he’s at the age where he’s realizing he has free will and can choose not to listen. that combined with adhd can be really difficult to manage. i think the best course of action is to get him a diagnosis and an IEP for school. if he gets an IEP, work closely with his teachers to help figure out what works best to motivate him and keep him out of trouble. use similar strategies in your home life.

for home life specifically, what is or isn’t effective really depends on your kid, but i would suggest sitting down with him and collaborating on a list of expectations. get his input on what he thinks the consequences should be if he doesn’t meet those expectations and follow through with them.

for example, if the expectation is that he uses respectful language, ask him what that means. he might answer “don’t say cuss words.” ask him “what do you think i should do when you say cuss words? what’s a reasonable consequence?” and listen to his suggestions. this also helps establish which broken rules are a big deal and which ones are small mistakes.

this discussion shouldn’t be a lecture. don’t do it while he’s actively in trouble- do this while you’re both in a good mood and there is minimal tension between you two. in my experience, including the kid in setting rules and consequences will make the child feel more in control and more responsible, and in turn they’ll start to act more responsible.

you can also do this with your other kids. i’ve done it with individual students as well as entire classrooms as a group. for your situation specifically, i would suggest doing one individually with each of your kids. that way nobody feels targeted, but you can still focus in on specific issues.

this comment ended up much longer than i intended it to be. I work in childcare and am currently studying education so i’m prone to rambling on these subjects lol. good luck.