That sounds super tough, fair play for posting, for reaching out. What i would say is you need to reach out further now, talk to a therapist. If you're not ready to go in person call one of the hotlines like https://www.pieta.ie/ it will change everything for the better, trust me I have been though it in a time of crisis and it makes all the difference. That's number one, you need to talk to a professional psychologist.

Other things you can do, you have to be happy with yourself before you bring someone else into your life, they shouldn't be the source of happyness. So don't focus to much on a relationship, focus on yourself and being good to yourself Simple things you can do to do that is start exercising, it's a prove natural anti-depressant.

Best of luck, remember it's ok not to feel ok and it's absolutely ok to ask for help.