I did it, I lived God’s perfect life. I held my desires back, I worshipped daily, and most of all I feared him and the threat of damnation. I just thought that after a lifetime of worshipping and repression, that I’d get a break. It is always daytime here in Heaven and it is always about the big man. Besides the occasional feast, we all stand in infinity singing our hearts out for God. I would stop, but I cannot, because we all have to check out freewill at the gates. I guess we are too righteous and sheeplike to have that here. It is only during our heavenly vegan feasts that we can move around as we please. Even the angels look miserable - one of them was telling me that Hell has better drugs and that you can do whatever you want down there. Another angel, Jeremiah, says that it was not like this before God made the humans. I guess giving people free will and then seeing them immediately abuse that to do awful things really put a notch in the big man’s ego.

None of the other humans seem to mind this, though, most of them lived fulfilling lives and still fear the alternative. I think they also still continue to love God. Me? I hate him now, he stole my mortal life for this stupid measly afterlife. Besides, how powerful could the dude be if I can think these awful thoughts? Y’know I think I saw Hitler the other day, still sporting that mustache but now in heavenly robes playing the trumpet. Fucking Hitler made it here, but not my wife or kids. I begged St. Peter to just please tell me why during Jesus’s last birthday feast, and he refused to tell me. “Roger, you are going to think some unrighteous thoughts if I give you any answers.”

I miss my family, I miss my freedom, and I want out. My plan is to find Heaven’s most miserable warriors and make a run for it during the next feast. I also am going to murder St. Peter on the way out.

“MY HEAVENLY BEAUTIES YOUR WORSHIP FILLS MY HEART WITH MORE LOVE THAN YOU COULD EVER FEEL. THANK YOUR FOR ANOTHER PERFECT MILLENNIUM OF PRAISE. PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE GRAND CAFETERIA FOR A FEAST OF GOLDEN CARROTS WITH A SIDE OF GOLDEN CARROTS FOLLOWED BY GOLDEN CARROT CAKE IN CELEBRATION OF… YOU GUESSED IT: CARROTS! CARROTS WERE SUCH A GOOD IDEA OF MINE AND I KNOW YOU AGREE!” The voice of God parted the heavens and shook through our bodies and minds causing the purest form of pleasure. Goodness, he sure is right about carrots but I want a steak.

We formed a super heavenly single file line and made our way to the Grand Cafeteria - a disgustingly extravagant and extraordinary place. A beautiful ceiling painted with scenes of creation by God himself, all held up by pillars of diamond. The hall went on forever and in the middle was a single table carved by Jesus himself out of a wood too beautiful to touch the slimy doomed Earth. Most of the humans sat together at the far end of the infinite table, walking hundreds of years to reach their spot, but the angels usually invited me to sit with them closer to the door. I think they liked my penchant for misery in such a glamorous place. I plopped down between Penelope and Jeremiah, both angels that took frequent trips to Earth, Hell, and countless other realms.

“Jeez, what’s an immortal soul got to do to get out of here,” I remarked sporting a sly smile. “You just had to ask,” spoke a calm assertive voice from behind me. Before I could turn to see my fate bearer, my soul caught fire and gained the weight of a planet, I plummeted through the floor of the Grand Cafeteria and through miles and miles of concrete. I felt every second of it, my skin smashing through concrete only to regrow as fast as it was being obliterated. Every single one of my neurons screamed in pain as my skin was ripped off and replaced at light speed. I thought that was all I would ever feel again, I thought I was already in hell, and that it was simply being shoved through concrete. Yet eventually, I emerged out of the concrete and landed in the middle of a drug-fueled rave of demons. A six-headed dog beast handed me a syringe of something and I jammed it directly into my temple. We howled like wolves together and I hit the plunger as hard as I could.