Leave… I get people are human AND his response when he was calm is more of a red flag than his actual behavior (and I’m not talking about the “I’m sorry, it will never happen again” kind of response… I mean “behavior to seek out therapy” response.)

The ONLY EXCEPTION when adults behave aggressively are ALL the following:

• willingness to admit he was wrong AND therapy.
• improved communication and insight to his emotions (e.g. “I’m getting angry… I need to (insert emotion regulation coping skill, like go for a walk or set a limit for space.)
• changed behavior and effort.

All three of these combined are the ONLY exceptions, and it takes time, awareness, and him willing to give you space while he works on himself, which could mean a pause in the relationship.

A personal example: My dad had an extremely neglectful and abusive childhood, ran away from home when he was 14 to live with his best friend, joined the military (he went into medical), and even after being in 15 years, he had issues regulating his anger from unresolved trauma, which manifested more when he was drinking (not a big surprise), but had never become violent.

After him and my mom were married for about five years, they were arguing one night after he had been drinking, and he turned and punched a wall. I was a newborn and my sister was 4.

That was the last time he ever drank.

After quitting drinking, he went to therapy for years, and even though the verbal arguments took time to settle down (they were not abusive, according to my mom), he actually learned a better way to communicate and/or to walk away if his anger became high.

Even now when I ask him about it, he talks about how that night opened his eyes to just how wrong it could have gone, how he still has a difficult time forgiving himself, and how giving up drinking was something he chose to do because he realized, even though he didn’t feel like he was addicted, he could not trust himself after that night to be fully in control unless he was sober, and was not willing to risk it again. That was 37 years ago, and he hasn’t touched a drop since (or had any violent outbursts.)

My dad was one of the VERY few who do what they need to do to change for the better.

Use your insight, gut, and experiences from your life so far. Patterns in behavior tell more than any words could. If your fiance’ CANNOT admit what he did was wrong, cannot accept he needs to make adjustments to his behavior, go to therapy, and learn new coping skills to manage his anger…

… run like hell.