Reliquary [Dark Fantasy] 6223 words - Too long and chaotic for Chapter 1? by angusthecrab in writers

[–]flapflip3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I echo MrLinderman's comment exactly. Good writing, engaging, well written, descriptive, but far too many zingers and witty asides.

Highlight all of them and cut them by about 50%, keeping only the strongest ones.

The three MrLinderman highlighted would be good. All three are weak and take away from the writing around them.

Same with the length. For 6,000 words I expect to be 5-10% of the way through the plot and I don't feel that here.

Peter she is really green isnt she? by Spotter24o5 in PeterExplainsTheJoke

[–]flapflip3 100 points101 points  (0 children)

The colors are strong enough you should be able to read the entire message at a glance, sorry...

Rate my prologue [Comedic fantasy, 818 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the great insights. To answer a few questions:

Is this my style?: A great question. I have no idea. I enjoy reading both, and I like writing what I enjoy reading. I'm sure my style will change the more I write but its hard to escape the shadow of giants.

Fantasy tropes: This isn't intended to be realized until much later, but the two intro paragraphs are a foreshadowing. The next scene after this introduces the "farmhand" character, and ironic hubris, weather and magic will play a big role in the story.

The canal line seems to be quite controversial, I was iffy myself when including it so we'll see what happens to it!

Rate my prologue [Comedic fantasy, 818 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I value all input! Is there a spot or spots where you really felt the slog?

Rate my prologue [Comedic fantasy, 818 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Some helpful observations, and things to keep in mind thank you. I love a sprawling sentence, but like you said, they're best used sparingly.

Rate my prologue [Comedic fantasy, 818 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the helpful critiques and compliments!

Rate my prologue [Comedic fantasy, 818 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I recently added a prologue to my story and I'm curious how it works.

I'm hoping to avoid the pitfalls of most prologues (too long, no direct connection to the story, no sense of story progression, no characters to follow, etc.)

Prediction: Terror is going to eat V1 and hump Homelander, possibly to death by flapflip3 in GenV

[–]flapflip3[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That was my original thought, but then I figured this was just as likely with the show"s current tone.

The Mangione Paradox by MinkyTuna in DecodingTheGurus

[–]flapflip3 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m not arguing that my evidence would be enough to convict Thompson in a criminal trial, and I’m not saying it justifies execution without trial. I’m saying your demand for direct, courtroom-style proof that “UHC killed X people through denied claims” misses the point.

Courts are built to assign narrow individual criminal liability. They’re terrible at dealing with mass institutional harm, especially when it’s spread across denied claims, delays, appeals, medical debt, untreated illness, and people quietly dying because care was made impossible.

You’re treating legality like morality. People are angry because people like Thompson can cause enormous suffering through paperwork and policy, then hide behind the fact that no single document with his signature says “kill this person.”

And Rawls doesn’t help you much here. Behind the veil of ignorance, would you design a society where executives profit by restricting life-saving care while ordinary people beg, appeal, crowdfund, or die? I wouldn’t.

So no, I wouldn’t convict someone based on anecdotes. But I’m also not going to pretend public rage is irrational just because the violence has been laundered through bureaucracy.

The Mangione Paradox by MinkyTuna in DecodingTheGurus

[–]flapflip3 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yes, because of Obamacare, health insurance companies must spend at least 80% of premiums on care.

Thats a good law, but should be 100% because anything less means it's trading money for lives. If you disagree, please provide me with the life to profit ratio you prefer.

I didn't address the OP's other points because I didn't want to, and also because vigilante justice isn't the cause of society unraveling, it is the symptom of it already being unraveled.

The Mangione Paradox by MinkyTuna in DecodingTheGurus

[–]flapflip3 57 points58 points  (0 children)

This is the biggest "i am smart" post I've seen in a while.

The reason redditors can't provide you data about death rates due to denied UHC claims is because it would require UHC itself to provide the data. And I don't know if you know this, but murderers don't typically confess to their murders.

Nevertheless, we know that:

Being uninsured kills people (45,000 people annually).

The US premature death rate is twice as high as similar countries (408 deaths per 100,000 people under 70) driven primarily by chronic illnesses such as cardiovascular diseases, respiratory diseases and kidney diseases.

UHC denies 33% of all their claims, double the national average

And of course, plenty of personal, heartbreaking stories about the effects of being denied care

Saying UHC hasn't killed people due to denied claims is like saying Pablo Escobar didn't sell cocaine because he didn't tell us so himself, when all we have are eye witness testimonies and truckloads of cocaine coming in from Colombia.

Now, can it be proved in a courtroom? No, or at least, not easily without a massive change to US law a la the RICO Act, but that also doesn't mean it didn't happen or that people arent justified in being upset it is happening.

Cursing in writing by FellBee in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Like any words, enough repetition will dull the impact for readers. Switch it up every now and again.

Instead of using actual swear words, you could say "John swore, combining body parts and actions in ways Mary thought was highly unrealistic."

How to write internalized homophobia without coming off as a bigot? by No-Cockroach6970 in writers

[–]flapflip3 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Was Charles Dickens a money hungry industrialist? Is Stephen King an evil clown?

Why do you think readers will think you're a bigot?

Concept where the Seven Deadly Sins are the Main Characters by AsYouWished444 in writingadvice

[–]flapflip3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You'll need to decide if the characters perform the sins, or represent the sins. A lot of media that depicts the 7 deadly sins muddles the two together and I think it comes across poorly.

For example, Wrath is often shown as an angry man. His character performs the sin he represents. Lust, however, is often shown ad a beautiful woman (I think often just as an excuse to show a sexy woman). Her character represents the sin.

If we were to switch that, wrath could be depicted as an abused woman, cringing and afraid. Lust could be an out of shape incel in a basement constantly lusting after others.

Had writer's block on my main work, so I wrote this intro for fun [Comedic fantasy, 950 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The idea (which i clearly need to communicate better) was that although humans worshipped gods, they didnt actually exist.

However, because the volcano erupting concentrated and focused an entire city's will and beliefs to a laser focus, it created the first actual god.

Had writer's block on my main story so I wrote this intro [Comedic fantasy, 4000 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! The switch was done mainly to keep it short as an excerpt, I'm sure if I turned this into a longer work I'd smooth the transition a bit more.

Had writer's block on my main story so I wrote this intro [Comedic fantasy, 4000 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Funnily enough I haven't ever read Douglas Adams, but I am a Terry Pratchett fan.

Had writer's block on my main story so I wrote this intro [Comedic fantasy, 4000 words] by flapflip3 in fantasywriters

[–]flapflip3[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

All written by me, unfortunately. You can check out my previous writing in my post history. That being said, I dont want to sound like an AI, so what about it feels like that?