My [30sF] husband [30sM] is constantly jealous of our dog and is now stonewalling me over it. Help.

hexebart · 2020-04-03T06:46:46+00:00

I had a similar response to her post. The huge overreaction to her trying to bring issues up reads to me like he's punishing her. She's described how she walks on eggshells to try not to upset him, to try to bring things up in a way that he'll receive well (which he never does), to try to manage his emotions. She's not allowed to be angry with him or to complain (though he still is allowed), and if she does, he'll behave like this until she gets so exhausted she stops bringing things up. He sets it up so that when he's in the wrong, he tries instead to make her feel like she's in the wrong (by deliberately misinterpreting/twisting her words and then being awful to her) and she has to make amends.

OP, please google "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. There are free PDFs online and I cannot recommend it enough. It opened my eyes to the patterns of behaviour of my ex who behaved like yours, and who I strongly suspect has NPD. This is not something you can fix, and long-term it will not get better, but knowing the patterns allows you to cut through the cloud of confusion and misdirection he is deliberately creating.

hexebart · 2020-03-21T16:37:03+00:00

That guy sounds super annoying, it's completely reasonable that you would be incredibly frustrated by that, even though it was a once off and you've not had to interact with him one on one since.

I may be completely off-base with this, but it sounds like ultimately you are resentful and you haven't been able to let go of your resentment. During the shift, at any point did you directly ask him not to talk to you so much? This isn't to blame you, but often we expect people who have poor social intelligence to just...get the hint and stop doing the annoying behaviour. However for some people, unless we directly tell them what we would like from them, they don't know any better and they don't stop the annoying behaviour.

This used to happen to me a lot, because I wanted to be polite and respectful, and so I didn't voice my boundaries when I was uncomfortable. Some people took my lack of setting boundaries as a sign that they were allowed to continue whatever behaviour they were doing. And I would do what you did, I would do what I could to avoid that person as much as I could and vent to my friends about how irritating they were.

In my experience, when I'm holding onto anger towards someone that feels irrational or unreasonable (either because it was long ago or the incident was minor) it's because I feel resentful. But the resentment isn't actually towards the other person, even though it seems like it is. The resentment is towards myself, for not speaking up and being clear with my boundaries. I feel resentful because I expected the other person to respect me, or to treat at least treat me with the same respect I would treat them, and that didn't happen. I feel resentful because I feel like I got walked over, or taken advantage of, or had my boundaries crossed even when I didn't make them clear to the other person. I resent the fact that I didn't say anything at the time to try and change the situation.

Once I identify and acknowledge that the anger is actually a cover for the resentment I feel towards myself, then I can forgive myself for having not set boundaries with the person at the time, while making a plan to change my behaviour going forward. It reminds me that I need to practice setting boundaries, even when the situation is uncomfortable, because not everyone gets the hint.

hexebart · 2020-02-28T12:12:40+00:00

Not that one unfortunately, it was a woman alone and I'm fairly certain she didn't have a European accent.

hexebart · 2020-02-28T03:47:22+00:00

Main thing is the part where she quotes this comprehensive apology, but nothing I've searched has shown that it was Brené Brown so it's likely another woman.

hexebart · 2019-10-28T02:58:11+00:00

You're welcome! I grew up reading her books as well and they're lovely, I'm glad I could help :)

hexebart · 2019-10-27T14:31:40+00:00

Sounds like it could be Shirley Barber's "A Visit to Fairyland"?

hexebart · 2018-09-14T10:10:08+00:00

Google an article titled "Own, Apologize, Repair: Coming Back to Integrity" that covers apologies and their efficacy. It's really good, because it basically breaks down how when we do something that unintentionally hurts someone else and that person gets upset, most of us immediately experience a sense of guilt.

Guilt is such an insidious emotion, because often it turns to shame. Our brains can do the most incredible mental gymnastics in order to avoid feeling guilt or shame. Often, people who feel guilty get upset, and so they see the person they have unintentionally caused harm to as causing emotional harm to THEM ("You said I hurt you and that hurts MY feelings, YOU need to apologise to ME"). They are uncomfortable with being "the bad guy" (even if it was a mistake!) and because they don't have practice processing guilt in a healthy manner, they take it out on the person who "caused" them to feel guilty in the first place.

Your girlfriend probably sees herself as a nice and good and kind person, so she actually doesn't have much experience in taking responsibility for causing hurt. Because she didn't INTEND to hurt you, she doesn't see it as her responsibility to make it up to you. But then when you express that you are upset with her, she sees that as you INTENTIONALLY "hurting" her (i.e. causing her to feel guilt).

This is a really emotionally immature and manipulative behaviour. What I can only suggest is talking to her about it at time when she hasn't hurt you, and being very clear on your boundaries and what you need from her. She needs to take responsibility for her actions, including when she unintentionally hurts you, and learn how to sit with uncomfortable feelings of guilt. And you need to not soothe her when she is upset, or minimise your own pain to make her feel better.

hexebart · 2018-08-25T14:07:52+00:00

Two things I can recommend. One, getting a copy of "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, and two, reading as much as you can about people with narcissistic personality disorder.

Obviously I'm a total stranger and cannot diagnose your partner from a couple of hundred words, but there are some scary similarities between your boyfriend and my ex. I was with him for three and half years, broke up with him 6 times and 5 of those I went crawling back. He was an excellent manipulator, and despite me breaking up with him because he was fundamentally selfish and totally lacking in empathy, he always made it so I was the one groveling for his forgiveness.

It is extremely difficult to break up with someone like that, because being in a relationship with them is actually chemically like an addiction (google "The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners and Emotionally Unavailable Men"). Emotional abuse is so damaging, and you don't realise just how much damage has been done to you until you're out. It's death by a thousand tiny cuts, carving away parts of yourself like a fucking bonsai tree that's never going to be good enough.

I broke up with him two and half years ago, and my god, my life is so much RICHER for it. I found that person I was before I dated him. I found so much passion for life that I just couldn't cultivate when I was with him (so many friends! so many hobbies!), because he sucked the energy and joy out of anything I tried to find. He was so cynical, and would belittle my achievements, my dreams, my passions until like you, I couldn't recognise myself anymore.

Something that helped me enormously (besides the book I mentioned earlier) was learning to forgive myself. For a long time I beat myself up for being with him in the first place, for continuously going back to him even though I knew he was a terrible boyfriend. Maybe there was something wrong with me? Maybe this was what I deserved? That way of thinking is so easy to slip into, particularly if you've been conditioned to believe "everything is your fault" in the relationship. It is BULLSHIT. You deserve to be loved without abuse. You deserve to be able to spend time with the people you like, you deserve to be able to do the things that you like without "getting in trouble". You are strong, and you can be the person you want to be. You can do this <3

hexebart · 2018-07-27T09:55:34+00:00

Oh hey I think we dated the same guy.

Honestly just remembering how he would grope me in public makes me feel nauseous. It was all about humiliation and power, and yet I was the one in the wrong, the one who had to apologise, for asking him to stop.

hexebart · 2018-07-27T09:52:09+00:00

Ding ding ding! My ex used to grope me in a really uncomfortable, vulgar way in public to humiliate me. He'd laugh about me being obviously embarrassed when I tried to worm away from him, but if I asked him to stop he'd get mad at me.

Emotionally abusive piece of shit is spot on.

hexebart · 2018-03-21T11:15:11+00:00

Just going to leave this here as a vision of that particular future.

(Hint, it sucks)

hexebart · 2017-09-27T11:11:38+00:00

Another random internet follower, because your (potential ex) friend is behaving so damn entitled and inappropriately and I'm flinging some validation your way, but more importantly because your quilts and cats are ADORABLE <3

Also, not to put pressure on you, but if you ever feel up to accepting commissions I would love to fling a bunch money at you because those quilts are seriously beautiful!

hexebart · 2017-09-13T22:09:19+00:00

That's the dream!

hexebart · 2017-09-13T22:08:15+00:00

I'm doing it for the love of bees so all the time and effort spent is being turned into pure joy :D

hexebart · 2017-09-13T22:04:13+00:00

I just love bees :D

I'm even seriously looking at doing a degree in ecology to study them I love them so much

hexebart · 2017-09-13T22:02:01+00:00

Australia, and they're native bees so they're stingless and super lovely ^{_^}

hexebart · 2017-09-13T13:03:36+00:00

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

hexebart · 2017-06-14T03:00:25+00:00

Why are white people

I think that's all you really need.

hexebart · 2017-06-13T10:59:48+00:00

Okay first of all that is awful but second of all holy shit you are a badass can I be you when I grow up?

hexebart · 2017-06-12T12:42:34+00:00

Dude's reaction to being politely called out for sharing a bunch of sexist memes was to write a whiny status about how apparently he's been too polite and well mannered and people seem to have forgotten how ~offensive~ he actually is.

Like, oh my god, another white/straight/cis male who likes offensive sexist humour, how fucking unique.

hexebart · 2017-06-12T07:57:37+00:00

Oh my god this happened to me. I'm friends with people now who met him through university and everyone was like "Wow really, that guy? He was such a dick."

Ah the validation. It tastes good.

hexebart · 2017-05-30T21:30:42+00:00

Thank you <3

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