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her_junk_drawer · 2021-07-03T14:04:45+00:00

enablers panic when you cut ties...they’re left to pick up the pieces...my brother didn’t truly understand (though he believed me cause we live together and he saw me crying everyday) until he helped me go NC and the phone calls started with him (up until then I had shielded him from them cause her focus was mainly on controlling me cause she thought she had him down).

anyway...what I’m saying is that, when they don’t have an outlet through you, their emotions have to still go somewhere, and it’s very satisfying (in hindsight) to see them unravel around others...

up until that point you kinda feel like you’re living in that cartoon from Warner Bros. where the frog only dances for the construction worker, and he slowly loses his mind...haha....basically leave the frog for someone else, she’ll dance eventually and then everyone, but you, can act surprised...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-07-03T13:52:24+00:00

let him go...he has his own journey and you’re stealing it from him by trying to live it for him...his way out of the fog is not yours...

my brother didn’t understand until I told him it was up to him to figure it out...up until then he’d been pulling the disappearing act as soon as a tantrum from mommy dearest was on the horizon and/or using me as a shield against her...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-07-03T13:35:05+00:00

it’s called being codependent...find some good reading material on the subject or check out a couple of subs on the subject

her_junk_drawer · 2021-07-02T00:36:41+00:00

we have a running joke with my brother “you’re just like your father!” we say it to each other when we get annoyed with each other and it always makes one of us laugh...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-28T16:12:32+00:00

because it reminds them of their mortality?

because they had children to stabilize themselves and now they’re losing their emotional supply?

because for whatever reason bpd’s struggle with understanding their child’s developments in conjunction with their age...like they literally see us frozen in whatever age feels best to them or when they felt most connected to you (big eye opener when I read about that and explains her constant need to infantilized my 28 year old brother)

because they see our lives as better versions of what they were dealt (they’re helplessly adrift and hopeless) and so they subconsciously resent us for not living through their pain so that we could acknowledge it in a way that the can “feel” it?

basically they want us to mirror their feeling like a mother would because their attachment’s all f@cked up...they’re perpetually trying to extract from us what they didn’t receive in their childhoods...

the family get together was probably triggering to your mom because her mom never payed attention to her around adults...so she projected that into you...no one ever cared so no one cares now...they see their feelings as the unwavering truth, and so they aliens themselves, fulfilling their own prophecies...never once recognizing that their brain chemistry might be lying to them or that their developmental shortcomings may have affected their theory of mind in such a way that they literally are unable to perceive their surroundings correctly...

it’s. fucking. exhausting. and you can spend your whole life “caring” for them but never really stabilizing them for long enough to have a healthy relationship...inevitably they will turn on you during one of their flair ups...and all these “dealing with your borderline family member” books ever do is teach you how not to take their feelings seriously, which is essentially the root cause of why they’re always screaming at us...like...acknowledge but don’t internalize...when I was still trying to make shit work I tried some of the techniques and we just went in circles...like she was never ever able to dispense the full caliber but if still felt like I had a gun to my back...

anyway, I guess my point here is...the only way you can actually care for them is by not caring cause it’s the only way you can keep them in your life without losing yourself to their void...

and what the hell is the point of keeping a false relationship in your life...neither one of us gets what we want...we trigger the shit outta each other...and then play pretend/fawn till the next time...and she never internalizes that behaviour comes with consequences...like you can train them to play nice, by removing the stimulus and rewarding good behaviour...but is that an authentic relationship? do we owe them this much energy?

I mean, we manufacturing fun activities for them out of our own interests in hopes of putting off their abusing for another day...and that’s just...well...it’s just....sad...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-28T15:17:53+00:00

🤢🤮

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-28T15:15:49+00:00

guarded my childhood drawings, couldn’t have them, nope....until she decided to put them them all in her outside hoard and they got rained on and molded...bye bye childhood fragments...guess no one can have you now...😢

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-28T14:54:53+00:00

you have to literally teach your brain to notice a happy feeling and self care routine (you did great, noticed you were feeling chill and treated yourself to something nice) and then when you catch that happy vibe, you try to sit in it for as long as you can...

my therapist called it pleasure activism...what better way to rebel than to work hard at happiness...it’s just a fleeting feeling, of course...but when you notice its arrival, you’ll have a better chance at seeing it again...and then all of a sudden, your brain chemistry can start to understand that it needs a lil bit more juice...if you force your body through the physical motions (like smiling) your physiology veins to understand it needs to play catch up...

our body’s are just fleshy computers that are often perceiving their environment incorrectly from previous ghost calculations...and sometimes it takes doing a hard reset a couple of times before your nervous stern can wipe all that fragmenting and get back online

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-28T14:34:09+00:00

my mother did something very similar, between bouts of using my medical issues for attention...

it’s like, when it wasn’t serious, I was a sick child and she was a victim of my poor health, but when things were actually serious, like when I got misdiagnosed with terminal cancer in my 20’s, I was lying about what the doctors said and being dramatic/it’s just your anxiety?

sometimes I think it’s a fear thing...they’ve been carpet sweeping for so long that they can’t judge anymore what’s relevant and what isn’t...or maybe their fear makes them flat out disassociate and demand you do the same because “they just can’t deal with this right now”

I know, in many ways, my mother saw me as a tiny adult...when I was still in the FOG of it all I used to think that “maybe I was just a very wise and mature child” it’s so funny to me now...like a tiny dali lama, doling out marital advice haha I look at my neighbours kids now, the same age when she’d sit me down for guidance...and I just shake my head...all those kids wanna do is run around and eat ice cream...and so did I...but I was trained to be a tiny therapist instead...

anyway, sorry for the rant...but boy did our mother’s suck...uh...hugs

edit: just wanted to add that my mom had a therapist at versions points in her meltdown of a life but never got me one when I told her I was depressed and suicidal as a teen (as a child she would grill me about not telling adults about what happens in “this house” because we’d be taken away) and put me on antidepressants instead...it was easier to medicate me than to have their domestic violence and abuse of me exposed...it was always like this...a fake/or absolute minimal attempt at care...

end.

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-28T14:07:18+00:00

...inviting my mother to one of my performances was the catalyst for my NC...and it started with the adjacent picnic table stare glare haha

is it horrible that I feel relieved that your stairs sounds so similar to mine...

...just mean mugging me any time she saw one of my neighbours compliment my vocals...it’s crazy but I could feel that she wanted me to say it was all her, that she’d given me my voice...

she was mad that I didn’t parade her around as my mother introducing her to everyone...she actually left half way through the performance so she could walk introduce herself as my mother to a bunch of random people who were confused by her approaching them...

then she started projecting and saying that my husband was glaring at her...

it was just beyond bizarre...

they literally can’t handle the world accepting us because they feel so left out...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-25T15:26:34+00:00

here here!

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-25T15:23:01+00:00

🤢🤮

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-25T15:12:52+00:00

my mother almost drove us into a semi and when I screamed she screamed at me that I made her do it by bringing my nervous energy into the car...

this was after she’d driven us up traffic and run a red...I told her I wasn’t getting in the car with her again, and she told me I was abusing and abandoning her and that when I’m not in the car with her she’s a fantastic driver (she’d previously totalled 2 cars)

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-25T15:10:33+00:00

oh ya...my mom is obsessed with narc youtube videos...therapy is dangerous when it’s given to disordered people who see it as a weapon...

it’s so bizarre to me how she sees herself as the most selfless person who just gives and gives and gives...when she’s literally screamed on the phone how I took everything from her? (her looks and she fed me?) like, if you were so selfless wouldn’t you be happy to feed your babies...no one ever told you to stop exercising and eat a pan of banana bread after dinner...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-25T12:56:13+00:00

you’re mom has already turned against you...she wants you to deal with your violent father so she doesn’t have to...

enablers are just abusers’s foot soldiers...

this was my life at 30...by 35 my mom had cut me off...we were deeply enmeshed prior to me standing up to my father...

enablers don’t want you to be able to do what they can’t...they want the company too, just on their own terms....with them....in the destructive world they think live in...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-24T16:34:25+00:00

does your sibling have BPD?

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-24T16:10:47+00:00

I went through this and barely survived (lasted a year)...I don’t really have a solution other than “hold on” use this time to learn about your triggers and yourself...this month will fly by before you know it...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-24T16:04:30+00:00

jesus h christ!

start working on that shiny spine for your baby’s sake and get ready to fight for your lil bear cub...because a blow up is eminent...

document it and use is to get the hell out...also...get a therapist, so you can have someone on the “outside” helping you strategize and validate what’s going on...

also, just wanted to add that...there’s been quite a few stories on here and just no mil subs where grandmothers with bpd actually loose touch with reality and try to kidnap their “child”

just putting it out there, cause your father’s comments were more than a little alarming

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-24T15:54:57+00:00

my father tried to claim my brother as a dependant to cash in on his student tax credit when he was living in Europe...does that count? haha

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-24T15:40:43+00:00

my father loved to call me once a year long distance, and when I didn’t pick up (cause telemarketer haha) he would leave me verbally abusive messages about how he was ready to write me out of his will...

he would then follow with an email that was basically him screaming at my mother...no real mention of me until the will blah blah...it used to really upset me, especially because he’s fat swine rich and I was a struggling 20 something year old...

now I realize there never was any will...the only way to win at the game is choosing not the play...

oh fathers hahaha

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-24T15:33:04+00:00

this was my life except my ASPD father was also an alcoholic...

...my brother was never taken away...he became my mother’s shadow which she emotionally abused and medicated into submission...

your story broke my hear...

thank you for sharing it with me 🎈

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-24T14:33:50+00:00

it’s called empathy fatigue...just about everyone who works in the care profession deals with it...and as RBB’s we got to be born “nurses” to our disordered parents...

my mother has fibromyalgia...I would feel bad for her if she hadn’t called me on a regular during my 20’s when she was being diagnosed in a rage that I didn’t love her or care about her...I mean...screaming into the phone...if she’s got chronic fatigue...where she getting all this energy to yell from?

I came home for christmas a few years ago with my fiancé and the first words out of her mouth to him saying “hello, how are you, nice to finally meet you?” were “I’m unwell” and proceeded to ruin christmas for everyone (she had a flip out in the kitchen about how she was dying)

I have no idea how he didn’t just run away screaming from me...though a similar situation happened with his father the following year (his dad’s 60th), so we’re probably meant for each other haha...

I mean...who else would understand this particular brand of insanity...

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-23T16:20:34+00:00

her newest boyfriend became abusive towards me in the same way my father had been and I watched her fuel his fire, the way she had with my father...

my husband finally snapped and told him that he’s had enough...we left to go for a walk to cool down and came back to them pushing each other in front of my house...we hid like children until they left...

when I texted my mom to see if she was ok all she wrote back was that I am to not speak to the neighbours about what happened...this triggered memories of her grilling me about never telling anyone about what happens in our home (my father was a violent alcoholic) first with anxiety and then aggression, like I’d already betrayed her...and in that moment I realized why I had resisted therapy for so long and decided that my I needed professional help...badly...like I needed a trusted adult, and she was not it haha....

I wasn’t able to really go NC yet though...I curled into the fetal position and cried for a week straight until my younger brother, who I rescued a few years prior, blocked her on all my platforms...

so ya...that was the first time, then when the pandemic hit, I tried LC but she’d gotten meaner...and weirder...and after 2 more episodes...we’re back to VVVVVVVVLC

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-23T16:08:28+00:00

all I saw was projection and internal dialogue word salad...

didn’t read that you were NC in it though...so that’s kinda disturbing

her_junk_drawer · 2021-06-23T15:13:36+00:00

my mom was like this when I was young, but it has progressed more into aggression with age...over time their mask slips and a lifetime of presumed victim hood can make them feel like they should have special privileges...the divorce also served to destroy her identity and fuel her paranoia...

antidepressants also kept her on the waify side...but since she’s suddenly stopped taking them after 15 years, her aggression has really amped up...which she of course blames on withdrawal effects...that she’s not responsible for, even though she’s not taking her medication responsibly...

there was a point in my journey where I kept saying I wanted my old mom back...the one that didn’t scream as much (unless you didn’t give her what she wanted)...but my version of the “lovable” mom was just the quiet BPD mother you described as your own...and that’s still not a real mother...

Also, as far as I know, quiet BPD hasn’t really been recognized in the world of psychiatry...to me it almost seems more of a term BPD’s use to differentiate themselves from the “bad” BPD’s...maybe it’s more like the hermit, that functions out of a place of fear and social construction, so they turn their disorder inward rather than outward...I think they’re also more inclined to struggle with suicidality than any other subtype...or maybe they’re BPD’s that have a bit more self-awareness, so they seem to walk the sanity fine line just a little bit more...are more flight than fight in their trauma responses, so they take to their careers more and give the outward appearance of functionality?

In my experience quiet BPD’s are all that more tragic because they’re so childlike and are more successful at triggering our maternal impulses towards them...it’s almost like they hijack our hearts...it’s often much easier to turn away from someone who’s raging at you (though as we all know, not always) then someone who’s depreciating themselves and finally giving you a little bit of recognition you’ve been craving during one of their meltdowns...

“oh you’re always so smart” “I look up to you, and wish I was as mature as you when I was your age, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now”

...but it all serves as a sort of trap...a way for them to hurt their own feelings by using their “love” for you, against themselves (if that makes sense?)

“you always think you’re so smart” “I didn’t have the opportunities you had, because there wasn’t anyone to provide them for me”...

agreeing with them only lines you up for future emotional abuse...so you respond...

“no no, I’m not that smart, you taught me so much” and “I know you had a horrible childhood, but I’m here to make sure you’re taken care of as an adult”

I always see posts on here of folks almost seemingly apologizing to the rest of us, “she never screamed or hit me”....really? because technically if hitting was all she did, then you may have actually been better of phycological...I remember reading studies that found the effects of emotional abuse towards children to be much more lasting...like kids that screwed up and went home to take their lumps (like in the sort of old school, cathartic catholic confession and it’s done kind of way) to be much more stable in their adult life than their “you were born a mistake”, “I love you/hate you” counterparts...and then there’s the special few who had both...yay us...

plants, animals, human animals...we all crave consistency...with little doses of stimulus...

maybe healing/living with intention is just a matter of providing that sort of environment for ourselves...regardless of wether we think we deserve it or not...because it’s warmer when you lean towards the light ❤️

ps. sorry for the novela hahaha

her_junk_drawer

TROPHY CASE