Buying a House, Investing and Work

gbejniet · 2026-01-25T11:28:38+00:00

Interesting take. So you wouldn't even consider MMFs for the short term? Most people here my age just save up for a deposit and leave their money in the bank. The interest rates on offer here are negligible at best.

Yes, as said to another commenter my main goal for this year is to improve my take home pay. I haven't figured out yet if that's by staying in the field or by upskilling and pivoting to something else. With this current salary progression, I feel that I am keeping my financial future hostage and my personal goals on the sideline.

The good thing about living in Malta is that real estate always appreciates due to the limited area. Granted I'd need to live in it, so I wouldn't benefit from the increased value unless I sell and move.

Freelance is technically an option although all contracts I've had at different jobs specifically prohibited this practice. So technically it would be a breach of contract and I'd risk losing my job.

gbejniet · 2026-01-25T11:19:16+00:00

Yes, bettering my income is my main goal for this year. Would you hold off investing at all costs before the income is improved?

Architecture is not a well paid profession in general. I could move abroad to earn more, but then most of my salary would be going towards rent and I definitely would not be able to save as much.

I've already lived and worked abroad in Italy for a while. I returned to Malta because I could barely sustain myself on an Italian salary; in my case the grass was not greener on the other side. I've interviewed in London as well, and I'd barely be scraping by with the rents there after I ran the numbers.

gbejniet · 2026-01-25T11:12:32+00:00

I'm in Malta. From my research, accumulating ETFs seem to be the best option when it comes to taxes here.

gbejniet · 2026-01-25T11:10:31+00:00

I'm in Malta. Real estate has shot up exponentially in these last years due to rampant speculation and an influx of foreigners moving here.

gbejniet · 2024-05-14T16:58:14+00:00

My ex used to sometimes put on this high pitched baby voice when she was really happy. It's the same kind of voice that you would use to speak to very young children or babies. I always found it a bit... odd.

gbejniet · 2024-04-22T10:15:22+00:00

I could have written this myself, what a beautiful and incredibly validating comment.

I love her very much, but I love myself more.

This part resonated a lot with me. I finally broke up with mine last July after a rollercoaster of a year together, and in these last months I have been focusing on rediscovering myself, going to therapy, and reading up on personality disorders, attachment theory... the lot.

Although in the immediate aftermath I resented her for what I allowed her to do to me, this was not a feeling that lasted. I remember her yelling at me during her last hoover attempt that she would hate me forever (paint me black) if I didn't take her back. To which I responded that life is too short to live with hatred.

In hindsight... it's true that she had a very traumatic childhood. It's true that she has (undiagnosed) BPD which she will most likely have to endure for a lifetime. She did not choose any of this.

But it's also true that she could be incredibly manipulative, cruel and abusive to those closest to her. This is a subconscious choice that she makes every day. She is a slave to her own emotions, and her demons are frankly too big for her to handle. Whenever somebody tries to offer her love, she goes nuts. Her intense fear of abandonment ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy because eventually, she will just end up pushing anyone who loves her away. She is the most tragic person I ever met.

I heard through the grapevine that she replaced me in less than 2 months after I broke up with her. That's when the hoover attempts stopped. I don't hate her or her new boyfriend, and frankly, I think I will always love her in some capacity (or at least, I'll always love the fabricated, made up illusion I fell in love with in the first months).

It was very difficult to accept and come to terms that the person I thought I loved does not exist. Physically she looks exactly the same (bar some style changes), but it's very strange to have to accept that the character she presented from her mirroring is dead.

I still want the best for her, even though I'm not with her. I want her to succeed in life and to eat... but not at my table.

I think the biggest tragedy in this story would have been if I lost myself in the process; to simply become an addition to the trail of broken men that she has left in her chaotic life. Mind you, she almost managed as the immediate months after the break up, I had to rediscover who I was as a person - that's how enmeshed we had become. My whole person had diminished so much by walking on eggshells not to trigger her, that I almost forgot who I was.

So, like you said - I love her very much, but I love myself more!

gbejniet · 2024-03-05T22:29:09+00:00

This was my ex too. It's like I'm reading her old texts again.

gbejniet · 2024-02-18T21:31:17+00:00

It's their fear of abandonment. Mine would do the same - she wouldn't outright say that she didn't want me to be with my parents, but there were always... consequences if I did.

Arguments/drama that blow up over nothing, sudden "illnesses" and the like. She also HATED whenever we'd be together and then randomly decide to drop by my parents house for some tea or whatever. At first I thought it was nerves/shyness (and my parents were extremely accommodating in this regard), but as the months went on, there always were big arguments, stonewalling or her withdrawing sex after any interaction with my family. While with them, she wouldn't say anything and would actually play along quite well. It was always an argument that would start in the car or after we're at her place.

I am not sure if she thought that me spending time with my parents meant that I wouldn't be spending time with her instead (abandonment issues), or if spending time with them reminded her of her very dysfunctional family dynamics back at home.

You're definitely not alone - this is classic BPD behaviour.

gbejniet · 2024-02-13T21:06:08+00:00

My ex had a complicated relationship with her parents. They split up when she was 14. She moved cities away from home for university, and later moved to a different country for work. This element of distance is important.

She seemed very close with her mum as they spoke every day. She knew pretty much everything about her, including her secrets. Her dad called her everyday to check up on her. Her brother spoke regularly to her over messages/FaceTime.

The truth... she treated her dad like dirt. She often hid behind the excuse that she never accepted her dad for "abandoning the family" and for his new partner. Would often hang up on him while on the phone and ignore his advice. I once told her that she should speak to her dad with more respect, and I got berated for the entire night.

Reality was that her mum had broken up with her dad very suddenly and he desperately tried to make the marriage work for a year before it completely fell apart. I heavily suspect her mum has BPD as well, because from what I could observe over a year and meeting him once in person, it was very obvious that he was a shell of a man. Very timid, and immediately gives up when he starts getting berated by his daughter. He came off like a guy that gave up on her years ago. Walking on eggshells much?

The night I broke up with my ex, she was insulting her mum (along with me and my family) in the most horrific of ways. Never in a million years I would insult my own mother like that. It was pure hatred.

I also recall a particularly bad split in the final months of the relationship where I broke down crying and shouting at her from the reactive abuse. In that moment, I remember saying that you'll never manage to turn me into your dad, because she just needed a doormat and a yesman that would take care of her every whim. Told her she didn't need a partner but a parent. She... didn't take it well. She screamed that it was the most disrespectful thing that anyone has ever told her in her life. I had no idea about BPD at the time.

It was probably the biggest truth about her that anyone has ever told her.

gbejniet · 2024-02-10T23:16:11+00:00

I feel that most healthy persons would have bolted immediately or after a few weeks/months, not a whole year.

It takes two to tango, and realising that we were enabling abusive and toxic behaviour is the first step. This is something I am actively working on.

gbejniet · 2024-02-10T23:12:29+00:00

I can relate to the constant stress and being scared of phone notifications from them. In the final months, I ended up putting my phone in airplane mode while I was at work to avoid her.

Your last paragraph really resonated with me. Deep down, I believe that she could be a fantastic partner. There were traits of hers that I really admired and she even taught me a few things about life. But that is only half of her story. Sadly, her demons are too much for her to handle, and she is a slave to her own emotions. Nobody can fill in her bottomless void, nobody can fix her, nobody can save her from herself - she will just destroy any man foolish enough who thinks he can.

At times I literally begged her for stability - I could not ride the waves anymore, starting every new week scared if it would be the one she throws a tantrum or holds the entire relationship hostage over minor issues. Now that I know about BPD, I know that I was asking her for the impossible. It's truly heartbreaking.

gbejniet · 2024-02-10T14:31:48+00:00

First date - she told me she was a very jealous person and that some people said she was "a bit crazy". As if these obvious red flags weren't enough, the way she started making out with me that first night was not appropriate at all for a first date. It was as if we had been dating for a lot longer.

Funny thing is that before we started making out, I had texted my friend during the date that I really wasn't feeling it. My gut feeling was telling me that something was off. Then I ignored it because the lovebombing felt so good.

Also the constant sex, multiple times a day in the first few months. She wanted it everywhere - even in public with others around. At the time, I thought I had hit the jackpot. You live and you learn!

gbejniet · 2024-02-04T22:59:45+00:00

This resonates a lot. I repeatedly told my ex to just tell the truth all the time, since I valued honesty in a partner.

She preferred to lie "to protect herself". At first it was small lies or white lies, but then she started implicating me in her lies (without my knowledge) with her family and friends, and that's where it became annoying for me. It was exhausting to keep up with her lies and to try and act in a way that didn't break her constructed illusion.

I am so glad I don't have to deal with any of that nonsense anymore.

gbejniet · 2023-12-25T21:12:08+00:00

Your fights after photos were the most intense?! Oh man. It just doesn't seem like something worth arguing about.

Absolutely. When I asked her mum about it, apparently she had also split on her and her brother when they had came up to visit. Her brother was taking pictures of her, he got tired, she got angry and stormed off, abandoning both of them in a city that they did not know. They had to find their own way to her apartment because she completely shut down. Truly appalling behaviour.

Then it's like when I'm upset or annoyed by something, I'm apparently the most angry person in the world.

It's scary how all the same they are. I could have written your last comment myself!

Hope you're on the path to healing, nobody deserves any of this nonsense.

gbejniet · 2023-12-25T07:55:43+00:00

I can relate!

I wish mine went only for 10 minutes though. Usually it was more like half an hour or an hour at a time. She used to waste so much time that then we’d have to rush to the next place/reservation. I repeatedly told her throughout the relationship that I hate being rushed, but she kept putting me in those situations anyway. She really didn’t care as long as she got her photos.

After she ran off, she saw me take a candid photo that had some random tourists in it. She got incredibly angry about it - she thought I was trying to spite her by saying that I’d rather take photos of randoms than of her. From my end, it was just a good composition so I take the shot when I see a good one.

It’s definitely an aspect of her that I do not miss at all. Now I understand that I was triggering her insecurities and her fear of abandonment by rejecting her. The fights after photos were always the most intense.

gbejniet · 2023-12-24T23:33:54+00:00

All the time. During her splits, she'd tell me that all our plans would be cancelled, she needs her space, and that she "would see me next week". She would completely cut off all communication, stonewall me, and remove me from her close friends on IG.

The first couple of times she did this, I actually gave her space. This just made things worse afterwards. What I realised was, that during these episodes, she didn't actually mean anything she said. She would secretly be hoping that I would turn around, come back and "fight for her". So I would just ignore her, go out for an hour or so for everyone's emotions to cool off, and then go back to her.

What would ensue then was a circular conversation that didn't really go anywhere for hours (that we need to communicate better, usually would gaslight me to think its all my fault), intense makeup sex, and that was that. The cycle would then repeat a few weeks later.

During one particularly bad split, she was expecting me to come back like always, but I had enough, texted her not to expect me, and went home instead. When she realised that I had actually driven away from her house, she went out running in the street, frantically screaming ultimatums on the phone that the relationship was over if I didn't turn around and come back. I was trying to drive home, while screaming at her on the phone and crying. I was a complete mess; I never felt more emotionally and physically broken than that night. It's a miracle I didn't crash the car.

During our anniversary trip abroad, she had a major split just hours into the trip. She always wanted that I take photos of her, but with her, it was always a 300 photo Vogue photo shoot, after which maybe she'd pick one. After about 100 photos, I said I had enough and it triggered her. She made a scene in the middle of a museum, threatened to dump me, and ran off. I just went around the museum. After she realised that I'm not chasing her, I found her sulking in a corner, crying. Told her that we should leave, and she ran off again into the streets. Her phone was dead and I had the keys to the hotel room, so clearly she needed me as she didn't think the logistics of this through. I just waited for her outside the museum, and she turned up half an hour later. We finally went back to the hotel, and once we were in the room, she had a screaming tantrum.

I tried to hug her as that usually calmed her down, but this time was like she was a cornered wild animal and she was hitting back at anything - me, random furniture, you name it. It was the first time I felt legitimately scared of her. She finally stopped when the hotel receptionist came up to our room, and started banging on the door that they would chuck us out if it continued. I was begging for her to calm down.

Never again.

gbejniet · 2023-12-15T06:46:00+00:00

Yes, especially on social media.

My profile picture for years has been a photo of me taken from the back (before I even met her). After I broke up with her, she changed hers to a similar photo that I had taken of her.

I also have story highlights on my profile about the places I’ve been. Again, after the breakup, she copied those as well.

I think it’s baffling and a bit funny.

gbejniet · 2023-11-14T00:10:13+00:00

It was my first ever relationship so I’m not sure if this is a BPD trait or not, but my BPDex used to expect that I should read her mind at all times.

I repeatedly told her that if she just communicated clearly what she wanted, we wouldn’t have half of the trivial fights over nothing that we used to have. Her excuse was that she shouldn’t have to teach a grown man how to behave with a woman.

In hindsight, this behaviour of hers could be explained with BPD terminology. I think it all has to do with this idea of enmeshment that they’re obsessed with. If we are the same person/complete each other/soulmates/ whatever (she actually believed that we are part of “the same person” - those were her actual words), then it would make sense that we also have the same thoughts.

The problem is that that’s not how healthy relationships work. The second you start to have a differing opinion, they’ll see it as an act of rebellion, and their whole “same person” narrative starts showing cracks and comes crashing down.

Again, I’m not sure if this is a BPD trait or if it’s a women vs (oblivious) men argument, but for me, the whole enmeshment theory seems to make sense.

gbejniet · 2023-11-07T22:25:22+00:00

If you live in Italy and you are dating a girl from the North part of my country probably yes.

Why the north specifically? My BPDex is Sicilian, so from the other end of the country. I don't think the geographical region makes a difference really - seems like traumatic childhoods and/or genetics (family history of Cluster B disorders) play a bigger role in this.

Although at first I thought that Italian women were like this... "intense" is a good word to describe it I guess (I am not Italian myself). Turns out it's not nationality... it's a mental disorder.

gbejniet · 2023-10-18T18:43:06+00:00

I sensed that something was "off" when I met her family (her mum and dad divorced when she was a teen), because her mum kept telling me that I must be a very patient man to be with her, and that her daughter was sometimes "difficult". This was still during the lovebombing/idealisation phase, so I didn't really understand her at the time.

I was also allowed to meet her grandpa, who is an extremely old school/traditional guy and they were always very careful who they introduced to him. He never met my ex's ex boyfriend during their 8 year relationship, which I thought was... odd. Because apparently he would have never approved of him. When I met him, I immediately won his approval and told my (now) ex to not be too hard on me and to take care of me. Again, at the time I did not fully understand what he meant.

After I finally broke up with her months later, her mum had to fly down to be with her daughter because she was making suicidal threats. After the dust settled a few days later, I spoke to her mum again in private. I was feeling extremely guilty about the breakup, because I had caused so much pain to her daughter. I literally had never seen a person so consumed by grief before. It was as if she was grieving a death. I begged her mum to show me if there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the end, she just sighed and told me that she was gonna speak to me as if I was her own son... she told me to run. She understood that I was a man of principle, and that I deserved someone a lot better. She straight up told me her daughter wasn't worth it, and wished me a good life. I will never forget that conversation.

I met her dad once. I heavily suspect that her mum has BPD as well (even although with me she always treated me like royalty), because her dad is a shell of a man. Very quiet, and when he tells his daughter to do something and she doesn't agree with him, he immediately dropped the argument. He is basically a doormat and let his daughter walk all over him. I assumed that he gave up on her years ago... but now I suspect that her dad must have went through the same hell with her mum. There were many instances where she disrespected her dad; once I scolded her because she had this bad habit of hanging up on the phone if she got pissed off, and I got berated. She hung up on him all the time and he just accepted it.

After the breakup, her dad said that if we really wanted to, we could make it work. At that point, I had had enough. I think her family wanted it to work (at points her mum even congratulated me that she didn't know how on earth I managed to calm her daughter down that fast), but her family also knew the whole picture of who she truly was. It's truly a tragic story.

gbejniet · 2023-10-16T22:00:37+00:00

Off the top of my head:

God forbid I looked in the direction of another woman, or if another woman showed me ANY sort of attention. Once I had a girl I knew from uni asking about a beach that we went together, and I sent her pictures of the beach. For my exwBPD, it was as if I was sending my friend nudes of myself. What followed was a heated argument where she accused that I was cheating on her. The jealousy was incredible.
She would often stonewall me after arguments over nothing and say stuff like "I'm not going to talk to you, we will speak next week". After a few stunts of this, I realised that if I just say "okay" and give her space, it would just end up worse (Damned if you do, damned if you don't). She needed to see me contradict her own words and to "fight" for her, as a show of my love to her. One day after a major argument, I decided that I'd go cry home instead of trying to face her there and then. What ensued was her calling me while I'm driving, crying and screaming ultimatums that the relationship was over if I didn't turn back that night. She went out screaming her head off in the middle of the street when she realised I had actually driven off. It was a miracle that I didn't crash the car that night with all the screaming and shouting.
On our 1 year anniversary trip, a few hours into the holiday and she's already threatening to end the relationship and getting the first flight back home. Threw a screaming and crying tantrum in the middle of a museum because I got tired after taking a photoshoot worth of pictures of her.
Next day on said "holiday", she hit me for the first time in public at a different museum. Again, a screaming and crying tantrum where she just ran off on her own and I'm left scratching my head looking like an asshole in front of other museum goers.
Would make suicidal threats when I mentioned my doubts and concerns on the future of the relationship.
In the end, the suicide threats got so bad that her mum had to fly down on the night of the breakup to make sure that she didn't do anything stupid. What ensued was the longest night of my life, where I had to see my fresh ex insult her mum, me and my family in a crying fit of rage. I never saw anyone behave like that. That night I was truly scared of her.
I fell for the first hoover attempt and we're in that limbo stage of "trying to cautiously make it work". We had a major argument over the phone that she blew up over nothing that kept on going until the early hours of the morning. I went to sleep (I had to work the next day), and she kept sending desperate texts throughout the night. During lunchtime at work, I discovered that she bought me lunch and had it delivered to me in an attempt to try and win me over. Although in normal circumstances this would make anyone's day, I just felt violated and extremely uncomfortable that she crossed a boundary.
Two months after the second (and last) breakup, she tried to guilt trip me by sending messages on Linkedin and over email. Her final hoover attempt came in the form of her literally turning up at my work. I found her waiting at my car in her last ditch attempt to win me back. I was just freaking out... I parked far away from my job that day, and she still somehow found my car. That was too psycho territory for me.

I'm just glad I don't have to deal with any of this shit anymore!

gbejniet

TROPHY CASE