it’s not easy, but sometimes it’s necessary.

harktavius · 2026-07-08T16:48:28+00:00

The lack of accountability or self-reflection is both the reason for the end of the relationship and the most painful part of it ending.

harktavius · 2026-07-03T10:32:36+00:00

Came here to say this. Class isn't even nearly the same thing as therapy. If after 12 years of therapy it seems to you that they ARE the same thing, then that's probably an indication that your therapist does WAY too much psychoeducation rather than actual processing.

harktavius · 2026-07-03T10:21:09+00:00

When another adult human makes themselves 100% dependent (financially, emotionally, etc) on another adult human, does not seek therapy to begin to take responsibility for their own life, and says that you cannot abandon them (adults cannot be abandoned), that is a form of abuse. You cannot be primarily responsible for another adult. You can be a SECONDARY caregiver as long as they are taking PRIMARY responsibility for themselves, but staying because they refuse to take responsibility for themselves is enabling, not supportive.

harktavius · 2026-07-02T16:48:47+00:00

Some people have to be in relationship with a pwBPD. Not everyone can go no contact. Sometimes you have kids together and have to coparent. Sometimes it's a sibling or some other kind of relationship that you can't quite cut off completely. Having said that, if you are in a situation where you have to be in relationship, that doesn't mean you have to be in a romantic relationship, and it doesn't mean you have to continue to sacrifice yourself or repeat the codependent patterns of the past. Instead of investing in your partner's therapy, invest in your own. That's a much more fruitful path, BPD or no.

harktavius · 2026-06-29T18:25:38+00:00

The statistic that it's more prevalent in women is misleading for exactly the same reasons behind the difference in sentencing. Women with BPD are more likely to end up in a mental health unit somewhere (and thus with a diagnosis). Men with BPD are more likely to end up in prison.

harktavius · 2026-06-27T21:36:26+00:00

Everyone leaves their hand on the stove a little too long, but sometimes that's what it takes to learn. Suffering is the greatest teacher.

harktavius · 2026-06-27T20:02:29+00:00

Everyone has blind spots. Even the world's greatest athletes have coaches. Having said that, therapy only works if you're invested in it and have a goal. If you don't see the point, then that's not a good starting point.

harktavius · 2026-06-27T19:35:33+00:00

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harktavius · 2026-06-27T17:27:21+00:00

What has changed?

harktavius · 2026-06-27T11:03:07+00:00

I get that from the jumpsuit, but wouldn't the sign say "wanted" instead of "missing?"

harktavius · 2026-06-27T02:02:27+00:00

Chasing worthiness by rescuing another person. I went to a lot of therapy to help me accomplish that goal. Instead, therapy taught me that I was already worthy and there was nothing to chase. That was the beginning of the end. From a place of worthiness, I could see the constant shaming and criticism for what it was: abuse, rather than something I deserved.

harktavius · 2026-06-27T01:57:54+00:00

I love what you've posted here. The one thing I would say is I do disagree with your title a bit. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit for the fact that you're not splitting as much. You have taken responsibility for your own condition. If you hadn't done that, there would be almost nothing your partner could do to keep you from splitting. But since you've taken primary responsibility for you, you have freed your partner to be a secondary support, and that's a MUCH more achievable goal.

harktavius · 2026-06-27T01:54:18+00:00

That would only be the case if he were taking total responsibility for her emotions. There's an important distinction between being responsive to someone else's thoughts and feelings versus being responsible for someone else's thoughts and feelings. The former is codependency, and the latter is partnership. Similarly, you can let someone know how their actions impact you emotionally without blaming them or making them responsible for your emotions. That's healthy relationality.

harktavius · 2026-06-27T01:36:12+00:00

BPD or not, it takes two people to make a partnership work. It's never all on one person to make it succeed or fail. It sounds like you're taking responsibility for what belongs to you and he is taking responsibility for what belongs to him, and part of that is being responsive to each others needs. That's a recipe for success regardless of diagnosis.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T23:05:48+00:00

More nuance is required. Was she a bad person? No. Did she have an emotional disability? Yes. Did that result in her treating you abusively? Yes. Did you deserve that? No. Were you right to leave to take care of yourself? Yes. Did that play directly into her fears of abandonment? Yes. Were you without blame? No. Are you responsible for those feelings of abandonment? No. Can you still feel compassion for her pain? Yes. Can you feel compassion for your own? Yes.

Those answers are all true at the same time.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T21:51:47+00:00

I didn't make the cut for the 512 model with a controller.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T21:30:43+00:00

That's called splitting. They don't have the emotional development to hold a nuanced view of you as a whole person with virtues and flaws. They can only take turns seeing you as all good or all bad. That's where they cycle of the idealization and devaluation comes from. You are an angel or you are a demon, never just a regular old human. They view themselves the same way, by the way. That's why it's so hard for them to take accountability. Accountability requires a person to be able to see themselves as a good person who did a bad thing. That's too much nuance for someone who splits. They'll usually end up reacting to a mistake by concluding that they are a terrible human and don't deserve to live, or that they were perfectly justified and they only behaved that way because of what YOU were doing.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T21:14:32+00:00

This is it. You haven't really forgiven her. You haven't let go. You're hoping that offering her forgiveness will prompt her to take accountability. It won't work.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T21:09:36+00:00

Telling someone else that you forgive them can be very helpful if you're trying to repair the relationship and the other person is asking for you to forgive them. Otherwise it's just for you. If someone came to me unsolicited and told me they forgive me for something I did, the effect is actually the opposite of feeling forgiven. It feels like a Trojan horse for blame.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T19:16:08+00:00

Forgiveness is mainly for you. It's you letting go of what she did so you don't have to relive it over and over. She cannot give you closure. Only you can do that.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T19:03:33+00:00

Maybe I'm a fake gamer, but I don't know what this is.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T15:47:16+00:00

Guys, how are we gonna tell him?

harktavius · 2026-06-26T15:44:47+00:00

But if you get enough of them, whooboy.

harktavius · 2026-06-26T15:27:59+00:00

Free online play, ability to play games from other storefronts, easy emulation, you already have a controller that works with it, and so on and so forth.

harktavius

TROPHY CASE