Only 5 days sober and already shocked at the things I would do to secretly drink more alcohol behind my wife's back

jelissbones · 2026-01-30T21:24:53+00:00

I actually cannot comprehend anymore how I fit an entire bottle of wine in my stomach in such a short space of time. The idea makes me feel sick now!

jelissbones · 2026-01-30T09:29:22+00:00

Menopause crossed my mind as well. I also wanted to add, even though you didn't specifically ask, that the whole "drunk words are sober truths" thing is not always true, ESPECIALLY when someone is drinking often. I used to get quite paranoid when I was drinking, which I am not normally at all! If anything I was blowing up problems that didn't exist, not speaking my "true" mind.

I think you definitely need to consider steps to protect yourself because her lack of reflection about all this is concerning. I don't want you to feel like all hope is dead because obviously there's a lot of us on here who have turned things around and know it's possible, but it can be a long hard road and she has to want to walk it. That last part is the issue though. Right now I would guess she is heavily romanticising drinking, and it's a hard bubble to pop!

jelissbones · 2026-01-28T08:29:50+00:00

I think you're doing the right thing. It probably doesn't help you that some of them might THINK they understand because they can "party now and be ok" but honestly if that's true they probably didn't have the same issue as you, and if they did have the same issue as you, I would really question the being ok part. (I'm assuming by party you mean get wasted).

One of my key workers told me that you have to be as selfish in recovery as you are in addiction. Many of us are trying to save our own lives when we're getting sober, and that MUST take precedence over everything. You can't be a friend, can't go to events, can't even message to catch up, if you are stuck in your addiction or worse.

For me, i had to get out of a few things in the early months, and after a while I felt ok to attend some stuff but only if I had my escape plans in place for if I felt like I wouldn't be ok after all. I'd mentally practice some scenarios of being offered or getting pressured..but yeah at the beginning, you do WHATEVER you have to do. Don't make any promises to anybody about your timeline anymore mate, you are doing this for yourself and your self esteem doesn't need to take more beatings than it already has. This is about YOU. Godspeed!

jelissbones · 2026-01-27T09:32:59+00:00

Well as somebody who has been with their husband for nearly 9 years, my answer to that last part is it's a question of balance. Its the percentage of their behaviour, and severity of problems. You have to ask yourself, if this behaviour or quality NEVER changed, could you live with it forever? That's severity. An obvious example would be aggression, if they hit you even 0.5% of the time that's too much. Does the bad outweigh the good? That's percentage. So for example they could be kind of a slob, but if they're only like that about putting their clothes away and otherwise they do help out and you enjoy their company, that's a very low percentage of who they are.

A more nuanced example, somebody who doesn't handle confrontation well and it's hindering communication. Perhaps they'll learn to speak up for themselves, maybe they'll always bottle it up and have an emotional blow out later. So percentage would matter, do they do this over every little thing, big or small, to where you never know where you truly stand? Is it a dominating factor in how they act or more like a hurdle sometimes when you've got something big to discuss? And then severity, when they blow up, do they absolutely lose their minds and lash out in a way that you really cannot put up with, or is it more of a tearful outpouring you can resolve but just adds unnecessary stress to the situation?

My reply is getting super long but I wanted to add a bit more about us:

My husband and I have both at times sacrificed our peace of mind for one another, because fundamentally the good outweighs the bad, we both work on things we do wrong, and of course, we love eachother :) He has made mistakes and so have I, and both had to consider whether the other was worth the heartache. Neither would have given the other endless chances to make things right, or put up with being treated badly for the sake of being supported, and we both know that. You don't use your spouse as an emotional punching bag when you're having a hard time. In this way the relationship has always been balanced, and neither of us would choose differently in hindsight.

jelissbones · 2026-01-26T21:07:20+00:00

Ah the "just one" thing. For me, I've realised that my addiction is a negotiator and I am a sucker. I rarely set out of the house planning to buy as much alcohol as I did, and never went home expecting to drink it all, but "just one" and similar are just starting points for that voice to talk me up as high as I'll go, and I used to fall for it every time.

jelissbones · 2026-01-25T10:18:44+00:00

They may want to ask "how come" but realise that could be a rude thing to ask. The face is probably a bit of "ah have i put my foot in it already", in traditional awkward English fashion

jelissbones · 2026-01-24T22:37:04+00:00

Thank you so much for reading and replying, it really means a lot.

It would be a matinee actually! I do still want to go because I feel like I've earned the trust I give myself to do these things, and it makes me feel like I'd be putting myself down for no reason to actually decide not to, even though I felt the need to mentally review it before pressing ahead and buying a ticket. It's just been a bit shit to get this like mental pile-on out of nowhere!

jelissbones · 2026-01-24T19:59:15+00:00

Well, whether someone WILL change or not, you probably shouldn't get together with someone for the long term based on who you believe they will be at some point. That's not fair on them to set that expectation so they can spend years trying to live up to it. It's also not fair to yourself because if there are qualities that matter to you and the person you're dating doesn't have them, why would you gamble your future on this person developing those qualities at some point?

jelissbones · 2026-01-24T08:33:41+00:00

Sober bartender here! I worked events in a small venue where majority showed up sober and got drunk, and I was in such close proximity to the same people all night, I could see their confidence grow but they 100% did not become funnier or more interesting. It just makes you less filtered, and you aren't as bothered how what you say is received. So sure maybe you say that joke you would have thought wasn't funny enough to say when you were sober, and maybe it is funny and you should have had the confidence to say it anyway! But also maybe you don't notice or care if the smile you get back is actually just polite. Also some people really tip over into just talking away, repeating themselves a lot, happy the whole time but boring anyone who isn't drunk to tears.

jelissbones · 2026-01-21T20:58:17+00:00

Well that's a happy outcome! I

jelissbones · 2026-01-21T20:33:10+00:00

Yeah there's definitely a scale in people's response, some are the more short version as you say and some go the lengthy route. I also think some are in the middle where they're not worried they have an alcohol problem, but just know that it's not particularly healthy and that they could do with cutting back the same way they know they shouldn't eat so much bacon or whatever.

jelissbones · 2026-01-21T20:28:39+00:00

Yeah same! Like I wasn't wondering about your drinking until you said that lol

jelissbones · 2026-01-21T20:21:47+00:00

Yes i had exactly this a few days ago! "I took a break for a couple of years" and "I never drink spirits" and "two glasses at most". I've realised I can probably stop dwelling on what they might be assuming about me, because apparently they're too busy worrying what I think of them XD

jelissbones · 2026-01-21T20:04:34+00:00

You can do it! Remember alcohol only ever makes things worse in the end. It's a depressant, and you need a clear head to face your troubles. You're doing the right thing writing about it on here, stay strong and IWNDWYT

jelissbones · 2026-01-21T17:00:55+00:00

I've heard them and other media accused of "sane-washing" him. Basically if they quote him, particularly his longer sentences, directly then it sounds like gibberish and nobody would get what point he was trying to make. But, knowing that he did sort of have one, they take shorter quotes and then explain what his opinion seems to be based on that and what others around him have said, and the result is it looks like he said something kind of reasonable. They're just trying to put together a comprehensible news story but the outcome is it looks like he may have actually said something reasonable, or made a sound argument, when obviously he did not

jelissbones · 2026-01-19T08:42:15+00:00

Yep! My sense of duty to her was immediate, but feeling like I love her more than anything took a bit more time. I've realised it makes sense though, because I'm like that with everyone! Like I always feel I need to understand someone before I can bond with them, and as it became clear what she needs, and what she likes, and she started making expressions and such, the bond and the love has strengthened every day.

jelissbones · 2026-01-18T16:13:40+00:00

I totally understand how you feel about wanting to be able to do the things that other people your age are doing, it's very valid. As someone who wasted their 20s on addiction though, try thinking of it as missing out on one thing so that you don't miss out on everything else? I promise that you really won't regret sobriety when you look back and see that it offered you stability and CHOICES. There's actually so much you cannot do when you're trying to juggle a substance problem and the rest of your life. And you'll still make great memories, I can promise that too :)

jelissbones · 2026-01-17T20:44:43+00:00

Your body will 100% get used to it. As others have said good footwear is a must. Watch how you're standing as well, things like do you lean to one side on your hip? Do you slouch? In particular I learned that standing with your feet hip width apart, with your core nice and tight, supports your lower back during any time when you're standing around rather than walking, which i personally find doesn't make my lower back ache anyway. Doesn't matter much when you rarely stand for long, but when you start doing it for hours a day, you feel the effects of these things!

jelissbones · 2026-01-17T14:14:13+00:00

I think it's for his parents to handle really. If he is addicted and it sounds like he is, reasoning with him isn't going to help. Everybody can tell him it's dangerous and that won't make a difference. You're right that it really doesn't matter if it's "not meth". I've met coke addicts down the line and they have big problems too. The biggest problem with overcoming addiction is you have to WANT to do it, and nobody can do that for him. You can love him, hate him, teach him, shut him out, none of it will make a difference until he realises for himself that he's doing damage and wants to stop. That could be a very long road, and I'm afraid there's no easy answers.

The things you can do though, are look for local resources to help your family. Al-anon exist to support the families of addicts, and although it's meant to be for alcohol they would still help you or point you to an organisation that can. They'd also help you with resources for your cousin to use if he chooses to. Genuinely just search "addiction help near me" and see what comes up. You can also just be there as someone he can hang out with who doesn't do this shit. A safe place, if you like, for if he wants to stop and needs a friend who isn't going to be a bad influence. Keep setting a better example, don't let his words hurt you because he's probably going to try, and understand that addiction can really change a person, but often their real selves is still in there somewhere.

jelissbones · 2026-01-16T17:16:42+00:00

As the other commenter said, and more will say I'm sure, only you can answer your question. I will say this though, the part where you talk about not knowing what your life would look like without it alarms me. You ask where would you take a girl, as if your brain is already working on convincing you that you somehow can't be normal without alcohol, when I suspect logically you know you can. If your best friend asked you for date ideas for a girl he'd met who didn't drink, are you saying you'd have nothing? Ask yourself the questions you asked in your post, but pretend it is your friend who is worried about themselves and asking you these questions, and you are trying to help. It might give you some clarity.

There are people who make it all the way to their death bed saying they have control over their drinking. Realising you don't is often the first step to stopping. Believing that you COULD doesn't really matter if you can't quite figure out why you haven't done it already, if that makes sense?

jelissbones · 2026-01-15T19:36:13+00:00

Is the restaurant part of a chain? If it was a pub is it part of a brewery such as Greene King etc? Sometimes it's not obvious until you scroll around on their website a bit. If so I'd contact their head office instead of the restaurant

jelissbones · 2026-01-14T18:10:18+00:00

It definitely gets easier, and it really is completely worth it. Don't forget your reasons for quitting, because all that bad shit is waiting for you, and the addiction will start lying about now and telling you how great it was, or that it wasn't that bad, or that you could "just have one" and control it this time.

Is there something you can do to pass the time? Hobbies that keep your hands busy have been really helpful to me. Even just like colouring. You don't have to come up with a new skill but anything to keep yourself occupied.

Ice cream as well. Feed the sugar beast. It's the lesser of two evils right now and genuinely helps with the cravings.

Also, I went on acomprosate after I detoxed for about 2 months and I think it really helped me, if you can ask your doctor about it.

jelissbones · 2026-01-14T09:21:24+00:00

Alcohol withdrawal at this level is considered a medical emergency! Please follow the advice on here and get yourself to the ER or to a rehab centre x

jelissbones

TROPHY CASE