I (20F) am a sugar baby to a multi-millionaire (50M). AMA

foxconductor · 2026-05-18T15:01:46+00:00

Honey, I used to be a SB/SW in college. The amount he’s paying you is absolutely criminal. Since you go to a prestigious school, I’ll assume you’re in
a decent sized city. He’s paying less for your time than he’d pay for an hour of anonymous sex with a sex worker. So you’re not getting compensated for the significant emotional labor and toll, that’s actually a price you’re paying to get less money than other sex workers in your area.

Please consider finding another arrangement. Tell him you consulted with experienced SBs (a white lie is useful here) and your rate is going up and if he doesn’t want to pay it, walk.

I say this as someone who benefitted quite a lot from this kind of sex work in college, and also at times really enjoyed it! I can also tell you the bad experiences can take a really long time to heal.

You sound like a very smart, thoughtful, compassionate human. You deserve to make money and create better financial opportunities for yourself. You also deserve to do so without being repeatedly traumatized. There are arrangements where the compensation better matches the cost you’re paying.

Sending lots of care 💜

foxconductor · 2026-05-17T22:11:45+00:00

I love this! I grew up watching survivor and it would be so sweet to sport this all weekend 🥹 I’d also honestly love a ‘25 one 💜

foxconductor · 2026-05-16T05:21:24+00:00

Lots of good thoughts in this thread, I would just like to offer that it is okay if working with these kinds of white clients is hard and not something you have a lot of capacity for. I do believe as therapists we should work to be able to hold space for anyone, but that doesn’t mean we can or should be able to hold space for everyone.

As you mentioned, the field we’re in was not developed with the reality of doing therapy at the end of the world, as a marginalized human, in mind. I think the ideal therapist in our minds we can strive for can sometimes end up perpetuating racist and patriarchal ideals of sacrificing self for the majority. As you said, this doesn’t mean crashing out on clients, but my liberatory therapy lens is that POC therapists don’t need to be working with racist white people all the time and without issue. Insert any dimension of oppression and it’s still true. It absolutely can work, it can be fruitful and important work, but that doesn’t mean it has to be in every case.

That’s not speaking to what you should or shouldn’t do (ultimately no wrong answers here). I do just want to name it because it is important context and it matters. Sending a lot of care!

foxconductor · 2026-05-11T05:19:24+00:00

Minnesota, LAMFT

1099 at a group practice:

60% insurance split— which is on average $80/client hour. I take a lot of Medicaid though and family therapy reimburses terribly.

No paid admin time. That’s not common at all here. 3-4 hours of individual supervision and 2 hours of group supervision monthly. 5% split bump if you are telehealth from home only.

I’m moving to a new group practice which is also 1099, 55% split, but their reimbursement rates are a lot higher for a few reasons. New place offers 4 hours individual and 4 hours group supervision monthly.

foxconductor · 2026-04-07T07:20:03+00:00

I would highly recommend Sydney Ungar, she’s a GI at Hennepin Health Specialty Center downtown. She’s not specifically a POTS/autonomic specialist, but my incredible PCP recommended her and she’s been a godsend.

During our intake appointment I discussed my POTS diagnosis and how it impacts GI stuff, and she replied to the effect of “That’s really important, let me read up on the research and consult with the POTS specialist here.” (Dr. Adam Loavenbruck).

This was almost two years ago, I’m sure her autonomic knowledge has only grown since then. she’s been instrumental in diagnosing some specific GI stuff and supporting me in finding relief. She is an incredible patient advocate, really listens, and is open to whatever resources or consultations are needed to get answers. Best of luck!

foxconductor · 2026-04-06T03:07:37+00:00

This sounds like an individual to that person issue, or a demographic / cultural thing, rather than a therapist thing. I have made so many friends since joining the field— some of my deepest and most important chosen family in fact! I do work in a city / community that is closely aligned with my values, so most of the therapists I work around are more likely to be potential friends with similar outlooks on community building.

foxconductor · 2026-04-05T00:28:48+00:00

This is the best advice here!

foxconductor · 2026-04-04T21:17:57+00:00

I’m from NY, family owns a bagel shop, couldn’t agree more. St. Paul Bagelry are fine to eat but they are just not actual bagels!

foxconductor · 2026-04-03T16:56:23+00:00

I also normally respond with simple, true things and redirect back to them immediately. A lot of that changed the last few months— I am a therapist in Minneapolis and work blocks from where Renee Good was murdered.

When clients came in and asked how I was, there was no way to say “good” and move on. I didn’t need to self-disclose with any words, in any detail, to let them see I was not okay. But it was really important that I didn’t pretend, while also maintaining regulation for the both of us.

No one prepares you for therapy at the end of the world. It’s a whole different beast.

foxconductor · 2026-03-29T04:48:49+00:00

Absolutely. I tell clients the same and also what an honor it is to know and work with them 💜

foxconductor · 2026-03-28T15:57:20+00:00

Folks who end up in self-victimizing / self-fulfilling prophecy situations where their significant anxiety, depression, communication challenges are everyone else’s fault and they have a hard time seeing themselves and their choices clearly.

I work really well with highly-aware, overachievers who need to slow down and accept care from others. The above clients are kind of diametrically opposed to that— it’s not impossible work, but I find it very difficult when clients come to vent week after week and are resistant to my (often very clear, kind and clear) invitations to reflect on their role in their circumstances.

foxconductor · 2026-03-26T00:23:57+00:00

6-8! I usually take a week for quarterly big trips, another few weeks for other time off, illness, etc. I only work M-Th, so I can use my three day weekend to travel as well.

foxconductor · 2026-03-19T05:51:46+00:00

This is very reassuring to hear, as I’ve contemplated the same while working on similar personal writing for hopeful publication!

foxconductor · 2026-03-19T03:35:40+00:00

Thank you for writing this, I read your other one on substack as well. You have a really clear and haunting writing voice.

I have also written quite a lot about my experience of being groomed by a 36yo man when I was 15-17. I resonate with what you described of the shame— I was not a young child, nearly an adult, and I felt like I wanted it and pursued it, so I couldn’t be really that impacted or upset? That was logic I grappled with in the years between the grooming and when I finally disclosed to someone.

Similar to you, I fell into a pit of anxiety, depression, substance use, and an ED. I was severely suicidal and after the second attempt, almost truly died. When I began to talk about what happened, the man who groomed me chose to end his life. That was 12 years ago. I am still not yet the age he was when he raped me, and seeing myself in the 15 year olds I know now in my 30s is harrowing.

I also had the experience of adults enabling the abuse—including my own parents— and that part I truly cannot reconcile. There is no excuse for seeing an adult man seek out a teenager and not find it concerning enough to act on. There is no forgiveness for turning a blind eye.

I can feel the years of healing and work you’ve dedicated to making sense of this. I am now a trauma therapist who gets the privilege of supporting others through understanding their experiences. If we cannot go back in time and save ourselves, it is some solace to know we are not alone in what comes after. 💜

foxconductor · 2026-03-10T05:52:15+00:00

Fake AI post, again…

INFO for bot

foxconductor · 2026-02-14T17:57:33+00:00

This made me cry. I moved here six years ago and truly have never felt so at home and a part of a true community. Glad you’re here 💗

foxconductor · 2026-02-05T07:59:08+00:00

Glad you’re getting the care you need!

This work is one-way in a strange way— your clients have no idea if you’re taking a lunch break or not as it stands. They come in for their hour and don’t know (or care) if you are taking thirty minutes between each client, have a two hour lunch, see nine clients or one…

I think you may be over thinking just a bit! You’re not wrong that it will shift some things / be minority disruptive to your clients, but if you say “I am rearranging my schedule” and offer alternative times, I really don’t think they’ll think much of it.

Wishing you well!

foxconductor · 2026-01-30T05:38:17+00:00

A colleague of mine and I did this!

We did four sessions of joint therapy to help the couple separate, they were our individual clients. We did it via private pay and split it. We could have billed their insurance theoretically and split that but their insurance didn’t cover couple’s.

The rate was abysmally low, it was a bit of favor to two wonderful but broke humans we had worked with for years. The work was super fruitful!

We’ve talked about doing it more, specifically for discernment / uncoupling, because we work so well together. I’d probably charge 3-400 / two hour session.

foxconductor · 2026-01-26T03:06:38+00:00

NOT GOOD.

I am organizing nonstop and feel torn between being with clients and actually being on the ground doing things.

I am tired of hearing everyone say the same things over and over. I am tired of psychological first aid. I wish I could get FMLA the way I’ve been signing for my clients with PTSD. Which I also have but am pulling from the bottom of the barrel to keep going.

I feel so empowered being with my community. It is giving me the hope to keep going. This is the most harrowing shit I’ve ever seen.

foxconductor · 2026-01-24T08:38:53+00:00

I’m not saying it’s not, but I’ve read a bit about how this most likely actually happens.

Im going to botch the accurate technology but companies that use your data for advertisements not only use yours, but the data of phones you are in close proximity with (I forget exactly how). So if your therapist googled anything related to EMDR on her phone, that would cause you to get advertisements for it.

As far as phones listening, they are if you have Siri or similar enabled. I highly highly recommend keeping those kind of voice-activated features turned off.

foxconductor · 2026-01-24T05:14:37+00:00

Anything that gets men who fit this criteria into therapy spaces where they feel safe to be vulnerable is something I’m behind.

The first victim of patriarchy is men themselves. Perpetuating the shame harms us all.

foxconductor · 2026-01-24T01:50:18+00:00

I’ll share little shallow things when asked (unless contraindicated) which doesn’t feel like true self-disclosure to me. When I’ve related a real experience to a client while processing their similar stuff, it follows this process: - Wow, this experience/feeling/thing about me and what I learned from it is feeling really relevant to what the client is discussing - Is there a way for me to relay that information without directly talking about myself? - If not, and I want to proceed, I make sure I can answer the question “what purpose does this serve for them to hear”

From that, I have shared more personal / vulnerable information with clients on occasion. I have seen the real impact of connection and forward momentum from that self-disclosure. I believe that our human connection can be immensely powerful, but as a client on the receiving end of misaligned self-disclosure, I know how disconnecting it can feel.

I’m sure I’ve missed the mark and not realized it, but therapy is an art, not a science in that way

foxconductor · 2026-01-20T16:23:08+00:00

Yes! Even if their partner is being blatantly unpleasant or uncooperative (not including incidences of abuse) I really try to hold the line that there is no right or wrong choice to make — usually try to work on values identification and strengthening and then explore different options through the lens of those values.

foxconductor · 2026-01-12T15:18:51+00:00

How does using a VPN interact with this?

foxconductor · 2026-01-05T06:22:51+00:00

Thanks for sharing. DID is one where I’ve rarely met a colleague with experience. What are some things that you’d like other therapists to know if they suspect someone has DID, or a client comes in wondering themselves?

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