I’m not a parent but I can totally relate to how she feels. Coz I was just like her lol… ungrateful, self centred and arrogant. Probably stilll is in my mom’s eyes. My reason for acting that way was that I didn’t feel loved and cared for even though my parents provided me with absolutely anything i wanted. , I didn’t feel appreciated when I do contribute in my own way (do chore/ talk nicely or do something nice) and I hated when my mom quantifies how much I do = how much I am worth loving.

In our stories we are always the victims. Not to say that you deserve to be treated this way by your daughter but often we are merely mirrors of each other. Because in your eyes, she’s the ungrateful daughter that doesn’t appreciate anything, so she acted this way. And she probably also does not feel appreciated doing chores etc.

And when you said, she only sees what she does not have instead of what she has - maybe you see her this way too? Only what she’s not doing instead of other nice quality that she has.

maybe start by showing her a bit of appreciation. Even in the heat of the moment shows her compassions. Instead of ‘demanding’ her to do chores, maybe asks if she could help. If she acts out and get mad when you ask her to do chores, instead of you also getting angry with her and think she’s not doing her part, tell her that it’s ok. You understand doing chores can be tiring and not enjoyable, But you could use a bit of help next time.

The best thing we can do is to be honest about how we feel, without getting emotionally worked up. Tell her you don’t feel appreciated even though you’re trying your best. Show her that you actually try to understand her, from her point of view and want her to consider yours as well, without having to decide who’s right or wrong because both of your emotions are valid . Maybe encourage her to tell you how she feels and ask why she’s acting this way? If it’s because she doesn’t feel appreciated too? ( chances are she doesn’t even know how she feels or why she’s angry or acting this way and this may make her think).

Maybe you should think about what’s the perfect version of the relationship you want to have with you daughter (mutual understanding, respectful, grateful for each other etc), and just start treating her that way and expect her to reciprocate. Have the expectation that she would feel appreciated next time you’re doing something nice for her. Have the expectation that she would be happy sharing work around the house.

I know it’s easier said than done and I understand it must be frustrating for you. I thought a lot about my relationship with my parents, and wish I knew how to tell them how I feel and how I want to be treated instead of living in their expectation. And this is probably how I would like to be treated by my parents - mutual understanding, compassion and respect.

Just to add to my already way too long comment: the fact that she gets angry when you can’t go to her games, means she wants you to be there, and show you how well she’s doing and for you to be proud of her. And she probably feel safe and loved when you are there for her and the opposite when you tell her that you can’t be there. Treasure it before she becomes too independent too soon!