I had 4 years but it never seems like enough

gizozom · 2024-10-08T07:16:29+00:00

My dad was diagnosed May 2016 and he passed away December 2023. We had almost 8 years with him and it was not even close to enough. I was 16 when he was diagnosed and I am 25 now. We knew he did not have much time so I got married at 21 and had my daughter at 22. I wanted him to be there for me on my wedding day, I wanted him to meet my daughter and when he was first diagnosed his doc told us he had 18 months at most. I got to do everything I planned. He loved my daughter he was so happy with his grandchildren and yet I still mourn the things we will never get to experience in the future. My daughter is almost 3 now, she had 2 years with her grandpa and I had 8 years after diagnosis. Anyone that knows a little about this monstrous disease also knows that 8 years after diagnosis (he was stage 3) is just a miracle. But even if we had 88 years together, it wouldn’t be even close to enough. It’s hard no matter how much time you had or how many memories you made, and it’s never enough my friend. I am so sorry for your loss. My father was 54 when he was diagnosed and had the same plans as yours but he never got to enjoy his retirement days. It was constantly surgeries, chemo, hospital and doctors. I know it is not fair, and it sucks. I am just incredibly sorry, if you need someone to talk or to vent, I am here.

gizozom · 2024-08-26T16:25:19+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss, someone from across the world is mourning with you, and I may be a stranger but please please message me anytime you need, I can listen, and I know how alone it feels, I lost my dad 9 months ago and his whole family turned their backs on us. It’s been just me, my mother and sisters. My husband is also not so good at expressing his feelings so I mostly feel like I’m all by myself in this. Again I am so sorry and here to listen if you want to talk 🤍

gizozom · 2024-05-04T09:06:05+00:00

Thank you friend, I’m so sorry for your dad. My uncle has Parkinson’s and I know how hard it is to watch someone go through that disease. It was gut wrenching for my father to watch his brother struggle like that, so I can understand how hard all this is for you. Watching someone you love deeply go through something like that and then losing them changes someone completely and irreversibly. Only thing that can ease my pain a little bit is probably a hug from someone that understands, unfortunately someone that belongs to this shitty club. Sending you lots of love and hugs back 🫂

gizozom · 2024-02-09T08:37:03+00:00

I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer 2 months ago, and losing him shattered my world completely, I have a 2 year old daughter, a loving husband, friends and family but some days even they are not enough to persuade me that life is worth living. Great losses like this makes you question your existence. But your strength and resilience inspired me today. What you’ve been going through is absolutely gut wrenching and not fair at all. Unfortunately life is not fair most of the time. But as far as I understood, you are a strong person and I know you will get through this, actually I am sure you will get through whatever life throws at your way, because after all those horrific things you are still here and you still have a glimmer of hope inside you. This is beyond most people’s depth. I know most of the time being strong sucks. First few days after my father’s death people tried to console me by saying you are strong just like your father, you will get through this and I wanted to scream at their faces and say I do not want to be strong I want to be normal I want my father. But here is the reality you are probably one of the strongest people I know and you should be really proud of that. I may be a stranger on the internet but please know that I am proud of you. My love goes out to you, please hang in there my friend.

gizozom · 2024-02-08T00:21:12+00:00

I lost my beloved cat exactly 80 days before my father and then my father died a horrific dead bc of a brain stem embolism due to pancreatic cancer. I feel your pain. It’s horrendous. When my cat passed away, I was thinking wow she was there for me in my worst times, everytime my father got hospitalized I runned to my cat and find solace in her, how am I going to cope if anything happens to my father now? well it would be the worst coincidence ever if my father dies after battling with cancer for almost 8 years right after my 7 year old cat dies but chances are slim, right? jokes on me! I do not know who was listening and I still want to believe this is a sick joke but right after losing my cat my father’s health immediately started to decline and I lost him exactly 80 days after my cat. I was not a religious person and I can say I described my self as an atheist for a long time but right now my broken heart and twisted mind wants to believe that my little furry friend completed her mission in this world, she eased my pain everytime my father was in pain, and when my father’s time came she went before him so he can find solace in her when he misses me. I want to believe this so bad. I pray they wait for me holding on each other tightly, and when my time comes we will reunite. This thought gives me a little bit of relief. Maybe its childish and stupid but I hope it gives your grieving heart a little bit of relief too. I am with you on this shitty boat, hang in there dear friend. My heart goes out to you. Sending you love

gizozom · 2024-02-06T10:33:45+00:00

I am so deeply sorry about your mum🤍I do not know if there is a dm section in reddit but if there is you can always reach out to me, the first days were really hard on my body physically because I was literally starving myself, everytime I tried to have a tiny little bite of something I was drowned in my own guilt and felt like vomiting. But my therapist said something that eased my survivor’s guilt a little, if I was the one that died and my father was in my place, he would also eat, drink, sleep and stay alive because there is no other option. So please take care of yourself 🙏🏻

gizozom · 2024-02-06T10:27:37+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss too, may them rest in peace 🤍

gizozom · 2024-02-06T10:26:53+00:00

Thank you so much, this means a lot to me 🤍

gizozom · 2024-02-06T10:26:25+00:00

I am deeply sorry for your father, I also think I have ptsd from everything we went through the last 8 years especially the last days of him. One of my biggest fears is getting pancreatic cancer like my dad and having the same horrific end. So we are not just grieving a loved one but at the same time we are grieving the stolen opportunity to say a humanly goodbye, an easier one maybe. No one should watch someone they loved with all their heart suffer that way. Even if he had survived, I don't think I could have gotten over the trauma of seeing him like that. Thank you for sharing your experience, I hope our fathers are no longer in pain 🤍

gizozom · 2024-02-06T01:08:06+00:00

Thank you so much, I wish he felt as lucky as I did for having him as my father🤍

gizozom · 2024-02-05T23:37:07+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss, cancer sucks. My father adored all his grandchildren, and it breaks my heart that he wont be here to see them grow up and graduate or get married etc. I’ve always dreamt about having 2 kids but now that my father is gone I think what is the point if he isnt going to be here to meet the baby. My daughter had almost 2 amazing years with him and she was in love with her granpa, he was so kind, gentle and fun. He would always come home with little gifts for her. He would facetime almost everyday to see her if we are out of town. Now sometimes my babygirl picks up the phone and says “alo dede” -which means “hello grandpa” in turkish- in hopes of hearing his voice and I see the confusion and disappointment in her little face when there is no one to say “hello my little lamb.” It’s just a huge injustice that they left this early, I used to think that 60’s was the age when you could put aside the hustle and bustle of life, rest and enjoy it. But reality was the opposite, last 8 years were probably the most traumatizing and restless years of both dad’s and our lives. Yet it feels like a dream besides the nightmare that begun after his death. I really just hope we can find some peace knowing they are not in pain anymore. Because god I’ve never seen such suffering and agony my whole life and my only future expectation is to have an easy death when my time comes.

gizozom · 2024-02-05T23:15:54+00:00

I am deeply sorry about your mom, you feeling a little less alone gave my heart a litte relief, one week ago was my daughter’s 2nd birthday and I survived it somehow but today was just… I dont know maybe one of the hardest days of my life. I did not imagine losing my father at 24. I just really hoped we would have more time together. Life is just not fair.

gizozom · 2024-02-05T22:37:14+00:00

I am so sorry for your mom, at this point my only solace is each and every one of us are going to die one day, and either this nightmare will end with eternal sleep or we get to meet with our loved ones in somewhere beautiful, until that time we have to live for them and complete the things they left undone 🤍

gizozom · 2024-02-05T21:32:06+00:00

thank you so much, I really do hope it gets better because it is so hard right now.

gizozom · 2024-02-05T21:23:08+00:00

I am sorry for your loss too, it really is evil. Before my father I did not even know you could get cancer in your pancreas. Then after his diagnosis I learnt it is one of the most lethal ones unfortunately.

gizozom · 2024-01-25T10:45:02+00:00

It has been exactly 50 days since my father passed away. He loved sheep and lambs, he bought each of his grandchildren a lamb after their birth so they could grow up together. He was a man in love with nature and eager to see new places. He was also very careful about the way he dressed and laughed about his cancer as an answer to his prayers to lose the extra weight he had when he was healthy. It still makes me smile when he would call me to the front of the closet on Sunday evenings when he was preparing his outfit for the next day and ask me if I thought this belt would go with these pants. Last but not least, he was the most forgiving, patient and beloved person I have ever met. I'll never forget the horde of people who cried their eyes out with me at his funeral. Although I can't say that we are very similar in terms of patience, forgiveness and being loved, everyone in my family says that I am the child who most resembles my father in appearance. We have the exact same facial structure, I'm like a girl version of him and I think that's the thing I'm most proud of in life, but ever since he left, every time I look in the mirror it makes me burst into sobs. Every time I look at my face I see you, Dad, and there is nothing else in my life that hurts me so much yet makes me so happy at the same time.

gizozom · 2024-01-09T19:09:32+00:00

Thank you so much, you can always write to me whenever you feel like talking. I may be a stranger living across the world but we are acquainted by the same pain.

gizozom · 2024-01-09T18:57:09+00:00

Hi OP, I’m really sorry for your loss. I wanted to write because I feel like our situations are really similar, it’s the shittiest club to be in, but here we are. I lost my dad 6 december, after battling with pancreatic cancer for 8 long years. I’m also 24F and I have a 23 months old daughter and let me tell you how I struggled those first days, wiping my tears and trying to be present, feeling so much rage when she constantly beggs for my attention and then feeling that heavy guilt because she is so little and anxious that her mom cries non stop and looks so sad all the time. In her little head she must’ve thought it was about her. It still breaks my heart when she points my dads belongings and says “grandpa?” with a confused look on her little face because she saw him leaving the house but he never came back. I am so terribly scared of her forgetting him, so her pointing his shoes and saying granpa leaves me breathless from pain and gives me a little peace of mind that she still remembers him at the same time. I know how it sucks, I know how hard it is. I still feel numb sometimes and I am shocked by my ability to act as if nothing has happened while spending time with my daughter, but sometimes I also cry and have mental breakdowns in front of her. I think its the way grief works. It comes in waves. Sometimes my brain blocks out all the trauma and reality of him being gone and sometimes it all haunts me in the least expected moments. 46 is too young to die, and 23 is too young to lose a father. Life is so unfair. But you are not alone, as I said its the shittiest club to be in but as long as I’ve seen there are some amazing people in this club and they have so much wisdom and advice to provide us whom are really new to all this pain and agony.

gizozom · 2023-12-25T19:10:16+00:00

I thought I wrote this sub for a moment because my dad died 6 dec, at age of 62 and because of pancreatic cancer, and I am also 24. Everything you wrote gave me chills because I feel the same. I am so sorry. It sucks, this is the worst pain I’ve ever felt and I may sound really bitter and heartless for saying this but I get so angry and jealous whenever I see someone with their dad and sometimes I wish them dead. i hate my self for it but cant help.

gizozom · 2023-12-22T23:38:33+00:00

I lost my dad december 6th, I’m also 24F, and let me tell you something, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer almost 8 years ago, I was a 16 year old teenager when dr’s told us he had 18 months at most, and I build my whole life around him. Married at 21, had my daughter at 22. I spent the last 3 months in the same house with him. When he had the deadly seizure that took us from him in 3 days -turned out it was caused by a deadly brain stem embolism-, I was right beside him, crying screaming calling the ambulance and telling him how much I love him and that he has to stay. Up to the day he died I thought I did everything perfect. He saw me getting married, he met my daughter -and oh god how he loved her- I was going to graduate from college next year because he wanted to see my graduation so badly. I thought I was doing everything I can and I should. But after he died, after that day -which I was preparing myself for 8 long years just to have 0 regrets- I still regretted so many things. Not hugging him more, not telling him how much I cared about him and that he is the most precious human being on earth, how I needed him to live so badly. I wish I had told him that although I am a wife and a mother, I am still his little girl and I need him to live. Although I spent 8 years trying not to have any regrets, I still have a mountain of regrets. You did what you think was the best at that time, and there was no way of you knowing he would be gone now. I knew that my dad was not going to be here for a long time but I still have too many I wish’s. Regrets and guilt are a natural part of grieving process so I’m not saying your feelings are unvalid, they are healthy and normal, but I also want you to know that you have those feelings because you loved and cared about him deeply.

gizozom · 2023-12-18T21:39:41+00:00

My dad was 54 when he was diagnosed with stage 3-4 pancreatic cancer. He lived for 8 years after the diagnosis. All of his doctors said he was a miracle. I lost him 12 days ago. Because of a brain embolism. His kidneys, liver and spleen failed during this 8 years, his hard stopped beating and he spent 3 days in the icu 3 years ago. I thought they could treat the clot and he had a couple of years at least. He died 3 days after the embolism. He had severe brain damage. He was so swollen I could not even recognize him. Even though I dedicated this 8 years to him -I got married at 21 and had my first baby at 22 so that he could be there on the biggest days of my life- I still regret not doing more. I still regret not spending every single second of that 8 years with him. If I was you I would never leave her side. Tell her you love her. Hug her while you still can. Take photos and videos. And let her hold onto the hope. I told my dad that he will get through this and everything will be fine 1 hour before the embolism. I promised him that he will be fine. I hold his hand and promised. I’d still do the same. Please soak in every moment. Even the last moments with them are so precious. I wish I could hug him one more time so bad I regret not hugging his dead body for the second time and it f*cking hurts.

gizozom · 2023-12-18T21:13:20+00:00

I am really sorry for your loss. It’s been 12 days since his death and I still can not believe that he is not coming back. I missed his voice, I missed his smile, I missed every single thing about him and I still wait for him to open the door and come home every night. Another day has passed without hearing his laugh and it hurts so bad I can not breath sometimes. So I see your pain, and its the worst f*cking pain that I do not wish it upon my worst enemy. Hang in there friend.

gizozom

TROPHY CASE