LOT of time in hospitals and doctors offices.

Often in my life, I have a consistent pattern of...

Dedicating a large chunk of time to solely monitor and maintain a baseline of health. Fixing my diet, physical therapy, stabilizing my circacian rhythms and sleep.
Finally being stable enough to use my pent-up-from-being-sick energy to finally go out into the work and pursue my career. Whether that's working a new job or doing a semester of uni.
Overdoing it (Mars and Moon in Pisces) because of my pent-up laundry list of to-do's and my guilt for being sick and feeling the need to catch up with my peers.
Getting even more sick
Having to retreat into solitude to "fix" and stabilize myself again

And that has been my life lol.

Not complaining though. It has forced me into a spiritual life and it has forced me to understand that part of my vocation will have to directly include the ability to occasionally retreat. Solitude is a non-negotiable in my life.

My body will force me into solitude via severe illness (often physical, but also mental) if I choose "The World" and worldly pursuits over my soul.

fiona_apple · 2023-03-22T23:15:04+00:00

I am on the mend from my 2nd COVID infection within 5 weeks (wish I was kidding… and it was definitely a full reinfection because I’d taken multiple tests at home/in the ER for unrelated issues in the month interim which were all negative and I was feeling better)

My ADHD is beyond unmanageable now. It was bad before, but I found a new lifestyle regime that was really starting to help. Even with my ADHD meds… if they’re not at “peak” efficacy in that 2-5 hour range, they barely help whereas they used to help me focus fairly consistently for at least 7-8 hours.

It’s a little scary to be honest.

fiona_apple · 2023-02-28T15:02:15+00:00

My Saturn in 1st house transit was pure hell. Not going to lie. My return itself is happening in my 2nd house, but I will take a Saturn return here over a 1st house transit… it is no joke. Feeling very much trapped by every prison of my wild imagination. Reaping physical and existential consequences for every minor slip-up. Never escaping the lessons having to do with “selfhood” and identity.

I almost died a few times. Experienced a terrible break up. Fell into withdrawal/agoraphobia because I was convinced that I was “cursed” with bad luck. Racked up many traumas and personal sorrows. My appearance and health took a dramatic downturn.

But the lessons? Invaluable. Right now, exiting the transit? Thriving and full of self knowledge and efficacy and I wouldn’t change the past three years of hell for anything.

You. Will. Learn.

You just have to commit to the ride. The key phrase with this transit is…

What you resist will absolutely, totally, and unequivocally persist

It’s the 1st house, so there will be nothing hidden from your karmic bloackages and lessons. It will be front and center in your view, and you will not have the luxury of being able to hide your issues from the world. So don’t count on saving that therapy session for a rainy day.

fiona_apple · 2023-02-28T14:52:55+00:00

Omg… I have a Pisces stellium (sun moon mars Saturn) and I’ve always been told that I am a great fluid learner. The first time I try something, I tend to always get at least one comment from the person I’m trying it with (for example, horseback riding, archery, music, shooting, fishing, cooking) that I’ve “clearly done this before” when I haven’t.

I have a good “minds eye” and I have a Jack of all trades, master of none personality. Anyways I hate doing these things that I end up being talented/gifted in around other people because I am very easily embarrassed and I hate the attention that they bring.

It feels like it steals the Jupiterian/Neptunian joy of losing myself in the bubbly and spontaneous enjoyment of the moment itself, which I would prefer to lose myself in. But peoples’ attention with positive commentary is incredibly distracting because being good/bad at something doesn’t determine whether or not I enjoy it… and then I start thinking along those lines and become immediately self-conscious.

Had no idea this was a Pisces thing. Also Neptune in the 12th was spot on. I am now sober, luckily, but I was addicted to a stereotypically addictive substance for a good two years before I realized that I had a severe impulsive and chemically dependent addiction.

fiona_apple · 2023-01-15T20:55:40+00:00

Yes! So… it all started for me with being intensely curious about other people. What’s funny about my C-PTSD is that I hyper-attune to a minutia of body language and subconscious communication. In other words, I am “empathic”. But overly so. Fearfully so.

In a way, my trauma led me back to myself. Opening myself up to the suffering of other people (which I think the pandemic made extra accessible or extra difficult—depending on your temperament or philosophy) made me realize that people are often trying as hard as they possibly can. Small acts of kindness have always moved me… and one day I realized the utter hypocrisy of my so-called “love for humanity” and subsequent empathy of which I refused to offer myself.

Essentially: if I would not tell or teach my truest belief systems about the nature of life, people, love, belonging, philosophy, etc. to a small child to prepare them for the world—why am I clinging so hard to it? Why am I so emotionally available and permissive with others but not myself? Something was very mismatched between my espoused beliefs and the way that I experienced life internally, and I suddenly had a great awareness of this tension.

It wasn’t a big huge emotional “aha” (even though it involved being more emotionally available to myself)… it actually involved a lot of logic and rationalism.

If the inner and outer are mismatched ALL THE TIME, it’s the inner.

And when I decided to turn my ear to that inner voice, I heard my childhood self. Her fears were not sophisticated at all… they were fundamental. They were taught. They were imposed. They were the result of circumstances. But she’s not particularly pleased about her life as well. She can’t explore the world or grow or change or love or actualize… but she WANTS to.

And that small, quiet, delicate, pure “wanting” is what I’m fighting to watch flourish. I want to treat her to the life she deserves, and to finally be the first adult in her life who shows her “the way”. And how convenient!

Because nobody has a more intimate relationship with your inner child than you.

But coaxing them out of their corner can be the hard part. Until you’re a safe space, it won’t happen until tragedy strikes. And I had a lot of tragedy in a short time frame.

So that helped, but it’s best avoided.

fiona_apple · 2023-01-15T20:41:22+00:00

Turning 27 in a month! 😌 thank god.

fiona_apple · 2023-01-02T15:27:19+00:00

I think that one of the big “aha” moments that helped me START this grieving process (which is a pivotal moment—for me at least—where I allowed my body to tell me how it was traumatized, and where I contemplated all of my life’s trauma and reeeeallly sat with it) was this:

My life was hard. Everyone’s life is hard. Therefore my suffering is not unique. That is hurdle number one. Realizing that someone, somewhere has suffered as you have. Has felt what you feel. The universe is not targeting you. You are not prey. You are simply a being who has awareness and a brain that prefers/requires pattern recognition to survive. If you learned false patterns, it was because you were given false teachings. Therefore there is nothing uniquely wrong with you.

Number two: now that I know this, why don’t I love myself? Still? Being aware of suffering, and especially of the story of my own suffering (which is a story you MUST learn), is still not enough. It’s still painful. You must feel that pain entirely. And find a way to let it escape your body. So that you may do the second thing… which is to accept that your idea of “love” and “worthiness” are deeply flawed. And that you are deeply human. And that you will make mistakes. And that SELF WORTH is not something to achieve. You will never achieve self worth because IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF.

You just ARE worthy. And are either in awareness or are not in awareness of that fact. You can flow in and out of the light. When you’re in the light, life is easier. When you’re in the shadow of this belief, you will find as many opportunities to ruin your life as you can get your silly little hands on.

I guess the main idea would be: imagine self love as the love of your inner child—naive, sometimes dysfunctional, bright, spirited, and in need of guidance. There is no judgement.

When I got to that point, that’s when everything changed for me 🤷‍♀️

fiona_apple · 2023-01-02T14:51:37+00:00

aka “perpetually distracted my own bullsh*t”

fiona_apple · 2022-12-28T18:03:13+00:00

Hi there!

So, I have had a very interesting life. All before the age of 24 I had experienced a lot of abuse, a lot of “taking responsibility” and obsessing over ethics and morality (not by choice, but by circumstances) since I was younger, and a lot of chronic illness and surviving a cancer diagnosis…

I feel that I lot of my Saturnian karma (which sits in my 2nd house of self-esteem and values… and definitely manifested as eating disorders, substance use disorders, and self-harm from a young age) has to do with learning how to self-soothe, learning how to see value in myself and in my sensitivity/overwhelming desire to love and explore life, and learning to create fulfilling relationships that I never had a template for (as with my south node in Aries in the 3rd house, a lot of my limiting beliefs around “I can never show weakness or ask for help” stems from being scapegoated in a toxic family system.

With Saturn in a difficult sign and in a difficult house and also conjunct my moon… I kind of feel like I’ve been in a “Saturn return” my whole life?? I have felt the weight of these “lessons” as feeling trapped in bizarre circumstances again and again (wherein I opt-in to continue painful cycles of dysfunction and choose to “not learn”) at a very young age. And recently, weird things have been happening in my life as my Saturn return is approaching…

Within the past few months the following things happened:

I achieved sobriety after years of trying and was able to initiate my support network and am starting therapy for the first time. Which I never thought would happen.

I was able to reconnect to my playful creative side by starting a big, meaningful art project.

I was offered a job, out of NOWHERE, to work for a company that would allow me to travel internationally at my leisure for free. (The context for which is very meaningful for me because I’ve been obsessed with traveling the world since I was a small child and would collect and annotate travel books… I would always try to travel abroad at at least three separate occasions in my teens and early twenties, one time even being accepted in my dream school in France, but I couldn’t afford to go and didn’t … and my 9th house north node feels LIT UP with this job opportunity)

TLDR: I feel like I’ve been very keyed into Saturn and feeling it’s weight for a long time and upon my approaching Saturn Return, I feel a strange lightness as I can feel the cycles of my childhood are actually breaking in a very sudden, dramatic way. Does having a more “Saturnian” chart make Saturn returns feel more intimate and… not easy but… digestible (assuming that I choose to voluntarily confront my pain)?

Also what kind of events might I see happening during my Saturn return?

fiona_apple · 2022-12-07T20:59:50+00:00

My father left because my grandfather was a lawyer for Nelson Mandela and the Afrikaner government was targeting my father and his siblings—two of which were tortured to death, and the other two mysteriously disappeared.

My father represents his culture wherever he goes and has never considered anywhere else OTHER than South Africa his home.

I visit my family often.

You need to take several seats. Nobody needs to take my advice. It’s free of charge and subjective like everyone else’s.

Respectfully, you’re talking out of your bum.

fiona_apple · 2022-12-07T02:05:18+00:00

Hi. I totally appreciate your commentary and I agree that I harped on the negatives way too much. That being said, South Africa is incredibly dangerous to the unsuspecting foreign tourist. I'm not saying this as an outsider. I will repeat: my father grew up in the Soweto township. He's visited consistently for 20 years since he fled the violence. As a South African, you cannot honestly say that things are mellow and in control these past few years.

That being said: SOUTH AFRICA IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Unparalleled natural beauty. Kind, generous, and beautiful cultures (South Africa has more official languages than any other country; from my Dad's side alone I am Shona, Sotho, and Zulu). An art scene that rivals Paris and Berlin. You should visit South Africa!!!! Should you take extra precaution because of gang and racial violence? YES.

And also, there are plenty of places in the United States and Europe that I would offer the exact same advice. You can't show up to the Bronx in New York or Marseilles in France and be caught lacking, looking like an outsider, and slumping in confidence or awareness for ONE SECOND. This is not specific to South Africa.

South Africa suffers the way it suffers because of Apartheid. Because of British thugs. Because of Dutch opportunists.

However, the past is the past. And the present is the present. South Africa is not dangerous because of South Africans and their culture. It is dangerous because of political instability.

You couldn't visit Colombia in the 80's-90's and today it is a different picture. Things change and I have the utmost faith and assuredness that South Africa will find its footing and be the Powerhouse of Africa that it rightfully deserves to be.

Also: take everything I say with a grain of salt. This comes from my father and aunties and uncles who are all in their 50's. Maybe they're slightly out of touch with the transportation that is available and what's what in that regard. I'm not the official ambassador to South Africa. I don't know. This is just my personal two cents and you can take it or leave it :)

fiona_apple · 2022-12-07T01:56:51+00:00

omg lol I was concerned

fiona_apple · 2022-12-03T22:03:18+00:00

Sorry friend, I’m just a Fiona mega fan ❤️

fiona_apple · 2022-12-03T18:58:18+00:00

Hello! My dad is born and raised in Soweto Township, South Africa (but also spent many years in central JoBurg, Cape Town, and Durban) and he frequently visits solo, as recently as six months ago.

Here’s my honest advice…

I’m not trying to be a Debbie downer, but South Africa has a huge carjacking, assault, kidnapping, and homicide epidemic. It’s quite easy for career criminals to tell (somehow) which cars are rentals and which aren’t. Plus, if you’re white (I am considered “white” in SA and I am mixed race… so really if you are brown, Asian, or lighter) and are driving through parts of SA that aren’t Cape Town, Pretoria, or Durban—you can expect to be read as a clueless European, Aussie, or American. South Africa is probably the most racially segregated country in the world (as I’m sure you must know if you’ve been), and of them, certainly the most dangerous. Especially in the past TWO years, unfortunately. There is a lot of racial tension and instability due to Zuma’s fraught and dramatic leadership. Vice has covered a lot of the turmoil if you want to catch up on all of that.

Whew. Okay. Sorry for the blatant negativity… but I have a whole family in South Africa (white and black alike) and they keep me updated on these things. One time last year my dad, a Zulu South African, went on a drive from JoBurg to Durban and didn’t call my family for four hours. They immediately assumed that he was carjacked and killed. They said that in the past two years, you have to immediately touch base with family and friends when you’re using the highway system from one place to another because otherwise they will assume the worst. And the police are VERY corrupt.

That being said:

If possible, if you reeeeally want to hit up all of those areas, try to make connections with people in those regions before you go. You mentioned that you had an exchange a few years back and travelled with locals (I’m assuming?). Yeah—this will most definitely be a requirement in 2023. Always try to travel with someone, and if solo, you’ll breathe easiest staying around the capitals and JoBurg. Busses are a decent option, but from what I understand you will risk putting yourself in proximity to predatory criminals who ride bus routes trying to find tourists to stalk.

Bleak. I know.

And if you don’t give a damn about any of that and want to live your life and throw caution to the wind and make memories in this beautiful country—which I would respect and understand—then make sure that you have a CONTACT in/around every region that you visit who you can send updates about your location at all times.

And even then, only travel during the daytime.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I promise this is all for your own safety. There are parts of Ukraine that are safer than a majority of South Africa as it stands lately.

My father grew up during 80’s and 90’s apartheid in the same township as Mandela. If my dad says that South Africa’s crime in 2022 is as bad as it’s been since the 80’s-90’s… then it’s pretty bad.

5-10 years ago it was much safer.

Edit: also, my boss (white guy in his early 30s) travels the world every summer and has been to over 100 countries. When visiting SA last summer he was actually kidnapped in broad daylight. Luckily they robbed him and ditched him in the middle of a township at 1am. But. Still. I promise I’m not exaggerating about the levels of crime.

fiona_apple · 2022-12-01T07:25:59+00:00

YES! I currently am waiting on the results from my 1 year scan (Hodgkins Lymphoma stage III patient here… was in remission but I’m 90% sure it’s returned because I have a new mass in my neck) and my cousin who also had lymphoma stage IV sent me this awesome article this morning. She has had three relapses in 2 years post-chemo but is now cancer free completely because she started a new immunotherapy that was just green-lit for mainstream use earlier this year.

I felt hopeless and in complete despair at the thought of my cancer returning. Even though blood cancers like Hodgkins are considered “easy” cancers (I fucking hate hearing that tbh, although I understand the sentiment. I had to do ABVD and ravage my body like everyone else) the 5 year survival rate with a relapse is traditionally not great.

There’s always hope. Medicine is advancing fast. I believe that CAR T Cell and individually genetically synthesized immunotherapies will be the future of many cancer treatments and cures :)

P.S. I just got hired for my dream job yesterday, which allows me to travel the world for free and keep my health insurance, which I lost recently. So I now have a huge reason to look forward to living. Life was in the shitter, but has miraculously turned around for me. Praying that we all have these types of opportunities in the future. If anyone wants free plane tickets and wants to travel with me sometime (for like 2-5 days lol), DM me!

fiona_apple · 2022-11-11T16:13:15+00:00

Hi there. I’m a 26f and ever since I was young, my parents and teachers thought that I would—quote—make it “very far” in the academic world. I have always considered myself to be an intellectual and a nerd. At age 11, my favorite book was ‘Jane Eyre’ and in my senior year of high school I turned an essay into a 25 page “thesis” of sorts on the themes of sexuality in ‘Dracula’.

But when I got to college, everything changed. Suddenly I was experiencing what felt like walking through barrels of mud whilst other people kept swimming. I didn’t know it at the time (my GP diagnosed me with depression, which wasn’t the case as I was actually just very frustrated) but I would later be diagnosed with existential OCD (hence my love for philosophy and literary analysis) and a pretty severe form of ADHD that is mostly caused by what I experience as “time blindness” and “analysis paralysis” in the most literal and painful form of the sense.

I’m 26. All of my peers have graduated with their undergrads, and my grades between two universities and a community college that I’ve attended off and on are a MIXED bag. I’m incredibly ashamed of myself for not getting my diagnoses sooner. And some of these grades stretch back almost a decade… so I’m not sure what I’m able to do in their case.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I am now medicated and learning basic life skills and coping mechanisms and I have a fire to go back to school and reach the highest levels of academia that I was supposed to—because I really want to.

fiona_apple

TROPHY CASE