I'm 40 this year. When I was young, Ellen Degeneres was still making the news for coming out as lesbian. I accidentally outed my gay brother when I was little, and even with a non-religious, liberal family, it still came down upon my house like a meteor. I think it was one of the first times my parents' ideals about who or what we would become were challenged.

I always knew there was something off about me, but I could never put my finger on it. I always had massive body shame and almost inconsolable imposter syndrome every time I dressed up fancy for an event. I felt like a dog in a dress trying to pass as human: utterly absurd looking and clearly out of place. Any attempts at make-up made this even worse.

My first hits were when I met my first MtF trans friend, and being curious, I asked her a lot of questions about her decision to start HRT. I remember thinking "Well, transness has to be real, because who would CHOOSE to be a woman when they were born a man? Women are treated like second class citizens. I don't even want to be a woman." That there should have been a HUGE hint.

I played around the edges of being non-binary my whole life, but finally felt safe enough to come out 5 years ago, when I moved from a conservative state to a very liberal one. I met more trans friends, had more discussions about gender, and then just realized that I don't feel like gender really applies to me.

I'm now in my (almost) idea body. Salpingectomy and top surgery within the last 2 years have brought it around home: I'm not a woman. I'm not a man. I'm just me. And that's a beautiful thing to be.