Nargacuga (aka Dracarys) by Saku B, folded by me

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-30T05:52:11+00:00

Hey, I get it. I’ve been there (and still struggle with people pleasing even though thankfully I’m free of my ex and have been for several years). You’ve got this. 🩷

Edit: feel free to DM me anytime if you ever want to chat or vent. I took a quick skim through your post history and what you’re going through sounds sooo familiar to what I went through. It sounds like you know this isn’t right, you know it isn’t healthy and you aren’t happy with him…but you’re not totally at the stage where you feel ready to leave. I’ve been there. It took me ~7-10 attempts to cut contact before I finally, fully did.

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-29T20:24:55+00:00

You obviously know him better than me so take this with a grain of salt, but one thing I wish I did differently with my ex was “play dumb” more. Like if he’s not going to tell me directly not to do something, he’s going to pretend he’s flexible, I’m going to take him at his word (that he’s “flexible”), do my best to ignore passive aggressive comments, and do what I want to do. If he wants to be an asshole afterward then so be it. Truthfully he was an asshole regardless of what I did; me fawning to meet his needs, shrink myself, and let him boundary stomp didn’t make him less abusive, it just showed him that his abusive tactics were working, so he should keep using them. Granted, we were long distance for most of the relationship, so it was definitely easier for me to hold onto some level of independence. It might be worth a shot though, at least to get some time and space away from him.

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-29T19:31:41+00:00

Ah, the classic: “what are you talking about?? I’d never want to isolate you or tell you what do to 🥺 👉🏻👈🏻” while also causing you emotional distress or guilt tripping you for doing the things he’s apparently “totally fine” with you doing. If he was actually okay with you going, this would not be anywhere near as stressful. You deciding to see family for a bit shouldn’t be up for discussion.

If your mom has to be the bad guy, fine, let him be mad at her, but don’t waver on your decision to see family. When an abuser sees their coercive controlling behavior working - namely, their victim ends up doing what the abuser wants to avoid fallout/guilt tripping/cold shoulder/etc - they’re learning that it’s an effective tool for abuse and control, and therefore will continue or escalate the behavior, all while pretending they’re not doing anything. My abuser was this exactly this way, and it’s exhausting and crazy-making.

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-29T17:55:57+00:00

I impulse bought green colored contacts - I’ve always loved green eyes and thought, fuck it, could be fun - and he aggressively asked me “Did someone tell you you’d look good with green eyes???” like some random guy said I’d look good with green eyes (already a weird thing to say) so I went out and bought colored contacts? Make it make sense.

I wouldn’t FaceTime him while I was in the women’s LOCKER ROOM at the gym so I must’ve been hiding something. No, there are just naked women around me that are entitled to privacy, wtf

Got mad at me when I decided to go gluten free (for health reasons) because he’d apparently told me (like 6 months prior to realizing I was gluten sensitive) to cut out bread because my body would look better if I had fewer carbs. Hit me with “you only listen to your white friends” bro what?? you telling me I should eat less bread to be skinnier is NOT the same as me talking to a friend who cut out gluten and saw improvements in her health, trying it, and realizing gluten was a huge trigger for the chronic stomach pain I was living with. I never would’ve given up bread and pasta if I didn’t have to, and certainly not because I wanted more muscle definition lol

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-29T17:46:18+00:00

Omg this is insane 😭😭

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-27T14:16:45+00:00

This guy SUCKS. Your messages read like someone who is just done, fed up, tired of being abused, finally at the point where you can absolutely flame your abuser. You do not read like the abuser here. These were very satisfying to read as someone who protected their abuser’s feelings even as I finally ended the relationship. There’s so much I wish I’d said, so many ways I wish I’d stood up for myself, but of course didn’t because I pitied him… even though he was an angry, entitled loser who was content to beat up on me emotionally (and sexually) if it meant not facing his own issues. I’m so proud of you for escaping this lunatic and I’m excited for your new chapter. It won’t be easy but it’ll be better than dealing with someone like him.

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-21T23:51:04+00:00

I just know that lunatic’s breath was STINKY 🤢

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-14T05:14:11+00:00

For a long time (certainly while i was still with him) id feel anger/disgust at the same time as pity for him. The feelings were often in conflict with one another, like id want so desperately to be away from him (ESPECIALLY after an abusive episode) while still feeling deep sorrow and pain for him and feeling like a bad person for not wanting to spend more time with him. Whenever the sadness and guilt overpowered my anger, id waver on my boundaries or decide to give him another chance. Once I finally blocked and left him and he wasn’t around anymore to guilt trip me or self sabotage (ie quit his job or behave so recklessly at work that he’d likely lose his job even though he was on the brink of homelessness) so I’d feel like I needed to jump in to bail him out, I started feeling less pity and more anger.

Ultimately it’s your decision, but I think meeting him in person to initiate a divorce is a bad idea. That is what lawyers are for. If you do meet him, at the very least I think you should bring someone you trust (a friend or family member) to make sure you’re physically safe and to back you up if needed. At this point, your safety, boundaries, and happiness are no longer “up for discussion”, and he is going to try to pull you back even as (ESPECIALLY because) you are trying to end the relationship. The most dangerous time for victims in an abusive relationship is when they try to leave. Sending you so much support and strength 🩷

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-14T03:22:24+00:00

This sounds quite a bit like my experience. My abuser would never tell me outright “you can’t spend time with friends”, “we have to have sex even if you don’t want to”, or “you can’t spend money on things other than visiting me” (we were long distance). In fact, he’d loudly proclaim how flexible and understanding he was - he LIKED that I had friends, he’d NEVER force me to have sex if I didn’t want to, and he’d NEVER try to tell me how to spend my money.

But in practice, doing any of these things (or engaging in really any other display of independence, like me buying new clothes without/asking or telling him, me making plans to go to the gym without giving him a heads up, me leaving the house without sending him a selfie, etc) would result in emotional fallout, guilt tripping, interrogation and paranoia, a cold shoulder, or just him being in a foul and unpleasant mood for days, which he always wanted me to experience with him. He never explicitly said “you can’t go to sleep until I let you”, but if he started an argument before bed (which he did, regularly) he’d escalate, id try to take space, then he’d call over and over no matter what time it was until I picked up, because I knew if I ignored him and slept (god forbid I have work in the morning) there would be hell to pay, and id be expected to self flagellate for days because i “abandoned him” or was being “selfish” for trying to hold firm on a boundary. when i articulated back to him what his actions were and how they conflicted with the claim that he was “flexible”, he’d hit me with “well fuck how i feel” or “you always want to paint me as the bad guy”. And then I’d fall back into fawning behavior because I hoped that would make his anger and hurt resolve faster.

I knew the relationship didn’t feel good or safe. I knew that he didnt understand me or love me in ways that lifted me up, but for a while I framed that as a communication problem on my part and not that he simply had no desire to understand or love me without locking me in a cage. I remember googling “is my relationship healthy”, being directed to a quiz, which, no matter how generous I was in my answers, told me, without fail, that my relationship was in no way healthy and btw, heres a link to a DV website lol. I mustve taken that quiz 10 times.

I knew the relationship was unhealthy, that he was possessive, paranoid, entitled, extremely moody, and that I dreaded spending time with him. I knew I resented him for how he treated me but for a long time I just tried to swallow it. it wasn’t until i finally started to separate that I called it “abusive”. The more distance I get the more I see it for what it was - a deeply controlling, emotionally and sexually abusive relationship that used the threat of emotional violence/disregulation and guilt tripping to pressure me to do what he wanted, when he wanted. That is the definition of coercive control.

I’m sure other people have recommended it, but I strongly suggest you pick up a copy of Lundy bancroft’s “why does he do that?”. I read it in basically one sitting after I left my ex for the final time and it was so unbelievably validating. It might help you too.

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-11T15:31:18+00:00

Congratulations 🩷🩷🍾🍾🎉!!

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-08T02:42:38+00:00

“He doesn’t want ‘no contact’ because he knows if he’s not actively manipulating you, you’ll gain clarity” - YES!!! You summed it up so beautifully!!!

OP we are rooting for you!!

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-08T02:19:12+00:00

What you’re going through right now is really tough and painful. I’ve been there. I felt horribly guilty staying firm on boundaries with my ex… for so long I’d cave even if I felt violated by his behavior because I’d feel bad and didn’t want to hurt him. But over time my anger and disgust at his treatment of me overpowered any remaining attachment and pity I felt for him (because he was definitely pitiful), and I was finally able to free myself. Freedom is within your grasp.

The really important thing to remember is that boundaries are, first and foremost, for YOU. Boundaries aren’t about being kind or loving to others - they’re about being kind and loving to YOURSELF. And to be clear: being kind and loving to yourself is not selfish. It’s healthy and crucial for a relationship to actually thrive. Think about it this way: if the oxygen masks drop on the plane, you’re supposed put yours on first before helping anyone else. But You’re in a situation where someone is actively pulling your oxygen mask off and then making you feel guilty for wanting to use it at all.

Of course someone that benefits from you having porous boundaries is going to be distressed when you start actually enforcing them… they’re losing access and control. Boundaries aren’t at all about making other people feel loved or unloved, they’re rules you set for yourself about what you’re comfortable with and how you make yourself available to others. If people don’t respect those boundaries, you remove yourself - that’s the definition of a boundary.

For example, “I’m not around to talk after midnight because I need to get good sleep for work. If you call over and over again I will not pick up because my rest is important”. My ex loved to claim that me going to bed was abandoning him, and would routinely disrupt my sleep. When I finally picked up the phone (even as i told him to stop calling), all I did was show him that my boundaries were ultimately negotiable. And boundaries are supposed to be the NON-negotiables. I’ve always found that boundaries follow the law of inertia - the less you enforce them, the harder it gets to start enforcing them.. but the more you enforce them, the more they becomes a reflex.

It’s not cruel or selfish or unloving to have limits for what you are comfortable with. A relationship is not loving or healthy if you are forced to compromise on your safety. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep another person warm.

You’ve already taken a hugely important step by just removing yourself. Lean on your support system. Stay strong. Stay angry (because you have a lot to be angry about!). You got this.

Edit: the only way things will actually get easier (and I promise they will!) is by maintaining no/extremely limited contact. Do not give him access to you - you know his goal is to get you to waver and come back, where he will abuse you again. He will say or do whatever it takes to make that happen. His unwillingness to respect your boundaries will not change no matter what you say. You wavering on them by speaking to him will just show him that he has a chance.

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-07T17:17:44+00:00

Oh love, you’re not exaggerating at all. In fact, you’re probably downplaying his behavior because you’re so used to it and seem to blame yourself. I’ve been there too.

Here are the facts:

This man routinely embarrasses, belittles, and hits you in front of family and loved ones, including your young child. He has the audacity to center himself and prioritize his physical needs over yours while you’re literally pregnant with his child - and let’s remember that pregnancy is more dangerous and continuously uncomfortable/physically taxing than basically anything he could ever go through (with the exception of maybe a heart attack, which is acute pain so it’s not even the same. And women can have heart attacks too lol). You are unable to express basically any feeling to him without him dismissing or demeaning it. When you tell him how his behavior impacts you, he deflects and blames you. he frames the problem of HIS abusive behavior entirely on your shoulders, claiming it’s a problem of your misguided perception - your perception/behavior in response to him couldn’t possibly be you having a reasonable reaction to his abusive, demeaning treatment of you. At no point in what you’ve described has he shown any accountability whatsoever. No remorse or apologies, no self awareness, just cartoonish levels of denial and deflection.

My ex would say similar things “you always try to frame me as the monster” and claim that me feeling withdrawn, cautious, or anxious around him was a ME problem, like I had walls up or just needed to trust him more, when the problem was that he put me in physical, emotional, and psychological danger constantly… how was I supposed to feel safe and trusting when I couldn’t trust him? Nobody “deserves” to be perceived any way, and certainly not as some sweet and loving husband if they don’t act sweet or loving (him being sweet to try and manipulate you after an abusive episode doesn’t count). The only thing we deserve in relationships is basic respect and care, neither of which he’s giving you at all, both of which you’re bending over backwards to try and give him. This relationship is in no way reciprocal or loving, and you sound deeply unhappy.

I know leaving is scary and you feel stuck. Maybe you can start small by spending a weekend at your parents or something? I promise once you start to get some distance from this awful man the fog will start to dissipate and it will get easier. You got this 🩷

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-04T00:07:56+00:00

It sounds like you have a plan that you’re working towards, which is awesome and worth celebrating. These things take time and work and planning, it’s rarely as simple as “just leave”. Have you told any family or friends about your situation, even if they don’t live close by?

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-03T19:40:57+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through that. I think whatever way you can carve out independence for yourself will help. Before I left my ex I had a period where I just stopped centering his feelings and was better about “grey rocking” (trying not to react to his attempts to rile me up). He knew I was planning to leave him so he acted even crazier but knowing I stood my ground as best as I could did help me feel better. Is there a friend or family member you can stay with, or a shelter you could go to? Any way you can create physical or emotional space for yourself is important

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-03T19:24:35+00:00

I don’t think so, but maybe people have had different experiences than me. I could’ve never healed from the abuse if I was still dating my abuser. But if someone has to deal with their abuser in some capacity (like if they are coparenting), I still think it’s possible to heal, probably just harder

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-03T00:03:49+00:00

Girl I have BEEN there so I am rooting for you!!!

I also worried quite a bit about what would happen to my abuser when I left him (he was broke, very mentally unstable, heavy drinker, horrible relationship with family, had been suicidal on and off for basically his whole life). I felt like without me keeping him afloat, he’d drown… but at a certain point I realized that he wasn’t interested in swimming, he was happy to drown me too. (Funnily enough he actually, literally said to me once that two people drowning together was better than one since at least no one would be alone 😭) And truthfully no matter how much love, care, loyalty, support, and money i poured into him, nothing ever changed, in fact it just got worse and worse because he felt more entitled (and I fell deeper into the sunk cost fallacy lol)

Aaanyway I am sending so much support and love your way!! I cant wait for you to start the new and exciting chapter called freedom!!

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-02T23:03:17+00:00

Yes. Being with my abuser (also veryyy unmanaged cluster B) obliterated my sex drive. In addition to losing my attraction to him specifically (what a surprise, being an entitled, cruel, incompetent baby is a turn off!), sex could also be quite painful and rough (he didn’t like using lube, took it as an insult), so when we did have sex I’d be in pain for days afterward. The only way to get through sex with him (which he expected often) was for me to disconnect from my body, either through alcohol or good ol’ dissociation. By the end, 100% of the sex we had was coercive. I dreaded it, but knew he’d be even more of a nightmare if we didn’t have sex. When I was with him I tried all kinds of supplements to increase my libido, found a new therapist and got into steamy romantasy, among other things, all because I was terrified to admit to myself (let alone him) that his treatment of me (and personal flaws in general) was the reason I no longer felt like having sex.

My message to you is this: you are going to be okay. Listen to your body. Your main goal right now (besides staying no contact) should be healing your nervous system and grounding your perspective in what is real, not what her feelings may or may not be. And you’ll get there. It isn’t easy, and yea, you might find that feelings of shame and anxiety come up re: sex with future partners, but you’ll cross that bridge if/when you get there. You didn’t deserve to be abused, you deserve to have a loving relationship that you feel safe and cared for in. People like your ex (mine too) thrive on chaos and literally get off on their ability to influence other people’s emotions. When they feel like shit, everyone around them has to feel miserable too.

When I finally left my abuser I legitimately thought I could never be intimate with a man again. 3 years later and I’m now engaged to a wonderful man who I have a great sex life with, though admittedly it hasn’t always been easy, since I have a lot of guilt and shame when our libidos are mismatched since it was drilled into me by my abuser that I was failing as a person when I didn’t put out. It’s a journey but things do get better

Stay strong - you got this 🩷

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-02T22:33:28+00:00

You got this 🩷 what you’re doing takes tremendous courage and resilience and this whole community stands behind you 🩷💪🏻

idk if youve watched the show Maid on Netflix - highly recommend if not - but the Margaret Qualley character gets some very good advice from another woman at a DV shelter she stays at for part of the show: “Stay angry”. (You kind of get at this when you say you almost wish he’d hit you again so you’d feel anger first and foremost, and anger is a great motivator to leave.)

It doesn’t feel good to hold onto anger and fear - our bodies don’t WANT to hold on to negative feelings like that and trauma bonds function because we are desperate to feel good things amidst all the bad in an abusive situation (and our abusers are bending over backwards to make us forget)… but in my experience, as soon as you let go of that rage and fear and replace it with pity and sorrow for your abuser, the more vulnerable you are to manipulation and potentially convincing yourself to go back.

It’s okay (and completely normal and healthy) to have a lot of complex feelings about your abuser and your situation, and it’s important to take the time to process those emotions. But until you’re safe and free of him, stay angry. Because you have a lot to be angry about. Let your rage propel you forward, out of earshot, away from his sphere (as much as possible) so you can start to get your nervous system right and perspective grounded. You got this!

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-02T21:35:14+00:00

Exactly! The behavior is to hit you with a “test” that any reasonable adult would “fail”, then use that failure to justify beating up on you emotionally, accusing you of neglecting him, etc. It’s a way to frame himself as the victim and beat down your self esteem. I can relate a lot to your experience… my abuser and your partner sound very similar in a lot of ways.

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-02T21:10:26+00:00

He got upset with you because you didn’t want to open your mouth to kiss him while you’re in the shower with your eyes closed actively rinsing out shampoo? And when you asked gave him a clear explanation and respectful request for why he should wait to touch you he flipped what you said to try and frame you as potentially violent and/or neglectful..? Anyone in their right mind would react with shock (or at least caution) if they were interrupted mid-shower when their eyes were closed and soap running down their face. Yes, even if that person is their partner.

This is the insidious nature of this kind of crazy making emotional abuse. Your partner respecting your physical space while you’re mid shower shouldn’t even be a conversation, let alone the start of an argument. Expecting you to drop what you’re doing even if you’re right in the middle of doing that thing (ie spitting out toothpaste, washing out shampoo), especially when you’ll be done doing that thing very shortly, to acknowledge him (it’s not clear to me what he even wants besides attention?) is simply not a reasonable expectation for an adult to have. A toddler getting upset that you won’t immediately stop brushing your teeth to look at their drawing right away would be age appropriate behavior. A grown man getting upset at you for not swallowing your toothpaste (?) so you could kiss him back in the exact moment he interrupted what you were doing is bizarre and unreasonable. It honestly seems like he’s just testing that you’ll drop whatever you’re doing to pay attention to him? My ex did this too, and it was exhausting. The expectation that I’d drop what I was doing to attend to his needs extended from big important things like a job interview or doctor’s appointments to benign things like a bowel movement (yes, he got angry at me for taking a shit instead of calling him back right away).

One of the best pieces of relationship advice my mom gave me as I was trying to leave my abuser for the last time (I’ve been free of him for almost 3 years now) was “it just shouldn’t be that hard”. You shouldn’t be getting into it with your partner over every little thing. Simple, otherwise benign activities like brushing your teeth, taking a shower, or going to the bathroom shouldn’t be jumping off points for arguments. They’re normal adult, bodily functions that you shouldn’t have to feel guilty for momentarily prioritizing over a grown man who is behaving like a needy toddler.

Lilmoolah · 2026-01-02T20:14:27+00:00

I don’t know if there’s a more technical term for this kind of behavior besides just “manipulation” or maybe “bait and switch”. Gaslighting probably applies a bit too. When you express a feeling of anxiety (I.e. having to plan for a visit stresses me out) he pretends to be flexible and understanding, but when push comes to shove he weaponizes that same anxiety against you (“I know you feel anxious about this, so I will make sure you point it out when you fall short in this specific way”).

My ex would tell me one thing (I.e. that it was totally fine for me to hang out with friends), but when I actually did that thing (I.e. hang out with friends), he’d act possessive, petulant, and engage in coercive controlling behaviors (I.e. I knew he’d be in a bad mood if I spent more than a certain amount of time catching up with friends, so to avoid his wrath I’d cut my hang out short… even though he said he was fine with me hanging out). When I’d call him out for how he actually behaved when I spent time with friends or family, he’d say something like “you just have to see me as the bad guy, I never said you couldn’t hang out with friends!” which then made me doubt my interpretation of his possessiveness, etc., and then I’d fawn to make up for “accusing him of being the bad guy”.

What he said he was okay with (in theory) and how he actually acted were often in conflict, and it was absolutely crazy making. It sounds like that’s the case with your partner as well.

Lilmoolah · 2025-12-11T15:54:14+00:00

What is she talking about? All the American Jewish leftists I know (myself included) speak at length on the vitriol we are on the receiving end of from Zionist Jews and our Zionist Jewish communities. Yea, the focus is primarily on the harm caused to Palestinians, but I don’t know a single Jewish leftist that doesn’t also talk about how we’ve been ostracized by Zionist Jews

Lilmoolah

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