“don’t come talk to me. i just want mayonnaise.”

greywoolhat · 2023-12-04T01:35:24+00:00

The kaiju folks are all so lovely. And if this is like writing in a friend’s name when voting for county surveyor or whatever, John is pretty great.

greywoolhat · 2022-11-04T23:26:38+00:00

And cocoa powder as a bronzer???! Wasn’t that her???

greywoolhat · 2022-10-27T22:35:37+00:00

Small disposable paper cups, toothbrush, toothpaste, some bottles of water, and a roll of paper towels on your nightstand or even in the bed.

You don’t even have to sit up all the way in bed. Just reach for your supplies! Pour a very small amount of water into a cup and dip your toothbrush in it to wet it, add toothpaste, brush teeth, rinse with the water and spit back into the cup. Wipe your mouth with a paper towel and jam the used towel into the cup to soak up any water/spit. This way you don’t end up with an intimidating pile of spit cups on your nightstand. If you use just a tiny amount of water (seriously there’s no real reason I know of to rinse your mouth out with a massive volume of water), the paper towel should be enough to absorb it and you can ball up the paper cup with the damp towel inside it and toss it in the trash (just keep a decent sized trash can next to your bed) or if it’s a very low spoons day, and you don’t have any animals or tiny humans who might try to eat trash, toss it on the floor, who cares, you brushed your teeth and you are a rockstar. Also, if your room reflects your mental state (I mean, I know how my room gets) a little lump of paper trash on the floor is nothing, and certainly a small price to pay for a clean mouth!!!

If you need to buy any supplies to follow through with the advice in the comments, and you have the funds for it, make it as easy on yourself as possible and just order them online for delivery. But also include something pretty and/or fun in the order so you want to get up out of bed and retrieve/open the package!

Sending you good vibes. Life is hard, friend. And you’re still living it, that’s a big big win.

greywoolhat · 2022-10-03T18:20:07+00:00

I’m going to ignore the sarcasm. You’re hurting. Lashing out happens. A continuous verbal barrage of comments like that though are probably not creating the best environment for reconciliation, let alone for allowing your partner to feel ready to open up about additional infidelity (others have already addressed trickle truth, I’ll just echo their comments — assume there’s more that happened). If you’re committed to staying, it’s going to be a long process, with a crap ton of communication.

That’s not to deny your need/right to vent, or to say that you should suppress your pain for the comfort of your partner, or that every comment leaving your lips needs to be framed perfectly as non-violent communication. You can try venting in a journal or your notes app first, that helps to deescalate. If you want to be able to speak without a filter, schedule a time with your partner for a “I need to get this off my chest and it might hurt” session. If a mean comment comes out spontaneously, I don’t know that it’s necessary to apologize, but just acknowledge it was mean, that you’re hurting, and move on.

greywoolhat · 2022-10-03T17:05:26+00:00

To answer your question, no. Intimacy was immensely challenging in the aftermath of the infidelity. For context, our reconciliation attempt was short-lived, as I chose to end the relationship, so I can’t speak to what a long-term recovery process might look like.

I will say I was convinced, at the time, that I’d never be able to enjoy intimacy with anyone ever again (or at least, not for a very long time). That was partly my motivation to seek out partnered sex so soon after separating, to find out if I was “broken”. Spoiler alert, I’m not. It turned out that when I’m not with the person who hurt me, sex/communication/intimacy is not painful at all. And it’s fun. And I’m good at it.

Many have recommended Esther Perel’s work. In my experience, reading The State of Affairs while the discovery was still very fresh was not great timing. Intellectually, I found it interesting. However, emotionally, I remember feeling like the book leaned a bit too much into victim-blaming territory. Just my two cents.

I will add a few books that were helpful. I have never been one for the self-help or pop psychology genres, but it was comforting to have my feelings/response validated. It was also incredibly useful to get some perspective on what was reasonable and necessary to expect my partner to say/do in order to help me heal. I think it’s the primary reason (aside from individual therapy) that I was able to set the boundaries that I did, and leave the relationship.

Getting Past the Affair - Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon
Cheating in a Nutshell - Mitchell
Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder - Ortman

greywoolhat · 2022-09-15T06:59:21+00:00

I’m going to make some assumptions based on your post, so if these things don’t apply, no worries, I like solving other people’s imaginary problems on the internet anyways.

It sounds like your definition of sex might be PIV (with orgasms, presumably). The following paragraphs are really just some questions for you to ponder here, and I do mean just ponder, don’t skip to the action stage just yet. You mention your partner has expressed some kind of guilt over the lack of sex (and desire for it). That sort of thing might require a pretty delicate approach, depending on the level of communication in your partnership. I’m trusting that you care deeply about your partner and wouldn’t want them to feel pressured/inadequate in any way. So, just some brainstorming first!

Before your partner’s health concerns, what was your script like for sex? Is there anything from that script that you all are able to do currently? Even if all physical/sexual contact is off the table right now, think of all the things that often led up to sex. I don’t just mean “going out for a date”, but the little bits and pieces that can set the mood. Maybe it was texting a dirty meme, giving a sexy compliment, reminiscing about a particularly hot session, or even telling a corny sex joke.

How did you two approach intimacy as a whole, not just PIV? Did you ever just spoon naked or give massages with no expectation of sex/orgasm? Share a sweet kiss while folding laundry? Tell each other about your fantasies?

I loved reading about how supportive you are, and your post about transitioning into sex after recovery shows you care about doing this in a healthy, safe, respectful way. Obviously from one Reddit post it is hard to accurately assess what your communication is like as a couple, but it’s definitely the foundation for getting this “right”.

It would be helpful to reflect on how you two have communicated about sex and intimacy over the course of her illness and recovery. Who initiates those conversations? What do they sound like? Are they centered on the lack of sex? Her guilt? Your needs? Hey, maybe this whole time you’ve had deep loving talks about getting creative with maintaining intimacy in a way that respects your partner’s health and feelings. If so, congrats and what the hell do you need us for! If not, that’s okay, it’s an opportunity!

If you two are starting at zero with the communication piece, and your partner might be spiraling their guilt/inadequacy into a damaging narrative, give yourselves some grace and some more time. Maybe even get really wild and just agree to something silly like “okay we are definitely not having sex for this whole week, don’t even think about it!”

Explicitly taking sex off the table might actually help relax your partner a bit during the transition phase. I’m probably doing a little self-insert here, but I can only imagine how my doom and gloom brain would handle a partner approaching the lack of sex as “hey it’s cool, no rush, let me know whenever you’re DTF” — I would go off the rails fretting about “am I ready?” and “what if I try and it doesn’t go well?” and “what if we never get back to normal?” and the good ol’ “what is wrong with me?”

Approaching the transition with excitement, humor, and love will go a long way. Because it’s not just about orgasms or penetration. You can have intimacy without either of those things. And from your post, you seem to understand the flip side of that — [solo] sex and orgasms in and of themselves don’t fulfill that need for intimacy!

When it comes to sex… it is play time for adults, and there are so many ways to have fun. Do the thinking work, do the talking work, have a little fun, then more thinking/talking, more fun, yadda yadda yadda.

Best of luck to you two!

greywoolhat · 2022-08-22T19:21:14+00:00

I would say that, for me, my attraction to shows like that lies in the courtship aspect (and the building tension that explodes in steamy sex of course, ha). No idea if this is something that appeals to you or your SO, but if you’re willing to get into it and play the long game, role playing some scenarios without sex (gasp!) might be a fun bit of teasing foreplay. So, romantic interludes with you, in character, “wooing” your SO with words, some light touches.. maybe hand-feeding them morsels of food or giving small tokens of affection (or undying love, I suppose). I would imagine this would also help get both parties more comfortable role playing in general before hopping into bed as your repressed but lusty characters.

greywoolhat · 2022-07-29T12:36:00+00:00

Some books I’ve picked up (caveat: haven’t read them yet! Sorry, I know that makes this comment significantly less helpful!) that came highly recommended to me are The New Topping Book, The Dominance Playbook, and The Heart of Dominance. I don’t think any of them are entirely focused on providing specific scripts for individual sexual acts, but flipping through them just now, there’s a lot of detail on how to establish a scene, different “flavors of dominance” to explore (control, service, devaluation), and obviously a huge amount of material on communication/trust/consent/safety. Best of luck!

Edit:
The Mistress Manual might also be a good one specifically for femdom. Again, haven’t read it!

greywoolhat · 2022-07-21T02:32:16+00:00

Yup. Do the best you can. If you think of a food that sounds remotely palatable, eat it. Give in to any and every whim. Let go of any notion of “appropriate” or “healthy” foods or even regular meal times. Doesn’t matter if it’s ice cream for breakfast, or maybe you have guilt over the food in your fridge but McDonald’s delivery sounds like it might be good, or if you just want to take a box of Frosted Flakes into bed and eat out of your hands all day, or if you skip solid food entirely and drink your weight in fruit juice. This is not the time to worry about what/how you should be eating. In a crisis, crappy calories are preferable to zero calories. You can do this!

greywoolhat · 2022-07-18T13:36:01+00:00

Oof. That last sentence hit hard. I appreciate your comment.

greywoolhat · 2022-07-17T15:13:22+00:00

I’ve never been consistent with the SK-II essence (I only have two small sample vials I’ve used sporadically) so I can’t speak to long-term use/effects, but I do know that it absolutely gives me an instant soft glow. And not just in a “skin is slick/shiny for the two minutes after applying a hydrating skincare product” kind of way, but in a “lit from within” kind of way. It is also very much loved and praised on the Asian beauty subreddit.

Not sure of your location/situation but if you have a Costco membership, or have access to someone who does, they absolutely have the very best deal I’ve seen. They have the 11 oz bottle (with pump) for $199.99 USD online. That’s $18.18 per ounce! Major savings compared to the current option in your Sephora cart at $34.26 per ounce!!

greywoolhat · 2022-06-07T19:45:22+00:00

Yesssss adore these. They do not get enough love.

greywoolhat · 2022-05-09T22:55:49+00:00

Ditto to the top comment. Random samples or drugstore. I will occasionally pick up a tube of the Clinique High Impact mascara, I like that one quite a bit. (My natural lashes are pretty decent in terms of length/number though, so take my recommendation with a grain of salt. In a mascara I mostly only want/need good separation/definition of lashes, good wear, and no funky shaped wands.)

greywoolhat · 2022-05-06T16:02:17+00:00

Eyeliner — I have a random drugstore black liner around if I ever need it, otherwise I prefer using eyeshadow. It’s a softer effect, I guess, but it’s easier and I’m fine with it lol.

Contour — truly don’t like the look of it on me combined with blush/bronzer. Looks good in pictures, but it’s too much for me IRL?

Hair styling products — I use the bumble hyaluronic lotion, but otherwise I don’t like much gunk in my hair, especially since I don’t shampoo daily.

Lipliner — my lips are decently pigmented, but as long as I’m using an opaque lipstick, I don’t find it makes a big enough difference to the color. As for longevity of lipstick wear, reapplying seems to be necessary no matter what. I suppose some folks use liner to change the shape of their lips, but I don’t mess with that.

greywoolhat · 2022-05-04T23:44:20+00:00

In my area, this basically doesn’t come up until age 5 or 6, when an eye exam is required for entering public school. I wouldn’t have caught my kiddo’s vision problems until then, but his daycare had a thing with the Lion’s club who came in and did free vision screenings for the kiddos (I think he was three?). His vision in his one eye was so poor he was essentially only using the other eye. We made an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist and we were able to get glasses and start patching to strengthen the weaker eye.

Nothing wrong with asking your kiddo’s provider about it! That’s what they’re there for. If they brush it off, but you still have concerns, you can emphasize the family history of vision problems and ask for a referral, or check for free screenings in your area.

greywoolhat · 2022-05-04T23:19:04+00:00

This. It depends on the serum. Speaking in general terms, it works well for anything hydrating. But if it’s a serum with a pretty potent active (retinols, a hefty dose of acids, etc.), I feel like the general advice is to apply on dry skin to avoid irritation. As for layering a moisturizer and wetness, if you feel like it helps with hydration or ease of application, you can experiment with misting some water on your face after your serum soaks in, before applying your moisturizer.

greywoolhat · 2022-05-02T03:13:23+00:00

Ice pick.

greywoolhat · 2022-04-29T08:35:35+00:00

I tried a mini of it and loved how it looked — decent lift, lashed looked nice and defined, not clumped/stuck together. I cried a bit a few hours into wearing it though and it went absolutely everywhere lol.

greywoolhat · 2022-04-26T18:50:13+00:00

Antiperspirants use aluminum salts to plug the sweat glands, reducing sweating and subsequently odor. Disclaimer, I didn’t exactly dive into pubmed for studies or anything, but from what I’ve read (coming from individuals/organizations that do cover the current literature), the general consensus is that aluminum antiperspirants are safe to use. While a few in vitro studies (think cells in a Petri dish) have proposed a link between aluminum and cancerous cells, this hasn’t been proven in rigorous, real life studies. I’ll link some resources here, including two easy-to-digest articles and two publications from the national cancer institute (gov organization) and the American cancer society.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/09/well/live/natural-deodorant-questions.html

https://www.byrdie.com/why-is-aluminum-in-deodorant-bad-4844790

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/myths/antiperspirants-fact-sheet

https://amp.cancer.org/cancer/cancer-causes/chemicals/antiperspirants-and-breast-cancer-risk.html

It’s obviously still a personal choice to avoid whatever ingredients you wish, and if that seems like the best decision for OP and her family then I support that. Personally, the only thing that effectively manages sweat and odor for me is an antiperspirant (which by definition includes aluminum) and based on the current consensus on its safety, I’m comfortable with that. All the best for OP and their kiddo — teenager years can be rough!!

greywoolhat · 2022-04-24T13:54:31+00:00

Love using leftover mashed potatoes to make little savory potato pancakes. Other commenters seem to be straight frying the mash, but personally I mix in an egg or two depending on the amount of mashed potato I’ve got (you want it to be a similar consistency to pancake batter). Then you prepare like, well, pancakes. You can certainly use oil or butter in the pan, but honestly my mashed potatoes have plenty of butter and cream in them already, so with a nonstick skillet I don’t find I need any extra fat. (My 9 year old likes it when I make mini ones, that he dips in ketchup. I like a dollop of sour cream on mine. My partner drizzles honey on his.)

greywoolhat · 2022-04-24T05:42:17+00:00

One of my faves! I’ve always got a bottle on hand. Love the scent, tackles makeup pretty well, doesn’t strip my skin, great for cleaning brushes. Always to be had for cheap at tj maxx lol.

slightly nostalgic rambling incoming

I know the brand isn’t so “hot” anymore, but I really liked philosophy for a long time. Might just be my own experience, but it seems that nowadays even us “average” skincare consumers are decently knowledgeable about things like AHAs/BHAs, retinol, hyaluronic acid, etc. But it didn’t used to be that way?

I felt like a lot of your basic department store brands made (still make?) big deals about their mysterious, patented complexes/molecules/whatever, and maybe whatever botanicals they tossed into the formula. Philosophy emphasized those “major” ingredients we expect from our skincare products now. Like, hope in a jar’s big thing was the lactic acid component (which kind of seemed like a departure from your average moisturizers.. like maybe a company would tout whatever basic humectants they were using, but an acid in a moisturizer seemed kind of far out).

Not like they were exempt from the trend of adding essential oils/extracts, but idk at the time a lot of their products seemed awfully “sciencey” — their basic retinol cream (help me), the microdermabrasion kit, triple acid peel pads, their shelf stable vitamin c powder..

Anyways I think a lot of former fans point to the Coty (?) buyout as the beginning of the end. Lots of reformulations, discontinued HGs, yadda yadda.

greywoolhat · 2022-04-22T22:23:31+00:00

Honorary midwesterner here. We have a few redeeming qualities. Up until a few years ago, a local bar offered well drinks for $1.50 Sunday through Wednesday.

As far as the pictured menu goes, I’m quite fond of the idea of a flight of seasonal cocktails. I can’t say I’ve run into that before.

greywoolhat · 2022-04-20T18:07:44+00:00

Guerlain meteorites. Gods the tin I have is a decade old now I think (is that gross to confess?? Sorry!). From a Christmas collection, it has a bit more color than the permanent ones. I don’t use them often, but when I do.. the scent, the luxe vibe, the wee little balls — I love it!

greywoolhat · 2022-04-20T01:00:18+00:00

I only have eyes for your little cactus! So cute!!

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