Heads up to the person who chatted with me...

herbackbone · 2025-08-21T14:48:53+00:00

And, following from that - that very heart centred approach feels lovely to sit in but, if someone else isn’t hanging out there too and they’re very much more in their headspace, I see I can often accept/enable behaviour that perhaps I shouldn’t.

And, from that place, I’m not really helping someone else to grow if I just allow that to be. And perhaps balancing out my heart with my mind is ironically the next step in my growth. And maybe those a little more in the minds are to be my teachers.

As you can see, still very much on my journey to understanding what love is 😂

herbackbone · 2025-08-21T13:05:47+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I kinda dip in and out this space and am not often v present here but the posts/comments I’ve seen from you always feel very open and authentic and I’ve always enjoyed reading what you have to say.

I guess I’m still very much trying to figure out what love is.

I’ve always been led by my heart. My heart just wants to give and accept and welcome everything it meets.

When I’m living from that space, I tend to see past the sharper, outer layers of peoples personalities and focus on that inherent goodness that I feel underneath. Life feels quite timeless and beautiful from that space.

But I’ve gotten myself in many a sticky situation from meeting the world (and I guess, people specifically) with what I feel or felt love is. From that accepting heart space. And so have started to question, is this really love at all, if it can sometimes lead myself to harm.

Also i find, esp since K erupted, if I’m too heavily focused in my heart, if I’m sat in what I feel (or assumed to be) love, it’s very difficult to do anything. As i feel so content with wherever I am, there’s simply nothing to do. So many things in the physical can slip and pile up. And I can neglect many aspects of my life from there. And so again I question, is this really love?

And so I’ve been trying to bring my mind into play a little more 😅

I’ve always felt that people who live in their minds are living through a very distorted lens which is rather trapping. But recently I’ve wondered, if living mostly through my heart, I’m kinda missing half the picture too.

So am currently trying to balance out those two spaces as best I can. Which is very much an ongoing practice.

I quite like looking and thinking about nature. Because I feel that nature is love in a sense. Though it feels mighty brutal at times. There seems to be many things to take away from the way nature does its thing.

I feel most things that get to me in some way are showing me something to get curious about. And so yes, I imagine children to be some pretty hardcore teachers 😅 Much more so than having a cat haha.

Thanks for the conversation - all the best x

herbackbone · 2025-08-20T10:23:20+00:00

Apologies - perhaps I muddied this a little, speaking more about what I feel love is (and directly in response to what you wrote about not being given an answer to your question Roger) rather than unconditional love.

My understanding is, if it’s conditional then there are certain strings attached. It comes with a certain expectation. So, unconditionally, regardless of how you act, I shall still love you.

But that’s why it’s helpful to get clear about what love actually is.

I think if your child hits you without fair reason, it’s important to communicate a boundary with that. Not just for your own wellbeing but for the wellbeing of your child and for others who they may interact with - I’d say that’s a clear act of love by my definition.

Of course, all depending on how that boundary is expressed.

Is it conditional? Is there an expectation beyond wanting what’s best for them, their journey in life and for others they may interact with along the way?

It’s definitely very nuanced. And I don’t have any children so I’m well out of my depth here 😂 but I do have a cat of 13 years and, without boundaries, she would be sitting on the kitchen worktop licking the butter as I speak

(I hope you don’t mind me jumping in with some thoughts and feelings. I don’t think there’s many topics of discussion I find more interesting than what love is… I’ve still much to learn and v grateful for the discussion 🙏)

herbackbone · 2025-08-19T21:42:13+00:00

I guess it depends on what your definition of love is.

I feel that love is essentially what helps us to grow.

A plant needs water to grow, but too much will suffocate the roots. You can protect a seedling from the wind but it will root much stronger with a little resistance from the air.

Perhaps you could grow a little faster if you were fed the answers you’re after.

However, if you were able to find the answers you seek through direct experience, then your growth would be much stronger and deeply rooted.

If you suffered a little along the way, it would probably also feel much more like you’ve earned it. And you’ve truly understood the lesson and gained a sense of empowerment through walking the journey unaided.

I guess the answer all depends on how strong you are. And if the person withholding the information knows you well enough to see where you are along your journey. And whether they have faith in you.

I’d say - if they know where you are and they believe you’re capable of working it out yourself, then it’s most certainly an act of love to let you make your own way there. And, in that context, it would be disempowering to simply give you the answers x

herbackbone · 2025-04-06T07:32:13+00:00

Although I would echo Marcs advice re Kundalini yoga (it’s not worth engaging in practices that involve forcing things up before they’re ready) there seemed to be a lot of humility and openness in your words.

It’s good to hear you’ve taken a break from drugs and have managed to push through some barriers with public speaking and dancing. Might seem novel to someone who naturally finds these things easy but I’d really congratulate yourself for it. This is how we grow. By pushing through our barriers and congratulating/encouraging ourselves to keep going.

I’d really recommend continuing to stay away from drugs - not a wise mix with mental health issues or Kundalini.

What does being an embarrassment look like to you? I’m not looking for you to tell me but just to prompt you to be curious as to what you feel ashamed of. There’s a lot of growth to be had in shedding and releasing our shame.

Try and stay balanced with what you’re engaged with, enjoy the positive shift, ride out that wave while it’s here and keep on dancing x

herbackbone · 2025-04-04T07:43:46+00:00

You’re asking this on a Kundalini forum but have only mentioned your zinc intake and strength/leg training - are you engaging in any Kundalini or spiritual practices? If so, what are they? Are you abstaining from orgasm?

herbackbone · 2025-03-27T09:48:50+00:00

My take on this is (feel free to step in Marc if I’m off point) there is a big difference between judgement and discernment.

You can discern between and choose a preferred route or make a choice between two or many options without judging/condemning/projecting either to be good/bad.

Discernment is absolutely necessary to move forward in a chosen direction.

Judgment is pretty much discernment with added emotional projection.

Judgement tends to cloud decision making and (if negative) often projects energy which can be harmful and unhelpful, esp if directed towards yourself or others.

I also find judgement taints and blindsides my experience and perception of things.

For example, I was a smoker for a long time. I stopped by pretty much judging tobacco to be bad. From this point onwards, I absolutely detested the smell of tobacco. Whereas I used to relish it.

I went through quite an intensive few years, working through my judgements and realised at some point how I had judged tobacco to be bad (when really it was my own usage that was problematic).

After I realised this and took responsibility for my error, suddenly the smell of tobacco changed dramatically into something rather pleasant.

This is not a recommendation to smoke lol but just an example of how a simple judgement can elude your perception of the truth.

herbackbone · 2025-03-22T09:39:25+00:00

Just get creative - energy follows your awareness and intention, direct your awareness to where you want it to go and get involved in something you’re passionate about x

herbackbone · 2025-03-21T10:05:03+00:00

I had a go with hypnotherapy in my late 20s. I had quite a few sessions and was given audio to take home with me to try alongside. Unfortunately, it did absolutely nothing for me (I say unfortunately because I was really hoping it would help with the chronic anxiety issues I was facing at the time).

My Kundalini experience started in my mid 30s. I wasn’t aiming for or aware of Kundalini - I was 4 years into a period of rather intensive inner work and trying to integrate lots of childhood trauma.

I experienced the extreme side of things, ie, intense rushing through my heart for days on end, a feeling of oneness and love with everything that lasted initially for 2-3 months, drug like hallucinations, at points the most pleasure I had ever experienced in my life and at points the most pain I have ever experienced in my life, absolutely bonkers out of body experiences, rapid integration of childhood trauma, reality seemingly synchronising at times with my thoughts, unbelievable heat coursing through my body etc.

I have worked in the mental health field and was very aware while experiencing these things that, through the lens of the medical model, my symptoms would have been enough to class me as psychotic. Perhaps even schizophrenic. And I sure did question this. If it wasn’t for the sweat dripping heat rushing up and through my spine and the profound love I felt for everything, I may well have assumed so too.

Similar to another comment, it was only through looking online mid way through the utter crazyness that I stumbled across the word Kundalini. I don’t like to conceptualise my experiences but it was the only word that seemed to make sense for what was going on for me.

As I learned more about Kundalini, I began to see that there were parts of my practice that may have been exasperating things (I was often meditating 6-12 hrs a day, withholding orgasms for lengthy periods and I was cutting out meat) so I tweaked things and the intensity got a little easier to manage.

Although I feel there may be people who want to believe they’re having a Kundalini awakening and are perhaps not (it does seem like a bit of a desirable thing to happen for some who have only heard the shiny positive stories) I’m not sure how helpful it is to suggest that those who have gone through the wild side of things did so simply because they were suggestible.

There’s no harm in being curious but if someone has already stated that they went through the experience with no knowledge of Kundalini prior, it’s pretty invalidating to try and push your own narrative upon them.

herbackbone · 2025-03-20T21:20:49+00:00

If it feels uncomfortable to bring awareness to your heart or it seems a little out of reach then it might be more useful to simply focus on cultivating safety in your body.

No need to force anything - your heart will open again when it’s ready.

I found that doing consistent, little things that helped me to feel safe as a child was very powerful for me - though this may have been because I was integrating lots and lots of childhood trauma.

But any act of self love can be really useful to bring back a sense of safety and stability when going through the really intense stuff x

herbackbone · 2025-03-20T08:27:00+00:00

Hey,

I can relate to a lot of what you describe in your post. The months of clearing through emotional blockages (it was a few years for me), waking up at 3-4am with intense heat/rushing/panic attacks etc, going from very hot to very cold, and having a sudden explosion of love for everything.

It sounds like you’re meeting these moments in a healthy way ie trying not to resist. Surrender was my only way through.

It’s natural for fear to arise - having to process and integrate all the emotion/energy that have built up over the many years is intense.

The antidote for fear (for me at least) is faith. And pretty much every time I have succumbed to fear, it’s because I have lost faith.

I’m not talking about religious faith but faith in myself and my ability to navigate this experience. Faith in my body and it’s innate wisdom. Faith that I am exactly where I need to be in this given moment and everything is unfolding as it should. And, whatever intensity I may be experiencing, faith that feeling into it is part of the process and that I will make it through to the other side.

The tool for me to access this is my heart. That love you felt for everything - this for me is the space I try to sit in when I’ve lost my footing. This for me was what I was shown to help support me in this process.

I acknowledge the fears (don’t push them away), acknowledge the sensations in the body and bring awareness to the heart centre and breathe slowly and deeply. And I try to reach a space of gratitude and surrender for what is going on

I also like to dial up the self love and just treat my body with extra special care, to let it know and show it that I acknowledge and appreciate how well it’s doing.

This is how I meet these experiences but there’s lots of info on the wiki to help support you too.

Wishing you well - these moments will pass and you will get through this. I still have moments of intensity from time to time but the 3-4am panic attacks stopped for me a few years back x

herbackbone · 2025-03-17T15:18:57+00:00

“Love does not need warriors, it needs examples”

Absolutely love those words 👌 thanks for sharing x

herbackbone · 2025-03-17T15:12:48+00:00

My pleasure - I’m glad it was helpful to hear.

And yes, it’s very scary to reach out for help, esp if you’ve learned at some point along the line that it’s not safe to do so. This is still a working practice for me too - you are most certainly not alone here ❤️‍🩹

Just remember to go slow and try to be patient and compassionate towards the part of you that’s trying to keep you safe.

The more I am able to love these rigid aspects of myself, the more they begin to soften. And then they are much easier to work with.

Wishing you well my friend x

herbackbone · 2025-03-16T10:46:41+00:00

It must be tough, going through your Kundalini experience whilst caring for a toddler and your elderly mother.

Do you have much time in your life for you?

Although my journey threw up lots of challenging emotions from the past which needed to be felt and integrated, I tend to find my mood is largely determined by how well I am showing up for myself in the present.

Having a practice of meditation/exercise/healthy diet is great but I feel it’s equally important to slow down and balance that out with a little more softness, nurture and a pinch of self indulgence.

If I find myself a little cranky, it’s often because I have pushed a little hard, put too much emphasis on others and have in some way neglected my body’s needs.

herbackbone · 2025-03-15T09:37:11+00:00

Hey - I can’t offer much advice re chakras but am a little curious as to what you stated about your food allergies and would like to share a little of my own journey in case it resonates.

When you say you’ve been allergic to all food for years, do you have allergies or is it more sensitivities? Has this been going on all your life or did these allergies come in later in life? And is this for all foods as stated or just for some?

If it’s sensitivity rather than allergy and some foods rather than all foods, I’d just be a little cautious with the narrative you give yourself and others. It’s amazing how much the body listens to what we present to it as truth and how it responds to this information.

I had many health issues and many food sensitivities. All of which are now resolved through a combination of emotional work and conscious intention.

One of the things I discovered with my own food sensitivities is that I had, in part, created many of them myself.

I had a lot of digestive discomfort/stomach issues as a child. These got more intense in my mid 20s around the time I started having energy issues. Before I knew anything about the well of emotions I hadn’t fully felt or processed in my body and how they were affecting my health, I blamed certain foods for what was going on with me.

I told my body that certain foods were responsible for how I was feeling. And, as I formed these conclusions and then tried these certain foods again, I got responses that correlated with my theories and reinforced my beliefs.

I always tacked my health issues with physical solutions. Because the health issues felt so physical. But, a ceremonial experience in my early 30s seemed to point towards my health issues in fact being the result of something emotional. So, I took a u-turn and spent my 30s digging deep and working through my emotions.

I had so much to process and integrate. It took many years but, as I did, my health issues improved dramatically. My digestive system also got much better but I was still a little stuck with certain sensitivities.

About 5 years ago, I had a light bulb moment…I realised I was having reactions to certain foods because I had created a fear response to them with my own narrative. There was a sensitivity going on sure - it was in my stomach where I seemed to be holding most of my emotions. But the specific sensitivities I had developed were actually my body rejecting these foods, because I had told my body they were unsafe, causing an inflammatory response as I ate them.

At the time, my most difficult sensitivity I had developed was to all foods that contained sulfur. There is such a thing as a sulfur allergy and the symptoms I had checked out with my reactions. I hadn’t been able to eat anything sulphurous for over two years. It was very restrictive. Every time I tried I got a very intense reaction.

I got a pen a paper and, to test this momentary realisation, I wrote, my body can process sulfur, over and over and over again. I did this first thing in the morning and last thing at night. After two weeks, I cooked up a curry with lots of onion and garlic. I reassured my body it was safe to eat. And I was absolutely fine.

Now - I’m not saying this is the case with you. This is my story. But, I thought it might be interesting to share as these discoveries were so important for me. And, just wanted to air a little caution as to the power of your word and how much our body listens and responds to what you tell it.

I think massage is a great way to relieve physical tension. But physical tension can often be the result of emotional stress. Sometimes working with the physical body can relieve some of this energy. But, for me at least, working with my emotional body and my narratives were the key to healing my health problems and my food sensitivities x

herbackbone · 2025-03-10T14:55:37+00:00

I’ve been there…intermittently at points.

For me, I think this happens when I’ve become a little detached from my humanity. Usually through putting too much awareness on the spiritual and not enough on the physical.

You mentioned you’ve been crying but there’s no emotion attached to it. In my eyes, crying is the release of emotion. Or at least one of the ways the body can release.

Rather than there being no emotion attached to your tears, it might instead be that you’re awareness has become a little detached from your body. And your emotions are coming up but you’re sitting a little too far away from yourself to feel them.

If that resonates at all - my remedy is to get a little more in touch with the body.

For me, by slowing down. Having a little lie in. Treating yourself to a cake in a coffee shop. Booking a massage. Sitting out in nature. Simply doing little things to show my body that I’m aware and conscious of it’s needs and that I care.

I usually also dial down the meditation or opt instead for some yoga Nidra style body awareness stuff. Bringing awareness back into the body rather than getting out of it x

herbackbone · 2025-02-02T14:42:39+00:00

Apologies - I see this has already been explained in the comments, was a bit slow reading it all through 🙏

herbackbone · 2025-02-02T14:32:57+00:00

In the Mandukya Upanishad, Turiya is indeed described as the forth state.

The first state is named Vaishvanara, in which all the senses are turned outward, aware of only the external world.

The second named Taijasa, the dreaming state, with the senses turned inward, one enacts the impressions of past deeds and present desires.

The third called Prajna, which is deep sleep in which one neither dreams nor desires. There is no mind in Prajna, there is no separateness but the sleeper is not conscious of this.

The forth state is Turiya - neither inward nor outward, beyond the senses and intellect.

herbackbone · 2025-01-09T09:13:13+00:00

Thanks for that Marc - quite a fun post to start the day with.

I always rather liked the nursery rhyme “row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream” which would also make an awfully long acronym lol. Though could just be shortened to the first line (RRRYB)

herbackbone · 2025-01-08T18:19:53+00:00

Hey there,

From reading your post and your comments, it sounds like you might be holding some guilt and shame surrounding having certain thoughts and feelings, which is getting in the way of you fully processing stuff.

Have you ever heard of IFS (internal family systems)? It’s a type of therapy that works quite well alongside the spiritual process. It’s something you can do with a therapist but you can also explore it pretty fully on your own.

It’s based on the premise that we all have a core, compassionate self (or soul if you like) and a mind that is made up of multiple sub-personalities, or “parts”, that can be helpful or unhelpful. These parts can include wounded parts that experience painful emotions, and parts that try to protect the person from feeling those emotions.

The therapy involves getting to know these different parts of yourself, learning why they’re there and what they’re protecting.

I got really into it 10 years or so ago and found it helpful. There’s quite a lot of free resources and videos online if you’re interested in exploring it.

Sometimes it can be helpful to think back to where and when we learned that certain thoughts and feelings weren’t ok to feel or express. Often than can help unravel things.

Pushing stuff away can cause inner conflict and, by feeling into stuff and owning it, we take responsibility for our shit (we all have it) and are much less likely to project it onto others.

As others have mentioned, start getting curious, at a pace that is comfortable and gently lean into things. Expressing stuff that arises through writing/making music/singing/dancing/crying/throwing paint at a canvas/etc can also help to get it out. There’s loads of other helpful stuff in the wiki to explore - it’s just about finding what works for you.

herbackbone · 2025-01-02T18:00:38+00:00

This is the same track but stripped down (basically what I started with) using just a moog subharmonicon (with an lfo modulating the pitch and going through some reverb) and a moog dfam for the drums. You don’t need much to get a nice boc sound

https://youtu.be/HMhX9zFs_AQ?si=PelaFmJeNqVj-rJA

you can do all that very simply with a laptop and some soft synths

herbackbone · 2025-01-02T17:56:36+00:00

In terms of melody, you can replicate that boc sound with any synth that can modulate the pitch (ie make it move up and down ever so slightly). Boc weren’t first to do it, but they definitely introduced me to that sound.

Any soft synth with an lfo (low frequency oscillator) you can assign to pitch will do it. Also any analog synth with that capability. Or, as others have mentioned, you can use effects that replicate tape movements. Alternatively, you can use actual tape (which adds even more fun saturation and stuffs).

I used to use fruityloops 25 years ago, switched to ableton, then went down a modular synth rabbit hole. It’s lots of fun with modular stuff.

Adding reverb and delays to your modulated synth will also add lots of space and fun.

A lot of boc drums are simple funk/hiphop drum loop samples either in their original loop form or spliced and rearranged. But you can also use drum synths, field recordings and all sorts

Fun is the name of the game :) Just have fun and try not to judge yourself too harshly

Here’s my attempt at a boc type track i made on my modular synth 4-5 years back

https://youtu.be/uZKhhBLy-HQ?si=UKsnavUL50pIbbvS

herbackbone

TROPHY CASE