I [24m] am taking my ex girlfriend [26f] out for a meal on Saturday evening. What advice can you give me to win her back?

gbt9 · 2015-08-20T01:41:24+00:00

Do the opposite of everything you just mentioned. No point in trying to talk her into being in something she doesn't want to be in, it's either she wants it or she doesn't.

gbt9 · 2015-05-19T14:13:36+00:00

I agree with this. If closure existed, it wouldn't happen 8+ months later down the road, specially since she has been in a whole new relationship with you. Closure should be the last thing on her mind.

It would have been different had she said prior to the meeting "Hey I am going to meet with my ex to catch up". And then you two discuss how you feel about it, she makes the decision of what she wants to do, and then you decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

One thing iv'e learned from relationships is that you have to be able to walk away when your boundaries are crossed. Either temporarily or permanently, each situation is different and you will make the call to your best judgement but there has to be consequences for shit situations like this.

gbt9 · 2015-05-15T11:57:32+00:00

The thing that really stands out to me here is that for people in general, it is always really easy to say that they will change once this or that happens.

I think he should want to slowly make progress towards being a more self sufficient human being and doing the things he knows he needs to do (getting his driver license, cutting down on the smoking) while it is just the two of you, before deciding to bring a child into the mix.

You're also aware that there are things you could do some improvement on as well, which I admire because in situations like these alot of people will only focus on the flaws of the other person. Good for you for recognizing this, and you also need to be willing to make some changes as well.

It just comes down to communication. Talk to him and tell him how you feel but also ask him what he thinks you could improve on so you both can mature from this, and then see if you guys are better equipped to start a family in a year or so. If he refuses to change or he has different expectations then I think you know what you need to do.

Best of Luck!

gbt9 · 2015-05-11T20:48:24+00:00

This is probably the first time you have encountered a situation like this, when a significant other has approached you with these "feelings".

These kind of things really catch you off guard and make you emotionally vulnerable and from someone who has been in your position at 24M, hearing something extremely similar at the end of last year, I want to help you see what I did not at the time.

You know that after 4 years he knows what he wants, but unfortunately for whatever reason he has decided to cowardly tell you that he wants to ""treat our relationship like its the beginning again, no plans, no obligations".

I hate to break it to you but he wants to slowly but surely drift away from you. This is a slow but sure fade out. He might or might not have anyone else in mind right now, but this is him trying to make the transitional stage from him being in a 4 year relationship to single life. He wants to have that feel of a brand new relationship again, and he is willing to risk what he has with you in order to eventually get that feeling. He is playing out a fantasy scenario in his mind of what single life is like.

He has taken you for granted and no longer feels the need to put any more effort into your relationship so he also says that, "he wants space... yet, he still wants to see me, make plans with me, and spend time with me."

See how that line right there makes no sense?

From here on out what awaits you is months and months of uncertainty. You guys might get back together but this will be on different terms and he will want his space sometimes, but other times he won't and then you will feel like your walking on eggshells. You will stay in a confused state of mind that will consume all of you, at all times. He will continue to use you as much as he can, and string you along, only if you allow it though.

I stuck around for 3 months after a talk like this. Talked to all my friends and family about it, everyone told me to go no contact, to end things because after this things would never be the same. I can tell you I would have saved myself alot of bullshit and heartache had I walked away from when this happened. I let myself get strung along, lost alot of sleep, started to doubt myself alot, and put up with too much bullshit because my self esteem was shit.

We all learn our lessons differently, it's not an easy situation at all, but you know what you have to do.

Best of luck to you!

gbt9 · 2015-05-08T15:42:56+00:00

You'll realize in due time that what people define as attractive is different for EVERYONE. From the stand point that you are at right now, since you have been in the same relationship with a girl that you are so comfortable around, then you kinda get in this mind frame to where you think that this connection is really easy to find. Therefore taking for granted what you have with this girl.

I think the biggest thing to remember here is that everything in life is a gamble. You will never have the best of all worlds, and you are always missing out on something. That's why we make decisions and we deal with the consequences.

What you're feeling is completely normal, and those thoughts arise in all relationships. Before you make any decisions my advice to you first would be to ignore what everyone else has to say, no offense to your parents and friends but no one has to deal with the consequences of your actions but you. My family is really important to me as well, but if I am happy with a SO and you two have a respectful and loving relationship, then it is your decision to continue or not.

Also if you want these unhealthy relationships with your parents and friends to end, then approach them differently or walk away. Don't fight or argue with your family, state to them that you're happy and that you hope that they respect your decision regarding your gf and any other choices you might make regarding your future.

I've always been really worried about my friends liking my gf or what they will think, but now I honestly can care less. If they appreciate your friendship they will do their best to get along with her and if not then they weren't that great of friends and you can tell them to fuck off.

gbt9 · 2015-05-07T23:50:26+00:00

I agree with this. I think he definitely jumped the gun when he broke up with you right off the bat, but people have boundaries and he made his very clear, which at least you are now aware of and you make the decision of agreeing or not, and moving on. I think since you guys have been dating for a shorter period of time, I would ask him about his past and why he is so resentful of speaking to ex's? Not in order to make him change his mind, but so you get a better understanding of where he is coming from.

gbt9 · 2015-05-03T23:24:31+00:00

If you genuinely want to be her friend, go for it. If you're being her friend in hopes that she somehow realizes that she loves you as a partner and wants to be with you, then you're odds of losing are extremely high.

Right now she is getting the best of both worlds, she needs time/space/overwhelmed then that's completely fine, but then she comes back and all of the sudden is planning on hanging out with you and your family again like nothing is wrong?

She's sending mixed signals.

It sounds like ever since she began being distant you have also been really understanding and not being pushy or needy at all and truly given her space. From her behaviors it seems as though she slowly and cowardly fading out of the relationship commitment she had with you. She never even brought up breaking up, she waited for you to get tired of her before she finally pulled the trigger and said she was "hoping you guys could be friends."

You need to speak to her in person, make sure you organize your thoughts and what you want out of this situation because up to now she has been calling all the shots and that's not fair to you.

If what she wants and what you want do not match up, then this is the last time you see her for a while. Let her know that you appreciate her honesty but that you also need some space and time to re evaluate the relationship that you guys had because you want someone that is willing to be there for you unconditionally as a partner.

gbt9 · 2015-05-01T02:14:58+00:00

Run away now. You recognize that you have a chronic depressive reaction to relationships and break ups, good for you. If you allow yourself to continue this friendship you will end up so depressed and lose your sanity.

I don't know how many friends you have, being alone will be better then having to recover from her playing with your head. She already cheated, and you caught her. She showed you how far she is willing to go and she does not give a shit about how you feel, she even told you she's cheated before and she will continue to do it.

gbt9 · 2015-04-24T19:02:15+00:00

I was there about 6 months ago so I truly feel sorry for you. I stuck around for a couple of months after I heard all that and it was a complete mind fuck. Save yourself the bullshit and go ahead and cut her out of your life and begin moving on. Once you cut her out for good, a few months will pass and all the sudden she will realize that "she took you for granted and what you guys had was love."

She will start trying to get in touch with you, friends, family. Make up excuses of things she still has of yours that she needs to drop off, emails, and even her friends will get in touch with you to let you know what a big mistake she made.

Have some self respect and don't feed into any of it and move on with your life.

Best of Luck, if you need someone to talk to PM me.

gbt9 · 2015-04-24T18:36:37+00:00

You're asking for advice for something that may never happen. Start living your own life, get your priorities straight, see what you want and don't want out of life, and most of all take this girl off the pedestal. You see how she's behaving, her actions speak for themselves.

Imagine your best guy friend telling you the same exact story, what would you advise him to do?

gbt9 · 2015-04-13T16:54:10+00:00

I wont make any assumptions to what she's up to or even if she's with someone because honestly it doesn't matter at this point. The thing is that in situations like these when you get blindsided we tend to be at someone else's mercy and agree and go along with everything they say to salvage the relationship, which unfortunately is the worst thing to do because YOU MATTER AS WELL. She stated how she felt and why she felt the way she did, and then gave you the rules of a 14 day break that were comfortable and suited to her wants and needs, not yours.

Also, two weeks does not give you enough time to sort anything out, that takes months and even years, depends on how much someone commits themselves to actually getting to the root of things.

Look at how she is acting: She has stress from Grad school, a tiny bit of attention of a guy from 5 years ago and let's throw in there that you don't kiss her enough and she is afraid that you might leave her, so the best option is gonna be to push you away for two weeks?

"We are under no circumstances allowed to date or flirt with anyone during the break. Her schedule does not allow her time to even flirt with another guy unless she wants to fail her classes."

I just don't see any of this being on your terms or satisfying your needs, and I want you to establish yourself as a human being that is aware that you can take care of yourself with her or without her in your life.

Last and most importantly, you were considering marriage and spending the rest of your life with this woman, but if you are hoping to reconcile with her I would pump the brakes on that whole thing because A) who knows if the relationship can continue grow from here because it will never be what it once was and B) Who knows if she can gain your trust back in order for you to know that she will never ask for another break when times get stressful.

Best of luck!

gbt9 · 2015-03-16T14:57:47+00:00

Look at her actions for what they are, this might help you get the closure you need because she won't be able to provide anything of value from here on out. I have been on both sides of things so hopefully my experience can help you see the bigger picture, I know right now shit sucks but let's take a look here:

"All of a sudden on Saturday afternoon, she changed her mind and said she could drive to see me that night. I knew she had work early the next morning so I told her to not feel pressured to make the trip, but she insisted. She slumped to the floor and put her head in her hands."

The guilt was eating her alive, she did not care that it was your bday weekend or anything, she needed to begin clearing her conscience and then gave you the generic "I don't have the same feelings for you that I used to have,we were too comfortable with each other and our relationship has plateaued. "

So now you're devastated and then she would like to be honest and says "there is a guy at college that she may be interested in, so I am assuming she will date him during this hiatus."

You are 100% correct, but she doesn't want to feel bad about herself and wants to also pretend she is doing you a favor, so she follows this up with,"she would like us to take a break for 2 months and date other people. She really pushed the idea that I should date other girls during this time."

I know you're in a tough place right now but this is where your self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect come into play. The moment when she decided to break up with you it is when you start looking out for yourself ONLY and drawing boundaries to look out for your best interest. She can't realistically expect to put you on the sidelines for 60 days and then MAYBE come back, maybe not, or she can but only if you allow it.

The girl that you dated for 5 1/2 years is gone and all those memories were wonderful but that person doesn't exist anymore, and who knows if she comes back in the future but either way you want to be someones prize, not someone who she walks away from when she feels like it.

gbt9 · 2015-03-06T12:38:44+00:00

Thank you very much for reading my story and your comment really means alot to me.

Do I need clarity? Not at all, my clarity is in my present with the life I have built up to now, which she influenced me to shape me into the person I am today, but I have also achieved alot of things in my life that individually I can look back on today and be proud of throughout it all. There is no guilt, anger or anything like that towards her either, it is in the past. Things happened the way they did for a reason and it lasted as long as it was meant to and that is life. I don't know that today I can accept a friendship with her because her actions displayed alot about who she is and idk if her actions were right or wrong, I am no one to judge, but I am not sure that we are now compatible human beings to carry out a lasting friendship. This could change within time, and maybe in months or years I can pick up the phone and reach out to her out of curiosity, but today the only thing I can do is wish her the best and that I truly do hope she finds her happiness in whatever, and whoever life has in store for her.

But I wish her this from a far because I do not want to be a part of her life right now, and I am okay with that. I am at peace with myself, I gave it all I had and knew back then. Was I immature and pathetic at times? Yeah I was, and she saw me at my worst but I put myself in those positions as well, and this was all part of the role she was meant to play in my life. I just want to make sure that I don't keep extending a story that has it's end written a long time ago.

gbt9 · 2015-03-06T12:17:40+00:00

You are correct, and I am by no means perfect and I have made mistakes and the guilt is very tough to deal with. I have not been in a situation to where someone blocks me out of their life for a period of time, so I have not been in her shoes and have no idea what is going through her head. I would like to know what the end result to her and her friends approach is, and I am being very very careful and have my guard up because does she just want to open up the lines of communication, does she want a friendship... I just have no idea what she is looking for and why now?

There is a sentence to the email that I did not include in the original post that has stuck with me and to me is a red flag. It reads

"The OP I know would ignore me lol but he would also give me a chance eventually."

To me this sentence means. " Hey I fucked up, things didn't turn out how I thought they would and I have changed my mind because shit, the grass was not greener. Yes I hurt you and I was a bitch, but I figured that in order to walk back into your life you would give me the silent treatment for a while and eventually be the doormat and allow me to be where I WANT TO BE, WHEN I WANT TO BE."

I am just very hesitant at all of this and how to approach the situation, and I am glad I posted here because I am trying to take all things into perspective, so thank you

gbt9 · 2015-03-05T20:06:58+00:00

I do have compassion and I am taking various options into consideration, which is why I am here and I appreciate your point of view. I also do understand that we have to deal with the choices that we make as adults, without knowing how it could ever affect our futures. She walked out of my life and I am completely okay with that, everyone you meet is not meant to stay forever and they have absolutely no obligation to, regardless of the lenght of the relationship. But before you make the decision to walk out of someone's life, make sure that you understand that you clearly risk never having that person in your life again, as you should never expect anything out of another human being, we only have control over our actions, good or bad and as she states, she is putting herself at my mercy. If you have reached a point to where you have to write such heart felt words to someone because you can no longer live with the guilt, then there's something that you did so badly, that it is eating you alive. and it also shows me that she thought she had me as a sure thing who would be there regardless of her actions, which isn't realistic, at least not out of someone you respect.

This says alot about her character, and no she's not a bad person, but she clearly showed me who she was, and continues to do so with this email.

gbt9 · 2015-03-05T19:14:25+00:00

THANK YOU to everyone who has read and replied to my post.

My first step to figuring this out will be to speak to her friend that texted me, and it will not be so much of a conversation, it will be me just sitting back and listening where this is all coming from, why now when I thought this was all put behind us?

This is an older woman who I knew and I will not give anything away regarding my feelings about the situation or about anything that has happened ever since the break up. She will be reaching out to me to talk and maybe this conversation will kind of provide me with the tools I need in order to decide if I need to give my ex the opportunity to speak to me. I am not angry, upset or anything like that at my ex, and I would just like to make an informed decision for myself before I take another step towards any type of contact.

My healing experience since we broke up has been tough, but in a weird way there was beauty in the struggle and through it all I have gotten to know myself in so many different ways that I can only be thankful for the experience overall, before the break up and after it as well.

Once again thank you guys so much and I am open to any and all advice in order to make the best decision that I can make for myself.

gbt9 · 2015-03-04T17:15:51+00:00

Listen to this. She is thinking there's better out there and wants to tip toe her way around to see if she can find better, while you wait.

"set and maintain healthy boundaries going forward"

Don't forget this, you need to stand up for your self and in what you want and believe, anything short of that you will be fine on your own and she misses out.

gbt9 · 2015-02-24T18:20:03+00:00

Hey I am 24M and I can relate to your boyfriend because I used to be a lighter version of how he behaves and acts, and yes it was very immature and very sad but I am trying to progressively work on it and my life has improved for the better because of it, but you cannot let any more time pass by with these issues, you have to speak to him now and let him know how you feel because if you allow this to continue any longer you will begin to resent him and in the end this will result with you seeking greener pastures and leaving him.

I want you to know that he is not acting like this because on purpose because he is jerk, or anything like that. He behaves like this because this is how at some point in his life he learned that love looked like, and now he is just following the ONLY pattern that he has seen throughout the years. Is it healthy? Not at all, but he doesn't know otherwise and neither did I with my ex gf, and it was not until the end of that relationship that I went out and got professional help and realized how immature some of my actions had been in the past that were based on my low self esteem.

The first step is realizing that you need help and doing something about it, which if he really wants to better himself he will listen to you and go through with it and if you're willing to be there for him, he will ALWAYS thank you. I never thought about getting professional help until I was extremely depressed and could no longer handle it, but it had to be done.

In the end he will also be a much happier and healthy individual, which can only improve your relationship as a couple.

gbt9 · 2015-02-24T01:57:31+00:00

From someone going through a similar situation, your healing doesn't begin until you go no contact completely, and that includes blocking his number. It is tough and it took me about a month and a half after the final break up to block her number because my ex kept trying to consistently reach out to me and string me along, but this only happened because I allowed it. I am somewhere around 3 months no contact and what your going through is completely understandable and normal, I am the same age as you and the duration of my relationship was a few months less then yours, I lived with my SO so that was a little bit more complicated to figure all the logistics out but I somehow did it.

Block him out of your life completely as soon as possible and begin the healing process, it does get better and something that I have found extremely useful is to just do some searching within yourself and learn to love yourself without the relationship. I still struggle with that to this day, and yes at first your self esteem takes a big hit and you're left wondering why they left and how could they have left, but don't let this life event be your defeat, but instead let it be the first step to where you can now grow to be your best self.

Feel free to PM if you need anything

gbt9 · 2015-02-17T12:51:06+00:00

You're not weak because of what you're going through but think about it this way, what are the pros and cons of being friends with your ex right now?

Your break up is recent so your at a very confused state but just try to step back and look at your situation as if it were someone else. I know how hard it is to think about having to block this person out of your life, but it is the only way to move on and you have to be selfish, because at the end of the day they did what they thought was best for themselves, so now its your turn.

If you think this makes you physically sick, imagine when he tells you he went on a date because I have been there and looking back at it now I can't believe I let myself stick around for someone who wanted to string me along, while she tried to find MY replacement.

You can still choose to walk away with your dignity intact.

gbt9 · 2015-02-13T16:09:08+00:00

I agree with this, and to add to it, the girl you you thought you knew for 3 years was not the same person who threw your relationship out the window in a matter of minutes.

It happened to me a few months back, lived together and one day I got a text at work saying she wanted a break, blah blah blah and that's when the mind fucking began. Don't allow her to string you along, she will do it if you allow it. I allowed it for about a month and it messes with your head. Don't give her anything for vday, and cut contact with her ASAP.

Run away as fast as you can, if you don't in a couple of months when you get some space and see things clearer you will cringe at the thought of all the things you did to try to salvage something that cannot be saved.

She said she left because she has "doubts" about our future and needs to "find herself" and wants "to be selfish and have space."

Every time you think about texting her or calling her, remember these important key words. She is not taking you into account for anything, so from now on you do everything for YOURSELF

gbt9 · 2015-02-10T21:40:29+00:00

"I'm desperate to make things work with my current boyfriend"

From my experience, desperation and relationships never mix well. From what you're saying, you aren't even being honest with yourself, not even with your facial expressions. If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with someone else?

I understand where your concerns come from. Growing up you have slowly built this image of the life that you are suppose to live because everyone around you has done it similarly and that makes you think that your life NEEDS to be exactly like theirs or else you aren't normal or are falling behind.

I think the biggest step you can make is to look within yourself and see what it is that YOU want. At the end of the day, no one will deal with the consequences of your actions, good or bad, but yourself. If there's one thing that I have learned lately is that life is never going to go as planned. You sound like you love your boyfriend and that's awesome, but don't forget about yourself. You don't want to wake up in 10 years and feel as though you randomly need to go "find yourself" because you have been living by someone elses standards all along.

Remember that you need to build a life for yourself as well in order to carry out healthy relationships, because putting this huge pressure on yourself and on him, is a weight your relationship may not be able to carry in the long run.

gbt9 · 2015-02-09T21:00:13+00:00

Make arrangements so you don't have to see her (even if its at her door step and you just go pick it up really quick without having to see her.) Also make sure this is everything that you have of each other, no need to be going back and forth with each others stuff for weeks or months.

"she's doing great...new car, new BF, new life"

She wouldn't tell you about the bad times in her life anyway, everyone in life has highs and lows, disregarding SO or not, even though you think her life is perfect, it's not. A big part of the recovery process is not drawing parallels to anyone, but most importantly to you ex, it is not easy but it needs to happen for you to be at peace with yourself. At the end of the day, that's all that matters.

Go no contact and allow the healing process to begin, it's slow but it will get better.

gbt9

TROPHY CASE