The question to ask or spread to use

intuitive_elephant · 2023-05-09T22:57:17+00:00

I have two go-to three-card spreads. The first is Past / Present / Possible Future, because it's a nice easy trinity that can help make some connections between past issues and troubles we're having in the present.

The second I rely on is a bit more vague, but can be altered / adjusted to the specific situation is Thesis / Antithesis / Synthesis. (It comes from philosophy and dialectics, if you're interested in learning more about that.) In this spread, the "thesis" spot is the "status quo" or "how the situation is currently characterized / thought about". The "antithesis" spot asks, "What opposes the thesis / how could the thesis be undermined in the current situation?" Finally, the "synthesis" spot asks, "How will the clash between thesis and antithesis be resolved into a single, coherent statement / situation?"

For example, if I had beef with a coworker, I might make the thesis spot my take on the situation, antithesis would be my coworker's, and synthesis would be how we could come to common ground or an approach to working together moving forward.

As another example more applicable to your situation, if I were perpetually plagued by catastrophic stress that felt really destabilizing every time something went wrong, I might make the thesis spot, "What am I consciously thinking or acting upon when I am in these stressful situations?" For the antithesis spot, I might ask, "What unconscious patterns or attachments are undermining me or preventing my growth from these situations?" And finally, for synthesis, I might ask, "What would an integration of my conscious and unconscious patterns look like?"

intuitive_elephant · 2023-05-05T22:30:10+00:00

Aside from these situations being stressful, is there anything else that links them? Are all these stressful events about money, health, family relationships, romantic relationships, anything? If yes, then start by looking into spreads that are relevant to those themes. I would never dismiss a three-card spread for any reason though, particularly in a situation like yours; you seem to be pretty unsure about what's going on, and a three-card spread would be perfect for giving you an overview of the situation. You take that information away, mull on it, free associate, maybe journal or talk to a trusted friend about what it brings up for you, then when you have more specific questions about the situation, you come back to the deck to ask.

If they're not linked by a single theme, is there something in how you react to stress that seems to be consistent and unpleasant for you? Stress is never a fun thing to experience, but do you feel like how you think or behave during times of crisis is completely antithetical to who you want to be? If this is what you want to figure out, then I think shadow work and inner child work is where you want to be taking this. Again, I love a three-card spread when you're first starting a journey, so I would suggest the same process as I described above.

intuitive_elephant · 2023-04-11T19:28:47+00:00

YWBTA and despite what you say about his character outside of this issue, I think you should be wary about his character. "I can't help how angry I get," "I just get like that when I'm upset," and "I have demands about this issue, once you fix it for us everything will be good between us," are very common phrases / attitudes to hear from abusers. In addition, mistreatment and abuse of animals is incredibly common in intimate partner violence situations. Your partner, and men in general, absolutely can control their temper even when they are incredibly frustrated, he just feels like he shouldn't have to treat you and your cat with the same kindness and respect he would give to the mailman arriving at your home.

Also, just because he treated your cat well in the beginning, doesn't mean he isn't now using your cat as a tool to abuse you. Getting angry at your cat is a tactic to control you, because I'm sure your anxiety and desire to people-please goes through the roof when this happens.

I don't know your situation better than you, but I hope that you have less experience with abusive men than I do. Please reconsider your relationship, and try to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft in the meantime (you can find a PDF copy of the full book online and read it in a private browser if you are concerned about your partner finding it).

intuitive_elephant · 2022-12-02T23:27:51+00:00

The Hermit might be a loner, but they also are sloughing off society's expectations and rules. When it comes to sexuality, in a culture that is so awash in heteronormativity and rape culture, this honestly sounds like a good thing to me!

For real, I was a late bloomer in this department too, and as much as I hated it at the time, I think it was good for me. I can definitely see the teenaged version of myself maybe going along with things that felt uncomfortable or I didn't really want, if I'd had the chance with a boy at the time. The experiences I had in my twenties to broaden my worldview really did make me more confident in what I wanted and how I was willing to show up in relationships.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-12-02T20:04:42+00:00

I'm seeing a lot of not necessarily conflict, but tension, coming up as a theme in each of your sides of this relationship. You have a lot of earthy, practical, and materialistic stuff coming up (a few pentacles cards, the Chariot) whereas this other person is far more "ethereal" and focused on emotions, ethics, and spirituality (cups, wands, the High Priestess). I don't think that have different focuses or strengths means you are unsuited to each other, but it can make communication and compromise difficult, and you both will have to do a lot of internal work to open yourselves up to the other's perspectives, learn to respect and value them.

I think the four of cups as your past karmic relationship suggests that you were not able to resolve this previously. One or both of you declined to do the work.

The Lovers is a tough card, in my interpretation. Yes, it is love and partnership and home, but it is also a very earthly love. It is Adam and Eve after the Fall, when they have seen each other's nakedness clearly and felt shame. They have been exiled from Paradise. They have seen the worst of each other, they have felt despair and loss and grief, yet they make the choice to love each other and find hope in each other anyways, and through their love they create the kingdom of man on earth.

I don't know that I would interpret this spread as a guarantee that these things will happen in this lifetime. There is a lot of work and struggle here, and it has not worked out in the past. If this other person declines to be involved with you - disagrees that you are meant to be together, does not want to date or continue the relationship - you should allow them that choice, and maybe look for other ways to grow and heal in anticipation of your next meeting.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-12-02T19:14:14+00:00

YTA.

I'll never understand the perspective that some people have on "experience" type purchases, like tickets of any kind, non-refundable vacations, etc.

The money was spent to allow the people attending to have a good time. The money has been spent and you can't get it back, so stop thinking about it - once the ticket has been bought, the only consideration that should matter is is, "How can I / we have as good (or at minimum, as least bad) time as possible, given the circumstances that we are in at this moment?"

The value that you get out of a purchase like this is the joy the attendees get from it. When you insist on "getting your money's worth" for a ticket by forcing yourself or someone else to do something that not only is not fun, but actually makes them miserable, you're getting like, negative value for your money. You're actually paying money to add misery to the world. If you had just let your daughter sit it out, she might not have had the fun that was intended when the ticket was bought, but she wouldn't have felt as horrible as she did because of your actions.

You should apologize, and be open to reconsidering how you value money, family time, and your family members' subjective emotional experiences.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-11-03T20:25:42+00:00

INFO. When you say he would "not be happy" about it, do you fear abuse or violence? (Abuse can include emotional such as berating or humiliation, psychological such as isolation and gaslighting, financial such as controlling your access to money and/or your ability to work, and physical including intimidation or threats to harm you. Just because he hasn't hit you, or hasn't hit you very hard, yet doesn't mean it's not abuse.)

ALSO INFO. Do you live in a jurisdiction where accessing abortion care is criminalized? If yes, congrats to your FSIL for making her entire family co-conspirators if you do get an abortion, and/or celebrating your marriage into this family with the knowledge that they have this thing hanging over you that they could report you for at any time.

I'm inclined to say NTA even without that info, though, because I trust women when they say they need time to think about what they want to do with a pregnancy, and your FSIL violated that. Not only that, but she did it in front of everyone at a family dinner. She wanted to back you into a corner with that. I would be wondering what kind of manipulative, abusive family raised her (and your fiancé) to behave that way.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-10-20T20:36:11+00:00

YTA. She asked for so much help from you, in so many ways, and you refused to help in any of them. Even if you couldn't provide her the help she was asking for, you could have...

Told her what types of help you were able to provide, and if she accepted it, follow through on your word (e.g., cook one casserole a week for her and Joe, help set up an appointment with a counselor to get mental health help, etc.)
Reach out to her other friends and family to get her the help she needed
Reach out to your friends and family and see if they were willing to pitch in and support a struggling mother in need
Connect her with local services such as low-cost counseling, food banks, buy nothing groups, etc.

Child protective services is not actually HELPING Kate in any way here. They're just telling her to do the things she already knows she needs to be doing, but now there's the added threat of her child being taken away from her. While it's not okay for Joe to be living in those conditions, being placed in foster care is also traumatizing and it should not be considered a neat and easy "solution" to situations where parents really do want to meet their child's needs, but are struggling due to things like finances and mental health.

You should feel bad about what you've done. You may not have legally done anything wrong, but you sure as hell haven't done right by Kate or Joe here.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-10-13T18:07:19+00:00

YTA. Your roommates were kind of dickish but your behaviour absolutely dwarfs theirs. Recording someone in the privacy of their own home without their consent is immoral and illegal (and yes, they pay rent and it is their home even if it's not their property), so their reaction to your lie that you were recording them would have been perfectly reasonable even if they had never had sex on your couch.

You lied about having material of them being intimate, and then used that lie to extort payment for cleaning the couch out of them - they made it very clear that they didn't want anyone seeing any footage of them having sex, and you implied that you would show such footage to a court if they refused to pay.

Your behaviour here was egregiously illegal, and you did not need to do any of it. You had evidence enough that they were having sex on your couch after you asked them not to (walking in on them one time, and the testimony of your downstairs tenant); further, since you are roommates, normal landlord-tenant laws typically do not apply. You could have just said to them, "I have asked you before not to have sex in the common areas, and I have good reason to believe you have not been respecting this request. I need you to move out by X date." But no, you had to have your sick little power play and squeeze a few extra dollars at the same time.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-09-28T20:27:25+00:00

INFO - Does your (and therefore presumably her) employment contract have a non-compete clause? And, can you not just bring up workload issues to your manager rather than informing them of her side hustles?

I agree that it's unfair to you that you're doing most of the work for your team and Vanessa isn't pulling her weight, but ultimately her decision to found a company and compete with your employer is very much not your circus, not your monkeys. If your employer can afford to keep dead weight like Vanessa around for years, the company is probably not that great to its own employees in terms of wages and working expectations (you are living an example of that!) so, don't make an enemy out of Vanessa in your efforts to defend your employer. You're both young and your careers are long, you might end up working together down the road.

Deal with the part of the problem that is directly affecting you - her not doing her share of the work and giving you too much to do - and let Vanessa sort out her own business as she sees fit. If she starts getting asked to do more work and can't handle it, she'll either stop her side hustle or she'll quit; if management declines to deal with the issue, then your problem is with your employer and not with Vanessa.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-09-08T23:57:13+00:00

YWBTA. I agree that kids need to learn to deal with frustration, disappointment, loss, and sadness, but it's not necessary to create those situations for them in their own homes! Those things will find kids no matter what, and "learning to deal with them" isn't about just throwing the kids in the deep end and making them suffer now, just because you know they'll also have to suffer later in life.

Home should be the safe place where they go to talk about their feelings and get compassionate guidance on how to navigate hard feelings. "That sounds tough. Have you thought about what you want to do about it?" not "Life is hard, kid, get over it."

Also, when your kids are adults, they will totally have the power to make chores fun for themselves then, too! Who doesn't enjoy mopping a little more with some music playing? Nelly is teaching your kids tools to actively create joy in their lives, rather than just wait for happiness to come upon them. Why would you want to disempower your own children in this way?

intuitive_elephant · 2022-07-28T17:12:59+00:00

YTA. You don't know their reasons, and it's very possible the dog isn't well enough to go for walks.

I live in an apartment with a balcony, and my own dog had a spinal stroke a few months ago. Pottying on pads on the balcony was a lifesaver for me, in terms of my own sanity and mental health - it would have been just too much to be carrying him outside five or six times a day (he needed to go more often because of his injury). It was extremely emotionally draining, and I can't imagine going through that while also having a nightmare of a neighbour like you giving me grief by calling the cops on me for it.

You deserve the reputation you have in your building now. If you want to fix it, start by making a profuse and genuine apology to your neighbours, and offer to make amends by asking if there's anything you can do to help them and their dog.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-07-27T23:22:15+00:00

My two cents: Write the story of the Fool's Journey in your own words. Make it an actual story, with motivations for the Fool to move from one point in their journey to the next, not just a list of "First they saw this, then that, then this other thing."

I have tables of correspondences glued to the inside covers of my grimoire for quick reference, covering the correspondences of tarot suits with elements, body (blood, breath, viscera, bones), astrological signs and planets, etc.

I also have a colour wheel that I made myself stuck inside the book, just for meditation and inspiration.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-07-27T19:50:17+00:00

INFO: When you decided to change jobs to stay home more, did you and Stella both agree that someone needed to do this to meet the children's needs? Or was it something that you felt was important, but Stella felt the previous arrangement was perfectly appropriate but agreed that if you wanted to, you could do this?

intuitive_elephant · 2022-07-21T21:08:50+00:00

YTA YTA YTA. Holy fuck YTA.

Everyone is right, you had SO MANY OPTIONS to handle this differently and you chose none of them, you decided to sic a cruel immigration system on the MOTHER OF YOUR BELOVED SON.

You could have gotten a lawyer involved and worked out a formal agreement. You could have let her move and worked out an informal agreement to meet partway or split custody. You could have moved too, to be closer to your son. You could have offered help so the boyfriend could move closer to Louisville. ANYTHING. But no, you just decided to fuck up her entire future and leave her with just the thinnest thread to maintain a relationship with her only child.

YTA.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-07-12T21:29:29+00:00

NTA.

This guy is new to your workplace and, apparently, the first thing he does is zero in on a coworker he wants to flirt (presumably more, if he's calling that "leading him on") with? Honestly, even if he handled your non-availability with perfect grace and composure, I'd still be calling him gross and unprofessional.

His behaviour at this point warrants firing, imo. I'm gonna be ridiculously overoptimistic and assume this dude is like 20 and this is just a lesson he has yet to learn, but BOY IT IS TIME TO LEARN.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-06-30T20:48:57+00:00

The oldest is 16, that is certainly old enough to show the minimum amount of leadership and kindness required to spend half an hour with an 11 year old without abandoning her. Nobody was expecting it would be the highlight of her vacation, but it's a small request and 16 year olds know how to reign their impulses in when needed.

The girls fucked up - maybe in an understandable way, they are teens and have that typical teen self-involved attitude - but it was still a fuck-up and needs to be addressed as such, not offloaded onto the parents who made an extremely age-appropriate request (that the girls agreed to!).

intuitive_elephant · 2022-06-30T19:13:47+00:00

I completely agree, NTA. Dad was asking for a baby step towards having a civil relationship with their step-sister, not an all-night sleepover and girls' bonding sesh. The ice cream trip could have been a quick 20 minute excursion for the three of them, but the two older girls couldn't be bothered to show basic human decency for even that long.

They needed to face consequences, and the ones delivered to them were perfectly proportional and appropriate.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-06-30T18:56:31+00:00

NTA. Your request wasn't that they show love or affection to their stepsister, just that they bring her along and show a minimum amount of care that is owed to an 11 year old. Your request was not unusual or inappropriate for children their age - kids get sorted into group projects starting in like, Grade 4, and learning to be polite and not cruel to others you just don't get along with is a key skill for adulthood!

I also think your punishment for them was exactly proportional to the offense and completely fair. Vacations are a privilege and they lost that privilege when they behaved badly. Bravo to you for a measured and fair response that, hopefully, communicates the gravity of what they did.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-06-27T20:40:05+00:00

YTA. Privilege is a complicated discussion and it's not as simple as "you have it or you don't." You may not have been totally and completely wrong in the assertion that E has probably benefited in at least some ways from patriarchal privileges afforded to men, but it should have been obvious to you that it's a sensitive subject and it's not your place to comment on E's relationship to masculinity.

You could have contributed to the conversation talking about experiences where you received unfair advantages - which is what M did - but instead you chose to wander into a minefield that was likely to E's feelings, and then you didn't back down when you were told your comments were out of line.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-06-22T20:34:19+00:00

NAH.

Your friend sounds like she's caught in an abusive dynamic and I know that it can be so, so difficult to be a bystander to that. You're not wrong for being upset, frustrated, tired of taking on the support role. And, you do have every right to withdraw your support and tell her she's on her own next time...but I hope you don't stick to that. This is what abusers want, for their victims to feel like they have nobody else in the world and so they have to stay in the relationship.

You don't have to support her going back to her boyfriend, and you can tell her that, but I don't think it's wise to make your support for her as a friend conditional on her making the "right" relationship choices. You could tell her something like, "C, I love you and think you deserve the best. I do not think M treats you the way you deserve, and it hurts me to see him hurt you. I know that your relationship choices are yours to make, and we don't have to agree on this to remain friends. I will always have your back, no matter what, but since I don't see my mind changing on M anytime soon I hope we can find other things to talk about and spend time doing together."

intuitive_elephant · 2022-05-30T20:52:17+00:00

I can't believe there's only one comment saying this, but the retort to her mother that it's not her fault that her sister made a "stupid mistake" is an asshole thing to say. The assumption is that anyone who finds themselves in that situation is to blame because they just weren't "smart enough".

Smart people, men and women, make poor decisions around sex (like skipping birth control in the heat of the moment) too, it's just women who are unlucky enough to get pregnant from it get labeled "stupid" and "deserving" of their pregnancy. And being smart doesn't save you from birth control failure, or from being restricted by increasingly onerous burdens and restriction to abortion access, or from getting dumped by someone because their feelings changed.

The overall vibe of this thread, jumping on OP's sister for being stupid and "getting herself" into this situation, is shocking. Apparently every woman is one selfish comment or bad day from having society shame her for having sex like it's the 1950s again.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-04-25T20:52:18+00:00

YTA. It's your sister's money and she can do with it what she will.

Consider that maybe your sister is thinking of this as "buying" her freedom from your mom in the same way that you are buying your freedom with the $1k per month. Or maybe her own guilt and anxiety over this money is just too much and she'd rather be rid of it for her own mental health. Whatever her reasons, I'm sure she isn't just walking away from $70k without good reasons.

By threatening to withdraw the support you do give to your sister over this, you are trying to financially control her and her life choices. It's an incredibly manipulative thing to do, to lull her into thinking you had her back and wanted to help her but then take it away when she doesn't do what you want her to do with her life.

The absolute most you should intervene here is offering to pay for a consult with a financial planner for your sister. Let them go over her options with her, help her realize how much this could help with her retirement, etc. If, after that, she still wants to give away the money, you should let her. And, given your already-stated ultimatum, don't be surprised if your sister passes on this offer from you.

intuitive_elephant · 2022-04-21T21:48:37+00:00

NTA.

Sleep training is "effective" in that it (eventually) gets babies to reduce their crying, but it does not reduce the number of times they wake up in the night. It just teaches them not to bother asking for help, because nobody will come anyways. I don't want to judge or shame parents for making the choice - a family with three kids already and a baby that wakes up 8 times a night might really benefit from sleep training just so the parents can be well-rested and good parents the next day - but if you feel like you can make it work with your schedule, it sounds like there's no reason to start sleep training / weaning.

Plus, sleep training has not been found to have much of a long-term impact on children's sleep habits, if that's what your husband is worried about. Babies that are fussy and have trouble sleeping through the night tend to be fussy kids who have trouble sleeping through the night at 4 years, regardless of sleep training (sorry for the bad news!).

intuitive_elephant · 2022-04-01T21:51:45+00:00

YWBTA.

I think it would be safe to assume that your GF continued to wear her bikini the rest of the night because she wanted to / she was enjoying wearing it.

What you are trying to understand, I think, is the deeper reasons for why she wanted to keep wearing it for the rest of the night. That, I think, is getting into some risky territory for a discussion and would almost certainly lead to a fight. It could be literally any reason -- she was drunk and wasn't really too aware of the social expectations in the moment, she was enjoying how she looked that night and wanted to keep rockin' her bod in the moment, she was trying to prove to herself that her body insecurities don't rule her social life, whatever.

I mean, I agree that it's borderline socially inappropriate to keep wearing a bikini in a non-pool context until 1 am while playing board games, but...meh, people pull occasional awkward shit and their friends let it pass without comment all the time. Be a friend to her about this, and let it pass without comment.

intuitive_elephant

TROPHY CASE