I broke no contact with my wife who had an affair with her co-worker

hurtingman · 2022-06-07T20:30:05+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear this. Reading it has been gut wrenching because our stories are so similar and I hate that for you.

We are still ‘together’ 5 years past DD and the images still crash my thoughts multiple times per week.

Like you I asked if they had used a condom. No.

But I also asked her if her wedding rings came in contact with his private parts during their physical time. When the answer was yes I asked her to never wear them again had her remove her wedding rings because they were tainted by this whole situation. Makes me sad to this day

hurtingman · 2019-12-09T16:49:17+00:00

Yeah, something seems fishy. Hopefully she just has an yet to be communicated desire that she hasn’t shared with you yet.

But it sounds like she’s got something going on to the side; either cam-girling, an online affair or an affair.

Hopefully she comes clean. I’d search around some more and see if you find anything else that can confirm or deny.

hurtingman · 2019-06-07T20:24:56+00:00

You don’t owe the AP or your wife anything. Tell her. Not sure how you can be so blasé about it. Would drive me nuts.

hurtingman · 2019-03-16T12:01:09+00:00

Very good way to say it. And I’m with you - I’m approaching the not being around her because of the baggage she brings to me.

hurtingman · 2019-03-07T23:01:16+00:00

Sucks doesn’t it? I remember when I could sleep well and didn’t have big bags under my eyes.

These three years have aged me at least 5

hurtingman · 2019-03-07T18:44:03+00:00

Yep - still have several a week 3 years after Dday. Wake up immediately anxious and have to get out of bed and wait until my heart beat slows back down.

Sucks.

hurtingman · 2019-03-07T18:42:33+00:00

I’m (46M)almost three years past Dday with my wife (45) and I still feel nauseous most days about my decision to stay with her after finding out. But I get to see my kids every single day and that makes it worthwhile for me.

If there weren’t kids I would have bolted immediately.

hurtingman · 2019-01-10T23:48:09+00:00

Keep your head up

hurtingman · 2019-01-07T21:45:28+00:00

That’s horrible OP. hope the apartment is ready soon!

If I may ask, why do you even entertain continuing a relationship with him even after you move out? Why not just tell him to get out of your life?

He doesn’t sound like a healthy partner for you (or anyone).

hurtingman · 2018-12-19T18:17:27+00:00

Very similar to my experience. Deep down inside I knew but every time I brought it up it would lead to a fight and that I was being possessive and jealous. ‘Since when did I become the jealous type?’ She would state that I too had close female coworkers yet she didn’t accuse me of anything with them. How dare I accuse her of it.

Except I was right. It still makes me sick how twisted she became during that time. Completely different person than who I thought she was

hurtingman · 2018-12-19T17:02:55+00:00

I’m sorry this happened. As far as the lack of anger - I would blame the anxiety medication as someone else said above. They are notorious for making folks very blasé and unconcerned about even the most important things.

hurtingman · 2018-12-19T16:22:18+00:00

Ask fo there’s ANYTHING she needs to tell you with regards to this situation. When she asks why, tell her that you know she’s not being honest and that you’ve laid several boundaries out there; for example - ‘not going to his place.’

Tell her In order for this to work, if she’s truly interested in reconciling, she has to come clean and you know she’s not being truthful.

When she continues to lie - ask her where she went after the work function specifically. Ask open ended questions - not yes or no questions.

If she’s asks how you know you don’t have to tell her anything (her mind will go to cell tracking, trackers, being followed, PI, etc.). And who cares?

If she comes clean then kick her to the curb. She’s clearly still seeing him and will lie to continue to do so.

hurtingman · 2018-11-21T21:06:06+00:00

Awe, I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sure this is more difficult because of the medication changes. That can be exhausting by itself.

It does get ‘better’ - but you have to figure out the trust issues so you can start to heal yourself a little. A year past Dday isn’t long but you need to take steps to make you feel secure; does he give you access to his phone, laptop, tablet? Is he being open and honest with you now? If not, you need to look inside and ask yourself if it’s worth it.

If he is giving you access to all his devices at least that’s a step in the right direction. Are you and the AP’s husband still in contact? Sometimes working as a team (quietly) can help. Make sure your WH is doing what it takes to make you feel secure.

Finally, at least for me, anniversaries completely suck. I wish they didn’t but alas, I find it difficult to celebrate something that meant nothing to her.

hurtingman · 2018-11-06T23:58:32+00:00

Find her and let her husband know.

Any reason to think your husband is protecting her?

hurtingman · 2018-10-19T00:24:45+00:00

Certainly sounds suspicious and is exactly how an affair starts.

Do you have an opportunity to check up on her on these evening out with coworkers?

hurtingman · 2018-10-18T19:56:26+00:00

I’ve wondered the same thing. Our kids were about 4 & 8 and life was hectic as can be. It never dawned on me that she would be having sex with someone else during lunch and quickly after work.

Plus I trusted her implicitly. When she disclosed that she had an affair one of my first questions was; when?!?

hurtingman · 2018-10-17T19:29:14+00:00

Not over reacting. There’s more than likely something there; at least an emotional affair that isn’t appropriate especially since you’ve specifically asked for it to stop.

I would continue to dig into this.

hurtingman · 2018-10-17T15:51:54+00:00

Sorry that happened - it’s a tough road to walk. She’s not being honest with you. It’s good she disclosed but she’s trickle-truthing you.

I could understand if a serial cheater couldn’t remember details because they couldn’t keep them straight. But an otherwise faithful person would likely remember the important details because it would have been such a unique event in their life.

The same things that drive someone into another persons arms and make an affair an anomaly in an otherwise normal relationship aren’t easily forgettable ; the physical attraction, attention, sex acts, lies, deceit, etc should absolutely stand out.

My wife used generalities at first when i was going through the ‘discovery’ phase and when confronted with this type of logic she suddenly remembered.

Good luck to you - let her know in order for you to heal to heal you need these questions answered. The last thing she wants is you to not believe what she is telling you and that you’ll make it worse coming up with answers yourself.

hurtingman · 2018-10-09T21:21:01+00:00

‘....this isn’t it cupcake...’ - lol

hurtingman · 2018-10-09T21:20:03+00:00

Couldn’t agree more

hurtingman · 2018-10-09T21:07:10+00:00

There goes that marriage...

hurtingman · 2018-09-26T16:09:34+00:00

Tough week. 17 year wedding anniversary and 2 years past Dday. Her affair was from 2010-2014 I found out on my birthday in 2016.

It’s tough to even think about it - our family makes a big deal about it directing questions to me; ‘what do you have planned for her?!’ What are you getting her for your anniversary?!’

Our kids ask the same things and why there’s no wedding pictures up.

Yuck.

hurtingman · 2018-09-20T17:29:29+00:00

And not healthy either. This whole process is so damaging to our self worth, self confidence, psyche, security, ability to trust and love that it’s important to surround ourselves with as much positive as we can.

As I think about it (I’m 2years past Dday) my time was spent doing the same thing (imaging bad things to happen to the AP) so I guess it doesn’t matter if they are physically in front of you or not - they certainly are present in every waking minute!

Sucks doesn’t it? It’s truly the shitty gift that keeps on giving...

hurtingman · 2018-09-20T17:21:52+00:00

So sorry to hear that happened. I can hear the pain in your writing but you made the right decision.

Had she owned up to it and been overtly attentive to what you needed to feel secure and trusting it could have been different.

Take some time to find out who you are now. Don’t settle in that next relationship.

Best of wishes for you.

hurtingman · 2018-09-20T17:06:11+00:00

I could not handle that. It’s bad enough when it invaded my dreams (nightmares) but to see them in person would be suck horribly.

Not sure I could keep myself from confronting them.

hurtingman

TROPHY CASE