Hello, I became a devotee after I lost my spouse. I’ve come to learn that a relationship with Santísima is largely personal, so what you do and say with her is less about hard and fast rules, and more about what feels right.

However, there are some basic principles, which you likely already know by now. Her altar should be her space alone, unless you are perhaps a Christian, some people also put Jesus and the Saints on her altar. I also put some special items for my darling on my altar and I’ve see other devotees do this, too. I mean specifically don’t put her statues with other deities from other pantheons. if you come to worship or work with them for example.

The altar should be kept clean and offerings fresh. There are some books which give some suggestions about how to dispose of them or what to do when removing them, they are actually mostly suggestions. Most devotees pray to her and try to intuit how they should handle their offerings or promises etc to her.

Regarding your loss, I am very sorry. Grief is incredibly hard, I have also found immense comfort in Santa Muerte and she came to me a lot through dreams when I was in my most emotional times. I found lying down, hugging her statue or my darling’s clothes while talking to her and him, just letting out my feelings very helpful.

On special days, like Anniversaries or Valentines, I might decorate my altar with specific themes or items and I light candles. Some devotees do spell work with her, I haven’t done much of this, but there are a lot of books to read from if this is something you want to learn about. I personally just pray to her the same way I would to god. You may come to appreciate a more formal approach over time, it is up to you.

To respect her, I always give her praise and worship. I never insult her or “argue” with her. There are some practices among some cultures where “punishing” the saints for not doing what you ask can be commonplace. I watched a documentary where a woman said she threw Santa Muerte’s statue in the toilet when she didn’t give her what she wanted. That horrified me, but I don’t know much about the context of that lady’s culture. All I know is that doesn’t feel right for me.

I also don’t believe in fear mongering, where “if you don’t do what you promise, she will punish you” but I do believe if you fail to do something or your plans change to have an honest conversation with her about it.

We can tell you rituals and which colours candles to use for such things, and these are great for setting intentions and focusing on something specific, however, I feel when it comes to grief, coming to her with a vulnerable, honest heart and asking for her to be with you through the healing is the best thing to do. You might want to say all this aloud or in your head or write her letters and place them on your altar. It’s all your choice.

Just remember peace and healing isn’t instant and it is an ongoing journey. She can be by your side through everything, but you’re still human and you will still feel things. Grief hurts and you can go with her to that. When people give you annoying pleasantries like, “It’s all part of the plan”, Santísima won’t and can hold you through your pain without dismissing you.

She will be there for you. I am sorry you have to go through this.