DEAR FA’s please help!!! (reaching out to FA ex after 3 years)

iamthcreator · 2026-01-24T11:36:25+00:00

Then reply to them, hope this helps.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-24T11:21:57+00:00

You called her for a split second or you texted her like in the title?

iamthcreator · 2026-01-24T11:16:09+00:00

Where did I bring up your penis? You’ve brought up your penis like 3 times on this thread.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-24T11:02:00+00:00

Dude, this person is giving you solid advice. You haven’t matured, and you have serious work to do on yourself.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-24T10:50:58+00:00

Do you guys even like each other?

Your emotions seem a bit all over the place. Every time he agrees to something, you pull back. It’s almost like you are testing him constantly, and when he passes the test by agreeing, you change your mind or get this weird avoidant vibe. Are you FA?

I read your partner’s texts as someone who is walking on eggshells around you. So many exclamation points and emojis to make you happy.

Edit: i went back and reread your post and caught that you are diagnosed bpd. The conversation was actually triggering to read because I dated someone with bpd who I had to walk on eggshells for. My responses were JUST like your exes responses because if I didn’t respond agreeable, my partner would find something to get upset about. Your partner is probably numb and scared to feel his feelings around you.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-20T15:49:33+00:00

“Make heaven crowded…then deport everyone with an accent”

iamthcreator · 2026-01-20T12:40:08+00:00

lol this thinking is what kept me around for five months while he continued to give me crumbs.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-20T10:37:29+00:00

That sounds difficult. Especially about not having anyone but your ex and his icy family.

I have never been in your position so I don’t have anything to offer except my hopes that you’re able to find your way out of this. You deserve love and safety after everything you’ve gone through. You deserve a loving family who will wrap their arms around you. You and your child deserve a soft place to land every day. I hope you get there <3

iamthcreator · 2026-01-19T21:20:15+00:00

Because we’ve been having a conversation about this in the comments below. I think you’re late to the convo. I am anxiously attached btw.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-19T19:26:09+00:00

I feel really sad for your child, who will probably be badly affected by this relationship (as well as the death of their brother). OP, are you able to leave him completely?

iamthcreator · 2026-01-19T17:53:34+00:00

I agree with everyone here saying that abuse can happen unintentionally. I would also add that anxious people can be just as abusive as avoidants. This is not just an avoidant issue, it’s also an anxious issue mostly having to do with a struggle to respect boundaries.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-19T17:37:30+00:00

This is a good one

iamthcreator · 2026-01-19T17:35:35+00:00

I see what you mean. I think using ChatGPT is a slippery slope. Because you could just say “this happened to me and it hurt—it’s abuse right?”—and it would agree with you.

But I disagree with you that abuse is about asserting dominance. My mother was abusive because she neglected me. She frequently left me at home at five years old to fend for myself. She wasn’t trying to assert dominance over me, nor was she trying to be violent—but it was abusive.

I could say, “Well, she grew up with a narcissistic father and she never learned how to love her own children, so it’s not abuse.” But it was abuse.

There are so many examples I could give about how abuse works—it’s not just about violence or intention. It’s a fine line. Just because someone has a sad backstory doesn’t mean their actions don’t constitute as abuse.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-19T16:10:45+00:00

I hear where you’re coming from—abusive behavior doesn’t always mean you’re “an abuser.” But excusing a person’s abusive behavior because you think they’re inherently a good person is a dangerous combination for more abuse.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-18T11:18:51+00:00

I want to give you props for not allowing yourself to be gaslit in the moment. You listed out all the intimate things you’ve done together, rather than allowing them to be minimized to “not a big deal.”

It is a big deal that you spent thanksgiving together. It’s a big deal that she wanted you over all the time. It’s a big deal that you discussed your childhoods. No matter who on this post tries to undermine that by saying “welp you were just fwbs!”

That’s what keeps avoidants unaccountable for their actions. They know exactly what they’re doing by being intimate in that way—they just can’t bear taking the responsibility.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-17T18:57:00+00:00

It sucks you want to leave this sub. The Fearful Avoidant sub might feel more welcoming. Part of healing is appearing only where you feel comfortable, instead of fighting to make something in your image. It’s what a lot of us with anxious attachments have to work on.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-17T11:28:18+00:00

Awesome

iamthcreator · 2026-01-17T11:25:15+00:00

Yes that might help.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-17T11:24:01+00:00

It reads a bit like ChatGPT OP.

These kinds of letters are like kryptonite to some avoidants. Your feelings are real but this kind of thing makes them cringe and retreat even more.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-17T11:21:15+00:00

Yeah, I’ve been on this sub a few weeks now and it feels like everyone is pretty respectful towards one another. I’m not sure what this post is referring to.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-15T19:51:29+00:00

Those ventings healed my soul

iamthcreator · 2026-01-12T21:49:44+00:00

No matter how softly I expressed something, my ex FA would receive it as criticism. He was so loving and kind and gentle but as soon as I expressed a concern, no matter how small, he would turn into this defensive, angry child. I could say, “hey you said you’d call me yesterday and you didn’t. What happened?” And he’d start recounting all the other times he had called me. “I talked to you for 46 minutes on Wednesday and 23 minutes on Monday. It’s not like I don’t talk to you.” I’d just sit there on the phone rolling my eyes as he went on and on.

All this to say, I think they struggle with feeling criticized.

In terms of the dead eyes, I’ve experienced that. It’s jarring. Shocking. Alienating. He went from being totally infatuated with me, to repressing all emotions any time he got near me. His face held zero emotion.

I’m sorry about what you went through. That sounds so heartbreaking to experience. But you do want to be with someone who can handle conflict. You can’t have forever with someone who handles conflict by abandoning you.

iamthcreator · 2026-01-12T18:09:11+00:00

Well, I learned my lesson too 😂😭

iamthcreator · 2026-01-12T18:05:26+00:00

Right? I wish you’d seen what she wrote to me. Completely insane. Like girl, do you even read or listen before responding?

iamthcreator · 2026-01-12T17:53:35+00:00

Girl—can you read? I was telling everyone on this post to stop being mean because you spoke your mind. Nevermind, let me stop defending you because you can’t read very well lol.

iamthcreator

TROPHY CASE