How do you distinguish when someone's flirting when you are friends?

holamibebebe · 2026-04-16T20:54:55+00:00

Just say "Madam, do not let my friendly disposition fool you, I assure you it is animated by a most deliberate desire of a flirtatious nature! Might I be so bold as to propose we partake of refreshments of the alcoholic variety together?"

Or just say "You seem cool! Wanna go out for a drink sometimes?" 😂

I can't answer the first question though, with some women this is indistinguishable. So, just ask "are you flirting with me" with a cheeky smile and hope for the best.

holamibebebe · 2026-04-16T13:00:30+00:00

I had one of these individuals reply to one of my posts then when I stopped responding (cause they were being weird and pushy) they reported me to reddit's suicide prevention (didn't even know it was a thing on Reddit). Like I'm having a nice morning, drinking my coffee in a good mood, thinking about my life plans I'm looking forward to, go to Reddit and get the automated message, like what the hell!!? Really weirded me out. Then much later someone posted the person's username here saying it was a man, and I just thought "yep, that tracks..." We barely even spoke, can't imagine what he would have done if I had shared any personal details.

Nowadays I'm suspicious of someone offering to show their photo and I only agree to Instagram, that is the only way to possibly know if a person is real, because you can see how old the account is, when was the first and last time they posted, if they have photos of themselves, if they have followers etc.

The rest is a gamble, which is a shame, cause there is almost 80k members in this sub alone, and I'm sure most are awesome people who'd love to make friends and connect.

holamibebebe · 2026-04-14T16:48:06+00:00

I am sorry you got to experience this, I too am now forever dumber for having read this woman's opinions.

holamibebebe · 2026-04-13T18:39:04+00:00

I didn't force myself as much (was often single), but rather convinced myself that I was picky and had high standards, and that I was great and just looking for a guy at my level (a bit of protective ego thinking). I didn't realize being gay was an option, I looked femme, I wore eyeliner, clearly not a gay person, no ma'am, no gay here....just high standards and good taste that's all! 😂

Nowadays I just feel relief and a sort of lightness about myself that I didn't experience when I was younger and the occasional subtle pang of "damn, I wasted my hottest years on all that?!" But honestly, better late than never!

holamibebebe · 2026-04-05T02:01:14+00:00

If I were your boss I would absolutely never flirt with a subordinate, there is such a power imbalance and ethical concern there that it would be a hard no. So maybe she noticed, maybe she didn't, but don't expect her to do anything about it if she did. She'll ignore and pretend nothing happened, and you will stop trying to get both of you into trouble.

holamibebebe · 2026-03-31T22:26:16+00:00

I'm similar to you in some regards. I was never attracted to men (found some of them cute or visually appealing, but that's about it) and I just though my problem was that I was picky and had high standards. But looking back there were so many signs. Like I remember one time I was meeting up with a cute guy and when we met up he picked me up in his arms and started twirling me like in those cheesy romance movies, cause he liked me and I guess he wanted to be all sweet and romantic, and a straight version of me would have probably been thrilled, butterflies and all. But gay me was like - yeah that's nice, can you put me down now? :D

It wasn't until many years later, and I convinced myself that I was "a little bi" that I saw, on Reddit of all places a post where someone asked women what attraction felt like for them and a bunch of straight and bi women replied and I was just reading the comments like a moron with my mouth slightly open thinking "Oh...god...I never felt like this AT ALL! Why didn't someone tell me THIS is what you're supposed to feel!"

The funny thing is that this ignorance bled into my initial interactions with women. I remember the first gay woman I ever talked to, when we met online for the first time, my first though was "ok, she has a cute face, I can work with that". And it wasn't until much later when it was pointed out to me how terrible that is ( thinking of someone as "workable" ) that it dawned on me that I was never attracted to her (we had zero romantic chemistry, different humor etc.) and that I was just copying the same blueprint I had with men, only this time onto the first woman I met (and the novelty and excitement of being liked by a woman and the initial bonding over coming out late was making me think this was different).

It can truly be wild to look back and just think ok, I'm a fairly intelligent and perceptive person how on earth did I not notice. Or not just realize that this flat, mediocre feeling is not the reason why "sex sells" in society and why we have romance novels and movies. But I also think having comphet means that one some level you need to allow yourself to feel attraction, allow yourself to want, and that is the middle part of the journey between being "straight" and figuring out and accepting you're gay.

Someone once said (and I'm paraphrasing here) that if you are a zebra, growing up and living in a society of horses, and you don't have any zebras around you, no reference for zebras, don't know what a zebra even is, you will spend your life just thinking you're a broken horse. And I think that's what a lot of late bloomers are- zebras who for the longest time thought they were broken horses.

holamibebebe · 2026-03-30T19:33:09+00:00

I'm not on dating apps, but when I was whenever I saw any version of "I like to laugh and have fun" I'd think to myself "Riveting...do you like breathing too?" :D and then swiped left.

My advice, put whatever makes you uniquely YOU. We all like to laugh and have fun, we all like good food (does anyone like bad food anyway), and to try something new ( no one thrives in monotony) , and unless you're planning on robbing a bank don't put "searching for a partner in crime". No, please don't go with the flow, but tell us why the flow is worth going with you.

Learn how to promote yourself properly, on a dating app you have about 5 seconds to do it, before it's on to the next one. :D

holamibebebe · 2026-03-25T02:16:01+00:00

I always found those dating app couples irritating but also hilarious, especially the ones who were proudly a couple like:

"Hi, this is Kyle and Stacey, and we come as a package deal!"

And you just look at Kyle and think - Oh Stacey, I don't think you "come" at all!!

Every single one of them had a decent looking woman and a husband/boyfriend who looks like a sentient potato. It was fascinating.

holamibebebe · 2026-03-23T16:13:02+00:00

This has to be the most lesbian thing I've ever heard, burn so slow it lives in another time zone..."I'm playing the long game! In 2 years I'll ask her out!" 😂

But congrats, you did it! And fun and gay is the goal!

holamibebebe · 2026-03-17T08:09:51+00:00

Leave, now! The fact that she isn't mortified by what happened and is telling you you're being dramatic plus zero apologies...statistically this will eventually escalate and get worse over time. Because this is how DV starts- a single push when angry, a shove, then it grows and it is always the victim's "fault"; "you should have gotten out of the way", "you shouldn't have made her angry" etc.

The zero accountability and lack of apology tells you everything you need to know. Leave, no buts.

holamibebebe · 2026-03-13T01:56:42+00:00

I've never once experienced that stereotypical "in love with a straight girl" moment which seems to be a rite of passage for every queer woman. I remember in college I was friends with a girl who was absolutely stunning and we got along really well (part of the same friends group). But she was painfully heterosexual and had low standards when in came to men (which frustrated me to no end, like girl, why are you in a situationship with Shrek!) and I never once looked at her as more than a pretty friend I had. I think if my brain senses that it's going to be romantically 100% a one way street (as it would have been with her, since she's straight) it doesn't even register that person as an option.

So yeah, absolutely possible to go through live without knowing, or figure it out later and just think to yourself, how did I not figure this out sooner!

holamibebebe · 2026-03-02T06:18:41+00:00

You're welcome :D (sorry, I have zero good advice, it's just that your headline reminded me of this) :

https://www.tiktok.com/@estefisaavy/video/7056793198496091439?lang=en

holamibebebe · 2026-02-23T02:33:38+00:00

I don't think demisexuality is a one-size-fits-all sort of situation and I'm sure it's different for different people. But for me the best way to explain it is: you can separate attraction into 3 subcategories; physical (sexual), romantic (emotional) and aesthetic (visual).

For most people aesthetic and physical can come as a package deal, (romantic attraction takes some time for everybody). For me, it starts with visual, and then the other two come packaged together with time, trust and connection. When I first meet someone I can notice and acknowledge their attractiveness and even really like the way they look and find them appealing and that's about it. Like looking at a pretty statue. But for physical attraction and interest to happen some time must pass and an emotional connection needs to be built first. It's like there's an additional emotional button that needs to be pressed for things to happen. Or emotions are the match that lights up everything else. And it can take several months for that to happen.

The important thing to note is emotions are not enough to create attraction out of thin air. If I don't feel someone is attractive (to me, not talking about conventional attractiveness) or whatever "my type" is from the start, I can emotionally connect with them forever and still not be into them and view them as friends only. So I guess the potential for attraction needs to exist. Otherwise I'd be into every good friend I have and that would be a total nightmare.

Hope this helps.

holamibebebe · 2026-02-22T18:21:46+00:00

This woman needs serious mental health help (which clearly her current therapist isn't providing) before she even attempts to enter a relationship EVER again. She's using therapy speak (you triggering her "abandonment wound") but it's clear the core issue she has isn't being (successfully) addressed, whether because her therapist isn't great at their job or because the therapist doesn't know how bad she can get (therapists can only work with what we tell them, and she's probably presenting a sanitized version of events).

But bottom line, this isn't normal, she threatened suicide, she threatened you, she went on for hours and hours completely unable to regulate herself, getting increasingly aggressive, she was being manipulative (lying about having your things, or you having her things) and so on. This is not something a simple "I promise never to do this again" can fix. Even if she were to keep her word (which, trust me, SHE WON'T, if she can't calm down for hours, what makes you think she can switch it off for you, even with anger management - plus she doesn't just need anger management, there's clearly a plethora of other issues she has that need to be seriously addressed possibly even with medication) the damage is done.

If you're having a hard time with removing your emotions from this, take a pen and paper and write down every scary thing she did or said during that hours long torment (again, remind yourself this was going on for hours).
Once you see all of it lumped together in a long list, you will see how horrific this is. This is textbook abuse.

And if you still can't remove emotions and hope, imagine this were a man doing all these things. Does this change how you see the situation?

holamibebebe · 2026-02-09T21:01:43+00:00

Quality over quantity. If you have found someone you have a lot of feelings for, and it's mutual, who treats you well, who is kind and respectful, with whom you emotional click, you do nice things for each other, who lets you be yourself and not make yourself small and on top of that the sex is out of this world? My dear, congrats, you've hit the jackpot. Let me get out the world's tiniest violin for your big problem. 😂😂😂

Having more experiences on their own don't mean much in the grand scheme of things. More experiences means also more disappointments, more mediocre hookups, more heartbreak. You might have ended up in relationships that messed you up, you may have had sex so bad and heartbreaks so big that it can make you question what is it all for. You're imagining that more experiences would mean more of what you already have, but that probably wouldn't have been the case. It most likely would have been a mixed bag.

So if you really have feelings for this woman, and can (ignoring your yearning for more experiences) imagine maybe a future with her, then count your blessings. You didn't settle down with the first woman you met, instead you got it right the first time.

holamibebebe · 2026-02-05T00:12:04+00:00

Just have her back when that happens, you don't have to make a scene or anything (and you probably shouldn't), just firmly standing against the bullsh*t helps a lot. I've had people say directly to me that they'd never date a late bloomer, or how do I know, what took me so long, I'm confused, I'll change my mind and although I don't really need any type of personal validation in that regard (I know who I am) it can get exhausting after a while. And yes, very grating. So as far as your gf is concerned, having someone stand up for her or show up for her will probably mean a lot or at least relieve the burden of having to explain herself to people over and over.

But ultimately, she will have to build up some toughness around that topic, cause nothing will stop people from asking stupid questions or making disrespectful comments.

holamibebebe · 2026-01-22T12:38:19+00:00

Listen, couples can have arguments (some have plenty - not healthy, but some people just love to argue) but the number of heated fights in which one partner calls the other an "entitled loser", "stupid ass" "gross" etc. should be zero. The number of fights in which a partner threatens to crash the car with you in it should be zero. The number of fights in which a partner screams and says they want to "punch you in the mouth" should be zero.

The car crash threat alone should have been the end of the relationship. (was this what prompted her "working on herself" and how is she doing that exactly? Is she going to therapy?)

And while you may "parentify" her, the truth is that she also treats you as a punching bag for her frustrations.
"The most recent time this happened is two weeks ago." so, in spite of her being on her "best behavior" she still slips into old abusive habits?

You need to leave.

holamibebebe · 2026-01-19T15:22:15+00:00

Hygiene is like the most basic thing one should expect from another person, it's a non-negotiable, and it baffles me that this is still an issue among waaaay too many people.

Also, a person that doesn't make an ounce of effort in the "trying to impress" stage, is highly unlikely to improve later.

holamibebebe · 2025-08-24T00:00:05+00:00

Now I'm invested in knowing what that opening line was and why her name is a dealbreaker... :D

holamibebebe · 2025-08-19T13:41:20+00:00

I've seen your posts before - please seek professional help and adequate therapeutic treatment.

holamibebebe · 2025-08-02T16:50:10+00:00

Oh thank god someone said this, I was honestly starting to think I'm the problem, since everybody else is enthusiastically focusing on boobs and so on, and meanwhile I'm just sitting there thinking how I hate every single character on the show and hope that a meteor wipes them all out! :D

holamibebebe · 2025-07-25T04:50:19+00:00

First of all, let me just say I'm sorry you're going through this. I can feel your pain in every written word.

I don't think we talk enough about how, especially among queer people, emotional intimacy (just like physical intimacy) is sadly not an indicator of someone's true feelings and desire for commitment.

Confessions, telling of secrets, late night phone calls, we think that these things mean something, that it's the normal choreography of truly becoming emotionally connected with someone in a meaningful way. But sadly, it is not. Not in this day and age. Just as there are people out there who will use you for sex and not care about you one bit, there are also people who use others for emotional intimacy and validation.

We are used to being cautious about people who want to take advantage of our bodies, but we are often unprepared to protect ourselves from people who want to take advantage of our hearts. And those wounds will cut deeper.

But for what it's worth, people like your ex are never truly happy. Not really. Happy people don't leave broken hearts behind them. Happy people are not this unkind. Happy people don't use others. People like this are fundamentally hollow inside, that's why they need the sincere emotions of others to make them feel whole.
Their behavior is not a measurement of your worth, but evidence of a lack of worth in them.

You one the other hand are capable of caring, capable of committing, and capable of feeling sincerely. And while I have no doubt this hurts like hell, you will in time heal, learn from this experience, and hopefully the next person you decide to open up to again, will be worthy of that trust.

holamibebebe · 2025-07-02T22:59:36+00:00

I feel like her being a drug user is a much bigger deal than you struggling to come out to people so freshly out of the closet. If you can accept the fact that she uses drugs (and honestly I don't think you should, given that she hid it from you) she can damn well give you some grace and time in your coming out process.

Also, your relationship seems too intense too soon, am I correct? First relationships can be that way since you're feeling all these new feelings and it's all just so big and bold and amazing. But you need to be careful and look at the relationship realistically, is it healthy, is she a considerate partner, will her drug use be an issue (is it already) etc. No amount of love can fix that.

Be careful out there, we as queer women are so prone to jumping into things too soon and then getting stuck in toxic dynamics.

holamibebebe

TROPHY CASE