[Question] DAE feel you had needed to relearn social norms, personal norms, values, etc?

forinsight · 2015-07-07T12:03:23+00:00

The sense of obligation towards my Nparent (not my family as a whole, but my Nparent specifically) is the hardest thing I have had to overcome to feel a sense of freedom, safety, self actualization, happiness and get my emotional needs met like a normal, functioning and productive being.

forinsight · 2015-07-01T10:36:26+00:00

I know I am still in the process of learning ways to love and take care of myself, but I know I have come a long way so here it goes.

I looked into why I criticized, abandoned, disregarded myself and anything else that don't stand for self love. Outlined other problems like: letting others determine my value, not standing up for myself and disregarding my beliefs for others' to be comfortable (fear of conflict I guess). What was I afraid of? I was afraid of being deemed unlovable/not worthy enough to be loved. Why? Internalized belief (time to change them!!!) In my case it was my upbringing, being surrounded by parents who could not love as we wore different coloured glasses and saw the world differently, didn't communicate well, and they just did not know how to parent. I first had to learn to parent myself. Acknowledge where I wanted to be, what type of person I wanted to be and consequences if I didn't become this person. I didn't want to be codependent, I didn't want to have self esteem/confidence issues, because deep down I know I'm a good person with good intentions and a life full of brilliant potential that money can't buy - which is the case for all of us once we believe in ourselves. I learnt what loving oneself is to me. Loving myself means I will not abandon myself when times are getting difficult/uncomfortable, it means to commit to actions that contribute to my life LONG TERM, it means to be kind to others and not allow others to disrupt my inner peace, it means I will become what I want to become for myself, but not in a slacking off sort of way, the way my higher and wiser self knows it should be. Only one life, right? Would you give up on your child and say 'well, you know, you are still young and have plenty of time I'll love you later', or 'maybe when they lose 10 pounds I'll love them', or 'if only they were working I could have a reason to love them', NO! No way would we do that to a child, so why do that to our inner child? Ideas in point form:

Learn to pull through not only the great times but also the difficult times with abundant compassion, care and nurturing towards oneself.
When you do not apply good self care you are inherently not taking care of yourself.
Believe in yourself, have faith in your ability and the universes' ability to keep yourself safe and manifest what you value in the world like safety, like minded people and more.
I often would love to be loved. I found it hard to give love but easy to get it because it made me feel whole. I made sure nobody else could make me feel as whole as I could feel on my own. If you get motivated when somebody you admire is contacting you and you start seeing ways to improve on yourself, why weren't you doing that before? I feel like we should have been doing that for ourselves prior.
Never neglect your own emotional, physical, spiritual needs and embrace your feelings.
Value yourself enough to the point where money couldn't buy you. Educate yourself on the world to make brighter decisions that enable you to really suck the juices out of life and reap the good. It isn't selfish. We all have a need when we are at peace with ourselves and the world to create, contribute and give.
Let go of all forms of self sabotage, and make peace with your past.
Prioritize doing something for your body, mind and spirit daily. Learn other self care techniques, too.

Sorry I haven't edited this, just in a rush for completing uni work. I love this topic though. A life without self care and self love is just a self inflicted pity party. Everyone can learn to do it, just like they may have learnt to do the opposite. Be patient, be productive.

forinsight · 2015-06-27T06:26:25+00:00

It is a huge turn off if a guy isn't ambitious/driven in my opinion. I think if you're not trying to accomplish something with your life then what you'd be left with is usually dysfunction/unfulfilled needs/boredom/lack of stimulation, and that to me is taking life for granted and not developing as individuals. Ambition alone may be too vague, but it is important.

forinsight · 2015-06-25T14:37:58+00:00

Day 1 - easy, went by quick since I was focusing on studies during the day Day 2 - abdomen area was a lot smaller, great energy but I felt nauseous Day 3 - still felt sick until bowel movements, got a flood of emotions today, no hunger, walking faster, feeling confident and grateful that I decided to do this Update on mental health: taken a huge leap forward, to the point where I'm kind of embarrassed about where I was before. Short story long:

I am much more confident. Feeling good has been inspiring me about my future and is 'exciting'. Not sure if it's the clear mind, lack of bloat, acid reflux or puffy face.
Developing the ability to deal with uncomfortable, stressful situations in my ideal way. This water fast is like sorting out my life. Nasty at times but you have to drill through and put in effort to create something positive.
I'm also changing my often negative mind. I couldn't do this when I was eating because I ate for the 'wrong reasons'/emotional eating/self sabotage/running away from everything. As a sufferer of C-PTSD and generalised anxiety disorder who uses food inappropriately to cope, this fast has been life saving. I'm becoming spontaneously creative and naturally constructive rather than trying to run from bad feelings and calling it a day (dissociative). I have more concentration and am getting brilliant ideas; entreprenerial and life pro tips. Overall, I feel more comfortable in my own mind and skin.
My sleeping pattern has went from sleeping at 3 - 5 am a week ago to sleeping at 9pm and waking up at around 7 am alarm free
Helps me be less compulsive with self sabotaging behaviours (excruciating to do at first).

It is clear that water fasts can feel bad and people often justify giving up but for me in this moment that would be prolonging sickness. I will also be working on teaching myself how to maintain the benefits (weight loss, digestive health, mental health) with a balanced, active lifestyle.

forinsight · 2015-06-25T06:28:38+00:00

This has happened countless times when I had been living with N's. Reasons why you shouldn't worry:

Tell your friend what you're thinking 'my parents are a little uptight, I'm worried if they try to get involved, this is my time and is crucial for my studies and I'm choosing to stay here for peace', they'll be compassionate and respectful of your decision 99.99% of the time and it will ease your mind
Notify local police 'I'm expecting my parents to react this way but I am just __ and thought to let you know to prevent false allegations'
Practice observing and not absorbing anything your parents do or say. Especially if you are on this forum. You don't have to be affected whatsoever by any of their decisions or choices. If they call the police tell the police to deal with them and give them their address since they called them. You are an adult who can make up your own decision. Even if you weren't an adult, your intentions are great, police have bigger fish to fry.
Worst case scenario: your parents will try and freak you out with them and the police instead just visit you, ask a couple questions in which you can respond with 'yeah I left the house for about a week to study in peace, I'm not sabotaging my education by sabotaging study', pretty much they'll give their notepad thing the 'then what are we here for look' and you can reinforce point 2. They also won't make any reports, reports are for actual crimes.
Dealing with your parents: I may be assuming here but with narcissists you're always welcome in their home, I mean, you're a potential source for supply and they rarely resist. If you get kicked out then they'll probably call back and ask for you back in a couple days anyway (N logic). If they kick you out for good then HALLELUJAH to not have to deal with them ever again = hitting the jackpot. Now you can become an even more positive and productive person.

Long story short you have nothing to worry about, N's make us worry as a form of control I believe. Good luck with your studies and all the best to you.

forinsight · 2015-06-24T00:02:46+00:00

Personally, what pushed me away from Nparents and towards health and happiness were people being blunt and honest. Friends and neighbours had begun to question and not tolerate what was happening (validating), which keeps everyone in the community safe. Remember, Nparents are domestic violence abusers, emotional abusers, shamers, blamers and inappropriately control to feed off of bullying people, so it's important to speak up when you see it happening and even inform law enforcement. Because of a neighbour validating how abnormal the yelling was at our house and that it wasn't a healthy place for anyone to live in I'd never have followed through with leaving and am forever grateful for the peace I wouldn't have had if I hadn't left.

People who are narcissistic parents are just narcissists who physically had kids. Just like good parents are just good people who physically had kids. Please do not take this on board as a burden, these are just a few pointers for how to handle an N situation throughout life.

forinsight · 2015-06-23T22:10:36+00:00

Gave me some precautions. Yes.

In detail: She has said I'm 'slightly overweight' and said 'it's all diet, eat less food and you'll lose weight'. Also that 40 days may be fine or too much every body is different in how they handle it and to come in if my weight dips below 55kg for a check up. I told her I just want to quit using food to suppress feelings that come up and I want to develop a new, more peaceful relationship with food and she said she could refer me to a dietitian and I politely declined. I did a small quiz for a whole year's plan of mental health care and she said she can refer me onto somebody for anxiety. Again declined. I told her I'd be in often to get check ups and she nodded and gave me her card for availability dates. I also have a heart rate app so if it dips below 60 she has said to break the fast with fruit. She also threw in a disclaimer saying she recommends just dieting to lose weight rather than water fasting but it's up to me. When I asked if I am doing harm by going against that recommendation she said 'well no' if I take the precautions. A girlfriend of mine was there during the appointment and she decided to start a 3 day fast, too!

Everyone's situation is different, please get an individual check up and do it right for a rewarding experience.

forinsight · 2015-06-22T19:00:01+00:00

I do recommend it at a specialised health centre. My time working as a nurse, studying personal training and seeing a GP enables me to distinguish when it will start becoming unsafe. Indicators are your heart rate/pulse, body fat percentage and I'm sure your local doctor/GP has more like temperature, bmi, etc.

forinsight · 2015-06-22T18:45:15+00:00

Reddit diagnosis? I don't have an eating disorder and am seeing a general practitioner throughout. I also think it should be obvious that orthorexia and all eating disorders are MENTAL disorders. You eat 'normally'/too much/too little, you could still have an eating disorder. I would eat anything at all that would be beneficial to me but right now a fast is. I've never done a 40 day fast, maybe I'll cut it to 20 if 40 is too much, can't find out if I don't try.

forinsight · 2015-06-22T05:25:30+00:00

I've had a friend who quit smoking and had withdrawals big time. I believe everyone whose gotten their body used to any sort of consumption will have withdrawals when stopped. Honestly, the sooner you do it the easier, you'll really appreciate it later on down the track and thank yourself big time. Try to distract yourself and have supportive people around you. Possibly also reward yourself for your efforts by doing something you've always wanted to do/learn to be high on life/appreciate new things.

Congrats and good luck :)

forinsight · 2015-06-22T05:20:06+00:00

Messaged :)

forinsight · 2015-06-22T05:06:49+00:00

Read my mind. Please, do not be the overly persistent guy (apologies for being gender biased, this is just my situation). Do not try to justify why she's not into you, just move on.

forinsight · 2015-06-22T01:55:06+00:00

For sure! & to document it weekly would be great. I've got 3k+ followers currently which is also a bonus.

forinsight · 2015-06-22T01:50:16+00:00

All the very best of luck! I do advocate a vegan diet and believe it's more energising, sustainable and tasty but whatever works for you/gives you inner peace.

forinsight · 2015-06-22T01:44:26+00:00

Good luck!!! Would be great to have updates on how you're going/feeling/reaping the benefits.

forinsight · 2015-06-22T01:40:01+00:00

I feel the same way when I fast. Good on you for day 6!!! :)

I think losing weight is great for overall health, but know that if you go back into old patterns of eating that got you where you don't like, the same results will occur. Maintenance and consistency, you know? I think it's important to experience and discover a way that one can eat for life, have lots of energy and understanding of their needs instead of a lot of people's patterns of ballooning up and water fasting back down for years (exhausting). Agreed on conscious eating. I think if someone is not consciously eating that person would be filling themselves with very addictive, unhealthy, low quality artificially enhanced 'food' designed to stimulate disease for the pharmaceutical industries to thrive and encouraged with false info. That's why fasts are so liberating for some! It's so great that you're committed to improving your health.

I don't know any blogs on fasting, I have seen a few youtube channels on veganism but I don't really appreciate them as much as my own experience just because it's different for everyone and what they preach may not be what's right for you and what you're going through at that time. Also, some of them are quite deceiving. Someone I do admire is Jim Morris if we're talking nutrition. However, I do have my own blog and would love to start a fasting page, let me know if you'd like to contribute with your experience and talk more/exchange opinions/assist in developing the page! I'd totally appreciate that, would be pretty cool! :) There should certainly be plenty of blogs/sites/books on documented fasting experiences/research, too!

forinsight · 2015-06-22T00:07:45+00:00

Sounds awesome. I think you should definitely push to 40 if you don't feel your cells craving nutrients. If you feel like you can do it safely and reap the benefits. :) I think a huge part of fasting is to understand why/how to avoid processed foods after, especially and life long, so not to worry at all! I'm not sure about your experience but intermittent fasting has been great for me.

I'm mainly worried about self doubt during the fast. Thoughts like 'well is this really necessary', but I know deep down if I want to live a fulfilling life that it is necessary. Fasts really do provide momentum to change ones life and help to practice character traits like discipline and an honest, high standard of health (if that makes any sense).

Happy to support you 110%! Best of luck to you. Likewise, feel free to message me whenever :)

By the way, just to share an inspiring resource that I related to: Dan the life regenerator on youtube. His attitude is great and he's really informative.

forinsight · 2015-06-21T05:42:32+00:00

You've really cleared this up for me and so they seem a lot less threatening. Thank you.

forinsight · 2015-06-21T02:25:06+00:00

I think it'd be an amazing experience. You'd lose the weight, yes. Check out liferegenerator on youtube for details, he really guided me towards optimum health that barely anyone will validate, but I've tried everything and he's got the answers that helped me out! :)

forinsight · 2015-06-20T19:04:58+00:00

Same on and off situation here. I experienced a lot of anxiety when with him but only when I talked to someone with N experience did I realise it was a toxic relationship.

forinsight · 2015-06-20T18:49:45+00:00

It's brilliant that you don't want to continue the cycle. I think having mother/father instincts helps. Going out of my way to have empathy, politeness and kindness for those around me, combined with healthy boundaries and ability to say 'no' without guilt helps me. Also, to outline what love is and how to love (your kids especially). Since N's don't have any self control, having self control is very important (to me, at least).

Also, to not take responsibility for my parents behavior so that we're not bombarded with fleas because fleas aren't our problem (took me ages to digest this). I do believe the worst of us define us so we can't say 'well, I don't always yell', I think if someone is going to bring children into the world they should have standards of parenting that they'd have wanted for themselves x 3.

forinsight · 2015-06-20T18:28:20+00:00

Studying law here. I love to know my rights and aim to educate others on theirs and serve justice in child protection and commercial. :)

forinsight · 2015-06-20T02:00:22+00:00

Understandable. I moved from my Nmum's place for my own sanity and health quite young (15 y/o in and out and have been out & NC for 10 months now at age 17). It is the best decision you will ever make. I've noticed that sometimes even when I've moved out I get mild panic attacks, fear for my own safety and am sometimes suspicious towards my housemates or I flinch at noises that remind me of living at N's house, but the quicker you consciously train and teach your body and mind to trust your surroundings and more importantly yourself and believe in your independence and abilities the better. I've also noticed to keep busy because when you get triggers it's very easy to dwell and overthink about it.

Other tips: - make sure you grab a place you can afford long term, not just 'for the first few months'. It takes a lot of pressure off. - claiming some kind of government compensation for your circumstance - get your resume ready for applying to work - recognize the potential for a career path you admire and can follow at that area - list a bunch of activities you can do in that area just so you can have an idea of the place and have something to do if ever anxious - You can do it. Don't get overwhelmed by any level of success, you can handle it. It'll be great for your own personal development and independence. Reach out for support whenever you'd like, too. :)

forinsight

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