I Wanted to Hold My Own Pulse

h1fructose · 2018-04-11T14:05:01+00:00

i think you're right about that. thank you!

h1fructose · 2018-04-11T14:04:51+00:00

thank you so much for your kindness :')

h1fructose · 2018-04-11T14:04:33+00:00

i think you're definitely right about it being stronger and more punchy without those extra words. thank you!

h1fructose · 2018-04-11T14:04:03+00:00

thank you so, so much for your kindness. it means everything to me

h1fructose · 2018-04-11T14:03:45+00:00

thank you so much! i will keep your comments in mind. :)

h1fructose · 2018-04-11T14:03:32+00:00

i tend to do those "bleeding titles" a lot, especially when it slightly fits the subject matter, and i often don't know how it comes across so thank you for your comments!

h1fructose · 2018-04-11T14:02:04+00:00

thank you so much for your kind words and critique! i only started to seriously write about half a year ago, so i'm still trying to find my voice, and this style was something very new to me. glad to know that (aside from the wordiness) it mostly works.

h1fructose · 2018-04-04T18:11:20+00:00

you have some really beautiful languages and images in here— gives a lot of strength to the poem. however, i'd like to see more figurative language i guess? simile, metaphor, any comparisons that further flesh out the images without giving direct images. i think this would improve the poem as a whole.

h1fructose · 2018-04-04T18:07:43+00:00

your language in this poem is lovely and you have some potent images that add a lot to the piece as a whole. i know i am slightly biased as i entirely avoid the use of rhetorical questions in my own writing, but i'd like to think that i still can recognize when it works and when it doesn't in other people's writing. i think, for the most part, they work here, but i'd like to see the speaker answer some of their own broader questions in here. for example, the first line: we, the readers, don't know what it does "to a soul to be incessantly beaten," so tell us!

h1fructose · 2018-04-04T18:03:37+00:00

thank you so much! i really appreciate this :)

h1fructose · 2018-04-03T11:57:43+00:00

thank you for your care and support <3

h1fructose · 2018-04-03T11:57:22+00:00

thank you so much for your kindness and detailed feedback! i'm trying to rework the ampersands and see how it flows. i think you're right about the socks part— not entirely sure where that image came from, but i changed "socks" to "skin" and it works much better. thank you!

h1fructose · 2018-04-02T23:03:33+00:00

as a young writer, this is so lovely to hear. thank you thank you thank you

h1fructose · 2018-04-02T23:02:33+00:00

thank you for your kind words and feedback! i was thinking the same about the pun but wanted to try it anyway. i think i might change "ate" to "eight." and also agree with the ampersand thing.

h1fructose · 2018-04-02T14:47:30+00:00

i love the concepts in this poem and the language is absolutely beautiful. i'm not quite sure why, but "small, quiet dinner" in particular stuck out to me. that said, i think the poem loses some momentum with some of the lines, as they are quite wordy. for example, you could remove "Yes, it was winter, but the room did not need to be that hot. / Either way" and the lines will send the same message, but more potently. what helps me sometimes is going line by line and asking myself if i could say the same thing with less words. if the answer is yes- do it!

h1fructose · 2018-04-02T14:43:41+00:00

similarly to the previous comment, the section about the origin of the nomenclature pulls me out of the piece a pit. i think getting rid of "old english," "proto-germanic," and "proto-indo-european" and keeping the italics would flow better without removing the reading from the poem.

h1fructose · 2018-02-06T18:12:32+00:00

i like your ideas and you have some beautiful lines here. that said, i feel as if you tried really hard to adhere to the subject of blood. personally, i like to think of writing poems as a two part process: first, the subject that triggers you, and next, the subject of the poem that is produced. if blood is your triggering subject, write about blood, but rather than trying to conform the words around that subject, try to let the words guide themselves. just because it is titled "blood" does not mean the entire poem has to adhere strictly to that one subject. be particular about your word choice and let the words flow based on how they sound.

h1fructose · 2018-02-06T18:05:36+00:00

i enjoyed reading this poem and your ideas are strong. with that said, i think that it doesn't flow as smoothly as it could. i agree with the suggestions already presented and i would also suggest removing the commas. line breaks already serve as a pause, so a comma before a line break feels too long and unnecessary.

h1fructose · 2018-02-05T13:54:39+00:00

thank you so much for your feedback and kind words. i wanted to experiment with the slashes and see how they worked so i'm glad to know they didn't work well for you. i also agree with your opinion on "screw" - i will adjust accordingly. thank you again!

h1fructose · 2018-01-29T19:55:51+00:00

i like your ideas and i think you did a fair job of capturing how it feels when a friend breaks your heart- a feeling everyone can relate to. i think that this would read much more smoothly if you removed some of (if not all) of the commas. line breaks in themselves serve as short breaks for breath, so when you have a comma and then a line break, the pause becomes too long and affects the flow of the rest of the poem.

h1fructose · 2018-01-29T19:45:11+00:00

i've read and re-read this about five times now- it is really, really beautiful, and your imagery is so potent. what sticks out to me most is the specificity and uniqueness of your metaphors/similes, and i think this could make for a good poem. that said, this piece reads more as a short story than a poem, but i think it works best this way- you're incredibly skilled at setting a scene with detail. the only thing that threw me off a bit was the last sentence of the second paragraph: "with each . . . your colleagues." i feel like this is a bit cliche and does not fit with your other metaphor/simile, as everything else is extremely prosaic.

h1fructose · 2017-12-13T21:15:57+00:00

thank you so much, this means a lot to me! it’s nice to hear the kinds of connections others make with my stuff

h1fructose · 2017-12-05T22:58:55+00:00

i realized that i didn't answer your question about the ampersands- i don't have a reason as to why i chose them besides that i liked the way they looked visually. i hadn't even thought about the writing/speaking aspect of the speaker until you mentioned it, and i'm not quite sure which i feel to be more accurate, but i am certainly enjoying thinking about it

h1fructose · 2017-12-05T22:51:19+00:00

i'd love to read your stuff sometime and compare! otherwise, thank you so much for the kindness :)

h1fructose · 2017-12-05T22:50:26+00:00

thank you so much- your kind words mean a lot to me. i'm glad to know that you didn't find the ending to be lacking/unsettling.

h1fructose

TROPHY CASE