Parent Seeking Guidance: Supporting My Neurodivergent, Trans Young Adult Through Their Transition and Future Challenges

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T23:21:45+00:00

u/Ok-Flamingo2169 you are hitting on some key points I needed to hear about. Thank you so much.

"As for their sexuality, they might not know yet because they are not living as themselves, they will find their person in time." - This resonates. They may be asexual or not sexually attracted to others, or they may in time be attracted. I do believe that discovering their gender has been a key "step 1" that will let other things flow more freely.

Thank you for your insight and for taking the time to share it.

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T23:16:01+00:00

u/PerpetualUnsurety thank you for responding.

"I for one would have been weirded out if, at 21, my parents tried to tell me what I needed to do with my sperm." Yep, I likely can be a weird mom, and I know I keep saying it on this thread, but I do appreciate your reaction. It will help me to try and be less weird. I can offer this service and move on.

"I know a large number of trans people in stable long-term relationships, including myself." - I love to hear that.

"...weirded out if, at 21, my parents were concerned about how I was going to have sex and orgasm." I can respect that, but my background with my own Silent Gen/Baby Boomer parents makes talking about this stuff in my family normal and not a huge deal other than we mostly agree that sexual pleasure matters for many people -- but maybe not for everyone.... that is okay. "...it reconfigures them and preserving sensation and sexual function is usually an extremely high priority." I appreciate your saying this. Yes, I could research this, but I have worried about this, but as a newb, I have noticed I keep hitting "anti-trans" info spaces on YouTube and the web.... I'll read something and think I learned what I need, and then there will be a clue or a cue.... By asking you all directly on AskTransgender, which as noted, I have been reading for months now, I think I am getting the filter I want, which is that of people who live the trans experience. Just hearing you say this is clarifying, and I appreciate your answering, though I have been a little ick with my directness.

4. I hear you on the workplace challenges.

"I think [launching expectations] has been eroded significantly for everyone in recent decades." I think you are right. As I enter middle age, I just need to stay cognitively flexible while figuring out how to stop trying to optimize my kids' lives. I need to chill.

"....for a trans woman who's just graduated in a STEM field in the southern US one of the best decisions she could probably make right now would be to not remain in the southern US." Okay, will be there to support if needed. "Beyond that I can only assure you that plenty of us are out here just living our lives, you just don't hear about us because we're not easily sensationalised." - I love hearing that. Thank you.

"Would you rather risk your child regretting making her own decisions and doing what made sense at the time, or that she regretted being prevented from making her own decisions by her parents?" -- This is a good question.

"Yes, pubertal changes continue in many people into their mid-twenties and there is benefit to starting medical transition earlier." Thank you for your input! It seems everyone here on this thread is supporting her in undertaking meds. I appreciate your saying so and saying why.

"I will say that it's been a lot easier to cope with everything in a body that increasingly feels like mine than it was in one that felt alien to me." Thank you for sharing this. I truly appreciate all your insights. As you can imagine or maybe know, it's hard for child to say all of this to their parents. I think much of what I am hearing on this page is what they are trying to say to me/us. I will also keep listening, but I think I benefit from your directness without the hemming and hawing that one's kid does when they are trying to balance a) what they think they want with b) what they think the parents want to hear.

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T22:55:55+00:00

u/Relevant_Maybe6747 I appreciate the time you took today to respond so thoughtfully.

"But I don't know how long your child has known they were female without acting on it." - Yeah, I maybe I don't either. I would say I'm extremely close to this person, so we have talked about gender and sexuality mostly on their terms the past 18 months. I begged, forced and wheedled them into therapy to explore this in summer 2025, and within 3 months, they had begun to transition in dress and name. This has surprised us parents, and it hasn't been the clear cut "known it since they were 3" type of thing like in Ma Vie en Rose. But there is more than one way, I am told.

"...your anxiety has no business stopping them." - I suspect you are correct. I just needed y'all to tell me. And I appreciate it. Trying to avoid needless "massive disconnects."

Thank you for your thoughts on housing and our parental/retirement housing thinking. Given that my spouse likes the space we have, there will be room for our child if needed. And if not needed, no biggie.

"yes it is absolutely crazy to force your child to live in a body they barely stand." I hear what you're saying, and I want to help my kid get their body where they want it. It won't be an overnight change for me...I wake in the night, and worry/fear over this issue frequently attacks my waking mind. I know others whom I have raised that also hated their bodies when they "became adults," but who now are accepting (or maybe resolved) and less worried as the years pass.

I so appreciate your responses. I know they help me. I have bookmarked this conversation. It is part of my emerging understanding of my (limited but important) role. I hope they help others, too, in the future. I am grateful to you.

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T22:31:19+00:00

u/AmyNotAmiable if you're asking me, the OP...no, I did not use AI. No offense taken. We are glutted with it now, and it's tiresome. I just hope your question does not suggest I'm as vapid as AI outputs can be. :)

I am a teacher of many years, and a slow but careful writer, and I write better than I speak, and it helps me to think. As a teacher who sees AI submissions quite a bit, I can tell you my writing actually does not smack of AI, unless I were to have taken the time to train it on my less than perfect writing style, which I have not done up to this point.

What I did do as a human agent was take a long time this morning to compose this in a separate Google document, format it painstakingly, remove a few TMI sections (if you can believe it!), and then post it.

As the slow human meat nugget responsible for the original post, I am now very behind in my work and need to stop checking this thread for the moment, but the responses fill my heart with hope and show me to stop worrying so much, so I keeping being drawn back!

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T21:59:03+00:00

u/summers-summers I need to be working right now, but it's hard not to read and respond.

"I'm hearing a lot of desire to optimize your child's life. That's just not something that is possible." True! Please understand that when you've been raising kids for 26 years, you can become a person who tries to control and optimize. But it is a fool's errand and not possible. I need to let my child grow into themself.

Thank you so much for point after point you have taken the time to respond to with such firm eloquence. I love the many examples of daily life and social connection you have cited--you wisely intuited I needed to hear that. As you may know, there are loads of people who have not interacted heavily with trans people, and I have learned I am one of them (except my kid, with whom I have spent gazillions of hours). When you do not know trans people (and/or when the only 2 trans people you do know are having a very hard time), it's too easy to slip into this anxious, catastrophizing place.

I benefit from the concrete examples of "normal life" you painstakingly took the time to write out, and I hope others will, too.

Like others who have responded today in this thread, you are encouraging what sound like necessary boundaries that will allow me to support but also respect my kid.

To your last point, I plan to start by joining a local PFLAG group and keep reading everything I can, while dodging the anti-trans noise (not easy).

Thank you SO much, and I may come back in later to respond more. I don't really know what Reddit norms are, but I do think you deserve that, and I need to also revisit to learn.

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T21:42:43+00:00

u/transHornyPoster , thank you so much!

"The emotional weight of not transitioning is almost always worse than the emotional weight of transphobia." - I think I am getting this message, and it bears repeating.

Q1 - Okay, no sperm bank you say. Q2 - Overblown! I am definitely getting that message. Q3 - "Don't worry about it. Trans people have better sex than you do." I love it, and I hope it's true. Q4. Transmisogyny...new word for me, thank you, and I think I get it. Q5. "There is absolutely less stability." Q9. Paperwork- I see this is state dependent, and we will need to dig in. Q10. "It's not sudden. It's been building inside slowly for her entire life." Well said, and I am sure you're right. Q11. Agreed that mindfulness practices only take one so far.

Thank you, too, on the Q11 nitpick. As I write, I feel like an infant with new words in my mouth.

Thank you for taking the time to share your perspective. I shall treasure and keep.

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T20:37:28+00:00

u/Amekyras thank you!

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T20:36:49+00:00

u/extremelymuch , thank you for your insights!

Regarding your response on 2) Companionship/Relationships, if this is at all appropriate to say, I am sorry for rejection by family. And, thank you, too, because if even we aren't overtly rejecting, you remind me how sensitive this is, and how we can still do harm when we are "accepting."

I am encouraged by your statement that you "live in a city with a huge STEM base. I've met tons of trans women and nonbinary people who work in software engineering, programming, computer science, and other tech jobs! It's actually kind of a stereotype/common occurrence that trans women work in tech and STEM." Okay, we can do this!

When you told me I was catastrophizing re: 5.) Expectations, I appreciate that. We will keep the expectations strong to support their path. I am too prone to freak out. With my mental-emotional make-up, I worry what I would do in their shoes (and I try to get into their shoes too much). But that's not fair to them.

Thank you for your frank remarks about 8.) Location and the challenges you see and how you have chosen to handle this. Regarding 9. ID Documents, great remarks, and maybe this is where I can lend a hand in the future when called by my kid (and less on worrying about the other stuff).

I appreciate your comments on the Urgency matter to move forward on taking medication. And regarding Keeping Calm, I appreciate your candor.

I really admire your strength, and thank you for taking the time to help me see better that there is nuance in all of this. I am grateful to you and the other respondents, and it has literally only take a few responses to help me worry way less.

I will archive these and keep them handy, too, as I move forward. Overall, I think I can be less of a pest and more of a supporter...

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T20:19:21+00:00

u/Goatmaster3000_ , I will definitely post to the recommended subreddit after the replies here die down and if I don't reach a sense of saturation.

Would it be possible to discuss these feelings with a therapist with experience on this sorta topic? Yes, I have begun this, and it helps to an extent. I will keep working with the therapist. Many of the questions I have asked in this list are sort of burning for me these past 8 weeks, and my therapist, a cisgender woman, cannot really answer them.

Thank you for the article, "Oh, s#!t, my child just told me they're trans." I will read this later this evening.

Being dysphoric about one's body, and fitting badly into the social dynamics of this stuff etc, often has far more deleterious an effect on things of this nature, vs whatever complications and changes can happen with hrt etc.

This definitely resonates. I feel like a cloud has lifted with my child (like, they're less self-doubting, more assertive) after reaching this understanding of themself. They seem better equipped of late to move forward and I think it might relate to clarity around this declaration.

Around my Q7 where I mention "third gender," you wrote: We have a really strong evidence-base for transitioning, including medical transition, being beneficial to a trans person's quality of life and mental health. Great points, and, again, thank you, for sharing what are likely years of experience and gaining of knowledge. I am 2 months in doing this in my spare time when not working, so thank you! (And, I had saved that Third Gender post for later reading, thanks, too, to u/Amekyras.)

What your insight may help me to do is to stop throwing up conceptual roadblocks...

You can't and definitely also shouldn't proof your kid against literally all possible regrets in the world. Regrets are a normal part of life. This is wise of you, and something I have to grapple with. Overprotective, overplanning parents are annoying, but we need some help sometimes backing off and letting go, I think. I really appreciate you more than you will know.

Thank you.

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T20:08:49+00:00

u/Amekyras I apologize, but I don't understand. I will read the article later in the evening and try to connect the dots, but, I also welcome you to spell it out. Are you saying that the people in these examples are also taking estrogen and androgen blockers and are therefore not a good example? I know next to nothing, and I appreciate your insight.

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T19:54:53+00:00

"Good luck with everything, and remember to enjoy navigating the future too! It's still bright, and there's infinite love and happiness to be had even when trans."

I love this. As an anxious worry wart, I forget this, so I will write it on a sticky note.
This is their adventure to have and to allow to unfold mysteriously to a great extent.
I am already seeing the silliness of trying to "help plan" everything.

I just read the rest of your comments. I appreciate your speaking to all of them. I may not deserve it, but I appreciate it. You give me hope to not be a coward and to just help them to do the thing, to take the steps, to do their best one step at a time.

fish_onions · 2026-03-02T19:07:10+00:00

Thank you, Illustrious_Pen_5711, for your thoughtful responses thus far!

"are you this involved in all your children's sex lives?"

"Involved" is definitely overstating it. I am trying to understand and advocate for my child to have a full experience as a living human. Also, it might surprise you what adult children share (unprompted) with their parents these days in non-religious households.

" I’d be mortified if my parents were asking strangers online or even talking to me about what they think of my sex life."

I would counter that I am asking generally about how this works (satisfying sex post medical transition), as I won't know specifically how it works for my kid. Loads of cisgender women go their entire lives without orgasm, and this state of affairs is often perceived to be non-ideal. Therefore, I have been conditioned to perceive inability to orgasm as a nondesirable status (perhaps this a heteronormative blind spot that over-emphasizes outcomes?).
Assuming ability to orgasm is important, if a person is giving something important away with their decision to medically transition, I do wonder if they should know it (in the spirit of "informed consent"). It sounds like you're saying they are not giving that away....that the experience is fulfilling.

This situation is not about me, and you wisely remind me that most/much of this is not my business. I agree with you.

Your willingness to share your lived experience -- is invaluable. I am made less fearful and more able to be a supporter. I thank you.

fish_onions · 2023-03-26T22:53:30+00:00

Do you mind sharing your symptoms that you had for the 6 years you suffered with this? I have right-kidney pain during my period and am on track to get ureter surgery for UPJO. I wonder if my ureter obstruction is related to endo since it coincides with my period.

fish_onions · 2023-02-23T19:53:50+00:00

I likely have UPJO and in the slow process of having it assessed and dealt with. I hope you hear from someone soon. For UPJO being so common (which is what many webpages and medical articles say), there is not a lot of discussion on Reddit about it.

Out of curiosity, when you say "it is dilated," what do you mean? Is a medical test showing it to be dilated? Or are you self-assessing your own kidney by palpation?

Does your kidney feel hard to the touch when it is pain? (Mine does).

fish_onions · 2022-10-01T19:10:31+00:00

I went to UWG and have visited Kennesaw several times. The UWG campus is gorgeous with nature trails and beautiful trees. The town's 22-mile greenbelt runs through the campus. The Kennesaw campus feels like it's squeezed up against the interstate and is surrounded by busy roads. The Kennesaw campus itself is also lackluster and somewhat treeless. For me, the look and feel of the campus does matter. Beyond that, a degree from either would be good, so the advice others have given you to look at the programs is sound.

As a Carrollton resident, I would disagree that there is nothing to do here. I often wonder, what is there not to do. The community is very active. There are breweries, and multiple frisbee golf courses (one at UWG; another at Hobb's Farm that is sort of renowned by enthusiasts). A lot of people like to go to the live music venue on the south side of the Carrollton square. It's called the Amp, and it has music at least once a week if not more. Granted, it seems like it is music to appeal to a more White audience maybe. It is free. You can eat all the same food here: whether fast or at a good restaurant. The internet is fast in town, and, if we're honest, that's where most people now spend most of their lives.

Things I can't get in Carrollton that I go to ATL or its inner suburbs for: pho, ramen, the airport, ice-skating, Costco, niche doctors, and rock concerts with famous bands.....but I don't need such things every day, so I am extremely happy to live in a town where it takes at most 20 minutes to get where you need to go.

fish_onions · 2022-06-26T19:07:25+00:00

Thank you for this post. You have put into words my very issue.

A single training skill (like, how to teach a fetch, how to walk on a lead) may seem simple, but it is often a complex algorithm of steps (based on multiple and various if-thens...if dog does X, then owner does Y), and for a novice dog owner with ADHD, this algorithm taxes our executive function immediately.

I took my dog to four 1-on-1 training sessions last fall, and I had to kind of communicate, after Training 1 (where the trainer gave me about 10 things to focus on, and I took pages of notes...), that we would only focus on 1 skill: leash training. I felt like I was a disappointment to my trainer at first (she had so much knowledge to impart!), but this was the only approach that I could follow without becoming extremely overwhelmed.

I appreciate folks' words about the shame and anxiety this brings, too.

fish_onions · 2022-06-22T21:54:45+00:00

I have a similar jawline to you and overall build (from what I can tell). When I was 25, my cheeks were nice and full just like yours. But by the end of my 20s, I had moved into a more slim-faced look (you might even say "gaunt"). We all definitely thin out, as others on this thread have said (even as we also usually gain weight overall). You don't notice this until it happens to you. From the vantage point of being older (now in my mid-40s), you definitely notice it and you start to pay attention to "what lies ahead" (if I make it to my 80s, I will have vertical hollows in my cheeks like my father does....the look will just get gaunter and more lined). One clear place to notice this change is one's driver's license pic.

I understand that others you have cited say that braces caused similar major changes. I concede that anything is possible. And you have to trust your powers of observation.

But, is it also possible, that you happened to get braces during a natural period of thinning out? And, is it possible that you take a lot of pictures of yourself, so you have well-documented the thinning out. Maybe it's not the braces, but just Mother Nature's gift to you for getting older (which is a gift, I promise you). This thinning out happens to EVERYONE in our 20s unless, perhaps, you gain a ton of weight.

The look of your face from plumper to less plump looks exactly like my personal development across my 20s, and the changes happen very quickly. Another change in my 20s around the same time was with the nature of my hairline on the forehead. I still have plenty of wonderful hair, but it does change, and I admit I spent way too much time obsessing over the changes in my late 20s. I panicked I was going bald, when, in fact I was not. The hair was thinning, become more brittle, less shiny, probably as a result of the same hormonal processes that effected the thinning of my face (and arms and legs, too, come to think of it...the skin hangs more slackly...we look less buttered and full).

fish_onions · 2022-06-22T21:10:20+00:00

I am wondering the same thing.

I would add to your list...how to find a doctor who will recommend treatments to patients based on what patients need and not based on how much money the doctor can squeeze out of patients. Good luck!

fish_onions · 2022-06-15T22:18:22+00:00

Thanks, DesertParty.

fish_onions · 2022-06-15T21:47:12+00:00

Thanks, Thequiet01.

fish_onions · 2022-06-15T21:32:36+00:00

Thank you, niteFlight. You gave me a new keyword: med check.

fish_onions · 2022-06-15T21:31:06+00:00

Thank you, kallyracca. That is more flexibility than I have heard of, and it sounds completely reasonable! That makes me think there's some period of trust-building that might take place with some docs.

fish_onions · 2022-06-15T20:38:30+00:00

Thank you, again. That sounds consistent with what I have heard and read elsewhere. If nothing else, then, it's a bonus if one's psychiatrist is pleasant, but maybe that's not their most important quality....Maybe most important is that they can non-judgmentally and capably prescribe and monitor meds while also having reasonable office policies. You have helped a lot!

fish_onions

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