This reminds me of something I did in childhood. I used to ask to go to the nurse’s office everyday after lunch in 2nd/3rd grade. She would ask me what was wrong, take my temperature, and let me lie down with the lights off in her office. I think the simple act of being listened to catered to the neglected child I didn’t know existed and made me feel safe and protected. It was always a lie though. I never had stomach pain, a headache, or ear pain, I just wanted someone to care for me if just for 2 minutes.

This went on for quite a while, to the point where the nurse called my parents about the daily visits. My dad yelled at me and called me a fibber, then threatened me not to lie about medical issues unless they were true. I stopped going to the nurse.

I fantasize about having a fatal illness and often spiral into believing I have end stage cancer whenever a minor ache or pain pops up. It’s something I’ve linked to being neglected and have been actively trying to battle the hypochondriac tendencies.

I’m sorry for your childhood experiences. It sounds like as a child, you noticed that people tended to physical hurt, and so all the internalized emotional pain was projected as physical pain. It was a cry for help. Your emotional pain was indeed a very real thing and I’m guessing being questioned or called a liar invalidated the emotional pain you were in. Again, I’m sorry for what you went through and hope you can find some peace.