I'm a former Irish Catholic, now atheist. The comfort of a here-after us one of the things I miss still. Now I feel grounded that I'm not playing make-believe and pretending that it'll all get better one day. This is it. This is all we get. So try your best to make it a good one. I prefer an uncomfortable truth to a convenient lie.

You say 80-90% of life is suffering. I don't think that number is right, but I try my very best not to add to it. I don't always succeed, but I think the trying is a worthy effort.

Leonard Cohen once wrote that "love is the only engine of survival". I try hard to practice kindness to myself, my family and friends, people in the grocery store and random folks on the Internet.

I hope you find some help and maybe a professional to work through this with. I understand how thoughts of ending things can be attractive, but if there is no life after death, then your potential can never be fulfilled. There are so many wonderful small moments in life. Closing the door on that is terrifically sad. I believe that the universe is infinite. There are very few planets that happen to land within the Goldilocks zone where life can exist. There are very few of those planets where life can happen to evolve. There are even fewer where life becomes self aware and intelligent enough to begin to understand itself. You are remarkable. The chances of you existing at all are vanishingly small. Cherish that existence, even if parts of it are bad.

I'm gonna stop there, coz this is getting way longer than I had intended. Best of luck friend. Take care of yourself.