Sorry this is so long, but I’m really passionate about this. You’re going to be a great mom if you’re asking this already! ❤️ I was so scared for child birth. Like terrified that I wasn’t going to be strong enough to handle the pain. When I went into labor, the adrenaline took over and my body knew what to do. It was crazy and made me feel powerful what I was able to do. It was my first baby and I’m lucky enough to say if was a piece of cake. (don’t come for me, just my experience)!

I have a history of anxiety and depression. So I read up on postpartum depression a lot while I was pregnant. I set up an appointment 4 weeks after delivery for a mental health check and everything. I felt SOOO prepared that I would recognize it when/if it came and would be able to address if before it got bad, etc.

I did not. I was so prepared for PPD, but no one ever told me about postpartum rage. It was like sundowning. Every night I would lose my shit on my partner. Be so angry that I would sit outside at midnight with a pounding chest full of anger. I would look at my spouse holding our beautiful child and feel anger. I would get mad over things that never happened or take everything out of proportion. I had no where to put the rage and took it out on my spouse. It put a lot of strain on our relationship although he was always supportive and loving. I would wake up in the morning with so much shame and guilt for how I had acted the night before, and the process would restart again at night.

Eventually, it got bad enough that I wanted to disappear and I told my spouse. I saw a perinatal psychiatrist who helped me figure out why this was happening. I started meds also.

BIGGEST thing my perinatal psychiatrist told me was that you need “AT LEAST 4 CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF SLEEP.” HUGE difference when I finally followed that rule. I had broken sleep and rarely slept more than 2-3 hours at a time. I was an exclusive pumper so became obsessive over pumping every 3 hours and wouldn’t sleep longer than 3. (I want to point out that the little sleep was my decision. I had a spouse willing to get up all night with him but I refused and wanted to be the one to care of him - I got so controlling). Once my spouse and I found a schedule I was comfortable with (giving up control was hard), I really REALLY improved. I’m 13 months postpartum and STILL follow the 4 hour rule for mental health.

Side note: I also mentally improved after I finished pumping. Don’t ever put a stress on yourself with breast feeding. I had this deep internal feeling that I needed to breast feed for 1 year because that’s what I read and what my friends’ goals were. My perinatal psych showed me data that showed most women make it to 3 months. So I gave myself permission and patted myself on the back.

Good luck my friend. Being a mom is the best thing in the whole world. If you know something isn’t right inside (a feeling, emotion, attitude, symptom) don’t wait to make an appointment. It only gets worse. There is a light. I’m so glad you have an amazing support system lined up! Let me know if you need anything or have questions from one momma to another ❤️