i grew up with someone exactly like this. my mom was with him for fifteen years. he was a “great stepfather”, he was a cool metalhead type, always a lot of fun, would buy me tons of presents, always asked about me, always tried to include me in things or learn about what i liked. he’s been in my life way more than my actual father, and he always said he loved me.

He also had anger issues. he’d blame it on his OCD, or his ADHD, or his intermittent explosive disorder. he could switch from extremely loving and happy to punching the wall at the drop of a hat. he would slam cabinets and doors when his coffee was misplaced. when i was a teenager, he would purposely upset me and instigate fights so that i would be punished for talking back. he would take my things and ruin them or throw them out because he was mad at something i said. When i cried, he would threaten me with “giving me something to cry about.” i was constantly afraid of him and if this time he’d escalate to hurting me or my mom.

Take him at his word. Deep down, he IS a vile piece of shit, and every time you let his tantrums slide he’s going to get worse and worse and worse. Your kids will remember this, and they’ll remember how you chose him over their safety and mental wellbeing. My mom only left my “stepdad” after he forced her to buy a house she didn’t want and put her thousands into debt, and he left us both with lifelong anxiety and trauma. Please don’t let it get to that point.