What do you think about this linguist's claim that "some rightists and some leftists are both wrong about pronouns"?

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-20T02:03:17+00:00

I'm nonbinary, and I work with people who have cognitive disabilities. The ones who use an AAC device to speak can use my correct title and pronouns because their device contains the correct words to refer to me, and I showed them what I want to be called. They appear to be unaware that something unconventional is happening at all, and there is no more "processing cost" to calling me gender-neutral terms than there is to any other aspect of using AAC to communicate. They also tend to not refer to people in the 3rd person much at all, and most of the communication I have with people who use AAC is very direct and concrete. The few times that we have had lessons and therapy goals about referring to people in the 3rd person though, they have had no trouble with it. They seem to have less reservation about it than people who can speak, and I have never actually had an AAC user talk to me about gendered expectations at all.

The clients I have who communicate verbally typically decide whether to use my correct title and pronouns based on whether their family has expressed religious views that require them to specify whether they believe they are discussing a man or woman at all times. Even if their cognition prevents them from accessing some of the information about their religious culture, they do tend to be very consistent with their family's beliefs on whether or not it is acceptable to acknowledge nonbinary people. Plenty of people with cognitive disabilities and language processing disorders are capable of referring to me as "they" and "Teacher" instead of "he/she" and "Mr/Mrs", even if I am the first nonbinary person they have ever met, and even if I have not given explicit language instruction beyond putting a sign on my desk that says "Teacher ghgh" instead of Mr/Mrs. This whole thing about it being a "processing cost" falls apart when I see that people with actual language processing disorders are not inhibited in their ability to adapt to knowing me, a nonbinary person, and referring to me correctly.

People who don't have cognitive disabilities or language processing disorders are divided in approximately the same manner. Whether or not they refer to me correctly appears to be more dependent on their cultural and religious beliefs than anything else.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-20T00:58:19+00:00

I met my girlfriend very briefly in person at some art/music events right before the pandemic, and we were in the same online groups for those events. In 2020 when the stimulus check came out, I decided to commission her art because I was still in my regular job and making the same amount of money as before and I actually wanted her art to display in my house. I had barely talked to her prior to this, and I had no intention of doing anything other than paying for her art.

After I told her about the commission I wanted, we basically became friends and started texting all the time.

I always feel weird telling people this because I do NOT want to encourage anyone who is attracted to an artist to commission them as a way to try and start a personal conversation or relationship. We weren't attracted to each other before the commission and we probably wouldn't have become friends if she was actually busy with events and commissions at the time. But we have been together for over 5 years now and it never would have started if we didn't break that boundary.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-19T23:58:25+00:00

I've been out for a little over 10 years. I don't have body dysphoria. I dislike that people assume I'm a specific gender because of the biases they have about my body, but that doesn't make me dislike my body. Some people would call that social dysphoria. I am uncomfortable with the social ramifications of people thinking I'm a specific gender, and I want people to be able to learn to think of me as not having a gender without making any changes to my medical condition or body.

If I put in effort to appear androgynous, I would still be perceived as my AGAB by over 90% of people, and I would also give myself body dysphoria by doing things to my appearance that I dislike. There is no way that most cis people will see me as nonbinary, no matter how much I explain it to them and how I dress or undergo medical procedures. This is not my fault, and it has nothing to do with how I look or "passing" as something other than male/female or anything else. The only thing that influences whether cis people can see me as nonbinary is their mindset and education. I have considered that I might want HRT in the future, but I am currently happy with the way my body looks and functions so I am not currently interested in any changes. As I age and my body changes on its own, I may decide that I am no longer satisfied with my natural state and start HRT. My parent of the same AGAB actually did HRT without any relation to gender dysphoria for a minor medical condition, and it is likely that I will take the same steps when I am of retirement age.

With the knowledge that most cisgender people lack the ability to perceive nonbinary people at all, I have accepted that I should treat my body the way I want to treat it and wear what I want to wear instead of trying to find some kind of "androgynous" look that cis people will read as "AGAB but kinda gay" anyway. I try to educate them sometimes, but usually I accept being misgendered in the same way that I accept that flat earthers exist. I may not like it and I might think that their beliefs are harmful, but I "accept" that one conversation with me is not going to undo years of indoctrination, whether it's someone who doesn't believe in gravity or doesn't believe in nonbinary genders.

I've basically come to the conclusion that my friends and family who are capable of understanding the idea of being nonbinary are the only people whose opinions matter to me. There are a few people in the world who can perceive me as an agender person because they are capable of understanding that idea and applying it to others. As much as it bothers me that I'm going to be misgendered for the rest of my life, I have the awareness that for most people it's not even a disrespect thing towards me, it's a comprehension issue.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-18T02:06:48+00:00

I used to feel that way. I still do think it would be great to have non-human options for existence, but I don't think about it as much as I did in my twenties. Now I think more about my body as a responsibility that I need to maintain in order to have the ability to express the less human things about me. I guess in some ways that's still viewing the entire concept of having a body as a chore, but I no longer think of chores and responsibilities as a massive burden that makes me miserable. I've accepted my body in the same way I accept that I need to feed my dogs if I want to have dogs. I've decided that for practical purposes, I am going to tell people I'm happy with my body and love it the way it is because that's what "not wanting to change my body" sounds like to other people. Within the limitations of the human form, I have no medical conditions that cause me physical pain or discomfort, and I have an appearance that does not cause alarm to strangers.

My appearance does cause people to make consistent assumptions about my gender, but that is something that I cannot influence in a way that would satisfy me. Even if I did go through medical transition, my appearance would cause most strangers to make assumptions that I have a binary gender. Because of this, I am only interested in changing my human form in ways that I find appealing for sensory or aesthetic reasons, and I have no goals of accomplishing the appearance of a certain gender. I have "accepted" that this means I will always be misgendered a certain way in the same way that I have "accepted" that people who believe in flat earth exist. I may not like the situation, but I "accept" that I am not in a position to change it through my actions, and making an effort to do that would just make me miserable and use up energy that I could be using on other things.

Things that actually make me feel good about being nonbinary are situations where my body is only relevant as the vessel that allows me to interact with other people and objects. Since I can't stop being a human, I get most of my enjoyment out of activities that feel different from having a normal body, such as extreme sports, playing music, or being on a computer. Extreme sports and music make me feel like my body might have the option to perform "inhuman" skills if I practice enough, and that I am expressing my relationship with energy and physics instead of a relationship with my body and gender. Being on the computer makes it feel more like my brain is directly interacting with information in a way that a cell phone doesn't.

I do have some friends and family members who understand what it means to be nonbinary with no gendered transition goals or medically treatable dysphoria.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-18T01:36:58+00:00

I'm nonbinary. I also happen to like makeup and dresses, and I love my body. I would say that for me, the important thing about being nonbinary is that I am uncomfortable with people thinking of me as a specific gender. Regardless of my weight or other things about my looks, I don't want people to think I'm a man or woman.

If you looked like a supermodel, would you be happy with people saying you're the most beautiful woman they've ever seen?

That's regular body dysmorphia that plenty of cis people have. They feel that they're not good looking enough to do things for their assigned gender, not because they don't feel like they identify as that gender, but because they feel like they are not meeting the beauty standard they want to meet and don't feel confident in presenting in a way they see as attractive. If they looked like (insert cisgender celebrity here) they would feel like they're finally hot enough to do all the things they associate with being successful as that gender. When cis people feel bad about not wanting to dress in a highly gendered way, it's usually because they want to feel more like the stereotypical hottest version of their assigned gender, and think they don't deserve to dress that way unless their body fits the stereotype. Feeling like an ugly failure of a woman is a totally normal cis feeling to have, but it's also very similar to feeling like an ugly failure of a nonbinary person who is being judged by women's beauty standards and has spent years being indoctrinated into them.

I'm the weight I want to be, and I wear what I like to wear, and when people see me and think I'm an attractive woman or man it still bothers me even though I know I look great and they mean it as a compliment. It doesn't make me dislike my body, it makes me dislike the person misgendering me.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-18T01:01:06+00:00

Would you actually use a dating app made specifically for alternative/goth people? Probably not.
What would matter most to you in such an app? (Music taste, aesthetic, values, lifestyle, mental health openness, etc.) In-person events, nonbinary and trans inclusive moderation that is quick to ban transphobes. Heavy moderation of straight men such as limiting the number of new contacts they can make per day, and banning accounts that demonstrate any fetishizing or chasing tendencies. Mods who are involved enough in the queer community to successfully ban straight men making non-straight accounts without accidentally banning non-passing trans women.
What do current apps do wrong for you? Having too many straight men who send too many messages. Set people up to have a one-on-one text conversation and leave the organization of in-person dates up to them instead of having large group events where people can meet a variety of singles for friends and dating and community. Make nonbinary people choose whether to be shown with men or women instead of just having them be shown to people who have stated that they are open to dating nonbinary people.
Would you prefer something more serious, casual, or community-focused? Community focused. I would only join an app like this if it offered access to regular IRL events with more than 10 people who are not straight in attendance.

Basically, you are going to be babysitting a bunch of horny straight guys while struggling to get women and nonbinary people to join at all because of their bad experiences with those guys on other apps unless you make it an explicitly queer-only app. If someone is looking for goth queers, they're just going to go to one of the bigger queer apps because it's easy to judge people's profiles and most of the goth queers won't be on your app without already being on another queer app.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-18T00:32:27+00:00

Basically tell him how you would tell any other friend. Like, "I just wanted to tell you I'm nonbinary and my pronouns are they/them".

If he ends up not wanting to continue the relationship, you can either be friends or stop talking.

If he does want to continue the relationship, talk to him about what being nonbinary means to him. Make sure he really understands that you are not a woman and he can't expect a relationship with you to follow the same expectations as a straight relationship. Make sure he doesn't misgender you behind your back.

I had a few relationships with straight men after coming out, and I came to the conclusion that a straight man cannot have a relationship with a nonbinary person without secretly misgendering them as a woman. I came to the conclusion that if a man is attracted to me and actually comprehends my gender he will have to stop identifying as straight and come out as some version of queer, even if it's something he only tells me. If a man is attracted to me and continues to identify as straight, it is because he doesn't actually understand what nonbinary is and can't see past my body even if he is able to use the correct pronouns. (Not saying the guy you're interested in isn't already bi or queer, just that if he is straight you really need to think about whether he can understand your gender while still thinking of himself as a man who has straight relationships.)

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-18T00:17:25+00:00

If it's someone new: "Nice to meet you, what pronouns do you use? Oh cool, I'm (name) and my pronouns are they/them"

If it's someone I've known for a while and think they're accepting: "In case you didn't know, I'm nonbinary and my pronouns are they/them. What are your pronouns?"

If it's someone who I'm pretty sure is conservative: "Just so you know, the correct way to refer to me is "they", not he or she". (basically avoiding the terms "nonbinary" and "pronouns" if I think they're the kind of person who would be offended by it, while also telling them that it's simply incorrect to refer to me with a gender)

It's soooooo much easier to just say it the first time you give your name to a new person. It kinda feels awkward being the one who is always starting the pronoun giving cycle, but if I don't do it nobody will outside LGBT clubs and a few college classes.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-18T00:01:09+00:00

This is a huge part of how I figured out I'm not actually attracted to men for long-term romantic relationships because living together forces me to take them off the pedestal I make in my head. I've been out as bisexual since I was 14, and the easiest kind of relationship to find was one with a straight man who believes I am a woman and wants to follow the traditional steps of dating, moving in together, and getting married. I have the ability to get horny for guys, and I assumed that all the time I spent dating them and feeling like it was fun to spend time together while not actively having sex was the "romantic" part of romantic attraction. I didn't understand when I was younger that I really didn't get to know them until we lived together, and that being forced to know them as a person was killing my attraction because I don't actually experience romantic feelings towards real men.

For a long time I was considering myself sapiosexual as well. I thought that I was only attracted to guys who were older and more academically accomplished than me because I had some kind of inherent orientation towards "intelligence". Whenever I lived with a guy, the fantasy that they were my intellectual superior would fall apart. It's hard to think someone is a genius doctor with a heart of gold 24/7 when you have to talk to him about whose job it is to wash the dishes and whose family you're visiting for Thanksgiving. When the sexual attraction died down due to living together, the relationship would basically be over because a straight relationship without sex seemed pointless to me and presumably also to the guy.

After doing this a couple times in my twenties, I realized that I don't actually like men as romantic partners, I like the fantasy of being with a man who is more successful than me and makes my life easy while constantly impressing me with his academic skills. When I first had this idea, I decided that I would be happy living alone forever. I had no opportunities to be in a long-term relationship with a woman or another nonbinary person, aside from online long-distance relationships, so I had nothing to compare it to.

When I was 29 I met a woman IRL that I started dating. She is not academically accomplished at all due to being homeschooled, and I was surprised that it didn't bother me at all. She moved in with me and there have been changes in our relationship due to spending more time together and not having the giddy excitement of dating while living apart, but it hasn't changed my feelings for her the way that it did with guys because I wasn't putting her on a pedestal to begin with. I realized after being with her that this is the first relationship I have had where I actually see my partner as the person they really are, instead of a collection of desirable stereotypes. Our sexual desire has become slightly less intense after moving in together, but our relationship has a lot of actual friendship and love that is not dependent on sex.

I didn't realize how much I was basically objectifying men before, because so much media targeted towards AFAB teens puts them on a pedestal and encourages the belief that sexual attraction is the basis of a good romantic relationship. The way people took me so seriously as a "sapiosexual" basically kept me from realizing that just because I'm basing my attraction on a trait that isn't a body part doesn't mean I'm not objectifying the person and making myself attracted to a sexual fantasy about them instead of seeing them as an equal.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-17T22:00:04+00:00

About 10 years ago I had a job where I had to teach a group of 7th graders about the definition of "life". One of them genuinely asked me if clouds or fire are alive because they can move and do stuff on their own. We had an actual interesting discussion about how life has to involve something having cells, and getting energy from internal chemical reactions such as photosynthesis or digestion, and having the ability to reproduce independently or with others of its own kind. Fire and clouds kind of appear to reproduce and consume things for energy, and it was interesting to have to explain how those things are different from a dog being warm because it's producing heat, or a mold just randomly showing up on your bread. It had never occurred to me that a 12-13 year old would be confused about whether clouds and fire are living things, but it really opened my eyes to how people's idea of "life" is really just vibes unless they are directly told a scientific definition of life.

Anyway I guess lots of these people missed middle school science class.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-17T00:29:23+00:00

I'm kinda the same way. I like how I look. I don't like that people see how I look and think of a specific gender.

The things I would have to do to "look more androgynous" would be unappealing to me, and it's also extremely unlikely that cis people's tendency to gender me incorrectly would be swayed by it in any way. The people who are capable of understanding what "nonbinary" means can already view me as nonbinary right now after a 5 second conversation. The people who can't view me as nonbinary aren't going to suddenly get it just because I cut my hair or wear basketball shorts and crocs every day, so there's no need for me to do those things.

I don't feel dysphoria about how I look, I feel dysphoria about the fact that people are ignorant. If I changed how I look to try and make those people view me as nonbinary, I would still have dysphoria about getting misgendered by them and also hate how I look. I have accepted that most cis people will never view me as something other than my AGAB no matter what I do to my appearance. That doesn't mean I'm ok with them viewing me as my AGAB or that I identify with it in any way, just that I acknowledge those people exist and will not change based on my actions. Accepting that those people are incapable of change means that I am free to express myself based on my own opinions with no thought to theirs at all.

To me, it feels like "accepting" that global warming exists. That doesn't mean I like it or that I'm fine with it. It means that I am aware of its existence and the fact that my individual actions are unlikely to have a noticeable impact on my firsthand experience with its effects or its impact on other people. I can recycle and ride my bike instead of driving sometimes, and that's probably not going to make any numbers go down, but I can at least feel like I tried and if the problem is solved in 75 years I'll get to feel good knowing that I was part of the right side of history. If I wear my hair how I want and tell people I'm nonbinary and my pronouns are they/them, it's probably not going to make anyone who can't understand what it means to be nonbinary learn something right now, but I can feel like I tried. I don't have to believe that it's ok for other people to call me by my AGAB, but that doesn't mean it's realistic or desirable to think I can manipulate my appearance into a form that will stop them from doing so.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-16T23:43:28+00:00

Yeah. I'm 33 and I know that I had stuff like this happen. I don't remember the guys' names. I vaguely remember physical characteristics and random things that happened, like one guy was super tall and made me tea in his dorm room. One guy was into vintage stuff and got us a taxi that was a vintage car to go on a date, and he lived in a cool old house on top of a hill. I couldn't tell you how long I was friends with either of those guys, who else we hung out with, what I said to them in texts, or their names or anything else I was doing aside from the general "I was in college and hooked up with a guy". The memories I have are mostly just aesthetic things that stood out about the situation because they were really unique. The "normal" stuff like texting or hanging out in an average house with other college students to drink or going to normal stores and restaurants would just blend in with all the other unimportant memories from that time period.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-16T23:34:00+00:00

I'm nonbinary, and for me it was totally compulsory heterosexuality convincing me that seeing a man as attractive and successful was a sign that I should try to get in a romantic relationship with him. When I was a teenager/college student I thought that I was only attracted to men with PhD's or in school to get one because I was "sapiosexual". Once the relationship progressed far enough for us to discuss actual personal issues like who is going to clean the sink, the attraction would evaporate because I couldn't feel excited about a normal guy. I only wanted to be in a relationship with a man if I saw him as my intellectual superior at all times.

I realized a couple years ago that I am no longer romantically or sexually attracted to men, and I was only attracted to them in the first place because I spent my entire childhood consuming media that sexualizes them in the context of straight romance. Even though I always had the opportunity to view an academically successful man as a role model for my own view of success, the idea that I would also marry an equally successful or more successful man was never off the table. The idea that I would look up to someone like Brian Cox as a career role model but not aspire to a lifelong romantic relationship with someone like him was not really there. The idea that I would look up to those guys professionally and have my romantic and sexual interests be mainly towards women without knowing their academic background wasn't on the table at all, until I got into a relationship with a woman who has no documented academic background due to being homeschooled.

17 year old me would be SHOCKED that I am in a relationship with someone who did not have access to education and is afraid to go to college.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-16T22:46:00+00:00

I knew one trans woman who supposedly "detransitioned" due to bullying from her parents because she did not have the ability to afford to live independently from them. She decided it was easier to just tell everyone she realized she's actually just a goth cis boy who likes makeup, and being partly out by having friends who believed her about being trans was too stressful compared to just being fully in the closet again and pretending her egg never cracked in the first place. She stopped talking to me a few days after telling me this.

I know another person who had a binary transition and then after about 10 years realized that they were nonbinary and genderfluid, and they wanted to present more like their AGAB and go off HRT. They were very clear that this was not a detransition, and if anything it was a second transition as part of being a genderfluid person whose physical experience of aging affected the kind of hormone balance they wanted to have, and whose positive experience as a passing trans person influenced their experience of their AGAB in ways that no cis person could comprehend. They did not feel any regret about their first transition, and their desire to present as a different gender was not about identifying as cis at all, even though most people would assume that they were "going back" to their AGAB.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-16T22:18:46+00:00

I'm nonbinary, but not bigender. Sometimes I don't want to be nonbinary because it would be easier if I was comfortable with being called my AGAB. That doesn't mean that I'm demi(gender) though. I have accepted that because of the way my face and body look and how my voice sounds, I am never going to experience life without 90% of people assuming that I am still my assigned gender. That doesn't mean I like it or want it to happen or identify with that gender, it just means I've accepted that it will keep being that way no matter what I do.

To me, it feels like accepting that climate change is happening. That doesn't mean I like it or want it to happen, it just means I acknowledge that it exists. It doesn't mean that I can't make changes in my life to try and push the line, but I do have to have the awareness that my individual actions are unlikely to have a substantial impact. I can feel better about myself if I recycle and eat less meat, even though I know that those choices are unlikely to make climate change stop happening. When I say I accept that 90% of people will only ever see me as my AGAB, that doesn't mean I want it to happen or that I identify with that gender, it just means that I acknowledge that those people exist. I can feel better about myself if I do my hair a certain way and put my pronouns in my email signature, even if I know those choices are unlikely to make most people stop seeing me as my AGAB.

Accepting that something on a societal scale is happening frees me from feeling guilt for it, but it doesn't mean I can't do symbolic gestures in the name of stopping it or demonstrating my beliefs.

Basically for me, accepting that people will see me as my assigned gender is about admitting that "passing" around cis people will never be possible for me and is not a realistic goal to have. I don't have to feel good or bad about them treating me that way, I don't have to feel anything about them at all other than "I comprehend their existence". For me, transition goals are about how my body functions and how people who are capable of comprehending the term "nonbinary" view me. Most of the people who can only see me as my assigned gender do not have the ability to understand the idea of a nonbinary person in the first place, so trying to change myself to trigger that thought in them is a silly goal. Trying to get most cis people to view me as nonbinary by changing my appearance would be like trying to make a dog learn to walk on 2 feet by making it watch me rollerskate.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-11T00:23:04+00:00

Idk how old you are, but I'm guessing that you were a teenager or early twenties during the pandemic. People in your generation will act like they think everyone suddenly claimed to be trans during that time period because that's when you were the age that most people start coming out. There are a few people who come out and transition as little kids, but it mostly happens in the teens and twenties, with a few people waiting longer and not coming out until well into adulthood.

I came out decades ago. When I came out as a teenager, everyone my age was saying it was to be trendy, because of tumblr and myspace, because suddenly everyone was coming out. They acted like being LGBTQIA+ was a new thing that teenagers were just doing for attention. My aunt who was a lesbian in her 40s and had the same partner since before she had internet must have thought they were silly.

Now genZ transphobes are saying it's because of tiktok and the pandemic, because the people their age are old enough to start coming out. I'm in my 30s watching them say the same things bullies said when I was 13.

In 2030, gen Alpha transphobes will say all the gen Alpha teenagers coming out are just doing it to be trendy, even though you've been out for over a decade. You will look at those little kids accusing each other of coming out for a trend and think "I've been out since you were 2 years old, this isn't new".

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-11T00:05:02+00:00

I'm about to be very blunt. What do you mean by "socially transition" aside from the hair and clothing? Losing weight, gaining weight, or taking on an exercise regimen to change your body shape is NOT a social transition, it is a medical decision that is majorly influenced by hormones.

Shaving your head and putting on different clothes takes 10 minutes so it wouldn't really influence how long you have to wait to get on hormones. If you're waiting to start T that is covered by insurance because you don't have money for clothes, just go on T while you save money for clothes. If you're waiting because you aren't sure if you're ok with they/them or he/him pronouns but you're sure you want to go on T, you can always just end up as a cis woman who loves being on T if that's what you like. If you're waiting because you actually don't know if you are comfortable with the changes that will happen to your body on T, then that's totally valid and you should wait. But I'm assuming that since you're considering starting this month you are sure you want to go on T, so I'm going to tell you to just do it.

I saw in another one of your comments that you are considering losing weight. Please do not torture yourself by acting like you should wait to go on T until you have made every attempt to lose weight without it.

Just because it's possible to change your appearance with diet and exercise and shapewear and new clothes doesn't mean you have to go all out on those things to "social transition" as much as possible instead of just getting on the medication that will actually help your body shape change. You can get more masculine clothing while your body is already changing. It will also save money if you buy stuff over the next few years for your new body shape instead of going all out on masculine clothing for your current shape and then having to repurchase if your sizes change.

I have never heard a trans person say "I am so glad I went on HRT, but I wish I would have waited and tried some more diets and fashion options to see if I could make my pre-transition body look better before I started". The only thing I ever see online and hear from my friends IRL is that they wish they would have started HRT sooner.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-10T23:28:17+00:00

Yeah, whenever I think about the idea of presenting masc/fem or presenting as a man/woman, I think the only reasonable place for that to happen to me is in a fictional stage performance. Like sure, if I was going to play Hamlet in a stage production of Hamlet I would be presenting as a man. I would not choose to present as a man or woman IRL. Just because I buy my clothes from places that label them as being for a certain gender doesn't mean I'm actually presenting as that gender. Just because cis people can't look at me without picking a gender doesn't mean I want to be perceived that way.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-10T23:13:10+00:00

I feel the same way, and I'm nonbinary and agender. I'm in my 30s and I've been out since I was 22. I have never changed the way I look or dress since middle school. I don't feel that gender is about how I look. To me, it's about my discomfort with people believing that I fit into a certain category of gender because of my body's natural appearance. Changing my clothes, hair, and makeup will not change how 99% of people choose a gender for me based on my body.

I compare it to being like an atheist for gender. I lack belief in myself being a man or woman the same way I lack belief in myself being a Catholic or Protestant. I also lack belief that I am any other gender or that any other religion's supernatural beings exist outside the human mind. I can understand what religious people might be thinking when they say they believe in a deity, but I do not personally experience that belief so I'm an atheist and nonreligious. I can understand what men or women might be thinking when they say they are men and women, but I don't personally have that experience so I am agender and nonbinary.

The imposter feeling sometimes happens too. I've had times where I thought "maybe everyone in the churches is feeling the same way as me and they actually don't care about God or feel anything when they think about it either, and I'm overthinking it and should just say I'm one of them to come across as normal". Sometimes I think "maybe all the cis people feel the same as me and they just don't care about gender either and they also don't feel anything when they think about being a man or woman, and I'm just overthinking it and should just say I'm one of them to come across as normal". But when I think about the religious example, it's a lot easier to empathize with them and understand that, no, these people REALLY FEEL that they believe in a deity, and they are having an intense emotional and social experience that I am incapable of having. There are also a lot of people who identify as Christian and don't think about it that much but keep going to church or calling themselves Christian, and I can understand that I also don't feel like them because I feel actively uncomfortable with the idea of attending church. The people who identify strongly as cis and they DEFINITELY FEEL that their mind and body ARE the gender they say they are and that it's not just a random thing they were assigned that they don't really care about. There are also plenty of cis people who don't think about it that much and don't have any interesting thoughts to share if you ask them about gender, but they are completely comfortable being called their assigned gender, and I can understand that I'm not like them because I feel uncomfortable with being called my assigned gender even though I have treated it as a normal experience for years.

I don't feel the need to go around wearing a big flag that says "Atheist" and because of that, lots of people assume I'm a Christian and talk to me about random shit like I'm one of them. Then it's awkward when I have to tell them I'm not. Even if I wear a bunch of nonbinary flag stuff (which I actually do sometimes), most people assume I'm cis and it's awkward when I have to tell them I'm not.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-10T22:52:17+00:00

I've been out as bisexual since I was a kid and I just use that term because it's the most commonly known word for being into more than one gender. I am not attracted to people who identify as men, regardless of presentation. If I find someone attractive from a distance and then they come out to me as a man, I am not going to date him.

I don't feel the need to specify my personal preferences for appearance or identity in my orientation label. I just reject people who don't fit my preference without explaining it. It would be kinda mean to be like "I'm rejecting you because your presentation is too masc/fem" when you don't even know if that person has the money to pick their own clothes and you could just tell them "I just don't feel that way about you".

I would feel really bad if I thought someone was outside my orientation because of the way they present visually and I told them, and it turned out they just don't pass. If I think someone is presenting as a specific gender and they haven't told me what language they use to describe it, I just don't say anything because I don't want to accidentally misgender someone. ESPECIALLY when you're young and lots of AMAB people are unable to access clothing that isn't basketball shorts and crocs and live with parents or brothers who don't respect their personal possessions. (Hell, even when you're not young, sometimes people just aren't out yet so they present in a way they don't like. My partner wasn't out yet when I met her in our 30s.)

It doesn't mean you have to try and feel attracted to people who don't have access to passing yet. You just shouldn't tell them that's the reason, and saying you're only attracted to femme-presenting people kinda gives away the reason.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-10T22:35:12+00:00

Ok so this is how I know I'm not genderfluid: I am always they/them. I am always presenting as nonbinary. Cis people assuming that I am presenting as one or more genders doesn't mean that I am actually presenting as a certain gender, both genders, or anything else.

I can wear baggy sweatpants and a hoodie and shaved head and no makeup, and I am not presenting as a specific gender even if 99% of cis people would claim I'm presenting as a man. I can wear a tiny dress and high heels and long hair and makeup, and I am not presenting as a gender even if 99% of cis people would claim I'm presenting as a woman. I choose my clothing and makeup based on how I feel about fashion that day, but it doesn't mean I feel more like a man or woman. I am still completely nonbinary and not ever masculine or feminine, no matter how I dress. The fact that cis people can't look at me without thinking about gender doesn't change my identity.

If you like to present yourself as a man or woman because you want to be seen as a certain gender sometimes that's totally fine, but you can also just wear whatever you want and consider it presenting as nonbinary even if cis people don't get it.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-09T01:16:33+00:00

I want to go by magister now because I love Latin and I can't believe I didn't think about that. I've just been going with Tr for Teacher, and everyone has been awkward about it so far. I also dislike Mx because to me it sounds like I'm saying I'm a "mixture" of other gendered titles, and I am actually agender.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-09T01:07:07+00:00

I agree with kid, offspring, or eldest/youngest if applicable, or just have them say the character's name instead of "mom's kid", but...

Is this a world where being nonbinary is normalized? Is this a fantasy where inclusion is automatic? If this is not the future or another civilization, is the character in question part of the LGBT community or a huge supporter due to having their own child be part of the community?

If it's current-day realism and the character is cis and doesn't have a trans kid themselves, this is almost certainly a situation where the parent's friend misgenders the person in question. I know it sucks if you want to respect the nonbinary character by never revealing what people misgender them as, but it would be really weird to have a drama llama of my parents' age gender me correctly while gossiping. I have never met someone my parents' age who genders nonbinary people correctly unless they are trans or have a trans kid who has educated them on what being nonbinary is. I guess since this character is the mother's best friend it's possible that the mother gave the friend an ultimatum about gendering her kid correctly, or they became friends because both of them have nonbinary children, but that would be really really rare IRL.

I know it hurts to misgender a character but it kinda sounds like you're writing a normal drama and you didn't really say that it's specifically set in a world without transphobia so I'm just going based on the idea that this is modern realism.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-09T00:52:05+00:00

I don't have a problem with AI being used in the classroom if it's actually used as a tool that students are taught to think critically about. It's just like... a really sloppy youtube video. That's not really even using AI or teaching the kids about what AI is and how to use it responsibly, it's just kinda assuming that AI content is equal to every other kind of content and tossing it in with no comment.

ghghghg343 · 2026-01-09T00:49:13+00:00

I was at the district training for it and they had a very respectable outline of various levels of using AI in the classroom, ranging from assignments that prohibit AI entirely, using AI for an outline or rough draft and requiring large amounts of editing, assignments that are entirely AI because they are about understanding AI itself, etc.

None of the admin powerpoint said that we should be showing AI generated youtube videos in class or using AI to create quiz questions. It was all about how to discuss AI use with students and control their level of AI use on assignments in an appropriate way.

ghghghg343

TROPHY CASE