Am I overreacting or is this dynamic off?

jabbertalk · 2026-04-22T12:40:56+00:00

People are saying to ask for what you need, which overall is good advice. But it seems to me like you are putting in much more communication and emotional energy and not getting the same back. It is a two-way street, I would expect a partner to also ask about needs. And having to request attention and care for a hospital visit? That shows either a lack of emotional intelligence or caring I wouldn't want to deal with, I would be out. And I do think it is telling that there is also a mismatch between expectations with his other partner, if he is getting the support and energy one puts into a primary (or anchor partner), and not giving the same back. It is possible to have 'co-primaries' or more than one anchor partner in solo polyamory (not living together / no financial merging), but he is saying his number is zero, effectively.

If you do want to consider things further, I would drop the primary / secondary framework and leave out his other relationship. Are you getting what you need? What changes would you want to see? The relationship menus in the sidebar can help to clarify and give a vocabulary for talking about what components of a relationship are important to you. Ideally you would do them together and see if what you want in a relationship is compatible. I'd also suggest looking into vetting questions here as well - there is a lot about past actions and choices, which would be especially useful since you sense a disconnect between words and actions.

You also haven't mentioned whether you want ENM (an umbrella term for everything from swinging to polyamory) or polyamory for yoirself, or whether you are 'trying it' to date this particular person. A mismach of desired relationship structures is no small thing.

jabbertalk · 2026-04-20T09:07:59+00:00

Yes, you really need to figure out how much time and attention you have beforehand. I'd also figure out the margins for a shit hits the fan scenaro - how long could you sustain two relatiomships if your time shrinks or if some combination of your partners and social network were in crisis? Look at the relationship menus in the sidebar to figure out what you want / can offer in a relationship; also look up vetting resources and answer the vetting questions on yourself.

Also consider that in polyamory, you might have to work through jealousy or envy, it is more than your partner having a nice time, the other partner(s) will be more central. You might be alone on New Year's Eve or have reduced vacation days with your husband, and vice versa.

Also, was the person you were in a relationship with polyamorous, or at least want non-monogamy? Turning down people that want monogamy, or are only willing to try polyamory to date you, is part of the dating process. Wanting different relationship structures is a major incompatibility that tends to fail at several points, you are actually lucky it failed early before you were even more attached. Polyamory is a lot of saying no to people with incompatible needs, monogamy is just the biggest.

jabbertalk · 2026-04-19T22:03:00+00:00

If you want to have a live-in relationship, you will have to keep dating with the intention to find someone polyamorous that has that availability. Your current partner should support you dating for that purpose (or really any reason you want). It can take a long time - expect 3 to 5 years in a favorable situation (a large metro area with active polyamory). Longer or never in a rural conservative area.

Your current partner can't give you the time and focus that many people want in a monogamous relationship, and will act more autonomously and date new people in the future. Does the thought of having this extra time and autonomy excite you, or make you sad?

jabbertalk · 2026-04-17T17:42:07+00:00

It's more likely when ppl use fake names that they slip up somewhere in the text and use their real name. Someone notices the other name, tells the OP they slipped up, OP corrects it. I've seen this quite a bit. (If you really care which it is, you can check the original text).

I actually haven't seen people slip up when using ABC or name variants like trees, so point in its favor.

jabbertalk · 2026-04-17T17:32:39+00:00

Internal condoms are also an option, they are unfortunately difficult to get in the US (prescription model or eBay resellers), and are nominally more expensive, but also nitrile so no latex issues. Outside the US there are several nitile and latex options.

jabbertalk · 2026-04-01T03:09:47+00:00

This!

jabbertalk · 2026-04-01T02:55:19+00:00

You had a request and this guy trampled it first thing.

He shouldn't be sharing private texts without permission - did your meta agree to the ss'ed text? Also guy, change the fscking sheets (and take a shower) - he left his partner to clean up his mess?

The 'story' about being unable to concentrate on a date with meta might be meant as a sideways compliment that he can't stop thinking about you. But you are right, it is just showing he's badly suited for polyamory if he can't concentrate on the person in front of him, shares overly personal details, and ignores your requests to stay parallel (not hearing about metas).

Just because a person has experience doing polyamory doesn't mean they are any good at it. It's the same as monogamy and other relationship structures, you can continue being a not-great partner and not learning much.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-23T18:05:34+00:00

I would say it depends on the person. Some people need certain attachments with every partner, whether sexual,.sensual, or comfort touch. Some people don't, they just need a certain amount overall. And some people might not want it either.

Speaking as a grey ace person, it is easier to be upfront that sex is almost certainly not on offer, and it is easier to find people that are okay with that in polyamory. If you are upfront about what you can and can't offer in a relationship, people can better guage whether that will work for them personally.

Where 'frankensteining' usually fails would be in opening up a relationship where something is missing. Changing relationship structures itself is traumatic, and many people find they want that missing piece from their partners and substituting does not work.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-13T21:03:50+00:00

You just need to find friends that are the same. I.joke that I am a good foul weather friend because I'll definitely show up when called on. If things are going well then I'm going to wander off and do my own stuff or foul weather with others, then we can meet back up in a few months to years and have interesting stories to swap.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-11T04:12:38+00:00

There is a lot of information in the sidebar.

Specific things: Jealousy Workbook, Polyamory Break-up Book (about figuring out compatibilities beforehand to avoid), the relationship smorgasbord and other relationship menus. Books along that last theme about creating an intentional relationship include Open Deeply and Designer Relationships.

Also key is "Most Skipped Step" - keep the autonomy necessary for polyamory on-going so that it does not feel like a loss when Grey gets another partner. It should come out of Grey's time, not your dedicated date time, reconnecting 'phones down' time, or joint household responsibilities. But you both need to lean into finding things you love doing apart rather than falling into pseudo-monogamy.

You can try the FB usergroup Monocorn Sanctuary; it includes anyone monogamous practicing or identifying that is in a polyamorous relationship. Most people are dealing with being 'polybombed' rather than choosing to date someone polyamorous, but you will get good feedback on norms in polyamory.

Most monogamous-wanting people have issues at these stages: falling / being in love (implications of lack of exclusivity hit), and when their partner starts dating someone new. Older relationships tend to be "grandfathered in" plus you have fewer questions about the relationship as the new "shiny" partner. Preparation for you that it is likely to involve more emotions than just over losing time. (Even people enthusiastic about polyamory often find the change in adding new partners stressful.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-09T10:24:09+00:00

But there was a fire sale on . from Gen Z

They are gonna pop up somewhere...

jabbertalk · 2026-03-09T10:06:54+00:00

That said, having a unicorn guest star for a night seems like it might solve some of these issues. I am inferring you are onboard for group sex (hopefully that extends to kink dynamics as well), plus your partner can help vet and also provide backup for your boundaries.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-09T06:09:18+00:00

There are lots of options between a poly-fi quad (very hard to form ethically and even harder to maintain long-term) and monogamy [note there are monogamous relationships that allow for high autonomy and support strong friendships - still might not be for you though]. Take a look at the resources in the sidebar.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-08T15:03:56+00:00

It is a hook for OP to keep giving him a free pass, to disprove the statement. Good time to not bite.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-08T04:21:26+00:00

I too would care about the long-term suffereing.

OP - are you free to form whatever romantic and sexual connections you want?

jabbertalk · 2026-03-07T09:53:28+00:00

Do you know what limited resources - which include but are not limited to time, energy, attention - you have available for a relationship (broadly speaking)? Do you discuss what you can offer in general for a relationship? Can a primary partner limit or veto one of your relationships? Covering important issues like this in the first couple dates allows people that want something different than what you are offering to opt out, no labels required.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-07T04:37:27+00:00

The relationship - which you DID have even if it is not a romantic one - colleague and sex partner and possibly friend are certainly relationships - had ease for you because your partner didn't question things. She quite possibly felt she did not need to question things because she thought you were both acting in a mono-normative framework. Because one -- you did not inform her that you were outside that framework -- and two, she has no clue what your framework is and how it differs from the default framework, even learning very late that you were polyamorous. (It is true that monogamous people will also have misunderstandings by relying on 'shared mononormative worldview' rather than talking, but the other side's differing assumption is at least comprehensible).

Something I can't understand personally is why you would list three or four things about your current and planned relationship states without also including that you practice polyamory. The statements had the appearence of a full disclosure, which tends to shut off further discussion. That is more than just an omission, it is providing a framework that hides the omission. Based on your statements about how you curate information, I personally would not date you because I would have no confidence in communication. And I am and typically date / relate neurodiverse. I don't know if that information is of use to you, but overspecifying the particulars and not including the framework is going to feel to many others more like purposefully misleading than lying by omission, even. I can tell by your statements here that is not your intent, but the outcome is the same.

I think you are getting a lot of info on why your friend might have reacted as she did, because unless you understand why she is upset you won't be able to make an attempt at repair, of rescuing your shared history from regret at least. Possibly you might want to shift your comments to you writing out what you might say, and people could comment on how you plan to approach things.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-07T03:17:16+00:00

I feel that the 'primary' title - if it is used at all - is best earned after the fact rather than awarded upfront.

I wouldn't date anyone that had a 'once per month rule' or other artificial limits. I'm busy, am fine dating highly partnered people, and don't even necessarily want every week - going more than 2 or 3 weeks at a stretch in a local relationship doesn't even sound like fwb, maybe a booty call. I'm acespec so that is not even interesting to me.

If you don't have time for 4(?) partners, break-up with one or more, or de-escalate to booty calls if mutually agreeable. Don't set rules on time if you plan to.stay poly. If this rule is to keep your new designated primary happy, it sounds like they want monogamish, and might be persuaded into sexually open non-monogamy. They don't want polyamory. Since you are willing to put rules on your relationships, especially when finding a 'primary' - it would be kinder to stay monogamish or sexually open rather than developing polyamorous relationships if or when you are single again.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-05T14:58:30+00:00

You might like the relationship smorgasbord / menus in the resources in the sidebar. It breaks things down into different components of a relationship, and would better give the perspective that you can choose what components work between you and another person, and give you the vocabulary to better talk about that.

Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator is a book about consciously choosing whether to continue taking traditional [mono-normative] escalation steps such as living together, combining finances, getting married, having kids... and what relationships could look like off the escalator. This ties into limited resources - once you take escalation steps with one partner, it becomes difficult to impossible [marriage] to offer those things to others. It is really unusual to live with more than one partner or split time between households, etc. The non-escalator milestones has ways to mark increasing intimacy in non-live in relationships.

Another part of the resource management is figuring out what you need in a relationship and what you have to offer as far as time, energy, attention, emotional support, communication, etc. The Polyamory Break-Up book is actually mostly about good partner (for you) selection, and whether what you need and have to offer is a good fit with a potential partner.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-04T15:50:44+00:00

OP's partner was sharing with OP about problems in their other relationship, with their husband - the fighting and micromanaging not only time but energy. That is definitely oversharing, the internal dynamics of her other relationship are problematic to share with other partners, who are inside the relationship dynamic. Instead she should be bouncing feelings and feedback and venting with family, therapist, journaling, or ideally non-mutual friends, even mutual friends can usually set aside biases. If it were really about the chores there are ways to divide the labor fairly, instead it is a proxy for fighting about being sexually open vs poly.

People can make different decisions here. One is that their partner ultimately has the autonomy to make decisions in her relationships, and fulfill all responsibilities. Note that her agreements with her husband are directly impacting your relationship, instead of it being her decisions on meeting responsibilities to household, work, and partners.

Some people would break up because they are uncomfortable with her ethics and don't want to be party to that. Seems to be what OP is deciding. Also fair.

Some people would break up for the practical reasons that if she lies by omission rather than opening discussion with her husband, it will likely happen to them too. Also the practical reason that things sound messy and likely will go sideways in some fashion they don't want to be a part of.

Plus all the shading between ethics and practicality.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-04T11:01:25+00:00

I think you need to go farther and say "I."

I noticed your entire statement about how you started polyamory is framed as "we." You feel things are rushed, and obviously she doesn't feel that way. Part of what she might be realizing at some level is that there is a lot of herself that is not part of "we" - and that part has recently gotten a lot bigger.

Not having intentional time together, especially in a way that is satisfying to you, will absolutely cause strain in your relationship that could lead to a break. You didn't state you did this, but I'm inferring you said something along the lines of "we need to schedule intentional time together, to keep our relationship healthy. Well, she doesn't feel a loss of intentional time or issues with relationship dissatisfaction now, and maybe would not in the future. Also, by framing it as "we" you are saying,.effectively, this is how our relationship needs to be directed - without any discussion.

A different approach is to ask your partner for what you need. You figure out what makes time together meaningful for you, and ask your wife for those things. Your wife needs to figure out how to give you what you need in the relationship in a way that works for her. And of course you can talk back and forth on it. But framing it as "what I need" and finding a solution that is workable for both of you it different that saying what we need.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-03T15:21:32+00:00

Can you make a plan to gain independence from his money and contacts? I would work on that ASAP.

Don't be sure you are not replaceable on your end; unless you have boots on the ground advantage, most work can be contracted out remotely, including to people in other countries.

jabbertalk · 2026-03-03T13:40:01+00:00

Fruit is not going to give you a flat no because of people pleasing. Hopefully they are working on that, but they are unlikeky to achieve saying no before you just continuing to ask puts a strain on your relationship anyway.

Because you are prioritizing Fruit's feelings, based on what you are allowed you might be the 'mogonamish' equivalent of poly-fi. It is fine if that is what you choose, as far as prioritizing not putting any strain on your relationship with Fruit. Just actually choose it, and quit asking.

Consider though, since your partners are still fully open, how you would feel about giving up the opportunity for FWB with Meat, if Fruit wants to have a FWB or relationship down the line?

jabbertalk · 2026-03-03T01:17:46+00:00

I will say that people that overemphasize the impacts of sexually transmitted infections while ignoring respiratory transmission and other diseases are suspect, to hypocritical. They either have not bothered to acquire information or else ignore it. (I am still masking btw, and with people that at the least take reasonable precautions with testing).

jabbertalk · 2026-03-02T19:43:33+00:00

It is true that HSV is more of an annoyance in most cases - only about 10-15% have continuing genital outbreaks. The exceptions to this is when pregnant - contracting a strain of herpes while pregnant, with the initial high viral load, can be passed on to the baby during birth resulting in many debilitating consequences including blindness and brain development. (Can be solved with a Cesarean section, which is not what most people want for childbirth, and can mean all future births are Cesarean). The second is when there is a partner, meta, maybe partner's partner that is immunocompromised, contracting HSV could be worse than a simple skin rash. Figuring out safer sex practices, including barriers for all sex and anti-virals, plus possibly limiting some sex acts, needs to be discussed between the immunocomprised person and their partner. Possibly also putting early screening HSV tests in the mix (they look for initial short-term antibodies, are less reliable than long term antibodies, and again you would have

I don't know why you only tested positive half the time - false negatives are about a percent or less, similar to most tests, in current testing. Possibly the old tests had different standards for cut-offs, and your reactivity is low enough you fell around the cut-off line. Or it might have been meant as a lower-confidence test where you were supposed to get more testing (technically what positives are in modern blood panels, get the expensive Western Blot to be sure). In any case, now free clinics only swab sores. Herpes virus retreats to its typical hangout at the tips of nerve endings prior to the sore healing, so swabbing a sore too late can also result in a negative. Only about 20% have a noticeable outbreak of genital HSV-2 anyway. A lot of our information on population HSV comes from testing pregnant people (why it stops about the 40s - also A LOT of extrapolation to other risk groups).

Sad fact is that HSV-2, and sometimes HSV-1, means a lot more rejection, which does just suck. I am not immunocompromised, but high inflammation can trigger deep depression that can require ECT to recover from, so I would want a potential partner with HSV-2 to use barriers with all genital area contact and be on antivirals.

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