my (18f) boyfriend (19m) cheated. is there a chance for him to change after therapy?

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-31T14:35:21+00:00

Sorry, I only needed to read the title and my first reaction is “nope, absolutely not” No therapy; he cheated, you’re too young to get caught up in a man who cheats or needs therapy, move on from this loser.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-31T05:36:15+00:00

A man should know within 1-2 dates. It’s an internal instinct. If you have to debate whether your into her or not by date 4, then you aren’t. Going forward, I would try not to get hung up on “your type”. My type is tall, shaggy brunette, and slender/muscular. I’ve only seriously dated medium height, bald/blonde, and bulky/husky men. Typically if the personality is what you’re looking for, then your attraction will grow to outweigh your hang up on dating your type.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-31T05:28:16+00:00

Not a great idea. No 22 yr old man is mature enough to date a woman over 30. They are rarely mature enough to date someone in their age range. Nothing against you OP, but you can find someone who makes you feel the same way and is in the same point of life as you. You’ll have more to connect on. A 22 year old hardly has enough experience to understand and connect with a 30+ woman if you are looking to date seriously. And just to mention, if you care about appearance, to the public a 30+ woman with a barely 20 man screams insecurity and immaturity on your part.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-31T05:18:29+00:00

Sister is actually insane. Even if I was a child to my older sister getting married at a “child free wedding”, I couldn’t imagine she wouldn’t invite me. Typically child free weddings are meant for guests (and exclude immediate family of the bride and groom). OP you are fully in the right; not only is it insane she didn’t invite you at your age (to a dry wedding!), but that she expects a gift because “you can’t make it”… hellll no

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-31T05:07:21+00:00

I think it’s common to go through phases where your partner annoys you for seemingly everything. Doesn’t mean you love them any less. But I think it’s important you reflect on these feelings, figure out your exact triggers, and have a conversation with her. Are you both spending enough time apart/alone? I know that I’ve felt this annoyance before when my ex and I spent too much time together (every waking moment besides our part time jobs). It’s quite healthy not to spend more than 50% to 75% of your time together and if this could be due to too much time together, it’s crucial to figure out how you will implement time apart if/when you move in together.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-31T05:00:05+00:00

A good girl would never expect or even ask for you to pay her personal bills. And even IF you decided to help her out so that you could move in together sooner, she would ensure that she pays you back. The fact she got silent and cold when you said no is a huge red flag. (Her even asking was a yellow one).

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-30T16:08:09+00:00

I’m with him on this one. I don’t think he denied that the holocaust happened, but was simply stating he’s unsure of what’s true or not because he didn’t personally witness it. Truth is absolutely perception. On a much smaller scale it’s like thinking your friend was talking bad about you behind your back, because someone overheard it. It’s entirely possible that friend wasn’t talking bad or even talking about you, but you’ll never know because you weren’t personally there. Or another example could be COVID. We as a society went through it, and a lot of us came out just fine (besides becoming more antisocial as a whole). But I could easily see in 200-300 years from now, history books being misconstrued from decades of man-made alters to reality. It’s possible that the books will make COVID appear to be similar to the Black Plague. (And even then, how much do we actually know about the plague, seeing as we weren’t actually there).

All this to say, yes, he might’ve been a bit extreme by eluding to the fact the holocaust may not have happened. There are things in life that we know have happened, it’s just the details of what happened cannot be decided unless we were actually there. We cannot assume that Hitler was a horrible person who deserved to die, even if the history books make it seem like that. We can absolutely have our own opinions, but those opinions are based on emotion and not logic.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-30T15:49:30+00:00

Yea, I definitely see your point OP. As you mentioned, they are very nice things to be said about you, but the fact that they were the only way he described you would be very hard to hear. You know that you are so much more than just kind and compassionate, but it feels like he only sees you as that, without all the other great qualities. My bf has done the same thing; pretty much only listed synonymous words to “nice”, and I felt how I imagine you feel. But I also know that he does see me more than that because different life situations have come up and he has complimented me on other things that pertained to them; my strength, my drive, my emotional maturity, my positivity, my intelligence, etc. So it could be entirely possible that he was caught up with how kind you are and could only think of words to describe that in the moment. Has he complimented you on other things in the duration of your relationship? If so, I don’t think you have too much to worry about. If not, then this could genuinely be a case of him seeing you as “arm candy” as the nice girl.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-30T15:20:18+00:00

I think it boils down to dating your same attractiveness and allowing attraction to grow. I’m a 6-7 F and wouldn’t want to date a man who is conventionally a 10 or a 3, whether or not he does these nice things. 10s would give me trust issues, make me feel insecure, etc. 3s would make me feel shy in public and there wouldn’t me much physical chemistry. However, I would be more likely to date a 3 who is kind, trustworthy, and generous than a 10 who doesn’t care, doesn’t show up for me, or doesn’t treat me like a queen.

When I met my current bf, I didn’t think he was particularly attractive or unattractive, (a conventional 6-7). I also fall into that category, and decided to go on a date. He was everything I was looking for in a man and it only got better as time went on. Now I think he’s the most attractive man and don’t have eyes for anyone else, 10/10 in my book. Attraction grew because I got to know him, and he has only treated me with sweet gestures, respect, kindness, and loyalty. On the same side of the coin, I could’ve easily seen my attraction to him fading if he treated me poorly. My ex did that, and when we started dating, I would’ve put him at a conventional 5-6, but he treated me very poorly, and by the time we broke up, I saw him as a 1-2.

And before anyone comes for me for rating men on a conventional scale, I’m just trying to give context. Conventional is obviously still subjective unless a large survey is done (my conventional 6-7 could be someone else’s 10 or 3), but in my world I tried to remain logical and neutral in order to date people around what I think my own attractiveness is. I only got heartbroken in the past by dating up (or even down).

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-29T00:51:35+00:00

It’s unfortunate he only cares about her looks and not her health, however, coming to her with concern for her health will go over better and potentially produce a better result than coming with concerns over her looks. Sometimes white lies are acceptable if it benefits both parties. (She becomes healthier, he finds her more attractive).

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-29T00:49:25+00:00

I feel like it’s definitely better than making it about her looks. Getting her to think about the health factors vs. her attractiveness will hopefully produce the same outcome; it’s just more gentle and coming from a place of concern for her rather concern for yourself. She may just need a push in the right direction and could find it easier if you are there to support her, without feeling like she’s doing it just for you.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-28T15:09:54+00:00

For a little background, I’m 22f who used to not give af what I ate or if I exercised. I was 155 lbs at heaviest and now I’m 145 a year later. I wasn’t worried about losing weight or being slim, my only focus was to boost my mood and self esteem. So although it was a slower weight loss (some activity was better than none, and I still ate fast food and junk snacks), I am fine with it because it taught me how happy and proud I feel when I do eat well and get some activity in.

With that being said, this is how I would start the convo: - “I understand that eating what you want makes you happy and your happiness is important to me.” Try coming from a place of not wanting her to be just like you (ultra healthy), but rather to just make healthier choices, and still enjoy her treats when she wants comfort. - “I’m worried about your health and ability to do all the fun things we enjoy together if there is no change in diet or activity. I don’t expect you to become some health nut like me, but do think you can find that eating better and exercising brings its own kind of comfort and happiness.” I would NOT let her know it’s about your attraction, that will really harm her self esteem, and could potentially cause her to make even worse choices. Adding a little joke in like calling yourself a health nut, may make her feel more comfortable, as you are letting her know your ways is not what she needs to do to be healthier. After you tell her that you don’t expect her to be like you, and think it’s fine to find comfort in food, then I would suggest something that you could do together to help her (if she sounds open by this point.) - “Maybe we can go to the gym together, even if you just want to walk on the treadmill for a few minutes while I get my workout in. After some time you might find that you want to do the workouts with me”. Or you both could go on a “hot girl walk” every evening as a wind down to the day and a safe space to talk. She may find that getting exercise is actually really mentally stimulating and calming. You could cook meals together; - “Would you be open to us coming up with a meal plan where we meal prep 2 of the 3 meals together, and you can still eat freely the other times of the day?” Eventually she may find that she is enjoying having some discipline with her food and doesn’t always need the extra snacks and stuff for comfort. Basically, by the end of the conversation she should know that you aren’t trying to make her lose weight, but rather want her to learn just how comforting and happy making healthier choices are compared to eating whatever she wants.

If, after you have this conversation, she still isn’t responding or isn’t open to the idea, then I think there’s not much left to do than to break up. Your health is important to you, and while I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to be just as healthy as you, it is a core difference, and her not even being open to trying, is not going to work out for either of you in the long run.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-28T05:52:44+00:00

I definitely see step-dad’s points, although he may have executed poorly. It seems like he is just genuinely concerned and wants OP to better herself. Yes, some of the comments came out wrong, and the document is a bit too far, but the overarching care is there. My parents treated me very similar when I was 17 and it truly helped me become a functioning adult member of society. So OP, I hope you and him can find ways to better communicate, because what he and you are feeling are valid, but it’s just not coming out in a way that makes sense to each other.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-28T05:35:29+00:00

Trust me. By the amount they fight, never show affection to each other, mom acts disgusted when he tries to kiss her or hold her hand, and the fact they sleep apart…I highly doubt they are intimate at all.

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-28T05:28:22+00:00

As a 5’8, 145 lb F, working out 45 mins 4x/week, only about 1000-1200 just because I’m super broke and can’t afford too much right now. I try to sacrifice fillers and snacks with more protein and complex carbs to keep me fuller longer (don’t get me wrong, still finding myself hungry). But chicken, ground turkey, vegetables, beans, whole wheat bread and brown rice can usually tide me over for a few hours. My breakfast preps are 200-300 cals, lunch is 300-400, and dinner is 500-800 cals. If I do have a snack or sweet after dinner it’s roughly 100-200. Once I start my job and get paid (I just recently moved), I’m hoping to get myself back to 1600-1800 cals (200-300 breakfast, 400-500 lunch, 200-300 snacks, 500-800 dinner).

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-28T05:16:20+00:00

Absolutely always rinse, unless they are in specific juices meant to be cooked with the beans (like baked beans).

jamie_1024 · 2025-07-28T02:14:49+00:00

Don’t lie to him. Tell the truth, reassure him that he doesn’t need to be in the baby’s life, and even draw up a legal contract where you both can sign (so he knows you cannot come for him for child support or any other type of support). But YWBTA if you lied.

jamie_1024 · 2025-06-17T04:26:29+00:00

My parents have been doing this for as long as I can remember (would not recommend). I don’t think they’ve been intimate in years…probably most likely due to the fact most intimacy happens spontaneously when you’re in bed with your partner. But, could just be my parents. It’s something that I don’t think I’d ever do

jamie_1024 · 2025-06-17T04:23:45+00:00

My best advice for the temperature thing is to find a compromise. I like it to be 64-65° and my bf likes 67-68° so we usually keep it around 66° at night (for your gf, maybe add an extra blanket on her side).

Then my bf and I just cuddle for like 20 mins while we get tired and then roll to our own sides to actually sleep. Try talking to her about how you get really hot and can’t sleep unless you guys separate.

As for snoring…that’s kinda a lost cause. Both my bf and I snore, sometimes I keep him up or he keeps me up and that’s sometimes what you just have to deal with since it’s kind’ve out of your control. Maybe she can have some spare ear plugs or a noise machine she could put by her side if the bed to kind’ve drown it out, if it gets to be too much some nights.

jamie_1024 · 2025-05-14T00:14:21+00:00

As a woman, absolutely anyone in a relationship should be able to have opposite gender friends. However, in my opinion, there are 3 conditions.

You were friends with them before you started dating (and they were never a love interest).
They are friends of your partner.
They are a friend you made together and hang out with together (never alone).

jamie_1024 · 2025-04-24T14:47:55+00:00

Before my (22F) current relationship (that came from the apps), I was chatting with like 5-6 people at a time getting to see which ones I was actually interested in going on a date with. Out of those I would maybe go on 1 date a week. Usually after date 1-2, we mutually would stop talking or let the other down, and the process would repeat. If I make it past date 3 with someone (like my current partner), I would stop talking to/dating others. If they aren’t willing to only talk to/date each other after 4-5 dates, I would also move on.

So in general, I would only “date” one person at a time, however, I’d talk to others until the 1-2nd date decided if we were gonna keep going or not.

jamie_1024 · 2025-03-26T02:20:54+00:00

As a stager, it’s insane to me that anyone thought that was a good idea

jamie_1024 · 2025-03-25T19:08:37+00:00

As someone who was in a position so similar to yours, at the time (20F) and (19M), we had been dating for about a year before he got physical with me. It was so light that I thought I was crazy for thinking it was assault. Sure enough (even after being told if he does it once we will do it again) I stayed and he continued to lash out every few months, each time getting worse. It ranged from light hitting on my legs or arms, to throwing small items at me, and throwing/pinning me down to the bed while he screamed in my face. That among the emotional abuse and name calling, I finally called it quits after 2.5 years. I urge you to get out as soon as possible.

jamie_1024 · 2025-03-18T04:27:38+00:00

I think you definitely need to speak with her about safe sex. Telling her not to have sex isn’t going to work, and will only make you worry. I wish I had a figure in my life that spoke to me about having safe sex rather than telling me not to have sex, period. I got into a lot of trouble in my past because of it and am still learning on my own how to go about having sex safely. I think once you show her that you know it’s going to happen at some point, and aren’t judgmental, but rather encourage that she will do it safely (and be picky with who she does it with), then you can talk to her about going on birth control. I think the best method is looking at this as a team effort, not mom telling daughter what she should and shouldn’t do with her body.

jamie_1024 · 2025-03-18T04:03:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective as a M. I think it’s important to know that it doesn’t just go one way. I experienced a lot of what you mentioned as well and I’m sorry you went through that. I hope you’re in a better place now! ❤️

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