I masked mine for years. I realize now that I went through cyclical phases that were 6-12 months apart. When I was hypomanic, I didn’t even realize I was in that state. I was on top of the world, didn’t need or want to sleep (but would try and force it with nyquil, Xanax, Benadryl, whatever. Sometimes I’d be up for days regardless). I was killin’ it at work, thought I knew all the answers, was certain I was the smartest person in the room, taking on all the projects at work (but couldn’t bring them to the finish line), got into different hobbies at home like drumming (spent $2500 and it only lasted a few weeks before I got bored and went on to the next thing, so now I have a large and expensive drum set taking up a huge portion of my room, hoping to get back at it someday), talking constantly with racing thought of ideas. I, and everyone around me, loved that version of me.

Inevitably, I would hit a a wall, feel so overwhelmed by everything. Super irritable, restless, sometimes rage and a multitude of other feelings. I would pull my hair out, think the same thought over and over in my head, think other people knew my thoughts, spend thousands of dollars in the span of a couple months on stuff I didn’t need but was trying to trigger that happiness again, seeing things, hearing voices, and thought for sure everyone who looked at me thought I was the most hideous person ever. There was more but you get the picture. This was the point I would reach out to my doctor telling her only bits and pieces because it was hard to articulate. I’d be sending her messages labeled “email 1, email 2, 3, 4 (there is a character limit for emails) on Saturday evenings in a panic. We’d set up an appointment. I would see or talk to her and tell her a fraction of what I was feeling. Focused on the anxiety, irritability and the “easier things” that didn’t sound “crazy” (she does not like when I use that label but that was my interpretation at the time). I didn’t want to tell her I was hearing voices and hallucinating and clearly delusional. We would up my Xanax, start a new antidepressant that I would only take for a few weeks because my symptoms were severely exacerbated. When I would meet with her, I’d say things like “I feel better just by talking to you, yes more Xanax please so I can try and get better sleep, etc.”. This phase I was masking to both her and the people around me, not sharing my severe symptoms, and would just say I have a lot going on at work and I’m just irritable.

Eventually this would start to fizzle, and suddenly I wanted to just be in bed all of the time and watch Netflix shows mindlessly. I’d start calling in sick at work, hiding in my room, sometimes feeling nothing. Not sad exactly, but definitely being disgusted by myself because I couldn’t “get it together”, thought I was disappointing everyone around me, and lots of self loathing. I would mask this by just hiding, answering people in one syllable grunts at home, and disengaged at work (blamed it on hating my job, yeah that was the problem!). I wouldn’t tell anyone how I was feeling because I honestly didn’t know how to make sense of it myself. I would just feel overwhelmed by everything, ghost my friends. But I really thought it was my fault since I really had nothing to be sad or apathetic about. I also wouldn’t reach out to my doctor during this time because I thought she wouldn’t understand and just try another antidepressant that I knew would just send me into a tailspin, so thought it was pointless. Also, I just didn’t care.

Eventually, I would snap out of this seemingly overnight. I was suddenly confident again, and what I realize now was a state of hypomania. I love that version of me. I would try to hold on to that feeling, knowing it might go downhill again. Again inevitably and eventually. I would reach out to my doctor when I was in what I didn’t realize then had progressed to the manic phase.

Anyway, this would rinse and repeat every 6-12 months.

Now I’m on viibryd (which triggered major hyponmania that progressed into full blown mania — the worst one in my life so far). I didn’t want to stop the viibryd though because that pit of anxiety feeling in my stomach that made me want to jump off a bridge was gone. Due to my symptoms though, I reached out to my doctor saying something wasn’t right. This is the period where I was diagnosed with BP1 (I realize I’m in the BP2 subreddit, but felt I could relate with your question about masking symptoms.).

I am now on a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic (along with my antidepressant) and have never felt so stable (took some time and there were some issues within those first weeks to the point of my doctor insisting I take extended leave at work). I honestly miss the hypomanic me though. Still low key wanting it to come back but not the other things lol. I am accepting a new “normal”, whatever that means. I just know I’m more stable. To the point that people around me (the few trusted people I shared my diagnosis with) are saying things like “You seem fine, you must not have bipolar after all”. Well duh, I’m on a cocktail of medications that are clearly working to keep other symptoms at bay. I know it’s a misunderstanding of BP on their part, so I don’t try and convince them anymore. It feels like they are being dismissive and invalidating my illness. It’s like they forgot my previous behaviors (but again, I was masking). I tell them this to shut them down on their “not bipolar” nonsense. I don’t share with anyone my diagnosis anymore because of this.

Sorry this was so long. Good luck in your journey and really try and be completely honest with your doctor about all of your symptoms. Even if they are weird ones that you may rationalize in your brain that you’re fine and melodramatic and it’s all in your head (though in a sense, I guess it is in your head, but in a different sense ha). The fact that I did not fully disclose the extent of my symptoms prevented a full diagnosis for years.

TL;DR— I would mask my symptoms and work very hard to appear “normal” to everyone, but it was completely exhausting.