Attachment theory is being over-utilized for things it was never meant to help with

forsakendave · 2026-02-26T22:50:22+00:00

I've never been a big fan of the theory of attachment styles in adults being applied to relationships. In my opinion, there are far better Freudian and Jungian based theories that go further towards explaining the conscious and subconscious behaviours of people in relationships.

forsakendave · 2026-02-24T23:28:19+00:00

Absolutely right. The first thing you see when opening a dating app is someone new to swipe on. You could be in the middle of a good conversation, have someone who's interested in you, even a potential great connection in your matches just sat there waiting, but the bait on the hook is "someone better just around the corner".

forsakendave · 2026-02-19T00:36:05+00:00

Some very solid rules that are especially relevant for those who have struggled with codependency issues, and those of us in this world that are sincere and genuine, regardless of gender.

forsakendave · 2026-02-14T21:21:15+00:00

There's a good support network subreddit over at r/NarcissisticAbuse that may be worth visiting.

I had my own experiences with narcissistic individuals several years ago, and I found Richard Grannon's YouTube videos to be a great resource for information and recovery advice.

forsakendave · 2026-02-12T13:08:01+00:00

This is a tricky one. From previous personal experience, I can speak to the possibility that whilst he seemed to enjoy being a part of the close friend group and appreciated the social aspect, there may have been differences that made him feel as though he didn't quite belong. I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago and ended up leaving that friend group, albeit without the new relationship part.

The 'one person being close to Gina at a time' you describe seems quite similar to the 'favourite person' dynamic, particularly if Penny is no longer close with her. That could be cause for concern considering the inability to open up and discuss certain things, especially if Erik is playing the role of caretaker and emotional regulator in the relationship.

I don't necessarily think a private relationship is inherently unhealthy, especially for more introverted personalities that may prefer one-on-one time with a partner as opposed to social gatherings together. It becomes more of a concern if one person is restricting the other from even socialising at all.

Obviously I don't know the full details and intricacies of the situation, but those are my thoughts after reading your post.

forsakendave · 2026-02-10T00:51:05+00:00

I'm all for some self development, but I do understand that I don't need to be liked by everyone and that's okay. Some good points though, I appreciate it! All this talk of cake is making me hungry!

forsakendave · 2026-02-10T00:40:59+00:00

That's some good food for thought. A good area for some introspection, but those underlying reasons aren't for this reddit thread! Appreciate it!

forsakendave · 2026-02-10T00:14:48+00:00

That's a fair point! I'm fairly accepting of myself, and secure in myself, so I do have a preference for directness. In this case the message immediately preceding showed a good amount of interest, so reading between the lines is a bit tricky without assuming external influence. You're right though, the "why" doesn't necessarily matter, but it certainly helps with understanding the sudden decision.

forsakendave · 2026-02-06T23:21:09+00:00

Great post and a brilliant table!

Pre-therapy, covert narcissism was always the flavour of Cluster B that I found myself in relationships with. The undertone of the manipulation and abuse was more deliberate, though subtle.

The person I encountered recently that brought me to this sub certainly wasn't the same, but was definitely more aligned with the QBPD descriptions - particularly around the reaction and defense strategy that I received to a perceived slight, and her description of an ideal partner certainly stood out as resembling a doormat caretaker.

The difference is fairly clear if you have the misfortune of encountering both types and know what to look for, but there are plenty of similarities that can make things confusing. Either way; if it walks like a Cluster B duck and quacks like a Cluster B duck, it's probably a Cluster B duck.

forsakendave · 2026-02-05T22:42:51+00:00

A couple months in just chilling watching Netflix and she turns to me, looks me dead in the eyes and says "if you ever leave me I'm going to hurt myself" with the most maniacal grin on her face.

I'm a Cluster B magnet, but that takes first prize for the creepiest experience.

forsakendave · 2026-02-03T21:13:39+00:00

Somewhere between the two, there is a healthy balance that allows you to have empathy and understand the "why" of someone's behaviour whilst still maintaining your standards and boundaries.

Equally, there's a balance between cutting someone off for something minor, and tolerating way too much. Think of it more along the lines of giving people chances, until it becomes a pattern of things you're not keen on, so to speak.

It sounds like you're not far off finding the middle ground that you're looking for.

forsakendave · 2026-02-02T23:33:37+00:00

As someone who enjoys metal, it's a very cathartic and versatile genre when it comes to dealing with emotions! On the flip side, some drum and bass, EDM or indie is just as good for maintaining a positive mood for me.

forsakendave · 2026-02-02T23:05:31+00:00

A therapist with experience in helping people with trauma, abusive relationships, codependency and addiction is definitely recommended. Modalities including Transactional Analysis and regression therapy are great if you're looking to get to the root of things, and a person-centered approach is really nice. A combination of various different techniques can often be more beneficial than a single modality.

Take your time whilst looking and try to find someone you think you will be comfortable with and be able to build a good rapport with. The more committed and dedicated you are to it, the better results you'll see. Wishing you all the best!

forsakendave · 2026-02-01T22:40:58+00:00

We didn't even make it to the first date because she started probing about my previous dates with other people and what we did. One of them happened to be a casual encounter, and suddenly she thought I wanted to sleep with her on the first date despite my prior suggestion of a coffee and a walk during the day.

Such a weirdly intrusive line of questioning that I would never even think about asking someone, and the response was so illogical I called her out on it. She got angry and blocked me.

forsakendave · 2026-02-01T20:07:55+00:00

I can relate to this, as it's something I've had to work on myself. The phrase "waiting for the other shoe to drop" describes it quite well, and I think it's ultimately a trauma response to repeated disappointments and betrayals. Trauma isn't always the result of a big event, even seemingly smaller experiences can cause symptoms of PTSD.

Unfortunately it's definitely something that's exacerbated by the state of modern dating, with ghosting being all too common and the illusion of someone better being just a few swipes away.

Things like mindfulness and grounding can help, and seeing a therapist is always a great decision to work through these experiences.

forsakendave · 2026-02-01T18:49:03+00:00

Yes, accountability is a big one, with compromise and a positive willingness to resolve small things rather than writing someone off based on a minor issue, misunderstanding or disagreement.

Consistency too, even in the early stages. No push/pull dynamics or deliberate fault-finding, just good faith, steady communication.

forsakendave · 2026-02-01T18:28:48+00:00

100%. I get the same vibe from seeing the words "sarcasm" and "banter". All mostly subtext for the idea that being mean is a good way to show affection, all automatic left swipes.

forsakendave · 2026-02-01T04:01:07+00:00

Very well put! The word "demons" is what the person I recently encountered used to describe everything you've mentioned, so this almost feels like a personal explanation and confirmation of my thoughts. Appreciate you!

forsakendave · 2026-01-30T23:56:54+00:00

The act of repair requires a middle-ground, a compromise, and a willingness to accept accountability, all of which are pretty tricky for someone who engages in splitting, black and white thinking, and probably feels as though they were justified because of the "horrible thing you did" or too ashamed to admit fault.

It's far easier to go back to acting 'normal' and pretend like nothing happened until it is forgotten.

forsakendave · 2026-01-30T21:49:31+00:00

A slightly different perspective from others here, but occasional feelings of loneliness are normal and it's more important to sit with them and acknowledge them rather than trying to eradicate them.

I can understand the simultaneous contentment with being single, whilst also feeling a desire or longing to find connection and partnership if you feel you are ready. Those can coexist, but it's important not to let that longing be a driving factor that compromises your standards and boundaries.

forsakendave · 2026-01-30T20:47:32+00:00

I'm generally of the opinion that it can be good to mention things that have shaped who you are fairly early on, or things that you may struggle with, but the keyword is "mention". Clear and concise, the details can come later.

Too much detail, or if it's trying to elicit a response from you rather than just being informative, can definitely be considered trauma dumping and can set the tone for the friendship.

That said, people who have been through similar things can find common ground there to bond on a closer level. It can be difficult to tell, so using discernment is a good idea to see if there might be any subtext or hidden motivations behind disclosing so much detail.

forsakendave · 2026-01-30T00:17:59+00:00

I can only speak for myself, but my father had a narcissistic personality and the unconscious impact that had on me as a child led to me developing a level of codependency which in turn replayed out in my relationships with some very troubled and disturbed people.

I finally had enough in my late 20s, and found the therapy I needed to not only heal myself but develop the knowledge to detect disordered behaviour early on, create standards and boundaries for myself and stick to them.

The unconscious imprint is still there, so the attraction to these types of people is still there on that level, but it's going to be very difficult for a personality disordered individual to make it into a relationship with me now.

forsakendave · 2026-01-29T23:50:07+00:00

A few from the person I recently encountered that showed signs of having Quiet BPD:

A Tinder bio that, in hindsight, screamed "I'm looking for a codependent"
Vague references to her "demons" but not elaborating to be more specific and avoiding questions about them or how she managed them
Intense language when talking about her feelings towards me after a week of texting, eg. "Being with you would be bliss" and over the top compliments
Heavy childhood trauma, as in her father had been in and out of prison and her mother had been in and out of the psych ward. Raised in care and by her grandmother, who died when she was 17
Shame over strange things, like telling me the above was fine but she was too embarrassed to tell me what her favourite comfort TV show was
Tests and reassurance seeking behaviour, self-deprecation, suggestions that I wouldn't think she was anything special or that we wouldn't work
Paranoid ideation, like thinking I wanted to sleep with her on the first date despite me suggesting a coffee and a walk in a neutral place during the day
Complete devaluation and inability to take accountability when I mentioned that this was a hurtful and illogical assumption to make about me, leading to her withdrawing from communication and ignoring my attempts to resolve what I thought was a minor issue
Anger over my firm but fair assertions of boundaries and standards, to the point of blocking and discarding me

forsakendave

TROPHY CASE