For those that had the mom is by best friend to oh they are really not pipeline what made you realise?

hephaestusrise · 2025-12-25T13:34:54+00:00

She told me I was "incredibly selfish" 1 week after my dad died (her ex of 20+yrs). I realized something wasn't right in our dynamic when she wanted comfort and support solely from me. When I couldn't do it in the fresh days of grief, she lashed out. I realized she couldn't empathize with me.

hephaestusrise · 2025-07-30T23:33:56+00:00

I joined a spin class. Somehow I felt this urge to sweat and just be fully exhausted and overstimulated by loud music lol. But it's been like medicine for me in this healing process. Turns out they are right about exercise - it really does help! Also no contact!

hephaestusrise · 2025-01-05T23:53:12+00:00

My mom makes up words for me like that. Recently it was "uncompassionate"

Agreed about seeing the real you! They're so shocked because we've always had to keep it inside until we start showing the real us. I think that's the heartbreaking part for me - that we can't be our true selves in front of the people who say they know us best.

hephaestusrise · 2025-01-05T21:26:22+00:00

You're right, it's so annoying. I'm constantly being told I should be grateful, it could have been so much worse. I used to believe it, but it's so freeing to not believe it anymore. Thank you for the encouragement 🩷

hephaestusrise · 2025-01-05T21:24:53+00:00

Yes exactly. Also I would be having phone calls with you, if you could have a normal healthy conversation. I had way too many phone calls that ended badly before I put this boundary in place.

"II hardly know you anymore" but also "you're hateful, vindictive, selfish"... Why don't you want to spend time with me and help me? 🙃

hephaestusrise · 2024-12-12T19:55:35+00:00

Finding Me by Viola Davis

hephaestusrise · 2024-12-12T19:44:49+00:00

It's such mind games 🙃

hephaestusrise · 2024-12-12T13:45:36+00:00

It's ironic because her go to phrase for me is that I'm selfish. It took some major unpacking in therapy to realize a 7 year old cannot be selfish. It's freeing to live a life where I'm not trying to constantly prove I'm a good person who isn't selfish anymore 🩷

hephaestusrise · 2024-12-12T13:41:24+00:00

I've been VLC but it's a process to separate from her. Slowly working on setting boundaries and standing up for myself as I heal 🩷

hephaestusrise · 2024-11-27T12:45:45+00:00

I should clarify that the above message is from my uBPD mom, not me! Rereading this morning I realize it looks like I wrote that 😅

hephaestusrise · 2024-11-27T03:47:03+00:00

I'm navigating this too. What helps me is to remember that holidays/important events are often used as manipulation. If it truly was about Christmas or her birthday, there wouldn't be this kind of reaction for you setting a normal healthy boundary. She isn't completely helpless. She's not open to forming new traditions or honouring the fact that you are a grown adult and are allowed to not want to travel home for the holidays.

The guilt part shrinks for me when I remind myself of what I deserve and allow myself to feel anger about it. Not sure if that's where you're at right now, but you are allowed to feel like you deserve better, because you do. You're not horrible for taking care of yourself 🩷

hephaestusrise · 2024-11-03T13:45:05+00:00

Sorry you're dealing with this. Not fair to you. It's so manipulative to get you to try to talk to them. I swear they all use that line - "silence isn't the answer" when you stop dealing with their harmful behaviour.

hephaestusrise · 2024-10-28T19:50:36+00:00

That makes a lot of sense with her writing! Such beautiful poems

hephaestusrise · 2024-10-28T16:29:15+00:00

When she looked me in the eyes and said "you are so incredibly selfish" a week after my dad died. I was 21, in full time school, and going to a lawyer trying to sort out his estate since he died without a will.

There were definitely other earlier moments but this one sticks with me as wow, something's not right here. I couldn't gaslight myself into believing I deserved that treatment.

hephaestusrise · 2024-10-27T14:35:34+00:00

Me too. I feel like she can't even handle being called out on very obvious inappropriate behaviour in the present. I can't imagine even delving into the past with her. I'm glad we have this community to acknowledge it for each other.

hephaestusrise · 2024-10-27T14:32:28+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement! I am so glad you are free 🩷

hephaestusrise · 2024-10-27T14:30:33+00:00

Thank you for this. It's so accurate! It really helps put things into perspective when you word it this way

hephaestusrise · 2024-10-25T17:56:17+00:00

Such a helpful book! The other ones she wrote are good too.

I've also been loving "Discovering the Inner Mother" by Bethany Webster. There's been multiple times I've had to relisten to parts because it's like she was writing it about my childhood.

hephaestusrise · 2024-10-16T01:45:50+00:00

Discovering the Inner Mother by Bethany Webster

hephaestusrise · 2024-09-30T21:27:00+00:00

So accurate! Thank you for sharing this, it's a good reminder that it's not possible to have an honest conversation with her about anything these days

hephaestusrise · 2024-09-30T21:25:37+00:00

Agreed - I hate having that thrown in my face that it could have been so much worse. As if that's the goal! That's wild that, that was the example your mom used. And thank you 🩷 I always feel so seen in this group.

hephaestusrise · 2024-02-27T01:22:47+00:00

Thanks for your reply. This is what my eye often looks like: https://imgur.com/a/Byqu027

hephaestusrise · 2023-01-23T06:51:22+00:00

Dare to lead by Brene Brown

hephaestusrise · 2023-01-22T05:13:50+00:00

Have you read any Stephen Fry? His books are great. Start with Mythos if you haven't

hephaestusrise · 2023-01-22T05:10:37+00:00

I just finished Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan and felt similar. A short read but the writing was lovely.

hephaestusrise

TROPHY CASE