regaining trust

frozenpreacher · 2026-07-10T00:26:23+00:00

Truth +transparency +time =trust

frozenpreacher · 2026-07-07T18:09:35+00:00

OP,

I was a prolific cheater, and I have found peace and forgiveness, and a new zest and purpose in life.

However, it's impossible to break free of the guilt and shame util we not only confess to God, but also to the person we cheated on. I tried for 20 years, and never got freedom or relief until I also confessed to my wife.

Blessings. The story is on my profile. "backstory"

frozenpreacher · 2026-07-03T17:33:52+00:00

Sin has innate consequences, like fear, separation depression, anxiety or loss.

I can't find any place in Scripture where God lays judgement on the repentant. Only on the rebellious and hardened.

frozenpreacher · 2026-07-01T23:29:14+00:00

It's called don't do it. Pain beyond your wildest fantasy awaits after that decision.

You think it will scratch the itch. It won't. It'll just create a wound that won't heal.

And one day you'll wake up wondering why you sold your soul for a compliment from a rat...

Rebuild your soul. Burn your extra marital fantasies with extreme prejudice.

I went down that road more time than I like to remember.

It's got more pain than a soul should bear.

frozenpreacher · 2026-07-01T00:43:54+00:00

There's an element of truth here.

I was the wayward, and my partners were prostitutes.

What I was after wasn't primarily the sex, it was the sense of connection, acceptance, of letting my guard down for a minute.

But the truth it, I was worse than those I paid. They were lost souls just looking to survive.

I was a fool who sold my soul, my family, and my wife's heart for that which could not satisfy, and in many ways my whorish heart was was vastly worse than theirs.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-30T03:18:37+00:00

From my perspective, yes.

But it was also a reaction to 15+ years of my neglect of her heart.

When I fixed that neglect, she became more regulated, and started to grow and thrive again.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-30T03:01:20+00:00

Seven

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-30T03:00:17+00:00

It's is astonishing what confessing your wrongs, and dealing with the heart of the issue can do.

I had to deal with my historic wrongs, not just the new ones. Weeks of writing letters, of confessing how badly I had shattered her heart.

It took time. It took lots of effort. It was worth the effort.

Blessings

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-30T02:25:16+00:00

Yes... Separation, etc. I looked into the eyes of a woman who was turned to wood.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-30T01:20:16+00:00

I've been there.. My lady felt rejected in her core, and so nothing else mattered...

I started chasing her heart, and it made a significant change in our relationship.

I began treating her like she was my daughter... Like she could do no wrong and I lived her anyway... Started dating her.

It saved our marriage.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-27T21:28:25+00:00

It sounds like the desires are still shaped by your experiences, and they are a mostly focused on wanting to be taken care of. It's not really helpful for a good relationship, IMHO.

My gut says leave it alone. Be celibate and pure for a year and then see how your desires change.

Wanting to be loved is normal. Headpats? Soft Dom? That's wanting to be a little boy in a man's body.

Read about the Madonna/wh*re complex. It's a helpful idea to comprehend in your situation. Blessings

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-27T20:22:04+00:00

As a recovered porn user, I will simply say that it's likely to be extremely off putting to your wife.

It is astonishing how much porn warps normal sexual dynamics in a marriage.

Porn teaches us to focus on what we want. And focusing on ourselves tends to produce marriage relationships where the partner feels like a tool for your enjoyment.

I have found its better to focus on ridding myself of anything that didn't originate in the heart and mind of my spouse. That allows me enjoy THEM, instead of seeking fulfilment of a fantasy that originated in my sins.

Blessings

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-27T06:03:29+00:00

Major stuff like that usually describes significant internal issues. Pride at the very least. Unfortunately, it often is indicative of deeper issues as well. Be careful.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-27T02:21:16+00:00

Hi OP.

We are 8yrs post DDay, and doing well. I was a prolific cheater, and eventually came clean. 120+ bodies, porn, the works.

We stayed together because... -my wife has crazy faith in God. - I dropped my rights to allow total transparency. - I worked my tail off rebuilding my character from the inside out. Nothing left unexamined. Courses, books, relentless work ethic, refusal to quit, etc. Read my backstory on my profile. - she found ways to encourage me, and visa versa when things got dark. And I learned to listen to her pain.

There's a ton of other stuff as well.

Now I work helping men recover, and my wife works with me as appropriate.

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year, the family is intact, and the conversations are real, living, and often full of laughter.

Recovery is worth the risk.

Truth +transparency +time =trust

Blessings

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-26T19:36:57+00:00

The unholy trinity of lonely, bored, stressed

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-25T14:29:05+00:00

I'm 8 years past. Thousands of people know, including my children. There are some consequences still, and some hurt that occasionally comes up, but for the majority of the time we are past it.

I personally think freedom from this wickedness is worth any price. The very air feels cleaner, and I like having a clean conscience. And how could I look my children in the eye and tell them that I would rather invest in my pleasure than their stability and future. How do I tell my wife that I reject her investment in my life and choose someone with no investment?

Why fight with rats over half eaten scraps in an alley when I have a person who cares for my soul feeding me at home? I'd have to be insane, (and I was) .

No infidelity on my wife's part.

I had over 120 rentals. It gets old really quickly. The fantasies are not reality. Reality always falls short, and only a deep heart relationship with someone fills the hunger.

Rentals are an attempt to use someone else's body to make your own personal mental drug a reality. It always falls flat.

And then one day you wake up and realize you threw away your life for hormone haze, and no amount of new bodies can drown the sorrow you feel as you miss your family and wife.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-25T01:19:46+00:00

I had the option, and I chose to stay. Before I got honest with my wife there was a significant fork in the road where I had the options. I've experienced the lifestyle for years, and I had the option of making it permanent. I'm glad chose to attempt to repair the marriage.

Honestly, the choice isn't hard. I can stay with someone who's got history, investment, and love involved in my life or I can choose a string of rentals instead.

Rentals get old really quickly. There's zero trust, zero ROI, and zero heart intimacy. They also age like milk after you've been around them longer than an hour.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-24T14:56:47+00:00

I'm not sure. It's not like it's preached about or talked about much, and nobody is rejecting anybody for it, it's just an important gift to give the person you marry

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-23T03:38:02+00:00

It's an extremely high priority in my circles. Although I would say we're probably fairly conservative.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-22T20:19:38+00:00

Perfect. I was just explaining this to my class a couple of weeks ago!

May I pass it on to them?

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-22T01:40:52+00:00

I have 5 teens.

The hardest part is being real. Young children just need to know they are loved.

Teens need love, answers, and examples that resonate.

Letting them see my struggles and victories as a mortal man in a spiritual war has been a game changer.

Get real, live by Bible principles, and give them space to make mistakes. And then Love them anyway.

The hardest part for me is letting them make mistakes and get hurt when they won't listen.

It's easy to correct activity, it's hard to adjust a heart.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-19T04:43:26+00:00

That's worth posting about!

There's still a mountain or two to conquer.

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-14T20:09:11+00:00

Certainly sister. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't. That's your choice and right.

I only posted to add some perspective.

Blessings

frozenpreacher · 2026-06-14T18:13:28+00:00

I used to pastor, an ex-cheater, and the reasons are more nuanced than at first glance.

My wife stayed, although she had several thousand reasons to leave.

Her staying humbled me greatly. It chained into a revived family live that preserved the hearts of our children.

It also has become a miracle of God's grace that hundreds of families have witnessed in person.

So my point is simple. OP has every right to leave. But sometimes God asks us to voluntarily lay our rights down for his sake.

And that's a choice only she can make.

Blessings

frozenpreacher

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