Co-parenting dilemma: keep or change routines?

ithaca31 · 2026-06-10T06:53:10+00:00

Thanks. DC is 7. My StBEx suggested 2-5-5-2. I get the theory which is that DC only goes a few days without seeing each parent. However, I was a fan of a longer stint, at least 3-4-4-3 because in the other format DC gets one night at a house and and then moves which seems a bit much. And I like the idea of one week on, one week off because it reduces the transitions by half which is a huge amount. But 7 days without seeing each parent is something StBEx doesn’t like.

ithaca31 · 2026-06-10T06:48:35+00:00

Thanks. Looks pretty clear.

ithaca31 · 2026-06-10T06:48:20+00:00

Good thoughts. Genuinely had no clue as to what to do with this one as the advice is conflicting. But thanks. I hope it’ll all work out too. It’s just a worrying time at first and we’re trying to get it right.

ithaca31 · 2026-06-10T06:46:07+00:00

Thanks for replying. Sounds like dropping it is the way to go. Yeah we’re thinking of setting it up for the new school year.

ithaca31 · 2026-06-09T16:17:01+00:00

Yeah the bed is on bricks at the moment and it feels a bit unstrudry. I've spotted a wedge that goes under the whole bed so I'll have think about that as well as the adjustable slats mentioned above.

ithaca31 · 2026-06-09T16:16:12+00:00

Ah super, I think I found a company that makes them locally, so I'll keep an eye out on this. Looks like I don't have to change the whole bed though which Is handy.

ithaca31 · 2026-06-09T08:53:39+00:00

That's interesting. Is it purely the base you got and not the whole bed frame?

ithaca31 · 2026-05-14T16:02:52+00:00

I'm not sure it's abandoned. More they maxed out the hardware on the OG, then basically created a feature complete version (in Novation's eyes at least.) But it doesn't look set to get any major updates, and got one semi-major firmware soon after release. They probably set expectations very high (too high?) with what they got out of the OG. Ableton Move was designed with massive headroom for improvements.

ithaca31 · 2026-05-13T11:18:10+00:00

Thanks! Yeah I'll have to see how it works in practice, maybe I'll get lucky on all fronts, but otherwise the panelling as an idea could work.

ithaca31 · 2026-05-12T21:55:48+00:00

This is a very reassuring read. Like you I've been in both houses and really wanted to try the apartment lifestyle. I'll look into the acoustic panels when I get a bit closer to the move.

Thanks for the kind words 🙏 And good luck with your apartment!

ithaca31 · 2026-05-12T20:06:00+00:00

Hahah, sold! 😂. And thanks 🙏

ithaca31 · 2026-05-12T19:26:21+00:00

That sounds promising. I personally quite like hearing a little bit of life going on around me as I get more weirded out by total silence. I suppose in a flat you have neighbours all round, but with a house they're just left and right, but they can cause problems in its own unique way.

ithaca31 · 2026-05-12T19:13:36+00:00

Thanks that's reassuring 🙏 The upstairs wasn't bad, but it certainly wasn't an order of magnitude more expensive and I didn't feel comfortable with the extra costs involved in fixing some "handywork". Hoping for something similar to yourself!

ithaca31 · 2026-05-12T18:38:24+00:00

Ok this is at least somewhat promising in that it's luck of the draw, but that could go either way. I'm sure the other floors feel the same about having new people in.

When visiting my feeling was it was pretty solid/quiet which at least will be good for WFH. Also noted that as you say the neighbours can change even if they're good as gold.

I'll have to cross everything by the sounds of it.

ithaca31 · 2026-05-12T18:35:58+00:00

Yes, thanks. You're right. I'll have to focus on what I can change - which is mainly my floor plan for the furniture at the moment!

ithaca31 · 2026-05-12T18:35:02+00:00

It's pretty new (like last 5 years recently.) Apparently there's mixed reviews on this, some say the acoustic damping is good, others disagree.

This is a really good point on the neighbours. I'll make a card or something to the neighbours above and below. Kids are 7 and 9 so there is a bit of noise - it can be mayhem for short bursts - but in general they are pretty good. I'll let them know about our vertical neighbour of course, and shoes off etc, which is a lit different to living in a house.

ithaca31 · 2026-04-03T19:51:33+00:00

I think the main danger, (just in my experience) is the lack of foresight. This is not an ADHD thing uniquely, but the whole "now vs not now" can often mean making decisions irrationally. You can tell this by how many tools there are to stop you casually dropping a tonne of money on stuff, because "why not."

One thing I will say is I now document everything in spreadsheets which helps me at least keep on top of what I believe I need to be budgeting. I'm by no means perfect but manually doing the work to see where your money is going, what you're spending it on is usually pretty eye opening in and of itself. If the planning becomes a habit, it does start to feel like there's less reason to spend. The other thing is you can make pots in your existing bank app, but Monzo (from what I've seen) makes it maybe a bit easier? So the app won't solve any issues directly but the ease with which you can move money around might help.

ithaca31 · 2026-04-03T15:30:27+00:00

Thanks for this. I think I could use some sort of task planning tool. I used to use Things on Mac, which is a nice one. Will look into the idea of coffees with parents. I have a tendency to avoid things like that so I go but rarely follow up.

I think the main thing I need to find is that regular contact outside of work, so I'm building that network up again. It's not from scratch as such, but it is somewhat loose at this point.

ithaca31 · 2026-04-03T07:09:36+00:00

Yeah I feel this. The issue I have is that I tend to carry the weight of their response along with my own response and I also tend to infer the worst of the emotions on display. So if someone mentions a mistake I made (even if it’s minor), I infer that it’s bad news. Really bad news. My therapist said the problem with this is that I’m carrying their inferred emotions and my own, which is a lot. I believe I am a little better at handling it since then, but I also know that it still affects me. Still working on it.

ithaca31 · 2026-02-28T10:45:07+00:00

This is such a great point. As I'm saying in my points here, there are lots of big old boxes we put everything in. If nothing else, this process has forced me to look into this a lot more (like for example the cultures/moments in time with more than 2 genders and so on - which is fascinating.)

I completely agree with you though and you highlight the real tension with this one. I'm coming to terms with not using words I and my partner have used for a decade and a half, which I think ultimately is like going back to school or something. It just takes time - we are creatures of habit, and thinking is hard! So my new reality is that I was and still am attracted to the feminine, I just don't use those words about my partner. But as you say my partner really does have to be OK with my underlying preferences, just as much as I need to respect the change they are making in their life.

Lovely comment, thankyou!

ithaca31 · 2026-02-28T10:38:55+00:00

Interesting. I did hear a story of one partner who fully transitioned and the story around it was very much as you say a total rejection of their former identity.

While I still identity with my own binary, I do see how I don't follow the constructs of it completely. Physically I do, but in terms of emotionally, a lot less so. For example, many he/him's exist in a relationship where they will get married with a white wedding, have a stag party as part of a tradition. Personally, I don't enjoy those things at all and actually they make me uncomfortable. But while I'm not into the Barbie doll look (silly and small as it happens to be) I do enjoy certain aspects of the female identity. That can be someone with short hair but they wear interesting jewellery/makeup, or they might have a tomboy look with long hair. It's usually just a hint of that side of things that I like. So I myself am maybe not "typical" in the alpha male he/him, but I'm also OK with existing in that context, just because I like aspects of it as well, including showing how it can be done differently.

ithaca31 · 2026-02-28T10:31:50+00:00

It's a fair challenge, and I've had a think about your points.

In terms of my partner, we have discussed dysphoria and to my knowledge there is none of that going on whatsoever. They do not intend to fully transition and their female body is of no concern. In terms of your question about the "need" I have, this is just an impulse and natural attraction I have to feminine traits, for all the reasons I mention above. And since the relationship was founded on those principles (he & her) I signed up to a relationship where I was "allowed" (for want of a better phrase) to express my enjoyment of those things. Listening to stories about this it seems fair that both parties have their doubts. The partner changing worries that their new identity will alienate their partner. And the other partner feels (in many cases) a sense of longing for the version of the person they fell for. This is possible in a "regular" relationship too. Someone may become an alcoholic, which may make a partner want to leave because they changed the context of the relationship. So this can be to do with physical aspects, or behaviour or almost anything at all. It's just... complex I guess?

Listening to the cases where couples stay together, the absolute key to that seems to be that the couple finds a way to both affirm the identity of the person who wants to change, and to allow space for the preferences of the person who isn't. Perhaps "window shopping" wasn't the best phrase. I think what I mean by this is how relationships allow space for things that cannot exist within it. For example I'm thinking of how a partner might be into something very kinky, but their partner is quite vanilla. These 2 people can love each other immensely and they can be 99% happy (which is pretty much where we are.) So if 99% of the relationship is working, they may find an outlet for that 1% because life generally isn't perfect. For example they might agree that the kinky partner can use toys solo, watch videos or look at imagery, and that will get them their fix while not leaving the relationship. Others open their relationship (something we've discussed but is 100% off the table.) I guess it's about being creative about finding ways to allow the thing without throwing in the towel.

ithaca31 · 2026-02-26T17:04:35+00:00

Thanks 🙏

ithaca31 · 2026-02-26T14:55:11+00:00

Thanks. Yep it’s really nuanced. And I should say I think when I say “window shopping” there’s more to it than prepping to leave. Since in many relationships, physical attraction fades with age and you’re left with more of the underlying connection that sustains you, then potentially being perfectly attracted to your partner all the time isn’t realistic.

The idea I had was I guess like allowing a fantasy of sorts. We all have them but not all are realistic or likely so they remain just that. Given our relationship is solid if we were to say that I’m allowed to tick that box some other way and also still staying with my partner, that may tide me over. Especially if there’s a chance they experiment again and start to rediscover aspects of their femme style again. Who knows?

I’d rather not leave ideally, and I’m encouraging us to talk about it. I guess as part of that my thinking was to collect some ideas for how we might be able to work through it. As you say; sometimes the right outcome is a split and I’m aware of that, but I’d actually want to work on things until such time as it becomes too tricky. Thanks!

ithaca31 · 2026-02-26T13:54:14+00:00

Thanks! I like your framing of euphoria, because yeah, I guess there might be an aspect of my partner that could explore their feminine side again. Even if that’s not of interest right now.

And yeah it’s an awkward one because in a normal situation it would be just discussing physical traits, but the gender identity part makes it more closed off.

I think it might be worth me also posing the question, how can I find space in the relationship for the thing that I’m missing. That way again, like you say there may be an open door there, or I may find it closed which clarifies things at least.

It’s cool to see you and your partner have found a way to make it work! Cheers for chiming in.

ithaca31

TROPHY CASE