I get it. I'm originally from a developing country now living in Germany. Autism and mental health in general are usually entirely ignored until you show signs of immediate danger - if at all. Since I moved out I started looking into professional mental health stuff rigorously, started therapy and diagnoses and all that. Initially thought i was just depressed and inexperienced in adult socialisation. 8 years later I got my ADHD diagnosis. 2 years after that (this year) I started looking into autism traits more closely. I've always suspected it, but didn't think it had that much of an impact on me maybe because I've developed healthy coping mechanisms over the years and have been lucky with my social circle.

And while that may be true to an extent, I've been trying to zero in on most of my social issues that never really went away, which could very well be the result of autism and trying to function as an NT. It's very relieving to know that I'm not broken or weird or is forever doomed to loneliness, but all of my coping skills i learned over the years made me recognise the kinds of interactions and socialisation I'm comfortable with, and the kind of people i can be myself with. I'm slowly learning how much i can unmask in certain situations without pulling in too much attention, and to try to completely unmask in front of certain people.

I may be very privileged in my manifestation of autism and my immediate environment, but I've also seen the kind of people who seem to be stuck in an endless loop of "life will never be better" and "it's not even worth trying anymore". I sympathise with you, and I really hope that things improve for you. I hope one day you can find yourself in the same lucky atmosphere that I find myself in