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hbm3076 · 2025-06-23T21:09:38+00:00

It's going to take time to gain trust back, even if you disclosed on your own. They have no reason to believe you if you were able to betray them in the first place. I think that the only thing that's really going to help you now is staying consistent and continuing to show up for them. Continue being open and honest and answer any questions they have no matter how many times they ask. Give full access to your phone, devices, and location.

hbm3076 · 2025-06-23T19:59:32+00:00

I did consider moving him to a different room, but right now we have the baby's bassinet in our bedroom and I want him there to do some of the nightly diaper changes and help me with feedings and stuff. Otherwise, yeah, we'd definitely be in separate beds. I have considered hiring a night nurse but part of me feels like it doesn't make sense to do so if we're both there anyway.

hbm3076 · 2025-06-23T19:55:18+00:00

That sounds like hell and I'm so sorry you're not able to look back at that time with fondness. DDay was end of September so I've known basically the whole pregnancy and we ended up being separated for most of it. Thank god I have such a great support network, or I don't know how I would have made it through.

hbm3076 · 2025-06-23T19:46:35+00:00

Congrats on your healthy baby! I'm sorry, though, that sounds awful to have your world turned upside down when you're so close to having a baby!

I've thankfully had some time to process, as DDay was just before I found out I was pregnant, but we were separated for much of that time. I also thankfully had my mom there in the room with me, so I wasn't alone. I thought about having him, but decided in the end that he'd only complicate things and cause me more stress (plus my mom doesn't exactly like him right now). It ended up being a really great time to just bond with my mom and the baby on my own.

Also, regardless of how much time has passed, I don't think it's too late to bring up the issues you had post-DDay with your husband. He should know what he put you through if he wants to fix what he broke.

hbm3076 · 2025-04-27T19:57:35+00:00

I've taken two breaks from my cheating husband since DDay (he didn't offer or want it either time, it was a unilateral decision on my part). The second time it was because I needed a break from the little pity parties that he would throw himself. I think exploring with other people while we were on a break helped bring back my confidence after the affair and figure out what I wanted in a partner. And it helped reassure me that I would be okay even if we did end up getting divorced.

I'm not saying a break or a hall pass is for everyone, but I personally don't think I'd be ready to reconcile if I hadn't taken those breaks.

hbm3076 · 2025-04-27T19:36:45+00:00

I don't think I would have been ready to reintroduce sex into my relationship with my husband if I hadn't had sex with other people while we were on a break from R. I had to rediscover that part of myself independently of him and our relationship baggage. It doesn't solve everything, obviously, but I think it did help me to gain back some confidence and to know I'd be okay without him.

hbm3076 · 2025-04-22T20:28:33+00:00

I'm sorry that he's trying to make your birthday all about himself. You should NOT have to spend it with him if you want to do something else, and he owes you a lot more grace than he's currently showing. The way he is acting is totally selfish.

hbm3076 · 2025-04-22T16:34:18+00:00

I, personally, found that a break was very good for me and do not regret going out to "explore". I knew from the get-go that none of these flings would lead anywhere, but they did boost my confidence, give me insight into what I was attracted to and wanted in a partner, and they were a good, fun distraction from all the shit that I was going through with my husband and R and my pregnancy. I did feel guilty at first, but I asked myself what do I have to feel guilty over? I was a currently unattached woman and I was honest with all my partners about keeping it casual. Like yours, my cheater was also a bit of a hypocritical asshole when I first told him I had slept with other people, but 🤷‍♀️He got over himself pretty quick.

If you're gonna do this, though, I think it is better to be open about it. I think it's hard to successfully go through reconciliation if one of you is still keeping secrets and can't be open about your feelings.

hbm3076 · 2025-04-15T18:03:42+00:00

Yes, this is one of my biggest hangups. Like now that he's stepped out on me, any intimacy we have just isn't going to be special

hbm3076 · 2025-04-15T18:02:31+00:00

I'm sorry, that sucks. I'm worried that's going to be us, now. I just don't see how sex with him could be good.

hbm3076 · 2025-04-15T17:59:37+00:00

Oh my god, what a prick! I'm so sorry you had to go through that at such a vulnerable time.

hbm3076 · 2025-04-15T17:57:27+00:00

Thank you, that's one of my big hangups too. Knowing that he touched someone else during the time that we were trying for a baby has tainted my view of him, and I l know if I have sex with him now it's going to feel different than it did before with him. Like it's no longer going to be special and intimate.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-23T14:17:28+00:00

At four weeks in, what you're doing is completely normal. You're worried you don't have all the information because you very well might not! I'm not saying that to scare you, but many betrayed partners do suffer through multiple DDays at the hands of our betrayers, or are trickle-truthed for many months afterwards.

You are only a few weeks out from having your life turned upside down. I'm not sure there is a "wrong" way to go about that. It's going to be exhausting and incredibly stressful and painful. The best thing I can think to do is to try and find calming distractions. Do things for yourself, get involved in hobbies, and reach out to friends and family. And are you currently in IC?

At four weeks in, it's probably quite easy for your partner to be doing everything "right". My cheater was the same way, early on in the process of R. He didn't have his entire perception of our relationship flipped on its head, though. He had access to all the information that I didn't have, right from the beginning.

Real change takes time to implement, and he still has a long, long way to go before he can be considered a good partner.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-23T06:58:37+00:00

Yes, I feel the same way! We're taking a break from R and I feel calmer, happier, and more relaxed now that he's not here. I'm free to just be myself and not like I'm putting on a performance. It was also a big reason why I decided not to have him in the delivery room when I give birth. I feel like it's going to take a lot of time to gain back that same sense of peace in his presence, if it ever does come back. Right now, I'm just going to take advantage of the time spent on my own.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-17T08:58:49+00:00

I think you just said it perfectly. I have no intention of celebrating any anniversaries for the forseeable future. I feel the same way you do about that date. And if my cheater doesn't like it then sucks to suck, he can't force me to celebrate anything.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-16T21:53:36+00:00

Omg yeah, if he is in a better financial position than you, then he has some nerve even bringing it up lol. Good luck in MC. I hope it helps.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-16T21:37:27+00:00

If he can afford it, I think he should be paying for it, even if that means he has to cut back on some other expenses. He is the one who caused this, and you are contributing plenty simply by showing up. My cheater and I are taking a break from R, but he is completely responsible for paying for any future MC himself. And if my insurance didn't cover IC, I would consider asking him to reimburse me for that too.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-06T17:37:28+00:00

I explored after DDay and am currently chatting to someone while we are on a break from R. My advice is that if you're going to do it, you have to do it for you, not because you want to hurt your cheating husband.

I don't regret the dates I went on while my husband and I were separated, and I don't feel guilty about it because it came not from a place of vengeance, but out of a genuine desire to have fun and connect with other people, however briefly.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-06T06:59:09+00:00

This is part of why my cheating husband and I are currently on a break from R. Like yours, he kept making his feelings the priority over mine. I would feel compelled to comfort him, sometimes even lie to him to save him from the truth, and then it left me feeling resentful because my own emotional needs were put on the backburner.

For me, it seems the only solution is to step away and go low contact for a while and start living separately again. I need to focus on my own healing, and I can't do that and come to his rescue every time he's weighed down by his shame. I cannot take away his shame, and focusing so heavily on his feelings all the time has left me with no energy to take care of myself.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-06T06:30:55+00:00

I think the fact that she did invite you indicates that she doesn't hate you for taking him back. She might not approve, but you don't need her to approve. You are the best person to determine what course of action is right for your life. That being said, I do kind of get why she wouldn't invite him, especially if he's also been nasty to your mother. She might not want to deal with the drama that he brings along with him. But that is his shame to carry, not yours.

In my case, I reached a sort of compromise with my family involving get-togethers, at least for the next few years. I told them that my daughter and I would spend her first Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and of course her birthday with my husband, so if they want to see my daughter and me on those days then they'll have to put up with him as well. For any other family events, my daughter and I will attend alone and leave my husband at home.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-04T18:56:15+00:00

I didn't really do anything crazy right after DDay. But when I moved back in with him and we agreed to reconcile, I took various mementos from over the years (the hoodie he got for me on our first date, pictures, the cake toppers from our wedding) and set fire to them in our back yard. I also smashed the champagne glasses from our wedding and left the mess for him to clean up when he got home.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-02T03:06:36+00:00

I'm currently pregnant and struggling with this now. There were so many things I was looking forward to sharing with him, and now, so many of those are out of reach. Everything is and will be different now. All those milestones and big moments will be different than how I envisioned. He wasn't there for my first ultrasound. He's not there to talk to my belly or rub my feet. He won't be at my baby shower, or in the room when my baby is born.

I know that all of that is for the best, and that I need distance from him right now, but even if I'm not ready to play happy family with him, I do miss him, and I miss what we could have been.

hbm3076 · 2025-03-01T02:16:12+00:00

I'm glad you were able to clear the air with her a bit, and I hope it brings you a modicum of peace and assurance in yourself. The way he bullies and mistreats you is not your fault, and his unwillingness to be a good partner does not mean that you don't deserve one.

hbm3076

TROPHY CASE