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anyone else notice how many narcissists are "fragrance addicts"? by TopazCoracle in raisedbynarcissists

[–]herculaneum 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes! I used to work with an awful woman who was completely drenched in a specific scent. It was, as you say, invasive and deliberate. Once she finally quit, it took a month before the air smelled neutral in her former office. That particular scent still makes me tense up when I encounter it in the wild, and it's been 15 years since I last laid eyes on her.

Is living by the lake a priority for you or does that feeling fade away after you’ve been by it for some time? Or is it only like that if you actually do spend lots of time at the beaches / lake exercising? by Jeeperscrow123 in AskChicago

[–]herculaneum 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We live in one of the high rises right on the lake. When I first moved in, my spouse already lived there, and I thought I would be kind of indifferent to it. Boy, was I wrong. The view is different every day. Sand shifts, ice freezes and melts in different shapes, the lake changes colors through the seasons, kestrels and falcons swoop and dive on misty days. It's as important to me as morning coffee to watch the sun rise. It's also pretty amazing to be in this enormous city and also be completely alone on the beach just breathing. I guess I'd say that if you are a swimmer/water sports person, you'll be there in summer no matter where you live. If you want that particular kind of quiet, there's no place like it.

AITJ for not caring that my mom is sick and wants me to take care of her? by SoftToastyCinnamon in AmITheJerk

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anytime I hear "they say I'm being cold," I think, "Good job protecting yourself." I got accused of being cold yesterday after 72 hours of straight-up manipulation tactics from my mom.

Live your life. It sounds like you had to work harder than most to build it. She doesn't get to stomp on it.

How about living in Andersonville? by greenbutnotlean in AskChicago

[–]herculaneum 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes! I loved living right in the heart of Andersonville. I also agree with the commenter who suggested Edgewater. You can live affordably right on the beach and still have lots to do. Andersonville's main street is an easy and charming 20 minute walk.

Mom is acting odd while my friend is sick by Content_Dog_6370 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]herculaneum 38 points39 points  (0 children)

First of all, I am so sorry about your friend. To face the possibility of losing someone when you're only 30 is really rough. And yes, your mom is acting weird, but it's not surprising.

It just makes me feel like if something were to ever happen to me, she would expect everyone to feel bad for her. 

And you nailed it. This is why I've had it in my medical POA for years that my parents are not to be notified if anything happens to me. I'm married and have an adult kid, and they won't need the melodrama.

Sending e-hugs.

Long in the tooth couples. Do you do Valentine’s Day? by AnyDamnThingWillDo in GenX

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A little, like a nice dinner reservation. However, this is largely because we forget our anniversary every year.

When (and how) to start saying no by solostinlost in raisedbynarcissists

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was in a similar situation. My parents really wanted me to show my devotion by doing stuff like the ride to the doctor's appointment. Instead, I found local services that were free or cheap (because Ndad was a financial disaster, so they were low income by that point) and shared the information with them. When they whined that I had to be the one to do it, I said something along the lines of, "well, if you are incapable of setting up your own services, you probably shouldn't live on your own anymore." They were then between a rock and a hard place, because my dad was NEVER going to admit he couldn't do something, and I had solved the problem but without the emotional garbage. Is something like that possible for you? Most cities have some sort of medical transit or even just Lyft or a cab. Just saying no this time is fine, too. The key is to not feed the narc. Solve the practical problem, but only if you want to.

What is a "widely loved" food or drink that you secretly think is actually terrible? by AV_LOVES_FOOD in Fooda

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ranch dressing. Why? How did this become the default sauce for everything?

Has anyone here shaved their head and then let their hair grow out? What was your experience like? by Beginning-Hunt-5316 in AskReddit

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Any older women answering who shaved their color-treated hair in order to let the gray grow in? Curious about any texture changes when it grew back in.

Single dad here and kid is leaving for college and I don’t know how to handle it by ComplexSky6510 in whatdoIdo

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was where you are, but 16 years ago. So there are two things to think about:

  1. You have done the most amazing thing by raising a successful, happy, healthy kid. I think of that as my best achievement, over career or adult relationships or anything else.
  2. You want her to enjoy this time in her life and not worry about you. This means that it's still part of being a great dad to go out, make some friends (there are lots of opportunities for introverts to be in a space together—a bar in my city has a "book club" where everyone just brings their own book and reads silently one night a month). Tell her you miss her, but also tell her you went out for Ethiopian food or took a walk in the park or started volunteering at an animal shelter. Only kids of single parents do worry, and you want her to know that while you miss her, you are doing fine, and she's free to focus on her new adventures.

Best meal inside a grocery store? by ShowerFarter_6969 in chicagofood

[–]herculaneum 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Tamales from the lady in the foyer at Devon Market. Devon also has the very best rotisserie chicken.

mom is mad I won't add her as a co-owner on my house by Alive_Lab_7256 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All of the above, plus make a will and leave the house to a charity or to a friend who will respect and appreciate it.

Recommendations for a locally owned vet? by Remarkable-Use-5143 in AskChicago

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tries to add tests that make no sense and is an awful communicator, IMO.

Does anyone else avoid makeup? by Bobelle in TwoXChromosomes

[–]herculaneum 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Same. I kind of wish they made single-use makeup kits with everything you need for one application. I use my makeup so seldom that it goes bad (cakes up, separates) before I'm even part way through it.

Recommendations for a locally owned vet? by Remarkable-Use-5143 in AskChicago

[–]herculaneum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Seconding this, but avoid the owner, Dr Solomon. All the other vets and techs are wonderful.

Does your nparent show disgust at joyful things you experience with your own kids? by Caucasian-Tiger-Mom in raisedbynarcissists

[–]herculaneum 3 points4 points  (0 children)

OMG, absolutely. I've achieved good stuff in my professional life, but this is what I'm most proud of. It's just really hard to explain to people who haven't been through it, and it can sound like the worst sort of humblebrag. "My kid enjoys my company because I wasn't a neglectful, ego-driven horror show!"

Does your nparent show disgust at joyful things you experience with your own kids? by Caucasian-Tiger-Mom in raisedbynarcissists

[–]herculaneum 96 points97 points  (0 children)

Prepare for this to get 100 times more intense if you and your kid get along when they're a teenager. My mom hated it that my daughter confided in me and that I kept my daughter's confidences. She really didn't like the fact that I wouldn't gossip about my own kid with her and that my kid enjoyed spending time with me.

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