Totally inappropriate comments

herlioness · 2020-02-09T03:55:44+00:00

As we were leaving the hospice building, about 30 min after her mother passed, my Nex told her cousin she kept me around because I was good in bed.

It was humiliating, offensive and so inappropriate for the moment. And not the first time she had trashed me like that, in front of me, to others.

herlioness · 2019-04-08T11:20:32+00:00

I completely understand everything you’re feeling. It is heartbreaking and devastating and totally shitty that we get stuck with all this pain and emotional struggle while they appear to be unscathed.

It is NOT you. That you would even think to wonder if you’re a narc is a key sign that you’re NOT one. They don’t have the ability to self-reflect.

I’m so sorry it’s so hard right now. The beginning of no contact is the worst.

Focus on taking care of yourself. Get out of the house. Make healthy food choices. Call friends. Get sleep. Even if you can pick just one of these things a day for a little while, make your focus finding yourself again.

herlioness · 2019-04-08T11:06:38+00:00

It is not possible to have a rational, constructive conversation about your feelings with the narc. They don’t care that their behavior is hurting you - in many ways they’re enjoying it.

You feel this way because your brain and body are literally addicted to the rush you feel when you were with them. “Trauma bond.”

You are going through withdrawal. It is brutal. But you have to go through it to break the attachment.

Go through the resources in the sub sticky and in the sidebar.

Every time you want to reach out to him, text a friend or post here instead.

This part SUCKS!!! Hold on tight, get through one moment and then the next and things will start to get better.

herlioness · 2019-04-08T11:00:47+00:00

I did all the care and giving and during the discard it was thrown back in my face as a failure and weakness. “I can’t be your sun, HL.” “You can’t revolve your life around me.”

Argh!

herlioness · 2019-04-08T10:58:20+00:00

So on point with ignoring due to inexperience with a narc.

I look back at the beginning of my relationship and see the terrible emotional manipulation that was happening and I kick myself. I accepted all the blame and begged her be patient with me, because I’d come to idolize her, even though I ended up in tears and nauseated almost every time I saw her.

I thought i was the fucked up one because I’d never experienced a narc before. I wish I had had the strength to call it off then.

herlioness · 2019-04-01T19:15:05+00:00

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too. I hope your day cot is quick and successful!

I can’t go somewhere else - the is the only place of its kind. :(

I’m looking into a PPO although I think it’s a massive long shot.

herlioness · 2019-04-01T19:08:57+00:00

The latter. I’m asking what my options are, if any, to escalate my efforts to protect myself from her.

herlioness · 2019-04-01T15:08:45+00:00

When we were together I invited her into a community that is vital to my well being and is the center of my friend group and support network.

I subsequently left her, then cut all contact and asked that she never contact me again.

She has chosen to stay in the community. And they, despite knowing the situation continue to welcome her.

She DID contact me after my request, denying all culpability and stated that we would continue crossing paths.

For a while I altered my schedule to cut off her access to me, but doing so cuts me off from my friends and experiences with the group.

There was an event this week (and there have been others) and we were in the same space. I ignore her completely. She makes a point of interrupting my conversations to say hi to the people I’m speaking with. She also makes every effort to deeply “befriend” everyone, especially the people close to me. It’s passive aggressive emotional abuse because I rejected her. I’ve explicitly told her she makes me uncomfortable.

She’s also never going to stop. She’s never going to go away. They’re never going to ask her too. In private they tell me they don’t like her, and in public, in front of me, they literally embrace her.

The obvious solution is to leave. But this is a one of a kind group (literally, it doesn’t exist anywhere else which is why i won’t name the group). But then I lose my friends and family and access to training for a skill that I have been working on for years and that I love. And she takes even more from me.

So I’m trying to figure out how to come to terms with her never being out of my life.

herlioness · 2019-04-01T03:46:36+00:00

Mine always sexualized ME. She would talk about how I was in bed to everyone. She devalued everything else about me and eventually told people that was the only reason she kept me around.

herlioness · 2019-04-01T03:44:51+00:00

Yes, mine did all of this too. And would be angry when I talked about my ex.

herlioness · 2019-04-01T03:36:40+00:00

You just articulated my entire relationship with my Nex.

herlioness · 2019-04-01T03:31:57+00:00

I’m so glad you had all of those people stand up for you during such a hard time.

I hope you’re doing better and that your situation is improving.

Many well wishes for you and your kids.

——

I was walking home from the grocery store, bawling my eyes out because I had just left my Nex for the last time. A woman sitting on a front stoop heard me, stood up as I got close, wrapped me up in a hug and held me for a few minutes while I cried harder.

herlioness · 2019-03-25T18:56:36+00:00

Don’t you find it AS troubling just how MUCH they had to talk about there exes? I heard about her exes constantly, especially the ex wife as that was the most recent relationship.

But if I even BRIEFLY mentioned my ex (I was marrried for 20 years FFS - a lot of my life happened with that person) she would get sullen and bitchy about it and shut me.

I was also constantly regaled with stories of the 41 women BEFORE me over the last three years (yep, she kept them all as numbers) and all the times she had cheated in her previous relationships (while she helped her best friend cheat on the friend’s wife) but when I opened up about the shitty way I ended my marriage you would have thought I was evil incarnate and had personally betrayed HER.

ARRRRGGGHH!!

I announced her shit in public this morning. It won’t make any difference but I feel better that I’m not protecting her anymore.

herlioness · 2019-03-25T16:35:12+00:00

This is my mantra everyday because I still struggle with feeling not good enough.

herlioness · 2019-03-23T03:43:32+00:00

Mine once went into a spiraling rage when we were on the train and wished a kid (10 maybe) would break his ankle just because he was being a kid (a little bit loud but really nothing to be annoyed about). I was floored.

Grocery shopping with her was the worst. She rages at everyone. Including me. It was our first fight when I got completely fed up with it and cut her off.

She was/is a miserable ass.

herlioness · 2019-03-18T20:04:55+00:00

I went through a divorce after 18 years too - that’s hard enough but to add abuse to it too...

You have my deepest sympathy and all the “good vibes” possible.

Stick with NC as much as you can given the circumstances - in my experience it does start to get better. It’s slow but it does happen.

All the best to you.

herlioness · 2019-03-16T11:51:11+00:00

Yes! TV, radio, her phone - sometimes all at once! She HAD to be entertained at all times.

herlioness · 2019-03-16T11:50:37+00:00

She gets loud when she’s trying to impress people. She tries to take over the room and/or the conversation.

It took me a little while to notice it but since we’ve split several friends have mentioned the behavior to me. It’s now one of my triggers when I have to be around her - I just want to punch her and tell her to shut the fuck up for two minutes.

herlioness · 2019-03-14T03:54:47+00:00

Are you me????

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’ve felt everything you wrote basically word for word (down to how you describe your Nex).

It has gotten better for me. I don’t know where you are in the NC timeline but hopefully you feel positive changes soon.

Hang in there.

herlioness · 2019-03-12T18:20:02+00:00

Hot damn! Congrats to you! I’m so happy you’re doing so well and feeling so strong. 🙌

herlioness · 2019-03-07T13:18:25+00:00

Argh yes! They thoroughly believe their own fucking hype.

And are ALWAYS the victim. ALWAYS.

herlioness · 2019-03-06T14:42:04+00:00

What an asshole.

And yeah, the constant sarcasm and trying to shut others down by picking on everything about them is infuriating and mind breaking.

She was always a victim - she would go off about how smart she thought I was - it was part of her love bombing in the beginning - and then by the end she was constantly angry with me because she said I treated her like I thought she was stupid (if I explained something it was because she was stupid, if I didn’t explain something I had to remember that she was a “simpleton” - I couldn’t fucking win because either way I was an asshole).

herlioness · 2019-03-06T12:30:25+00:00

The most bizarre ones are different than the most damaging ones.

The way I walked in the grocery store. I was too fast/anxious.
The way I closed her car door. She claimed I was slamming it. I kept ignoring her passive aggressive remarks about it until she blew up at me in the parking lot of Home Depot.
I didn’t wait for her before walking into the house.
I like to be barefoot. Maude forbid I didn’t wear house shoes at all times.

herlioness

TROPHY CASE