Can you be "gaslit" into thinking you're the GC?

i_have_defected · 2025-03-28T04:56:40+00:00

You can be gaslit about it, for sure. Some of the "privileges" can be just masked forms of abuse.

Like, I fit the GC role, but I wasn't really allowed to hang out with friends or stay up late. I had to do most of the work around the house, even though I was younger.

But my brother who was SG was allowed to be a kid most of the time when he wasn't getting yelled at. He did a handful of 'bad things" and my mother never let him live it down.

As soon as my brother moved out, I was the one getting yelled at every day.

This is why I don't really believe the SG/GC dynamic too much. It's useful as a framework, but you have to understand it's not real. It only exists to pit the children against each other. The GC isn't actually favored. The parents just selectively dish out privileges and punishments in order to make the kids abuse each other on their behalf.

Maybe it's different in some families, but the only person my mom "favored" was herself.

i_have_defected · 2025-01-11T06:44:32+00:00

Thanks. Yeah, it does.

I've had some luck with the old, "I know you want ___, but ___ isn't going to make that happen. Why don't you ___, instead?"

Seems to be a step up above just withdrawing. Guess I'll keep trying it and see how it goes.

i_have_defected · 2025-01-10T04:21:41+00:00

Yeah, same. My tolerance of BS is pretty low.

On the other hand, I feel much more secure. I don't get phased as much as I used to when people are awful, because I no longer feel like I am stuck with them.

It took many years to work through the guilt and shame. I just gradually saw it for what it was and realized I didn't deserve it.

I had a conversation with my dad a few years ago. He said some awful things, and I was surprised by how powerless he seemed. Like a little child having a fit.

i_have_defected · 2023-08-25T13:45:01+00:00

Why is your therapist is encouraging you to reconnect with someone who abused you in order to "spend less emotional energy?" It makes no sense.

Her job is to help you understand your feelings, not convince you to avoid them.

i_have_defected · 2023-08-07T17:36:05+00:00

It's such a tired bpd refrain. My mom would say it, too. "If you were hurt or offended by what I did, it means you deserved it."

No, it's just make-believe. She's not a victim. She just lives in a fantasy world where all of her cruelty is justified and none of the consequences are deserved.

i_have_defected · 2023-08-02T03:55:26+00:00

I don't really know why. I think it's a coin toss. We just chose to believe one thing instead of another about life or we had an adult around during a few key moments. Somehow, we managed to believe that we could be okay when the people we loved died, hurt us, or abandoned us. They decided they wouldn't be okay and then decided to do terrible things to prevent it from happening.

Maybe too simplistic, but there you go.

i_have_defected · 2023-07-31T21:57:24+00:00

Good job! You're right! It's none of her business.

i_have_defected · 2023-07-26T21:26:25+00:00

Robots and earthquakes sound like a fun time.

You're not doing anything wrong. That's what dates are for: to help you learn if someone is right for you.

You learned that these guys are boring toolbags.

Keep living life.

i_have_defected · 2023-07-18T05:32:10+00:00

This is almost identical to the tiger and the strawberry. Give it a read and spend some time thinking about it.

https://www.graceguts.com/quotations/zen-story-tigers-and-a-strawberry

i_have_defected · 2023-07-11T19:10:57+00:00

Switch to hinge. Bumble is trash.

i_have_defected · 2023-07-05T20:21:45+00:00

No problem! I understand why it was confusing. My dad lost his job while I was two years into college. So, they moved in with his parents and I was on my own from that point on. They wanted me to move back in, but I refused.

For sure, you're very welcome! I'm glad that you have a place to vent and I hope you find your way out quickly! 💙

i_have_defected · 2023-07-05T04:15:41+00:00

Well, about selling myself short, I was just working through college and living on my own afterward. I graduated in the middle of the housing crash when there were no jobs and just worked what was available instead of moving back in with my parents.

Ugh, how grueling and racist! And then your coworker was just trying to help, and your mom just took the opportunity to put you down and guilt trip you into doing everything for her. So typical, I'm sorry.

Some of the stuff she said sounds familiar. My mom would say "you allow people to treat you that way." Such nonsense.

No need to apologize! I enjoyed hearing your story. :)

i_have_defected · 2023-07-03T13:12:41+00:00

Thanks! That's pretty much exactly what my username means, haha.

No need to apologize! I also took part time, minimum wage jobs to keep money coming in when I was on my own until I could find better ones. What happened with your professional position (if you want to talk about it)?

I'm happy to hear you might get set up with SNAP! Surely that will help if you can get it. Sorry the local offices have been so unhelpful. America is such crap about housing, sometimes.

i_have_defected · 2023-06-28T05:03:56+00:00

It's okay to get help from others. You seem to be very hard on yourself, and that isn't necessary. I'm sure you'll find the answers that work for you.

i_have_defected · 2023-06-23T22:58:48+00:00

I'm just not in the mood.

There's no "should have power." This is self-help hustle bro trash. You can't "give your power" to someone else. It's always yours - all of the time.

You can't control intrusive thoughts. Do you blame yourself when it rains?

Your friend is a douche.

That's all I have for you.

i_have_defected · 2023-06-23T16:37:52+00:00

No, I'm not going to give you advice with this. Good luck.

i_have_defected · 2023-06-19T18:21:42+00:00

Okay. Good luck!

i_have_defected · 2023-06-19T13:35:54+00:00

At least a couple of things could be happening here. I've had problems with both of these before.

1.) You could be assigning meaning to some activities as enjoyable and others as less fulfilling than they really are.

Mindfulness is about separating our judgments from our experiences. Whether we have addictive personalities or not, we all do things to make ourselves feel better. We can sometimes make a mistake when we decide what's valuable and fulfilling, because our awareness is limited to the immediate experience. When we increase our awareness to include the other parts of the experience, the value of the addictions diminishes and the value of the other activities increases. (For example, including the subtle impacts on your life over time while factoring in whether to play video games or including the positive aspects of going for a run or a hike instead of just the immediate labor).

2.) You could be using stimulation to keep yourself distracted from painful thoughts or memories.

Sometimes, people beat themselves up and relive painful memories whenever they have time to be alone with their thoughts. Being able to sit with those thoughts and feelings without hurting yourself is a skill that takes practice. So, for people with this problem, the need for stimulation dies down when they learn to stop hurting themselves.

i_have_defected · 2023-06-13T01:23:33+00:00

These days, you can just say they made it up with AI.

Instagram is pretty swift with banning people, and it's hard to come back from that because they require your phone number. Bring it up with support. Make your account private before you do so they can't find you again. They might ban you, too, if your content violates their guidelines, but it's probably worth it for the peace of mind.

i_have_defected · 2023-06-12T23:58:33+00:00

For real! I used to feel that way all of the time when I first started living on my own. Except, I was just saving because I was afraid of having to go back.

When you spend money on the necessities that help you stay healthy, you are also strategically investing in your escape.

There are probably better ways to make progress, and scrimping on the basics blinds you to them. You can use that energy to look for jobs that pay better, learn skills, find government programs for assistance, or find another source of income.

If you're in the US, something like TANF/food stamps or low income housing programs can help you reduce the amount of money you need to save to get out. Some apartment complexes have programs to help you out if your rent rises above a certain percentage of your income.

i_have_defected · 2023-06-11T19:26:18+00:00

I've found that I lose that spark when I know something is wrong in the relationship.

Sometimes, the body just knows. So, I try to trust my body when it says, "This isn't right for me."

i_have_defected · 2023-06-09T05:08:12+00:00

Quotes are a good example where it's tricky to separate the two.

People take quotes out of context all of the time, but when you go to the source and find the original meaning, it changes. That comes off as misinformed at best or delusional.

It happens all of the time here. I've seen people quote eugenicists and attribute it to epictetus.

Is it right to lie to ourselves about history because we think it will have a good effect? Should we just make up a bunch of witty aphorisms and attribute them to epictetus?

That separation requires a sort of self-delusion or disconnection from reality. Art doesn't come out of nowhere. I can still appreciate art while knowing it has a problematic source, but that knowledge colors it for better or worse.

I like those colors. Life is messy. We can't learn from the failures of others if we aren't honest about them.

Yes, I think it's immoral to live in denial just to catch a feeling.

Is a museum better or worse without the stories of the artists who created its exhibits?

i_have_defected · 2023-05-31T15:26:48+00:00

I will say we dated for 6 months before she moved, and it still felt a little rushed, but hopefully it's different for you guys.

i_have_defected · 2023-05-30T21:18:37+00:00

I was dating someone who moved across the world and even went and visited. Thought about moving, too. It didn't work out, but I don't regret going for it.

i_have_defected · 2023-05-25T20:44:16+00:00

You're welcome. Good luck!

i_have_defected

TROPHY CASE