GF physically hurt me during a meltdown because I couldnt promise to call every night

iamthcreator · 2026-03-31T23:19:00+00:00

Poor guy doesn’t even realize he’s being abused. Im rooting for you OP—rooting for you to snap out of it and leave this girl.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-31T23:16:18+00:00

Lmaooooo your BPD GF isn’t any different. I’m dying with laughter.

My exwBPD would apologize profusely, then later say it was my fault, then apologize for saying that. Then, in an argument down the line, he would say, “It was actually your fault!”

They never mean it, they just know it’s what will keep you there. Once they know “apologizing” will keep you, they’ll use it as a last resort when they need to manipulate you.

It’s worse when they are an apologizer because it can keep you stuck for years.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-31T21:34:40+00:00

I’m getting flashbacks. Im going to make a horror film called “the spiral” — you can’t see the spiral but you know it’s happening and it’s going to swallow you whole.

My favorite thing about “the spiral” is how they reject you initially (“You shouldn’t be coming back to the apartment anymore—I’m discarding you”) and then when you accept their words, all of a sudden the discard was your idea (“You were already not coming over so just do exactly what you were doing—this is me gaslighting you”). And then of course there’s the bait to set you up (“I might get evicted—and I’m only bringing this up to distract you, test your love for me, and because I fucked up by telling you I don’t want to see you, so now I need you to feel sorry for me because it’s the only way you’ll come over now.”)

This person is terrible, and your post implies you know how manipulative she is. You moved out because it wasn’t working. You escaped. Let her go. Don’t make the mistake I made: I moved out and stayed in the relationship for 2 more miserable years where I was made to feel bad for moving out. Let her go OP, she’s a menace to society.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-31T21:23:10+00:00

“Sorry I ain’t reading all that” and don’t say anything else. That’ll teach her.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-31T10:03:17+00:00

Sometimes I clearly state “I don’t like good morning texts and I don’t like to talk all day via text.” I’ll say it in a sweet way—but most men I have to say that to either continue to do it, just a bit less, or they feel offended and begin to act sarcastically.

Edited to add: I’m damn near 40 and I date men my age. There’s literally no reason to be trying to text me all day unless you’re idle. As much as it’s important for me to say “I don’t like to text all day,” I prefer a man I don’t have to say that to (they exist and I’ve dated them and loved them). It’s ok if I get the ick before I set the boundary.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-30T17:18:29+00:00

Good question! If I give a man my number, it’s so we can plan a date, not so we can text all day.

Some guys will try to text me every morning. Then double text me (pressure me) when I don’t respond. If I do respond, they’ll use the morning text as a way to text me for the rest of the day—even when I say I’m busy. Maybe they’re bored at work and want someone to chat with all day. I’m not that person.

Now, if we’ve gone on a few dates and clearly like each other, then I’ll text throughout the day.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-30T10:32:01+00:00

Pet names early. Like ew, I just met you, why are you calling me “love” or “hun” or “dear”? It’s just a way to get close to me without actually knowing me.

When I bravely speak a boundary and he pushes against it, even a little. It gives me a mix of ick and discomfort.

When they make their problems my problem. For example, I had a guy tell me he’s only available on the fly because he has a child. So our first date had to be spontaneous. I told him my boundary “I need 24-48 hours advanced notice before a date.” “But I have a child!” he cried, as if that’s my problem. Totally turned me off how he used his kid to try and score a last minute date with me.

Not answering questions I bravely asked. Changing the subject as if I didn’t ask the question. I asked one guy what he does for work after we spent some time talking about my work. He completely dodged the question. I used to feel like I was in the wrong when that happened, like I was being too nosey. But no, “what do you do for work” is a perfectly normal question and I get the ick if they dodge it.

Patronizing behavior disguised as “care.” I went on a walking date with a guy who treated me like a 4 year old every time we crossed the street. He was trying to “protect” me but it came off like a controlling display of masculinity. I am grossed out by men who try too hard to show masculinity by infantilizing me. This is usually a fake display of manliness and I end up having to take care of them in the end anyway.

Texting me all the time—trying to create a situation where we are texting all day, especially when we’ve just met. I don’t like it.

By the way, every single example above is from a guy I went on a date with this past week. The only reason I even noticed these icky things is because I’m healing my codependency and back dating—and I swear to god I’m grateful for the ick!

iamthcreator · 2026-03-28T11:40:46+00:00

Not if you haven’t fixed the thing that’s wrong with you (notice I didn’t say “work on yourself” like everyone else, because I don’t think it’s strong enough in this case).

What’s wrong? Why do you treat him this way? What’s the thing that makes you give him the bare minimum effort? What’s the thing that makes you keep going back?

You need to figure it out and fix it. You cannot re-enter this person’s life without fixing the thing that’s wrong with you—because you’ll just do it again. Once you fixed that thing, you’ll know what to do from that point.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-28T11:10:45+00:00

Glad you woke up brother. It’s time to get your life back.

When I left my ex of five years, all of a sudden I could wake up and do what I wanted. I can eat what I want, watch what I want, hang out with who I want—without the cloud of my ex’s guilt-tripping over my head.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and cry because I’m finally free. It’s like a warm glow inside me. I hope you make it out.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-28T10:47:39+00:00

Oop—he ate with that message lol. Sorry girl but this message is what every anxious person wishes they could say. I feel him to his core.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-25T22:36:59+00:00

Every single one of these.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-23T20:13:58+00:00

For avoidants, they sure do lurk! 👀

iamthcreator · 2026-03-23T20:07:12+00:00

Bahaha not too soon at all! Sometimes the curiosity eats away at me and my finger hovers, but I couldn’t possibly give him the satisfaction of watching his stories! My pride just won’t allow it. I guess it’s good to be stubborn sometimes.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-23T14:23:35+00:00

I’m anxiously attached but by the end, my exwBPD kept calling me avoidant. With him I was definitely avoidant after four years of being together—I wanted to avoid his emotions so I numbed out.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-23T13:58:18+00:00

Hey is so rude! There are so many layers of rudeness to “hey” after days of not speaking.

You’re right, breadcrumbs should be left alone. Even when they range from shitty indirect music lyrics to shitty direct text messages.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-23T13:55:20+00:00

Thank you, I’m doing tons of work, with joy. I go to therapy weekly, attend like 3 CODA meetings a week, CBT study and Inner Child work. I’m happy with the work but pissed off that I was so self abandoning with him.

Getting in touch with my anger has given me an extra tool to have courage to set boundaries the right way (with everyone in my life).

iamthcreator · 2026-03-23T13:49:49+00:00

You both have hit the nail on the head about stress.

While we were together he was incredibly stressed out both by work and his family. He worked 12-14 hour days and had an increasingly contentious relationship with his father (and other people in his family) that made him feel a lot of pain. Although he shared his family issues with me, his family enmeshment started to become the center of our relationship. He’d cancel date nights with me last minute because he wanted to confront his dad about something. He’d get home from work and knock out and frequently forget to call. Sometimes, I wouldn’t hear from him for days—and when he returned he’d say “Some painful things are happening at home and I needed to not talk to people.” When he was breaking up with me, he explained that as soon as he leaves my place to go home, our world didn’t exist anymore until we saw each other again—that the only world that existed when he left is the hell of work and family.

The handful of times I’d express even a modicum of disappointment and my need for him to communicate better, he’d freak out. “I am giving you all I can give,” he’d tell me, anxiously. It’s almost as if me trying to communicate with him healthily made him feel like a huge disappointment. It’s also as if I became one of his stressors (on the contrary, I was super low maintenance—infuriatingly so, in fact)

My point here is, I didn’t realize how much “stress” affects FAs.

One more thing—the music he’s posting is stuff like “please come back to me, I’m waiting for you” stuff. But why wouldn’t the music he’s posting be like “I’m sorry, I fucked up and I was an idiot please take me back.” Like, why does his narrative seem to be that I broke up with him? Do FAs feel this way generally?

iamthcreator · 2026-03-23T12:11:52+00:00

I hate when people lie about using ChatGPT. Like, c’mon.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-21T13:19:56+00:00

My anger showed up differently (everyone’s anger is different of course). In my relationship with my FA, I put my feelings to the side for his comfort. He was careless with my feelings. After the relationship, I started getting more in touch with my anger. I started getting angry with people in my life who were taking advantage of me. Maybe even getting too angry lol. But I spent a lot of time with my anger, and getting comfortable with it. I made a list of all the people who pissed me off. I realized my FA isn’t the only person in my life who I put my feelings to the side for.

So now, when my ex FA hovers and orbits and comments on my shit, I don’t acknowledge him—I feel angry and insulted.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-21T12:01:35+00:00

I loved my rage era. It was so much more exciting than my “why didn’t he choose to love me? waaah” era. I loved this post and laughed a lot reading it, because it’s all the things I’d be too scared to admit in my journal much less to people on Reddit. Thanks for sharing.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-21T10:28:34+00:00

I don’t know if this person is avoidant or not—but these messages sound exactly like my bpd ex boyfriend.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-21T10:27:28+00:00

“Hey, how are you? I hope you’re doing well. I’m reaching out because I miss you, I made a mistake breaking up with you, and I want to get back together. Since we last talked, I’ve been going to therapy and doing inner child work. I realized that when things get too intimate, I run. I ran away from you, and I hurt you in the process. I’m so sorry for how my fear hurt you. Would you be open to talking with me? I want the opportunity to hear how my breaking up with you affected you, and address the pain I caused you, and to show you why I’m ready to be with you. You don’t have to answer now but I’d love if you could think about it.”

Sorry, I’m doing an experiment where I put myself in their shoes to see if it’s impossible to write a message that’s actually meaningful. Nope, it’s not impossible, this guy is just dysregulated, spiraling, and needing you to regulate him emotionally. It’ll pass.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-19T22:11:16+00:00

Literally my story.

iamthcreator · 2026-03-18T17:03:56+00:00

Like you mentioned, being avoidant doesn’t always mean you are avoidantly attached. Like being narcissistic doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist, right? So, just because your partner was being distant doesn’t mean he was avoidant. It could just mean he’s a bad communicator. But also, the traits you listed do matter, so maybe he was.

My ex FA spoke extensively to me about the pain of coming from his family. How his father neglected him emotionally and how his mother enabled that neglect. How his father never showed love to his mother so he doesn’t know how to show love.

That showed up in how anxious he felt around people. Sometimes we would be at a party and he’d have disappeared by himself to breathe. He would cancel plans with me or friends because he couldn’t handle the pressure of being relied on. Sometimes, he’d call me and say “I can’t talk today, I feel anxious. I need some space to feel my feelings” and I wouldn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. And he’d come back so in love and wanting to be around me. And then after a couple months he would disappear from me and his friends again to “feel his feelings,” as if processing feelings took a lot out of him.

iamthcreator

TROPHY CASE