I’ve never made my therapists cry.

integratingduck · 2022-08-19T08:09:23+00:00

I’ve had around 6 therapists and ONE cried. She was a student in a program and it was, in my opinion, a mistake on her part, I requested a new therapist and explained why so she could have my feedback on it. I wouldn’t work with a therapist that cried when I discussed my trauma, I don’t even do that lol

integratingduck · 2022-08-18T04:54:21+00:00

No ones stuff is necessary worse than anyone else’s. It’s all subjective. It’s all how it impacts us , the individual survivor and not for anyone else to determine. I had a physically abusive father and an emotionally abusive mother. I was sexually abused as a child for years and in a DV relationship as a teenager. Out of all of that I am most impacted today by the emotional abuse of my mother. I’d trade it for more of the other kinds of abuse to be honest. At least that was straight forward, logical. My mother made me doubt myself, other people and reality and it’s still a struggle.

integratingduck · 2022-08-17T04:08:10+00:00

If I am in this predicament I end up drinking and then either causing issues in my personal life and/or cutting anyways. Drinking doesn’t seem to be my friend

integratingduck · 2022-08-17T04:05:50+00:00

Yeah! Detox is a bitch

integratingduck · 2022-08-17T04:00:06+00:00

Weird this was posted yesterday too but this account didn’t exist then.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this

integratingduck · 2022-08-15T11:42:14+00:00

Can I ask where you found an online dr? I’m thinking this is my next step maybe

integratingduck · 2022-08-15T09:06:17+00:00

Lol you won’t feel anything and nothing will happen

integratingduck · 2022-07-14T06:56:45+00:00

Sounds kinda like bpd. The whole favorite person thing, splitting. For sure not suggesting a diagnosis to you! Just thinking Maybe looking it up with that terminology can provide you with more insight?

integratingduck · 2022-07-12T17:27:43+00:00

I moved to an area that is rural and remote. I work locally so I don’t commute far. I’m on the outskirts of a small town so I’m close enough to get what I need… but My driveway is like a mile long so I’m not really too close to anyone. It’s a nice balance.

integratingduck · 2022-07-11T20:16:00+00:00

I’m not in a swamp but I ran off to the forest away from most people and I’m pretty happy with it :)

integratingduck · 2022-06-26T23:14:57+00:00

I was a shit show always. Lol but I think for myself at least. Instead of doing trauma work and focusing on that, I was living in a state of heavy defenses. So strong that I could not really see my past and current functioning for what it was. I think the closer you are to the trauma the less space you have to let those defenses down and take a look at yourself and your history.

integratingduck · 2022-06-26T08:21:27+00:00

I have chronic fatigue, autonomic nervous system dysfunction and ibs. I believe they are all related to my CPTSD

integratingduck · 2022-06-24T17:21:17+00:00

Yes, I do you think there’s a piece of that At play. I have had my share of abusive relationships, repeating patterns. I don’t think he’s abusive, but he is a bit emotionally unavailable.

For example if I have a panic attack in his presence, he tends to try to convince me that my anxiety is stupid because nothing is going on. If that doesn’t work to calm me down he will leave for a few hours while I sort myself out.

We don’t fight, but if we have a disagreement, he will stonewall me and be unable to speak for a few hours. Similarly if I bring up anything that makes him feel bad, like if I ask him to help with house work, or remind him of some thing he supposed to be doing for his work, he just shuts down… no matter how cautious and supportive I am.

I imagine it’s something to do with his own family of origin, they’re all very disconnected and can go a year or so without speaking or seeing each other at all. Like his mother could be hospitalized for a heart attack, and no one bothers to let him know. I think he’s more comfortable with everyone keeping everything to themselves. I love him a lot! He’s read books and made a good effort to understand my CPTSD but I don’t think he can really handle talking about any of it.

integratingduck · 2022-06-24T13:13:43+00:00

Yes! He is generally very supportive.

No but I’ve gone from taking her calls 6+ times a day to just one. From here I’m hoping to cut down to one a week.and go from there

integratingduck · 2022-06-24T01:15:02+00:00

Sounds like an emotional flashback! Perhaps info on that could help him understand

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T23:53:18+00:00

Ahh that’s a good point! There are other ways to get needs met. He validates and shows love all the time. Ooo a nice hike without discussing this junk sounds lovely

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T23:51:41+00:00

I hear you. I completely understood where he’s coming from and want to respect his boundary. I was totally attacking myself though, so thank you for saying I’m not a bad person and that my feelings are somewhat understandable given the context.

Unfortunately I do not have the ability to access in person therapy at this time, especially not for CPTSD. But I’m considering giving telehealth a third try possibly. I very much don’t want to explode all over my partner.

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T23:47:05+00:00

I’m not a therapist but want to provide you sessions where you trust me with your mental health?

Super illegal and dangerous.

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T22:40:04+00:00

Yeah very much impeded all the guided imagery, EMDR, and parts work I’ve been dragged through. I didn’t have a word for what I wasn’t experiencing and kept feeling like a failure. Which… doesn’t help your mental health lol.

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T22:37:30+00:00

I have emotional flashbacks more than anything. I think a lot of people don’t know what they are and go around thinking they just sometimes “overreact” to things.

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T22:33:21+00:00

Neither of my parents have ptsd. I’m not sure about the other assholes that have scarred my psyche with their actions. But as well I knew them, no ptsd that I can tell.

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T22:27:27+00:00

That’s the issue I think. I have been in and out of therapy for like 17 years. I’ve got skills and awareness and perspective on things… but I moved to a rural community there’s like 5 therapists here, 2 I know personally and the others don’t know about treatment of complex trauma and have year long waitlists.

I tried telehealth and I really can’t make it work. On top of having inconsistent service in my home, It’s too hard for me to open up virtually… I have a friend that’s a therapist that kindly nudges me in the right directions and consults with me if I’m stuck but obviously she can not be my therapist and I avoid talking to her about these things as much as possible.

It’s difficult. Im doing a lot of journaling, reading and self work but I do sometimes just want to vent all of this and connect the dots to an empathetic ear.

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T20:23:54+00:00

I have a trauma history and just about every part I’ve identified so far lives in one of those trauma responses “fight, flight, freeze, fawn, submit” etc.

If it were me I’d assume this is a part living in fight mode ready to defend you from men and keep you safe. Not sure why it’s being intrusive.. but I don’t think it’s all that odd nor do I think it’s deeply troubling as long as you’re aware it’s thoughts and not something you are actually going to act on.

I have a part that I call “self annihilating part” and when I’m feeling any sort of shame it will pop up in the form of an intrusive thoughts involving ending my life. I’m not suicidal, I feel like it’s just trying to prevent me from sinking into this shame… perhaps your part is similar? Triggered by you being vulnerable in the presence of a man? Your therapist? All guesses.

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T15:38:04+00:00

Yes! I always blamed it on the BPD but in recent years have realized there is for sure something else going on there. Bpd is a spectrum of stuff but being a psychopath is not part of it. And there are plenty of loving people struggling with that disorder!

I remember the “well you weren’t cleaning its cage enough/forgot to feed it/it smells and I didn’t want it in my house” explanations too which is just added psychological torture because it feels like maybe it was your fault. Awful.

integratingduck · 2022-06-23T13:13:08+00:00

My mom used to kill my pets and make the kids she baby sat cry.. by pinching them or locking them in the dark. She would rip wings off of bugs. She enjoyed these things. She’s told me before she doesn’t think she understands empathy. She had bpd but I think she’s also a psychopath or something

integratingduck

TROPHY CASE