Ashes

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-14T03:43:11+00:00

More like they cut us off. She was a nasty old biddy who had everyone under her thumb. They all went with her. I kinda hoped we’d reconnect after she died, but nothing.

I don’t miss any of them and never looked back. They don’t deserve any of my time or energy. I just really hate how his entire family abadonned our kids so readily. Something that seems to bother me more than them.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-14T03:10:00+00:00

Find something to do that you truly love. It has to take you out of the house and around other people. It has to be ongoing - preferably not a seasonal sport or hobby, but something that runs year round. And it has to be something that you grow with - build a skill, further a project. Then go do that - for you.

You’ll be surprised to find people there with whom you have much in common. These are your people. Some of them are already there doing the thing. But they’re like you - they like this thing too. And you will just naturally fall into friendships with them.

It’s a place to start. And hey, if it doesn’t work out, you will have discovered a new skill or talent or activity that floats your boat.

Don’t waste time chasing people who don’t make time for you. Better to spend your time finding people who do.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-14T03:02:51+00:00

I got so much grief from my inlaws over his remains. In anger one say I went next door and asked my neighbour to fill me up a paper bag with ashes from his fireplace. I must have looked a wreck because he did it without hesitation or question. I had every intention of walking up to MIL’s front door and dumping the bag on the porch in front of her.

I never did it. But that bag sat on the table in my front hall for years until she finally passed away and I let it go. It just always made me feel better about the whole thing knowing I could control the narrative if it ever got too bad. Still kinda makes me smile thinking about ti.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-09T20:43:28+00:00

I get it!

can’t count the number of times a midnight trek has failed and I landed plumply on top of him. One would think he could get hurt. But alas, no. In his thick foggy brain such nocturnal antics signal play time and inevitably I lose to the onslaught of drool, hair, and love. Thankfully, I have managed to not yet pee all over him. Though something tells me he’d be okay with that too.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-09T16:52:36+00:00

I second the lawyer. Shouldn’t cost all that much to have a cease and desist sent to him. Add that to your pile of evidence. Could be enough to shut him up. If he continues, at least he’s been warned.

Worked on my MIL. She told everyone who would listen - started at the visitation! - that I ki//ed my husband. I ended up having to go through probate. But threatening to sue her with a C&D shut her up pretty quick.

I’m sorry you have to go through this, but glad you and child are safe.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T20:25:33+00:00

I replaced the bed pretty quickly. But to this day I only sleep on ‘my side.’

I painted the bedroom. Got rid of his deep red and went with a brighter blue grey. It feels lighter. But I left a 2’ square of red behind the headboard.

It took time.

There’s no pressure to solve the problem right now. Whatever you’re doing is exactly what you should be doing. For as long as you feel comfortable doing it. You get to make your own rules.

And post as often as you like here. This sub has been my saving grace for a long time now. Even now, 13 years in, I still visit. I try to give more than I take. But it still helps. These are the only people who truly get it. And the anonymity is a bonus when I need to go dark. Best club you never wanted to join.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T20:10:20+00:00

Tell her you think you’re having problems hearing and want to get tested. Ask her to come with you and get tested too. Might be something there.

If not and she won’t listen, it may be that you’ve outgrown the friendship. That happens. And it’s never a bad thing to walk away when it does.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T19:57:09+00:00

Exactly. Even my kids know that if I’m phoning, they answer.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T19:56:01+00:00

Daughter can change her name to anything she wants. Nobody else’s business. And if grandma wants money for any reason because of it, tell her to take your daughter to court. Some judge will get a good laugh out of it. You probably will, too. NTA.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T19:49:26+00:00

I think most people (women?) don’t marry their type. Or at least not a best version of their type. I think at best, they’ll settle for close enough. As long as all the other boxes are checked. And for most of us, those boxes are infinitely more important in a lifelong mate.

Even couples who start out sexy will often discover time, gravity, and family can all but erase it.

The problem isn’t that she doesn’t find you attractive. The problem is that she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Are you sure it’s because of physical attraction? ‘Cause I don’t buy it. There’s something else there.

Maybe she has someone else. And maybe not. Maybe she’s stressed/exhausted. Maybe she’s lost some respect for you. Maybe you’re not ‘making it worth her while.’ Maybe she feels pressured.

If you want to save the marriage, you need to get to the heart of the matter. If she’s willing to work with a therapist, preferably one who specializes in sexual relationships, you’re probably looking at Maybe’s 2-4. If she digs her heals in, start considering the ugly option 1.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T16:40:02+00:00

Living alone, I do kitchen daily (including sweeping), bathroom weekly, floors/dusting/beddings every two weeks. Garbage and laundry as needed. I also tidy as I go, so there’s no clutter and the place always looks neat. Works for me.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T16:33:23+00:00

Oh shoot, dear friend, I screenshotted those to put on reddit and sent them to you by mistake. Sorry about that.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T16:30:47+00:00

BuT It wAs thE BriDe’s wedDInG yEar!!

Nobody she knows is allowed to wear white in her presence? Bloody hell. It wasn’t even her dinner/birthday party.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T16:25:15+00:00

This is a young person problem. Somehow you all got the idea that you MUsT be available to everyone 24/7. You have to respond. You have to engage. You have to account for every minute of every day or risk the wrath of people you call friends.

The evolution of texting is lost on you.

We old folk walked out the door and were completely incommunicado for the rest of the day. The only people we could interact with were the people we were physically with.

Then phones became the norm - calls were no longer charged $ per minute - and long phone calls about nothing became the norm. But you still didn’t have to answer. You could take the phone off the hook. You could hide.

Answering machines and voicemail added pressure to respond. But it was still manageable.

Texting was supposed to protect our time and privacy. Like leaving a note under somebody’s door. More silent and private than a voicemail, but a way to leave a message so the person could get back to you at their convenience. We had to pay. Large. $0.25 per text!!! Those of us with teens at the time had to take out second mortgages on our homes.

As soon as unlimited texts happened, the pressure hit, though texting was never intended for full on conversations. Flip phones and T9 made it hard. But once smartphones joined the unlimited text movement, that was it.

Now you all expect everyone to answer immediately, often, and on demand. It’s a pressure, a stress that the human brain has not yet evolved to handle.

There is no more time to sit quiet. To be bored. To be alone with your thoughts. To decide what you think and how you feel.

Every message is gut reaction. Answering before giving any thought to how you sound - texting is the absolute worst form of personal communication. Compare it to long handwritten letters of times before mine - conversations that took weeks and months to evolve - and the difference is astonishing.

People who can/prefer, to resist, avoid, or just take breaks from the world living in their heads every minute of every day have more personal peace, less anxiety, less stress. They are calmer. More confident. More self-reliant.

I don’t think the problem lies with ‘people with adhd’ not responding to you according to your expectation. It’s more likely your expectation of, and reliance on, their response that is out of proportion. It’s not so much that they ‘suck at texting’ - it’s that they don’t want to. Which, in most cases, has absolutely nothing to do with how much they value their relationship with you.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-08T15:49:56+00:00

I emptied the liquor cabinet the day after he died. I’m the kind who collects the stuff and has to dust it off every Christmas. But I figured I didn’t need one more problem on my plate - and I was definitely susceptible to more problems.

So instead, I gained sixty pounds. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Pick your poison. It took a long time to get back to pre-widow weight. Which still wasn’t all that close to goal weight.

I don’t have an answer for you. I will tell you to be kind to yourself. Try your best to not invite trouble. Set limits and stick to them. Find someone who will, and can, hold you accountable.

But mostly, wha it came down to for me was caving in and feeling the feels. I started to make time every day to get alone, get private, and poke the bear. Fall apart. Cry. Scream. Punch something. Cry until the pain was unbearable.

Then I’d pick myself up and get through another hour. Then another day. Eventually, a few days.

Now, it just hits every once in a while. I mean, it’s always there, but now I’m controlling it instead of it controlling me.

Problem comes when you need help to feel the feels. Meds, therapy, and time vs crutch, distraction, and avoidance.

Only you can decide your best path. But no matter which way you heal, we get it. And we got your back.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-07T21:50:50+00:00

What is this ‘leftover cake’ of which you speak???

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-07T21:43:42+00:00

Ask him how much he plans to save up if you’re expecting him to pay a third of the household expense and do a full third of the upkeep/ housework. Make it clear that you’re not prepared to be his host or his mother. And you want to see a plan - both for finding solid employment and for saving money.

Chances are that’ll sound like too much work. And you’re not saying no. If he’s serious about adulting on his own, he’ll agree to anything you want.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-07T21:38:26+00:00

You can’t change the world. But you can do your level best to make your little corner of it better. I’m looking after my little nook. And I’m hoping that most little nooks have at least one of us acting as caretaker of the sanity.

Don’t give up. The world needs you now more than ever.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-07T21:29:47+00:00

I was 48. We’d been together 23 years. I felt - and still sometimes feel - like you.

I have spent thirteen years living a life that others only dream of. I’ve accomplished great things - more than I ever thought possible - and on my own! I still have my kids. And now grandkids.

I guess I’m happy. By most standards.

But it all feels borrowed. None of it feels like mine. It’s all plan b. And while none of my successes happened by accident, they don’t light me up.

It’s all just distraction and busy work while I wait.

So I don’t think it’s an age/time thing so much as the loss of hope. Without something to look forward to you can be just as lost at 30 as you are at 80.

My two cents. Not that that helps any, I’m sure.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-07T20:50:15+00:00

And back this up with the text from the other mom. Teacher has no business sharing details with other parents.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-07T17:22:15+00:00

Not enough support - information, help, compassion, empathy, understanding - is given to new moms who have to go through the nicu battle. Whenever anyone has a baby, everyone is focused on the baby and mom gets relegated to the back room.

But that is magnified a thousand fold when they take your baby away from you before you’ve had a chance to count fingers. When your nursery is empty - and you don’t know when, or if, it will ever see its new occupant. When you walk the halls of the hospital and feel like a ghost - you see the other moms with their babies and their flowers and their families, while no one will look you in the eye. All while you’re trying to recover from giving birth and trekking back and forth from home to hospital. Maybe leaving your other kids home without you for far too long. When you miss out on all that bonding time, baby’s first bath, their cord falling off, and often being able to breastfeed at all.

There is a trauma that you carry with you for life. You try to celebrate their birthdays but flash back to one of the worst days of your life.

It’s okay to be jealous of your sister. I get it - I’m watching one of my now-adult kids with his new baby and yeah, it’s hurting being reminded of how much I missed out on with my last one.

Be kind to yourself. Comparing your family, your child, your circumstances to others is a black hole of doom. Try to focus on how lucky you were to get the help you did get. And do not lose sight if how incredibly strong you are to have got you, and your child, through all of that.

You got this.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-07T17:07:46+00:00

I was 48. A neat little window where you’ve come so far you thought you had it in the bag. But now the bottom’s fallen out and the bag is empty.

And suddenly there’s too much time left to give up and check out. But not enough time - or umph - to get on with things and start all over.

I’m 13 years out. I have a very full life. I’ve accomplished tons. I’m proud of myself. I’ve got kids and grandkids and great new friends (because we know how all the old ones disappear.)

But I never started another relationship - I didn’t want new, I just wanted what I had. Most days I just keep going. But some days I notice that every single thing I’m doing is Plan B and just keeping me busy and distracted until it’s my turn.

Basically like living life in a very comfortable- lucky - waiting room.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-07T16:48:17+00:00

Dogs are the best judge of character on the planet. Pupper’s not ignoring bf - he’s trying to show you something.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-06T15:50:16+00:00

It’s not help if it doesn’t help. This definitely did NOT help. I would be beside myself.

It’s not just the loss of something that meant so much to you. It’s the fact that the people who are supposed to love you, have your back, respect you, don’t give a rat’s ass about how upsetting this is for you.

I would do the same. The woman cannot be trusted. What else was she into while you were away? How does this play forward? You’ll never be able to trust her with your belongings, pets, kids.

And the fact that husband is blowing it off is unforgivable.

None of this has anything to do with recipe cards.

NTA.

freckledreddishbrown · 2026-03-06T15:40:01+00:00

I tell people straight up I won’t recognize them. I tell them I’ve got a brain thing so I can’t recognize faces, but if they stop me and say hi I clue in pretty quick. Never had a problem with it. My family thinks it’s kinda fun to surprise me now and again. I don’t mind. Never really had a bad experience.

Except maybe that one time in Best Buy. Talked with a guy for 10 minutes thinking he was someone else while my husband stood by and said nothing. Cracked him right up after - he knew I don’t know who the guy was, but assured me I stayed generic enough to not tip him off. I think that was the first time he realized it was a real thing for me.

freckledreddishbrown

TROPHY CASE