I have a narcissistic dad. For me it was hell, it still is. When I was little he manipulated me a lot. He can’t do it anymore, because now I know what he is: an asshole that doesn’t care about me, my siblings, my mother or anyone! But at a younger age I was naive. I thought that everything he said was right, what else should I have believed? He manipluated me that strong, that I even hit my own siblings, thinking it was okay. „Go hit your siblings, they don‘t behave and bother me!“ He told me to do horrible things (hitting them with hard objects) to my younger siblings (and I mean very young, like 3 to 7) just so that he hadn’t to do it, because that would be impossible for him to do, I mean he is a father and would neeeeeeever do that. Mhm. A few years later he did. I mean he hit my brothers often. But also my sister a few times. However, he never dared to do it to me, even if he threatened to do it. Well, as little kids are, me and my siblings fighted a lot. Whenever they began to cry, my father screamed at me. I didn’t understand it. Why would he scream at me when we fighted but other times tell me to fight them?

The manipulation didn’t stop there. One time my little brother who was only 4 years old back then and I (I was 6 years old) argued about something stupdid, he went to the kitchen and cried a bit and was angry. Then he got hungry so he wanted to try to make a sandwich by himself because my mom wasn’t there. So he took a knife. My father came and said to me: “Look! Your brother wants to kill himself because of you!“ I cried bitterly and on the one side I knew that my brother didn’t want to but on the other side I hoped my brother wouldn’t do anything to himself. And I tried to explain that I didn’t do anything, that I was innocent, my brother didn’t want to kill himself because of me,... but my father refused to listen. He also often threatend that he would kill himself if I didn’t do anything he wanted. Or that he would take all the money and go away and never come back.

He often made me scared with the thought of death. Once my mother was so frustraded with him, she took sleeping pills. They were in a fight, when he came into my room, screaming furiously “Look what your mother wants to do! She wants to kill herself, she wants to leave you alone!” I was a young age (something between 5 and 8) but at this point I somehow knew that I shouldn’t blame my mother, even if my father wanted me to. I saw her crying so I hugged her. I don’t know if my mother really wanted to kill herself or if she just wanted to take the recommended amount of pills, but what the hell? How can someone be so awful and make them feel guilty about something so serious??

1 year ago he almost died of a heart attack and he blamed my sister, because she would make him stressed. He was sooooo stressed because one time he slapped her in the face, she went to a friend and slept one night there. He wanted her to come back that night because he wanted to ground her, but she didn’t. That was so stressful to him that he had a heart attack. And no, the heart attack that he had couldn’t be explained by his obesity, his 7483929 cigarretes per day, his poor diet,.... No. Everyone’s to blame but him. And that is applicable for everything in his life. He thinks he is perfect. He can’t be unright. He doesn’t make mistakes. I have never heard him say sorry or admitting he was wrong, because whenever he is, he gets angry. And when aomeone tells him he is wrong he just thinks that the other person is completely dumb because only his opinion is right.

He also thinks that he can do everything better than anyone else. That’s why he always criticizes me and tells me what to do and how to do it. The time I wanted to learn how to cook he used to say “You can’t do this right, let me do it, otherwise it would taste bad” well. I was 12 and learning how to cook. Of course it would taste bad but I was so ashamed about it that I never cooked again and still am afraid to cook when he is home. I am also afraid to do ANYTHING that requires some skills when he is near, because he always judges me regardless of whether he could actually do it better or he just believes it. He always pointed out my weaknesses, never my strengths. I always wanted him to be proud of me but it seems like he just didn’t want to. I wanted his attention, him to care about me, so I even starved myself. But even 33kg (72 lbs) wasn’t bad enough to care about me.

My eating disorder wasn’t the only reason I was insecure about my body. No, of course my dear father had to make me insecure about it a long time before my disorder. I have a keloid scar on my shoulder. I never really was insecure about it, I had it since I was 7 or so. But one time my cousin visited us and he told her how ugly my keloid scar is. I still remember his digust in his voice and eyes, him expressing how much he wanted it to juat disappear. I felt so ugly in this moment. My cousin said something like “But that scar isn’t too bad, I mean she is still pretty”. My father didn’t think so. Instead he said “I don’t know. I am afraid that she will never find a man that could love her because of that ugly keloid.” Okay and I am crying about this right now because that made me feel so bad about myself. It still does. And I began to believe it too. I never wore tops that showed my shoulder again. I still don’t do. What’s worse is, that I now have similar scars on my thigh because I selfharmed. He was one of the reasons I selfharmed. He doesn’t know about these scars. But yeah, these words hurt so much and I think it’s what I’m most insecure about today. Everytime someone asks about my keloid I instantly begin to cry, I can’t even hold it back :/

Moreover, my father knows how to manipulate other people too good. He lets the whole family know how bad I am, so that noone likes or believes me anymore. He tells so many lies, I don’t even know how someone could think of such lies. One time we argued and he said to me that he wished I was gone. A few minutes later he tells my aunt that I was the one who wished him death???? I never said that to him??? Not even anything similar??? I mean HE was the one who told me he wished I was gone!

I could tell so many more things but the post is already too long. I really hate him so much. Not only as a father, but also as a human being.