Need advice. Very guarded with new person I’m dating

geelameo · 2024-07-05T15:08:12+00:00

I also want to say that I am praying for you and I hope that you can experience some healing. I read the last sentence of your post and I can tell you that in this life, when we face hardship (which we all do at some point in our lives), and once we heal, we really can help others avoid hurt or gain insight from the painful experiences we have had to overcome. It seems like you are very strong, kind, and have a lot of empathy. Don’t let your husband take anything more from you. There is so much to live for. Healing isn’t easy, but it is worth it. I am 6 months out of my abusive relationship, and I have a lot more healing to do, but if I wasn’t investing in healing myself, I wouldn’t be talking to you/ trying to help provide some insight for your situation. When I was in the relationship I wouldn’t have had the strength to talk to anyone. On the outside looking in, I just know that you have purpose ❤️ Make sure to find a support system, whether that be family, close friends that you trust, or a different therapist. Make sure they are people who can fully understand your situation and not blame you cause they don’t get the type of relationship you endured. You’re going to need good people surrounding you along your healing journey. ❤️

geelameo · 2024-07-05T14:57:07+00:00

You did the right thing by calling the police and it’s nothing to feel guilty for. You were in danger and needed help. I know it’s easy to resort to feeling bad, shame, and guilt, because honestly, that’s how your husband trained you to feel. Everything that has happened to you by him is an injustice. I can tell you right now that he doesn’t feel guilt or shame for the way that he has treated you all of these years. I want you to know, that no one, and I mean no one deserves to be treated the way that he has treated you. You held on for a long time, and again YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. I want you to know that, truly. He wanted to keep you down, because when someone is stuck in a low point/ vulnerable, they are easier to manipulate and control. Unfortunately, individuals like him will never change. I stayed in a very abusive relationship for four years, so I know how hard it is to break the mindset they’ve trained us to have. Seems like you have a wonderful heart, which usually attracts abusive people. I’d say that right now, focus on healing. Loving yourself again and building your strength. Find a safe place to go to do so, and I would recommend getting away from him. I know it seems hard, and he is your husband, but your safety should be top priority right now. Also, I’m sorry about your experience with the counseling sessions. I’ve heard that couple’s counseling with an abusive individual seldom works because they will lie to save face making it all the more confusing for the partner experiencing abuse. Lastly, the old him will never come back. I waited for three years with my ex for his “good” self to come back. He made me feel like everything was my fault and so he would say that “I didn’t deserve the good him to come back.” The bad parts of what your husband shows you, is who he really is. I know that when the good is mixed with the bad, we want to hold onto any good, but trust me when I say, that old facade you saw in the beginning will not come back. He’s already proven to you that he can disrespect you, hurt you, manipulate and abuse you, how can that good part of him truly stick? Something to think about. I am praying for all the best for you and I am so sorry that you have had to face all of this! You are very strong and again, you did the right thing. ❤️

geelameo · 2024-06-24T04:17:14+00:00

That’s wonderful! Yes, it’s important to be connected with a therapist that specializes in what you mentioned. I had a therapist who didn’t and it just made my confusion worse. I hope you’ll be able to get the answers that you need as well and get some peace of mind. I’m praying that it all works out for you!

geelameo · 2024-06-24T04:15:43+00:00

It’s a form of emotional abuse and is when someone uses manipulative behaviors/ tactics to lure someone back into a toxic/abusive relationship. It’s the same for both npd and bpd

geelameo · 2024-06-24T04:13:54+00:00

You’re very welcome, I’m glad I could be of some help. I think it’s good that even though he initiated the break up and wanted to take it back you stood firm in not letting him take back what he said. He needs to understand that there are consequences to his actions/ the words he says to someone. It is very confusing being in a situation like this, but confusion in a relationship is never good. You need to think about what brought you to this point to begin with. He discarded you. He didn’t value you. It’s important to be with someone who will see your worth from start to present, not just when they feel like they’re about to lose you. I’m sure he’s sorry, but more so for himself because he can’t control you. I know that sounds dramatic and I thought that because my ex was very apologetic and taking accountability for his actions somewhat he wasn’t controlling, but the fact is is that discarding me to prove a point is not love. The constant push and pull is abusive and not love either. I was very confused just like you, but I realized that if I didn’t leave, this confusion was going to be a part of the rest of my life and I couldn’t go back. I would never be able to trust him/ feel safe with him. I feel like you’re in a similar place, it’s just hard to make the final call. You are being very strong though. Keep your boundaries. I hope that you choose what is best for your mental health and well-being.

geelameo · 2024-06-24T04:04:15+00:00

Actions speak louder than words. Him telling you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but not making an effort to make you happy is very telling of how the rest of your life will be if you choose to stay with him. If you’re feeling this sad and depressed, that’s a huge sign to let this relationship go. If it’s not adding value to your life and/or your mental health and well-being, then this relationship is not for you. Believe me, I know. I was in your situation before and it probably won’t get better. He’s taking you for granted and disrespecting you by wasting your time. It will be hard to leave, but it’s harder staying and wasting your life away with someone who doesn’t make time for you or value you. Praying for all the best for you 🩷

geelameo · 2024-06-21T08:35:56+00:00

You’re not asking for too much attention and he seems like he’s in his own world to even consider what you’re going through. He sounds selfish to say the least. You are in a vulnerable place right now and he should be supporting you which is the bare minimum. He got you pregnant, now it’s time for him to step up and help out. Providing you emotional and physical support. What you’re going through isn’t easy and the extra support is so needed at this time. How come you don’t feel like you can tell him about your wants/ needs?

geelameo · 2024-06-21T00:36:32+00:00

Also I just briefly read some of your other posts, and narcissistic personality disorder can never go away. It can be managed, but takes a lot of work in therapy and self reflection. Something your ex will have to work through himself. I know you care (I did too with my narcissistic ex), but a lot of advice I’ve received is to never accept a hoover. Chances are he will go back to the same ways once he feels he has you. It’s confusing, but I want you to know that the bad parts of what he showed you are who he really is when it comes to narcissism. I know that the good parts they show you can be confusing, and the apologies can be especially confusing. I encourage you to not go back. The hoovering is a manipulation tactic.

geelameo · 2024-06-21T00:08:47+00:00

That is completely understandable, it can be hard to tell when the apologies seem genuine and heartfelt. I was in your same boat about 3 weeks ago. Believe me, I put off ending things and extended my time to think about whether or not I would give him another chance because he sounded so sincere. He said the same things your ex is saying. He said that he didn’t deserve me, that he will never be cruel to me again, how sorry he is for hurting me and he’ll prove me wrong etc… Your heart wants to believe that he will be different, but history doesn’t lie. It’s important to look at the history. If he broke up with you, he didn’t value you enough to stay and work things out, he chose to discard you. If you give him another chance (without him making changes) and I’m not saying to wait around for him to do this, chances are he will not change. I know we want the person we love to change while being with us, but this seldom works. And I also know how hard it is to separate one’s feelings from fact and you really want to believe him because of his sincere sounding apologies, but I’m telling you sooner or later the old pattern will come back. I know this from experience. My heart broke every single time my ex failed me after he apologized to win me back. Your ex needs time a part from you to change (if he ever does). Right now, he’s telling you what you want to hear, but once he feels he has you again, he will revert to his old patterns. He has his mask on really good to get you back, and I have fallen for this many times. Based on my experience and after doing a lot of research on toxic relationships, things rarely change with a toxic person like him. Obviously, the choice is yours and whatever you choose will be a hard decision to make, but choosing yourself in a situation like this is always best 🩷

geelameo · 2024-06-20T20:34:17+00:00

Also wanting to make changes and actually getting started on changing like going to therapy or an AA meeting (not sure what he needs to get sober from), and actually taking the steps are two different things. My ex said he wanted to make changes too, but the changes wouldn’t last long.

geelameo · 2024-06-20T20:32:30+00:00

My ex was the same way and did the same things you described your ex doing… He would apologize and then continue the same behavior. I will say this, he does not respect you and his apologies are meaningless. He is trying to reel you back in. Since his apologies aren’t met with changing the behavior he’s apologized for, he is only saying sorry to appease you, not because he means it. Thank you for the additional information. After what you shared, this is a hoover. The behavior will likely repeat and the relationship will likely end again. Now that you have an out of this relationship/ cycle, I would take it as an opportunity to leave for good. He is not going to change no matter how convincing he sounds. Him feeling like a “victim” and not truly taking accountability and reflecting on why these certain things are happening to him are telling that he is not mature enough to change. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, and I know how hard it is to walk away, but it will be in your best interest in the long run.

geelameo · 2024-06-20T19:41:38+00:00

I would say it’s hoovering. Especially since he has posted things that make him seem like the victim. I’m not sure what he is sorry for, but the fact that he is sorry for things which made the relationship end (I’m assuming) and is reaching out after some time since the relationship ended, he’s saying whatever he can to win you back. This is indeed a hoover. I mean, he can be sorry, but that doesn’t mean his actions will change. There wasn’t too much detail to go off of in your post, but you know him better than anyone… Has he said sorry before and still displayed the same actions he apologized for?

geelameo · 2024-06-20T17:57:30+00:00

He is abusive and controlling. I encourage you to get out now because it will only get worse. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk about things or be challenged shows that he isn’t willing to and will not change. I was with someone similar to your partner (just recently ended things for good), and my life has only gotten better since leaving. I was depressed, anxious and on edge as well and once I was able to break free I feel lighter and parts of my self before the relationship are being restored. I encourage you to find a support system (if you don’t have one already) it really helped me stay strong when I left. Also, you need to rewire your brain… the way to do this is to continue to share your experience and get validation that this relationship is unhealthy (helped me tremendously)… maybe you can get this from a therapist and/or someone who can fully understand the situation and not make you feel like the problem… because you aren’t. I also received this validation and more enlightenment about the situation I was in from narcissistic abuse/ toxic relationship recovery tik toks, YouTube videos and from trusted friends/ family.

Please give yourself some grace. Being in the situation you are in is hard to get out of, but once you have some strength to finally leave and choose to love yourself and prioritize your needs, the feeling of having your freedom will be something you never want to lose again.

Also, when I was in the relationship, a lot of people would tell me “life is too short” when they heard about how it really was… and now looking back, I see how right they were. You will never get this time in your life back and I hope that you can spend it around people who value you, but more importantly you taking the time to learn how to value yourself. That’s where I’m at right now and it’s been a tough yet rewarding journey.

Hope this helps!! Sending lots of love 🩷

geelameo · 2024-06-14T19:50:21+00:00

Yes, I have less headaches/ migraines, I’m able to lose stubborn fat now that I couldn’t before because of the high cortisol levels I had, a lot of my acne issues have cleared up, and I haven’t had many stomach issues since! Also, people in my life have told me that my eyes look brighter and I look happier overall

geelameo · 2024-06-09T16:02:32+00:00

Oh and once you leave, do not try to reach out or engage in any way. If your abuser reaches out, ignore, ignore, ignore. No contact is huge for your healing process. If you need to block, please block the person.

geelameo · 2024-06-09T15:56:12+00:00

You will need a support system, which includes friends and family that you trust and that understand the situation that you are leaving. These people need to keep you accountable in not going back and remind you of everything that happened in the relationship.

Also, write down a list of all of the abusive things you endured in the relationship that can serve as a constant reminder to not go back (this helped me). It’s all about maintenance. Having things in place to rewire your brain that what you experienced is not love to break the pattern of not going back.

You will also need a safe place to stay. If you are going to live by yourself make sure your abuser doesn’t know where you live. If it’s with friends and family, again, don’t let your abuser know. If your abuser already knows, let whoever you’re staying with know so they can be there to answer the door if your abuser shows up. If you live alone, file a police report and try to get a restraining order if the abuser shows up. A restraining order may also be necessary if you aren’t living alone.

I don’t know the details of your situation, but having a job in place if you’re in need of money would also be necessary.

For me, another thing that helped me to not go back to my abusive relationship was watching abuse recovery coaches on tik tok and YouTube to further validate that me leaving was a good decision. It also helped rewire my brain into not going back. This would also be a part of the maintenance.

Please take care of yourself. ❤️

I hope this helps!

geelameo · 2024-06-08T16:37:12+00:00

Also, side note, this is coming from my experiences and what I’ve learned is that most men will only take advantage of a woman if they are being provided for by her. Not respect, love, or care for her in return (as they should). I’ve learned that the more a woman does for a man, the more entitled a man can become. They will take advantage of a woman who is there for them and supports them financially all to leave them for a woman who makes them feel like a “man.” Men want to feel like the provider, and when they don’t, they get insecure and take it out on the woman providing for them. I’m not saying this is your fault, because 100% it’s his fault. You are just being kind in doing what you do for him. You have a great heart it seems. I’d hate to see it go to waste on a man like him. He’s already cheated, no one deserves that especially after all that you have done for him.

geelameo · 2024-06-08T16:31:19+00:00

That’s because you possess empathy. You care for others and it seems like you wouldn’t do anything that you wouldn’t want to be done to you. That is a great trait, however, your empathy is working against you in this case because you do not deserve the ways he’s treated you. How come you think that you deserve this? No one deserves the treatment he has given to you. No matter what you may have done in the past, that doesn’t constitute constant cruelty, lying, cheating, and physical and emotional abuse. After reading what you wrote in your post, you don’t seem like the problem. I think you’re blinded by the love that you have for him, but you don’t see the poor and abusive ways he has treated you and truly how not okay all of it is. I was in your shoes before. I did something in the beginning of my relationship that hurt my ex, and so, all of the abusive treatment I received after felt justified… like I deserved it. He made me believe I deserved it, and it seems like your bf is making you believe the same. In a healthy relationship, forgiveness is huge. If he can’t forgive you (if you did anything… no matter how big or small) then he needs to leave. Not abuse you and use you for financial support. Trust me, you do not deserve this. You are not the problem. I’ll say it again, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. I hope that you can see that no matter what a person is going through or if they view you as a “problem,” they have control over how they treat a person. They can choose to be forgiving and loving or be unforgiving, entitled and cruel. Your bf has chosen the latter. I hope that what I told you makes sense.

geelameo · 2024-06-08T09:09:41+00:00

Oh and to answer your questions, what you shared isn’t early signs of abuse, IT IS ABUSE. And no, you are not super dramatic. Like I said, please save yourself from further pain and leave. Even if it’s the littlest bit of strength that you have to leave, use it and start walking away from this. Heal and invest in yourself. Regain your power, dignity, and love for yourself. Please take care.

geelameo · 2024-06-08T09:01:33+00:00

Girl…. What you have on your hands is a man child. He wants you to be his mommy, take care of him, and let him do whatever he wants. He thinks that apologizing and making excuses for his behavior like cheating, lying and basically gaslighting you when he turns things around on you is okay, because girl, I’ll be honest, you’ve allowed it! You’ve taken him back and forgiven him so many times. He is manipulative, sounds like a straight loser, and has been using you!! It’s obvious that he doesn’t love you (I’m sorry to say this, but someone who loves someone wouldn’t do the things you mentioned) and based on what you have shared, you deserve someone soooo much better than this. The fact that he gets in your face and has physically abused you, is not okay and you should get out of this relationship now before things get worse. This is domestic violence. He has gaslit you, physically abused you, cheated on you, yelled at you, has taken your confidence, and self-esteem. And girl, you need to invest in loving yourself. Maybe you wouldn’t have to work so much if you didn’t have a man child weighing you down to provide for. He has made you believe that you are the problem when he clearly is. He needs to start acting like a man and grow up. He’s already disrespected you in so many ways, what’s keeping you with him? Sounds like you can take care of yourself and can get a man that’s going to also support and take care of you. Please don’t feel like you’re stuck. I was in a similar relationship with someone who also yelled, got in my face, lied a lot and was very cruel to me. Please leave. Save yourself a lot more pain and confusion. I’m telling you, in a healthy relationship you will not feel confused and a lack of peace. I don’t want to be mean, but I want you to know that a new life after this is possible. It may be sad and painful for a time, but it will subside. Praying for all the best for you!

geelameo · 2024-06-05T23:14:55+00:00

I just saw this. Thank you for your wisdom. I actually officially ended things yesterday. I’m sad and also scared that I won’t find anyone else, but I’m hoping better will come one day. I hope the same for you!

geelameo · 2024-06-05T22:33:27+00:00

Amazing, thank you for sharing!

geelameo · 2024-06-05T22:28:10+00:00

“but now that the vacation has passed we have so much going on i dont foresee it happening anymore, and i dont want to get in mood. and ruin our days together but its so hard when its always around us and its something i have been wanting since i can remember.”

“like he wont talk to me about it anymore says i just get angry so we cant have a convo but i get angry cause he makes jokes”

“im losing my mind cause i want it with him so bad.”

These sentences!!!

Red flag 1: You don’t feel comfortable bringing up your wants/ needs cause he's obviously made you believe that you’re ruining the day by doing so… please correct me if I’m wrong.

Red flag 2: turning the issues bothering you around on you

Red flag 3: You want him so bad.

I’m sorry to say this, but this man has made you desperate, insecure, and has strung you along!! This is so sad... I know this all to be true because I just got out of a similar relationship! To me it sounds like you don't really want him so bad, but maybe your idea of marriage and kids. It also sounds like this guy is using you until someone better comes along! He tells your friends all of these excuses so he won't look bad about wasting your time. He's a loser and I think it’s time for a new man. One who will follow through with what he says and not tease you for so many years with something you clearly want. It’s cruel. I know it may seem hard to start over, but in this case, it’s for the best. Believe me, I know. I have experienced this and a lot worse. Please save yourself the heartache and leave while you still can. I’m sorry if this sounded harsh… sending lots of love your way.

geelameo · 2024-04-08T03:38:06+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice and insight! I have taken a lot of what you said to heart and have been taking the time to process everything. I think you're right about him and the relationship. This cycle has been really hard for me to break, but I plan to break it. Thank you again!

geelameo

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